deeplove Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 (edited) My story is not the most politically correct. I know. Bear with me. I met a guy 7 years ago, let's call him A. He seemed interesting from the start. He was just cool and laid back and I just seemed drawn to him. I had moved onto a dorm for the summer and he lived there year round. When my friend noticed I was talking to him a bit, she said, "You know he has a gf right?" I told her that I didn't know. When I asked him about it, he said yes. He said he thought I knew. As time progressed we continued speaking. I was going through a breakup with my then high school sweetheart. He comforted me through it. We started going out in larger groups and eventually had sex. I knew it was wrong. Around that same time that we met, I met another guy who is a friend of his friend, let's call him B. One night after partying and drunkenness, I gave the friend of a friend a BJ. The shortest bj ever. I didn't enjoy it and hardly even remember it. However I knew that I was in a downward spiral and I regretted it. Not because of A, but because I was giving myself away. I hardly ever spoke to B again. The new semester, I went to another dorm and the friendship continued. We clicked but I tried not to have sex with A again. I knew I didn't want to be a side chick. Even when I went on looking for other relationships, he's still want to spend time with me and continue our sexual relationship. As the push for sex came, I'd stop speaking to him. Somehow we would rekindle our friendship. That's how it went for many years. 3 years ago, moved back onto the same dorm for my next degree. A visited almost every day. I found myself being distracted from school. I asked him not to come all the time. He wouldnt listen and my room mates liked him so they let him in LOL. This guy would do a lot for me but the pressure for sex was always there. Sometimes I gave in. All of this time, he still had the same GF. After I left there, I left the country. I stopped talking to him. When I came back a year later, I spoke to him, but he kept asking me out to places and I knew that sex would be involved so I kept my distance. However if I needed him he would be there for me. He'd come to my rescue. In 2015, the year I returned home, A asked me if there was something that I wanted to tell him. He said he heard something about me and B. He said that if he found out it was true, he's break down. I brushed it off and said wow people say the darnest things. Part of me felt like he couldnt handle the truth, part of me wanted to erase B from my life totally, and part of me felt that was none of A's business. In Feb 2017, A broke up with his gf. I called him to ask about tickets to a show and the convo ended in him crying. I was shocked. I never heard him cry before. He called back and said that he was coming over. He came and I wouldnt let him into my apartment. We went out and I asked about his gf. He said that they'd broken up. I smiled a little because finally I felt like ok.. he's 'free'. From that day on, we went to dinner every week, he picked me up from work, took me all over, did grocery shopping with me. The entire relationship shebang. However I didn't like the constant pressure for sex. I tried to hold off but it would happen a lot even though I felt like emotionally I was not ready. When I told him no, he'd act like he was dying. He'd beg, he'd grovel, he'd say I had too many rules. He acted like I was hurting him. In April 2017, after a nice birthday where I had a great time, I felt frustrated that I was in so deep, but no title. He had previously said that he needed time. I said ok but now I was impatient. He said that a few things were keeping him back. And then he said that he wanted me to come out and tell him. He finally said that he heard about B and I. And I admmitted it. He was hurt. He said that he didnt believe it was true. People came to him and told him and when he confronted B he said it was true. He said he was asked how it felt to be with one of "B's girls". I was so hurt that I was being judged for something I did 7 years ago, when I was single and A had a gf. I told him that it was none of his business. A said that he's hurt because I only recently started to do that with him, but I did it with B 7 years ago. If A only knew the difference in my actions then and now. Sigh. I got mad at A..well at the whole situation and I threw my keys at him and he left. He didn't speak to me for a week, he came back and asked to come see me. After arguing, he came into my apt and we had sex. I didn't hear from him for like 3 days. When I got a 'what's up' text, I got mad and spazzed. He had an exam the following day and said that I was selfish for acting like that. I told him that I was hurt. He said that I use sex to punish him. He said if I think so lowly of him, that he only wants me for sex, then he doesn't want it anymore. The next day I told him good