squirrel99 Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 I guess I really wanted to tell my story. Any advice or comments would be appreciated. Me and my husband are together 7 years (5 years married). He is a good man and we always got on okay. I never even looked at other guys until recently. I ended up going on a month long business trip and met this guy in the office abroad. He was really friendly with me from the start - looked after me when going out with our team, chatted me up at work, and was generally really nice. I was careful though - I thought he might want mire than a friend, so I kept my distance, but stayed friendly with him. We started talking more and more though, then going out alone once the others got bored, spending every evening and day together. Then we realised how much we like each other, started flirting, first touch, first hug, first hand holding, first kiss... Slippery slope after that. We both cried when we had to separate and go back home. I felt like I was meant to be with him. I asked if there is any way we could be togehter and he told me he wants to marry me. He hesitated and then he told me he has to speak to his family first as they may not approve a wife from different religious background. We went back to our homes, kept communicating on the phone until my husband found out. He was devastated and hurt and I felt awful for hurting him. I told my husband that I'll end it with the other man. But I never really did. But then this guy started texting me less, I got frustrated and told him that I have decided to work it all out with my husband. He asked me if this means that I have chosen my husband over him and I confirmed that I did. But then we agreed to stay in touch and were texting/talking most of the days since then. No more talk about feelings, but still talking about our lifes, plans, etc. Some days I think I should stop this, but then I cry a bit and find a way to justify my behaviour. My husband is doing his best to forget this and to look after me. The other guy sometimes is really slow responding to my messages, sometimes I think that we talk only because I contact him. But then he remembers me and calls me and we talk and smile on facetime, and all the memories come back. And then I have to close the messenger and go back to my husband. I feel so sad and messed up most of the time now. I don't know how to fix this. I feel that my husband is the right choice for me. Safe and secure and someone I know well. But then this other guy is in my heart and in my thoughts and I am worried that I'll miss him a lot if I throw him out of my life...
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 My suggestion to you is to end it with your husband. Why? Because he deserves better. Everything you have told us is abpout you...what you want ...what you deserve....what you need.... and not once have you said anything about what your husband wants and needs. You only want him becaseu he is safe...but your lover is in your heart. Dont you think your husband deserves a wife that loves him for who he is....dont you thinks he deserves to be treated with respect and love? You are being selfish and entilted.... 19
Jersey born raised Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 Is this a physical or emotional? Work relationships are tricky. You both within a very structure environment that minimize personality and sociality differences. Within THAT environment, with the professional success you and the OM shared the two of you clicked. But that is not life. As to your marriage: your vows are what you pledged to protect, they do not protect you. You have failed to protect your vows. That is on you what ever the problems within your marriage are. You are asking your husband to be the runner up in the most important relationship in a persons life. I think Mrs Adams is right. Either fish or cut bait. 2
WilyWill Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 Please do the right thing. Confess to your husband that you've continued contact. Tell him you believe that the two of you should be divorced. He should be allowed to pursue his soulmate, and you can pursue this dead-end of a relationship with a man who objects to your religion and can't be bothered to text you. DO NOT make your husband some fallback plan. Have respect for him. While you do not love him as a husband, he deserves your respect. He is a person. 4
somanymistakes Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 Of course you'll miss your perfect fantasy relationship (which doesn't exist). You'll also miss it if you get divorced and try to openly date this other man, who will not live up to your expectations, and then you'll have to find some NEW guy to project the idea of a perfect loving relationship onto. I mean, your fantasy with this other guy is already falling apart, isn't it? He got what he wanted from you and now he's starting to find your attention a bit awkward, so he only responds when you remind him, and he's not even particularly interested in being more than friends anymore. You need to look seriously at your motivations and your ability to sustain a relationship. From what you've said, your husband did nothing wrong, and this other man didn't even do that much right. You weren't soulmates with an unbelievable connection that no one else in the world could share, it's just that he was NICE to you while you were away from home and a little bit lonely and a very easy target. What does love mean to you? What does a loving person do in a relationship? 4
