Ok now what?

[The Highwayman]

I've in a situation I'm sure that alot of men are in. I've probably made it worse my deciding to do nothing for so long.

 

I'm in a bad marriage that was bad from the very start more than 20 years ago. My wife started out as the woman of my dreams. She had a great personality, always cheerful and outgoing and was very beautiful. We dated for a short time, but I was hooked. I was sure this woman was the one for me. How wrong I was. We talked about making the relationship serious and she said she was feeling the same way I was and wanted to get married. We agreed that we both would work and contribute to family income. That was very important because neither of us made that much at the beginning. I was so sure about marrying her but I was worried that she came from so of well off family and some of their comment about me were offputting. She said not to worry about it.

 

Then came the martial switch-a-roo, all what we talked about concerning finances was a lie. She says after we got married that she wanted to be a SAHM. The remarks by her family about me got worse and she started joining in. I was a college grad with a nice job and they made me feel like I was dirt. I had never been treated that way by anyone. I should have decided to leave the marriage at that point but didn't. I didn't want to be a quitter. She got pregnant and the problems got worse. There was all kinds of pressure from the in-laws to buy a house. With only my income, it limited our choices quite considerably to houses and/or towns that didn't meet with their approval. We had to settle for a townhouse, which my MIL was quick to criticize as not even being a house.

 

With a new house, both our car payments and all the baby expenses I was quickly in over my head. The in-laws seems to be enjoying it and my wife just piled on with the rest of them. She demanded expensive "things" all the time from her entitled upbringing that I just could not afford. I was labeled as cheap by all her family. Her cousin got married to a millionaire and I was constantly compared to him. It made any family get togethers completely unbearable for me and I started hating the holidays where I absolutely loved them before.

 

I then contacted a big name "Men's Rights" divorce lawyer. I was done with being married to her. I explained my situation and he told me that he wouldn't take my case. He said that I would be doing you the worst disservice by helping you get divorced. He explained that I would probably lose 70% of my income, have to pay child support and alimony the rest of my life to her. I knew that I could never get by on 30% of what I made so I decided to stay married. The second and third kids came and our relationship got worse and worse, the kids even hated her.

 

This brings us to now. I have wondered how I could rectify this situation. We've tried marriage counseling only to have been introduced to the fact that marriage counseling is a sham that really only seeks to name men as at fault . As the kids graduate form college I would like to target a divorce for a couple of years down the road when our youngest graduates but I'm not sure. I know that I would be broke and lonely if I did and I don't want that, I also don't want to be married to her anymore. Now what?

[Rockdad]

I personally made the decision to divorce. The trade off was work hard and lose most my income for many years in the future to her or be happy. It was awful that at times I didn't have enough to cover the basics in my home but the ex got a fat check every week.

 

But I enjoyed a fun personal life at home with my kids and then new wife. Now that I have the ex finally out of my checkbook and life for a few years I still would make the same decision all over again. Living in a marital prison was gawd awful.

[preraph]

How about going to a normal lawyer rather than a "men's rights" one and getting a divorce and moving on. You have a terrible bias thinking men are put upon. I'm sorry you live in (apparently) an alimony state, but as far as 70% going to her and the kids -- well, I think most people with kids, 70% at least goes to the kids and running their household. They're your kids.

 

Now, you can cut that amount back by asking for fair and equal joint custody. If you don't want to take time to help raise the kids, then obviously, she gets more child support because she IS willing to take time to do it. Many working moms and dads manage to share custody. So joint custody and then some court may let her know now that she has half her time free, she can also go to work and may NOT award her alimony.

 

I am sorry you married into a family and then caved into their demands, but that is really on you. At any time, you might have bailed. I know it's not that simple, but you need to take some responsibility here for going along with it until you were in over your head. She was wrong for saying she'd work and then being a SAHM, but honestly, babies need their moms for at least the first few months. I just think you should have both agreed on it BEFORE you had kids. But it would have imploded eventually because she wants what she's been used to financially, and I guess that's both of you being blinded by love and not thinking about how that might play out.