luck. he responded and said thanks hun. For the next 2 weeks I didn't hear from him, however, he would like my posts on fb. I deleted him. He forwarded some course info on whats app after that and I said thnx like 3 days later. There's so much that I want to tell him. But he's gone now. I feel soo sad about the entire thing. Part of me wants him back and part is hurt that I got pressured into sex so much. Mind you, this is someone dealing with the loss of a 9 year relationship, so I cannot expect much emotional availability. I'm hurt and I miss him. I miss our friendship I just miss everything. I know I need a good kick for carrying on a relationship like this. I often wonder if I should contact him or if I did the right thing. I'm so hurt right now. Please give your thoughts...but also please be kind. Edited May 28, 2017 by deeplove
Maldives Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 My story is not the most politically correct. I know. Bear with me. I met a guy 7 years ago, let's call him A. He seemed interesting from the start. He was just cool and laid back and I just seemed drawn to him. I had moved onto a dorm for the summer and he lived there year round. When my friend noticed I was talking to him a bit, she said, "You know he has a gf right?" I told her that I didn't know. When I asked him about it, he said yes. He said he thought I knew. As time progressed we continued speaking. I was going through a breakup with my then high school sweetheart. He comforted me through it. We started going out in larger groups and eventually had sex. I knew it was wrong. Around that same time that we met, I met another guy who is a friend of his friend, let's call him B. One night after partying and drunkenness, I gave the friend of a friend a BJ. The shortest bj ever. I didn't enjoy it and hardly even remember it. However I knew that I was in a downward spiral and I regretted it. Not because of A, but because I was giving myself away. I hardly ever spoke to B again. The new semester, I went to another dorm and the friendship continued. We clicked but I tried not to have sex with A again. I knew I didn't want to be a side chick. Even when I went on looking for other relationships, he's still want to spend time with me and continue our sexual relationship. As the push for sex came, I'd stop speaking to him. Somehow we would rekindle our friendship. That's how it went for many years. 3 years ago, moved back onto the same dorm for my next degree. A visited almost every day. I found myself being distracted from school. I asked him not to come all the time. He wouldnt listen and my room mates liked him so they let him in LOL. This guy would do a lot for me but the pressure for sex was always there. Sometimes I gave in. All of this time, he still had the same GF. After I left there, I left the country. I stopped talking to him. When I came back a year later, I spoke to him, but he kept asking me out to places and I knew that sex would be involved so I kept my distance. However if I needed him he would be there for me. He'd come to my rescue. In 2015, the year I returned home, A asked me if there was something that I wanted to tell him. He said he heard something about me and B. He said that if he found out it was true, he's break down. I brushed it off and said wow people say the darnest things. Part of me felt like he couldnt handle the truth, part of me wanted to erase B from my life totally, and part of me felt that was none of A's business. In Feb 2017, A broke up with his gf. I called him to ask about tickets to a show and the convo ended in him crying. I was shocked. I never heard him cry before. He called back and said that he was coming over. He came and I wouldnt let him into my apartment. We went out and I asked about his gf. He said that they'd broken up. I smiled a little because finally I felt like ok.. he's 'free'. From that day on, we went to dinner every week, he picked me up from work, took me all over, did grocery shopping with me. The entire relationship shebang. However I didn't like the constant pressure for sex. I tried to hold off but it would happen a lot even though I felt like emotionally I was not ready. When I told him no, he'd act like he was dying. He'd beg, he'd grovel, he'd say I had too many rules. He acted like I was hurting him. In April 2017, after a nice birthday where I had a great time, I felt frustrated that I was in so deep, but no title. He had previously said that he needed time. I said ok but now I was impatient. He said that a few things were keeping him back. And then he said that he wanted me to come out and tell him. He finally said that he heard about B and I. And I admmitted it. He was hurt. He said that he didnt believe it was true. People came to him and told him and when he confronted B he said it was true. He said he was asked how it felt to be with one of "B's girls". I was so hurt that I was being judged for something I did 7 years ago, when