Southern Sun Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 Oh, good grief. I do not understand these posters that immediately say you should divorce your husband. Is it the shock value?? What is up with that? Yes, OP is disrespecting her husband by doing what she's doing. No, she is not talking much about her husband in her post. BUT THEY NEVER DO. When posters come here wrapped up in the limerence of an affair, it's all about selfishness and "love" and what might have been. OP - what you are feeling does not mean you should divorce your husband. For heaven's sake. You are wrapped up in a fantasy and deep down you KNOW this is the case. I assume this man is not even in the same country as you? I'm not sure how far away he is, but you KNOW this is NEVER going to happen! In fact, the obstacles in the situation are probably feeding all this 'longing.' Longing is what feeds desire and is making you feel like this is some sort of lost love. IT IS NOT. There is nothing real about it. You have no idea what real life is like with this guy. I don't care how much time you spent together on your trip. It was all pretend. He's already figuring it out and backing away. You really must pull your head out of the clouds and stop all communication with this man. I agree you should probably tell your husband as well. It will set you back entirely in your recovery. It's going to SUCK. But it's the only thing that will hold you accountable and will make you realize how crappy what you are doing really is. One day, you will look back on this and wonder what in the world you were thinking. You will realize how much mental energy you wasted on something that was NEVER GOING TO BE. I mean, this man won't even be able to tell his parents about you. It's a quintessential affair fantasy. This does not mean you don't love your husband. It means you made some terrible decisions to betray him and now you have to get out of the lobster pot. And it's hard. You need to tell him the truth and let HIM decide what to do. You need to commit to complete NC so your feelings return to normal. Just take the right actions and your heart will follow. Good luck. 8
GoldenR Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 I feel that my husband is the right choice for me. Safe and secure and someone I know well. Well I bet that would make your husband feel just peachy!! My advice: divorce him. Immediately. You are not wife material and won't be for a very long time, so don't marry your OM either, bc you'll more than likely end up cheating on him as well just as soon as the marriage becomes "normal". Your husband doesn't deserve to be anyone's Plan B. He deserves someone that will love him 100%. That isn't you and never will be. 3
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 Oh, good grief. I do not understand these posters that immediately say you should divorce your husband. Is it the shock value?? What is up with that? Yes, OP is disrespecting her husband by doing what she's doing. No, she is not talking much about her husband in her post. BUT THEY NEVER DO. When posters come here wrapped up in the limerence of an affair, it's all about selfishness and "love" and what might have been. OP - what you are feeling does not mean you should divorce your husband. For heaven's sake. You are wrapped up in a fantasy and deep down you KNOW this is the case. I assume this man is not even in the same country as you? I'm not sure how far away he is, but you KNOW this is NEVER going to happen! In fact, the obstacles in the situation are probably feeding all this 'longing.' Longing is what feeds desire and is making you feel like this is some sort of lost love. IT IS NOT. There is nothing real about it. You have no idea what real life is like with this guy. I don't care how much time you spent together on your trip. It was all pretend. He's already figuring it out and backing away. You really must pull your head out of the clouds and stop all communication with this man. I agree you should probably tell your husband as well. It will set you back entirely in your recovery. It's going to SUCK. But it's the only thing that will hold you accountable and will make you realize how crappy what you are doing really is. One day, you will look back on this and wonder what in the world you were thinking. You will realize how much mental energy you wasted on something that was NEVER GOING TO BE. I mean, this man won't even be able to tell his parents about you. It's a quintessential affair fantasy. This does not mean you don't love your husband. It means you made some terrible decisions to betray him and now you have to get out of the lobster pot. And it's hard. You need to tell him the truth and let HIM decide what to do. You need to commit to complete NC so your feelings return to normal. Just take the right actions and your heart will follow. Good luck. How about she confesses to her husband...tell him everything she said here...and then let HIM make the decision best for him? Isn't that really what is fair? Why should she get to make all the decisions? She obviously makes bad choices. My advice was based on what she said....She wants both men...and neither one for the right reason. 8
Jersey born raised Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 I "liked" Sothern Sun post because having read her threads and other posts I have a stong sense of how Sothern Sun has shown remorse for her actions. I dislike her "good grief" comment on divorce him. Divorce him comments are a wake up call to the poster. Her post after that point was very good. I hope southern posts her thoughts on remorse on this thread for the orginal poster. The original poster is wrong to hold her husband in limbo. So again I stand by the comment that OM relationship is fools gold. That she and her husband need to learn how to be married. That she needs to learn if she can't protect her vows, to fight to build a better marriage then divorce first. Here are two posts on this site she needs to read carefully if she wants to save her marriage: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know AND http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation for balance. I would also suggest both reading "not just friends" to help understand what happened and how to protect themselves going forward. You also might find "his needs Hers needs" of value.
