Why is it considered so wrong to burn bridges instead of being friends with exes?

[xxgreen20]

I know so many people that are best friends with their ex boyfriends/girlfriends, and I don't understand it. What I also don't understand is why so many people say they will not date anybody who is not friends with at least one of their exes. I only have one ex, and she led me on for a month after deciding she lost her feelings for me, then told our mutual friend that she was planning to dump me, and then did. Then she had another boyfriend a couple of days later, and they are just celebrating their 8-month anniversary. Now that it's been so long, I am indifferent to her, and if she looks in my eyes, I will say a brief hello in passing, but we haven't spoken at all since the breakup and never will again. When we used to work together at a grocery store, we wouldn't even speak on the job, but I would be professional towards her and help her bag and do other things that I'd do for any other coworker. But I don't believe in being friends and hanging out with someone you used to date, no matter how amicable the breakup was. I believe you should be neutral-not friends, not enemies. I don't understand why it's seen as so horrible if people are not friends, but not enemies, with their exes. To me, that is the way to do it, especially after someone new comes into the picture. By the way, I am over my ex and have actually been talking to a couple other girls, but a friend told me this opinion the other night, and it stumps me.

[BC1980]

When people say they are friend with an ex, I sometimes wonder what exactly they mean by "friend." If you dig deep enough, you usually realize that they just mean they are not enemies and they can exchange pleasantries if they see the person in public. Either that, or they genuinely have no feelings for the person and are okay being friends. I would just worry about yourself and not worry about what other people are doing or can handle. I've known one person who was very friendly with an ex after a breakup, but it's not the norm.

[Frostedflake]

Interesting!

While I've never had anyone tell me it's a protocol to have at least one ex as a friend, this made me realize I tend to argue the other side.

Though I won't say my partners cannot be friends with their exes, the general reason they were was because their relationship lost luster, sex died off, and they really were just friends at heart. In which case, why force something that's not there? And why not continue enjoying the company?

 

But I've always had valid reasons for not maintaining a relationship/friendship.

Mostly toxicity. I've never had a breakup more than one breakup that ended cleanly. Things that just change how you view the person.

You have no obligation to them at that point.

[xxgreen20]

When people say they are friend with an ex, I sometimes wonder what exactly they mean by "friend." If you dig deep enough, you usually realize that they just mean they are not enemies and they can exchange pleasantries if they see the person in public. Either that, or they genuinely have no feelings for the person and are okay being friends. I would just worry about yourself and not worry about what other people are doing or can handle. I've known one person who was very friendly with an ex after a breakup, but it's not the norm.

 

Oh cool. My breakup in September was amicable initially (she dumped me, and I was crying and all, but I understood) but then it got ugly after I found out about the new boyfriend and blocked her on all social media, etc. I never reached out because I knew it would make me look bad, but "neutral" to me is the best way to go.

[basil67]

But I don't believe in being friends and hanging out with someone you used to date, no matter how amicable the breakup was. I believe you should be neutral-not friends, not enemies. I don't understand why it's seen as so horrible if people are not friends, but not enemies, with their exes. To me, that is the way to do it, especially after someone new comes into the picture. By the way, I am over my ex and have actually been talking to a couple other girls, but a friend told me this opinion the other night, and it stumps me.

 

I think your approach is very normal. What gives you the impression that this isn't how many others think too?

[xxgreen20]

I think your approach is very normal. What gives you the impression that this isn't how many others think too?

 

Because I've heard it, believe it or not, on this forum. That a person is "not a nice person if they are not friends with one of their exes."

[preraph]

Usually one or the other ex still wants to rekindle the relationship, so it's kind of cruel to let them hang on because you want to be friends. It also complicates all your future dating relationships.

 

But the main reason is because I've found I can be "light" friends with exes but first I have to not be friends and move on and deal with the breakup and get to where I don't care very much. So sometimes it's best to get distance and then maybe take up being more like acquaintances than real friends.

[Altair0770]

I'm okay with being friends with an ex if I wanted out of the relationship, whether I'm the dumper or dumpee. Also if enough time has passed that I completely forgot about them until they re-entered my life, but I'm talking MANY YEARS after the breakup.

 

My current ex wants me to be friends with her so bad. She's spying on me, trying to seduce me "secretly" but I know she wants to just be friends. I have no interest in being friends. I'm actually just about in the "over-it" stage with her, but I didn't go through therapy and depression to be demoted to being friends when I never wanted to breakup.

 

So, I guess if it's agreed to split, it's totally cool with being friends. I'd be friends with my first ex, who dumped me, because I had no interest in being in the relationship in the first place and didn't develop feelings for her. I don't think about her, wonder about her, and don't care if some dude is drilling her.

 

My current ex? I don't want to know she even exists, so I have no interest in being friends with her, and likely never will. But then again, I may be different, because she did a LOT of damage to me. So glad to be feeling over her though

[Been]

Because to get over your ex you have to have no contact. Their is no other way.

And if someone dumped you for someone else-which is usually the case-why would you want to hang around them as their friend?

[Chi townD]

When we push for NC (No Contact) on this website, it's a common misconception that we are saying forever. And that's not true. We mean NC until all romantic feelings for our Ex's are gone. And that you are indifferent towards them (which I think you said you're already at).

[d0nnivain]

I know so many people that are best friends with their ex boyfriends/girlfriends, and I don't understand it. What I also don't understand is why so many people say they will not date anybody who is not friends with at least one of their exes.

 

 

But I don't believe in being friends and hanging out with someone you used to date, no matter how amicable the breakup was. I believe you should be neutral-not friends, not enemies. I don't understand why it's seen as so horrible if people are not friends, but not enemies, with their exes. To me, that is the way to do it, especially after someone new comes into the picture.

 

 

You actually have it right, IMO. Neutrality is best. You can be civil &

polite if you bump into them but there is no reason to pursue contact. A "hi, how are you?" when you bump into them is all that is needed, unless you share kids.

 

 

I don't know who is telling you that being friends with EXs is good or required. I think they may be misusing the word "friend" & they are leery of people who have a scorch the earth mentality toward anyone they ever dated -- won't speak them, won't speak nicely about them, would cross the street to avoid them etc. Unless there was underlying intentional cruelty, there should be the ability to be gracious.

[mightycpa]

The more exes you have, the more likely you'll find one that you can be a friend with. Not all endings go badly, and sometimes, it can make sense. But not often, I think. Never say never, because you never know.

 

That said, that rule is a bit extreme. Now, if someone said, "I won't go out with anybody who badmouths an ex" or "I won't go out with anybody if all of their breakups were filled with drama and hate", I guess I could see that.