 

I think you should stop thinking counselors are out to get men and go to a male counselor and stop acting like nothing can ever be your fault.

[live2ndin]

After reading all this, I am wondering, what would be the bare minimum for you to feel like this marriage could work, and start moving towards a better relationship with your wife?

[Bromeo]

How about going to a normal lawyer rather than a "men's rights" one and getting a divorce and moving on. You have a terrible bias thinking men are put upon. I'm sorry you live in (apparently) an alimony state, but as far as 70% going to her and the kids -- well, I think most people with kids, 70% at least goes to the kids and running their household. They're your kids.

 

Now, you can cut that amount back by asking for fair and equal joint custody. If you don't want to take time to help raise the kids, then obviously, she gets more child support because she IS willing to take time to do it. Many working moms and dads manage to share custody. So joint custody and then some court may let her know now that she has half her time free, she can also go to work and may NOT award her alimony.

 

I am sorry you married into a family and then caved into their demands, but that is really on you. At any time, you might have bailed. I know it's not that simple, but you need to take some responsibility here for going along with it until you were in over your head. She was wrong for saying she'd work and then being a SAHM, but honestly, babies need their moms for at least the first few months. I just think you should have both agreed on it BEFORE you had kids. But it would have imploded eventually because she wants what she's been used to financially, and I guess that's both of you being blinded by love and not thinking about how that might play out.

 

I think you should stop thinking counselors are out to get men and go to a male counselor and stop acting like nothing can ever be your fault.

 

Wait a second. Let's slow our roll a bit. Op came to vent, and solicit advice. It's completely natural to be bitter and frustrated. What matters is the action we take as a result.

 

I don't think op is avoiding his share of responsibility at all. Men and women deal with being trapped in relationships differently. I acted out of frustration in my marriage in a very unhealthy way, and it cost me. However, it taught me a ton.

 

Op, the confusion and bitterness you feel is a result of not being committed to a course of action, whatever that course is.

 

Having been in this situation, I would advise consulting with several attorneys, not just ones specializing in '"men's rights". I have found these types to be popping up due to unfocused groups like MGTOW and the prevailing undercurrent of resentment and helplessness men feel in the divorce process.

 

Like it or not, there is tale after tale of horrible divorces from both perspectives. However, being committed to a course of action will begin to clear up the confusion a bit.

 

If you want to put yourself in the best position, communicate your unhappiness to your partner, and give yourself a time frame to address those issues. If that fails, separate and give each other some space. Make it clear you are unhappy, but still love her and need time apart. Attempt to communicate while consulting with attorneys. Consider mediation and arbitration as an alternative to a lengthy trial.

 

If that fails, you can move forward knowing you handled yourself with respect, discipline, and fairness to both parties.

 

We as a support community should be reminded occasionally that people come here seeking just that - support. It takes an enormous amount of bravery to ask for help, and although the original posting may spark buried emotions, as a whole people here are just confused, hurt, and in need of direction.

 

I certainly was.

[Superchicken]

I know that I would be broke and lonely if I did and I don't want that' date=' I also don't want to be married to her anymore. Now what?[/quote']

 

You may be broke, and lonely, BUT HELL MAN, You'll be free, and happy again.

 

 

If they tried to get money from you in the divorce, then they could be embarrassed, as if you claim they are well off, and they feel the need to take your few dollars, then, others will see them in a different light.

Maybe a mention that you will take it to the local Paper for printing, and embarrass them to their friends/family.

 

 

BUT, please make sure you really have had a final talk to your wife.

Maybe one last talk by yourselves, and discuss it.

If she's going to marriage counselling, then, maybe she does give a little shiat!.

Your life must have stunk for such a long time. However, your kids grew up to be smart and great kids (And on your side). That in itself, is worth 100 years in hell.

 

 

Ted.

Edited May 29, 2017 by Superchicken