usa1ah Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 I guess I really wanted to tell my story. Any advice or comments would be appreciated. Me and my husband are together 7 years (5 years married). He is a good man and we always got on okay. I never even looked at other guys until recently. I ended up going on a month long business trip and met this guy in the office abroad. He was really friendly with me from the start - looked after me when going out with our team, chatted me up at work, and was generally really nice. I was careful though - I thought he might want mire than a friend, so I kept my distance, but stayed friendly with him. We started talking more and more though, then going out alone once the others got bored, spending every evening and day together. Then we realised how much we like each other, started flirting, first touch, first hug, first hand holding, first kiss... Slippery slope after that. We both cried when we had to separate and go back home. I felt like I was meant to be with him. I asked if there is any way we could be togehter and he told me he wants to marry me. He hesitated and then he told me he has to speak to his family first as they may not approve a wife from different religious background. We went back to our homes, kept communicating on the phone until my husband found out. He was devastated and hurt and I felt awful for hurting him. I told my husband that I'll end it with the other man. But I never really did. But then this guy started texting me less, I got frustrated and told him that I have decided to work it all out with my husband. He asked me if this means that I have chosen my husband over him and I confirmed that I did. But then we agreed to stay in touch and were texting/talking most of the days since then. No more talk about feelings, but still talking about our lifes, plans, etc. Some days I think I should stop this, but then I cry a bit and find a way to justify my behaviour. My husband is doing his best to forget this and to look after me. The other guy sometimes is really slow responding to my messages, sometimes I think that we talk only because I contact him. But then he remembers me and calls me and we talk and smile on facetime, and all the memories come back. And then I have to close the messenger and go back to my husband. I feel so sad and messed up most of the time now. I don't know how to fix this. I feel that my husband is the right choice for me. Safe and secure and someone I know well. But then this other guy is in my heart and in my thoughts and I am worried that I'll miss him a lot if I throw him out of my life... Does being married mean anything to you? You have no character or morals. You need IC to help you figure this out. Also at least be honest with your husband. 2
purplesorrow Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 Oh, good grief. I do not understand these posters that immediately say you should divorce your husband. Is it the shock value?? What is up with that? Yes, OP is disrespecting her husband by doing what she's doing. No, she is not talking much about her husband in her post. BUT THEY NEVER DO. When posters come here wrapped up in the limerence of an affair, it's all about selfishness and "love" and what might have been. OP - what you are feeling does not mean you should divorce your husband. For heaven's sake. You are wrapped up in a fantasy and deep down you KNOW this is the case. I assume this man is not even in the same country as you? I'm not sure how far away he is, but you KNOW this is NEVER going to happen! In fact, the obstacles in the situation are probably feeding all this 'longing.' Longing is what feeds desire and is making you feel like this is some sort of lost love. IT IS NOT. There is nothing real about it. You have no idea what real life is like with this guy. I don't care how much time you spent together on your trip. It was all pretend. He's already figuring it out and backing away. You really must pull your head out of the clouds and stop all communication with this man. I agree you should probably tell your husband as well. It will set you back entirely in your recovery. It's going to SUCK. But it's the only thing that will hold you accountable and will make you realize how crappy what you are doing really is. One day, you will look back on this and wonder what in the world you were thinking. You will realize how much mental energy you wasted on something that was NEVER GOING TO BE. I mean, this man won't even be able to tell his parents about you. It's a quintessential affair fantasy. This does not mean you don't love your husband. It means you made some terrible decisions to betray him and now you have to get out of the lobster pot. And it's hard. You need to tell him the truth and let HIM decide what to do. You need to commit to complete NC so your feelings return to normal. Just take the right actions and your heart will follow. Good luck. As a BW, I wish someone would have given my ex the advice to just leave. That would have given me back the two years of my life he was wasting while in his affair. His cheating absolutely meant he didn't love me. 5