I was single and A had a gf. I told him that it was none of his business. A said that he's hurt because I only recently started to do that with him, but I did it with B 7 years ago. If A only knew the difference in my actions then and now. Sigh. I got mad at A..well at the whole situation and I threw my keys at him and he left. He didn't speak to me for a week, he came back and asked to come see me. After arguing, he came into my apt and we had sex. I didn't hear from him for like 3 days. When I got a 'what's up' text, I got mad and spazzed. He had an exam the following day and said that I was selfish for acting like that. I told him that I was hurt. He said that I use sex to punish him. He said if I think so lowly of him, that he only wants me for sex, then he doesn't want it anymore. The next day I told him good luck. he responded and said thanks hun. For the next 2 weeks I didn't hear from him, however, he would like my posts on fb. I deleted him. He forwarded some course info on whats app after that and I said thnx like 3 days later. There's so much that I want to tell him. But he's gone now. I feel soo sad about the entire thing. Part of me wants him back and part is hurt that I got pressured into sex so much. Mind you, this is someone dealing with the loss of a 9 year relationship, so I cannot expect much emotional availability. I'm hurt and I miss him. I miss our friendship I just miss everything. I know I need a good kick for carrying on a relationship like this. I often wonder if I should contact him or if I did the right thing. I'm so hurt right now. Please give your thoughts...but also please be kind. All i can say I cld see this coming from reading thru it. Too much baggage on his end and then ur not feeling aligned in ur own values and conflicted about that it kind of played itself out wth him. Try and relax write down stuff. He's looking for u to comfort him and reassure him about the B thing rather than justify it that's all even though I agree u didn't really do anything wrong since he had gf at the time and wanted sex so his behaviour is nothing better. But to sort this one out give him reassurance say ur sorry a million timed and he'll eventually come around. Don't let something so trivial tear u both apart. Good luck 1
mikeylo Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 I would ask why havent you moved on and found a guy in 7 years? Have you been holding a torch for him all these years? Just know, now he is a changed man.He is not the same as he was 7 years ago.
elaine567 Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 Do you really want a man who thought it was OK to cheat on his gf for so long with you, who has never acknowledged you as his gf now he is "free" and who pressurises you for sex all the time? 2
Author deeplove Posted May 28, 2017 Author Posted May 28, 2017 I would ask why havent you moved on and found a guy in 7 years? Have you been holding a torch for him all these years? Just know, now he is a changed man.He is not the same as he was 7 years ago. I've actually moved onto other relationships but they have never worked out. However we keep reconnecting when I end the other relationships. What do you mean he's a changed man? Because of his breakup?
Author deeplove Posted May 28, 2017 Author Posted May 28, 2017 Do you really want a man who thought it was OK to cheat on his gf for so long with you, who has never acknowledged you as his gf now he is "free" and who pressurises you for sex all the time? I agree, why did I think this was ok for so long? Don't I love myself? 1
mikeylo Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 People change over a period of time and 7 years is a long time. If you keep reconnecting then maybe you both need to take leap of faith and see where it goes. 1
Purepony Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 He's playing games ! Plain n simple if he liked you that way he wouldn't care about something that happened 7 years ago If he's holding this over your head it's because it's to his advantage 2
preraph Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 Here's the thing. You can never trust him because he cheated on his girlfriend with you and probably others for years and years. It's none of his business what happened because he had a gf already and so you were free to do whatever, but I am sorry that was a bad memory for you. Sounds like him and his friends are just pushing for sex all the time and probably not very substantive guys. Even after he broke up with the gf, he did not try to be a real bf to you with a title and actions and everything. He just whined about wanting a BJ. You already know your soft boundaries got you into this mess. I can't tell you to contact him or not because you have probably already gotten all the commitment he's capable of, which is very little. He's free now and he'll go seeing other women. Believe it.
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