Just a Guy Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 Hi Squirrel, let me guess. You are from India as is your AP. However, you are from different religions. I am basing my guess on something's that you mentioned in your post and also on your writing style. I may be wrong so please correct me if I am. You wrote that you have been with your husband 7 years 5 of them married. From this I guess yours is a love marriage. 5 years may still be considered a honeymoon period and since you have not mentioned a child I am assuming that you do not have kids as yet. I do not know how old you and your husband are but I would guess late twenties or early thirties. The fact that you could get involved with another man and, from what you've written it was physical makes me agree with those posters who say that you are not wife material. If after five years of marriage you could get so easily swayed by another man shows that you are immature, have poor boundaries and do not really love your husband. The fact that your husband was prepared to reconcile with you and you gave him an assurance that you would go NCwith your AP but then continued contact with him shows that you do not have the wherewith all to make a go of your marriage. The most compassionate thing you can do for your husband is to divorce him and let him find a good woman who will love and cherish only him and not be prepared to lower her boundaries with other men. Warm wishes.
WilyWill Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 If you're not ready for marriage, for example, pursuing multiple partners, you should not get married. I think we all know that. So it makes sense that if you're currently married, and still not ready for a commitment, you should be divorced. WS's feel better about themselves when they see other BS's pursuing reconciliation. "See? What I did must not have been so bad. Look how this other couple handled it." Ignore advice in here whose sole purpose is to make the poster of that advice feel better about himself/herself. Have respect for the man you married. Don't continue to make a fool out of him. 1
Nirbhao.Nirvair Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 How are you still able to contact your AP, even after your BH found out, and that too on facetime? Is he not monitoring you and is he trusting you blindly? Or have you gone really deep underground? Your story doesn't add up at all. Please be a troll.
aliveagain Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 I always hate to see someone squander the gift of reconciliation. I don't think your husband is stupid enough to give you a third chance. 5
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 I have been both a wayward and a betrayed. If my husband had said to me I want you because you are safe but I really hate to lose this little chickie who makes me feel good... I could not have run through the door fast enough. And the same thing for him If you want to reconcile... you better be damn sure it is for the right reason. I did not see any profession of love, respect or admiration.... for either man. They both should run... I understand torn feelings... I really do ... but if you have already recommitted to a relationship.. then cut the crap and the emotional pit party uncertainty. Whatever you go for... go with gusto... but stop playing everyone else's emotions while you play the which should I pick dance. In reality.. you might just lose both men... because neither one may want to play this game. I still say.. if you tell your husband what you shared here ... he may decide for you. 4
Vincentstreet Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 My advice would be to run for the hills as fast as you can.. get away from your husband.. not for your sake... but his!!! Not another self-centered cheater who wants to have the comfort of her husband while she/he pines for another... ? Have the decency to do your husband the courtesy of letting him find someone worthy of his trust and security. get some help... some serious help because you need a serious wake up call and a moral kick up the ass And to think her H may even take her back!!! that's the most frustrating thing about this! I wish men would be decisive and grow some. Not saying R is bad... but men these days need to start taking back the control in the house. (... it does not mean being an overbearing brute) 1
Oberfeldwebel Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 This situation is coming to a head and now is the time for you to stand up and be accountable for your actions. You don't want to give up your toy, but the fact is if he had wanted to be with you, he would be already. He wants to keep you on the side, just in case another opportunity arises, but you are being played. I have seen this a hundred times on here, but I say it again, ya been had! Ya been took! Ya been hoodwinked! Bamboozled! Led astray! Run amok! This is what He does. Now that does not mean that you have to stay married, but at a very minimum your husband has earned the right to be told the truth. If you want to end your marriage, so be it. If you want to try to save your marriage, then you need to put your big girl pants on and be honest with him and start doing the hard work that it takes to save a relationship. I encourage you to go to counseling either way it goes, so that you don't repeat this destructive pattern. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 My advice would be to run for the hills as fast as you can.. get away from your husband.. not for your sake... but his!!! Not another self-centered cheater who wants to have the comfort of her husband while she/he pines for another... ? Have the decency to do your husband the courtesy of letting him find someone worthy of his trust and security. get some help... some serious help because you need a serious wake up call and a moral kick up the ass And to think her H may even take her back!!! that's the most frustrating thing about this! I wish men would be decisive and grow some. Not saying R is bad... but men these days need to start taking back the control in the house. (... it does not mean being an overbearing brute) it shouldn't be frustrating for you because a man decides to do what he thinks is right for him. It really has nothing to do with us...it's their call. You seem to be on a mission to belittle men who choose reconciliation. There are many men who want to keep their wives and many wives who want to keep their husbands....and they have very successful reconciliations. Even if this case....if she comes clean with her husband...and tells him everything...he may be capable of forgiveness...if she shows to him she is worthy. But once that decision is made it is really between the two of them. I am worried...yes because it sounds like she has accepted his gift of reconciliation....without disclosing everything to him. That's not fair to him. This situation is sad...for everyone involved....but especially for her husband....who has not been told the entire truth....and now will have another hurdle to jump over when he finds out. 1
Author squirrel99 Posted May 29, 2017 Author Posted May 29, 2017 How are you still able to contact your AP, even after your BH found out, and that too on facetime? Is he not monitoring you and is he trusting you blindly? Or have you gone really deep underground? Your story doesn't add up at all. Please be a troll. I am not a troll... I don't spend all day with my husband, so there is no way for him to monitor what I do
oldlion Posted May 29, 2017 Posted May 29, 2017 You don't need to stay with him all day. He found out the first time, he will find out again. Except this time I don't think he will be as forgiving as he was before. Get ready for a blowup in your future, I wish you (more so your husband) well. 3
Nirbhao.Nirvair Posted May 29, 2017 Posted May 29, 2017 I am not a troll... I don't spend all day with my husband, so there is no way for him to monitor what I do Ok. I'll take that at face-value and assume that what you are saying is true. Now, what's your end game here? There are several kinds of WS. But broadly, there are just two. There are the ones who believe what they are doing is wrong and actively try to end their affair and return to marriage. Their belief system, their need to salvage whatever self-esteem that they have left, their need to be "loyal" because they want to be defined so and all those Maslow's 4th level needs will force them to end the affair or the marriage at least. Then there are the ones who undergo cognitive dissonance to justify their affair. And this takes the form of vilifying the BS or rewriting marital history. Without this cognitive dissonance no self-respecting human who grew up in a society where betrayal is looked down upon will not be able to continue in affair. But, reading your story you don't seem to belong to either category. You are not vilifying your husband. Neither are you talking about how important it is for you to do the right thing and save your marriage. You have spoken only about the benefits you will gain by being with your husband and the loss you will face by cutting off your boyfriend. Nothing about your internal dilemma. I felt like reading some sort of a SWOT analysis. If you want any real advice here, rather than presenting your thoughts on what you gain and what you lose, you should present your internal dilemma and your human side, if you have one. Else, you will sound like a troll. And also, why isn't your husband tracking you? Are you sure he doesn't know that you still talk to the AP? What were his actions/demands to set things right? 1
Overtaxed Posted May 29, 2017 Posted May 29, 2017 First off, to the OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation. Long timers here know what I'm going to say, but, I'm hoping this helps you to hear from a guy's point of view. We started talking more and more though, then going out alone once the others got bored, spending every evening and day together. Then we realised how much we like each other, started flirting, first touch, first hug, first hand holding, first kiss... Slippery slope after that. You realized how much you liked him. He already knew he wanted to have sex with you and had long before this started to put those events in motion. Spending time alone with you is the clearest indicator of that. We both cried when we had to separate and go back home. I felt like I was meant to be with him. I asked if there is any way we could be togehter and he told me he wants to marry me. He hesitated and then he told me he has to speak to his family first as they may not approve a wife from different religious background. Let me make something crystal clear to you. Real love does NOT hesitate for religious reasons. You can convert, as can he. These are excuses, and excuses don't hold a candle to the power that is love. People divorce all the time for it, people divorce simply because they aren't in love, not even because there's someone else. Changing religions, or dealing with the family fallout is a tiny hurdle in the face of what others have overcome. We went back to our homes, kept communicating on the phone until my husband found out. He was devastated and hurt and I felt awful for hurting him. I told my husband that I'll end it with the other man. But I never really did. You felt awful but did the absolute worst thing possible. I'm going to try to be as calm as possible saying this, but your actions show that you don't care at all. Not even that you didn't feel "all that awful", but you honestly care so little for your husband that you'll subject him to the most unbearable pain possible for your fun. He was devastated, probably more than you will ever know, and you just kept on talking to this guy. No, you don't "feel awful", if you did; you'd stop. But then this guy started texting me less, I got frustrated and told him that I have decided to work it all out with my husband. He asked me if this means that I have chosen my husband over him and I confirmed that I did. Classic push/pull. This is how you keep a girl "on the hook". Every guy with an experience with women knows this. He's not as interested in you as you are in him, or he's playing you. Either way, 2 good reasons to move on. My husband is doing his best to forget this and to look after me. Let's be clear. He will NEVER forget this. The fact that he's willing to endure this pain and stay with you is a very strong indicator of his love and care to you. And what you're doing is the opposite, a strong indicator that you don't care for him at all. Figure out your feelings, do it today, and make a decision. Move on (divorce) to be alone or with the other man or drop him (OM) and recommit to your marriage. What you are doing is a slow death to the man, he doesn't deserve it, NOBODY does. I don't know how to fix this. The cheater's ultimate cop out. Of COURSE you know how to fix this. Stop seeing the OM, cut him out of your life and recommit to your husband. Or get a D. It's not like you're trying to solve the problem of relativity here, come on; figure out what you want and move forward. What you are doing is saying "I don't know how to fix this" so you can keep dating 2 men, getting attention from both of them, and inflating your ego. It's not rocket science, make a decision and follow through with actions. But then this other guy is in my heart and in my thoughts and I am worried that I'll miss him a lot if I throw him out of my life... Well then D your husband. He doesn't deserve to have a W who's forever worried about missing someone else. But don't be shocked when you're back here in a year talking about how your life is in shambles because you D'ed your H and your AP dropped you like a bad habit. A's aren't "real". The emotions aren't real. You have no idea how you'll feel about this guy when he has to supply everything to you, not just the ego kibbles your getting now. There's a reason that something like 90% of marriages that start between AP's end in D. It's a terrible way to start a relationship with someone that will forever color your opinion of the other person. But, either way, if you're going to spend the rest of your days wondering/pining for the other man, do your husband a huge favor and D him! 2
Author squirrel99 Posted May 29, 2017 Author Posted May 29, 2017 Is this a physical or emotional? It only got physical on the last few days we were on the trip, to me it's emotional. I got to know him and started craving to know more abou him, became intrigued about his views and life experiences... He said he fell in love with me and I felt the same
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