katty Posted August 3, 2005 Posted August 3, 2005 Just an update for those who may have wondered if I made it thru the hard times,,,no I blew it big time. Here is why, if you recall bf broke up with me and then still called every other day and even though I answered every time it was hard, however he stopped and I had little panic attacks, I didn't lose it enough to call him but I did notice that he had not called for several days and I really missed him. I was also having my monthly visitor which didn't make matters any better. OK so I finally cried over my breakup. Not long but I did. I stayed busy with friends on Saturday night and guess what he called on Sunday night. I know the right thing for me to do would be to ignore his calls but I grabbed it before I could even think. I realize I am weak. We talked a little and he was of course once again curious about my weekend. I told him, he was very curious about who all went, etc. and wanted to know if I was still dating Will. etc. I informed him that even though it wasn't any of his business that I wasn't dating Will that I just went out with him on occassions to dinner, etc. He kept asking me what I was doing the next day, he knew that I normally had to come to his town for an afternoon meeting the last Monday of every month. I told him I did have to be there. He ask me to call him when I got out of my meeting. I told him OK. Jump forward, Monday I went to my meeting, etc. I know I told him I would call but I didn't. He called me. He ask me what I was doing and how long I was going to be in town. I told him I had some errands to run before I left town. He then said OK go do your errands but call me before you leave town. Again I said OK, I have never been one to lie but I knew that I would try and resist calling. He ended up calling me again thirty minutes later and asking me to please come by his place. I told him I didn't think that was a good idea. He said " I really want you to come by, you don't have to stay long, just come by for a little bit. We said we are still friends, so come visit a friend while your in town" OK I gave in I went over to visit. I tried to explain to him that I was tired and just wanted to go home and relax, of course he suggested my relaxing, showering, etc. there. I didn't even sit next to him at his house. We sat and talked like two friends, at least we tried to pretend to be friends. I was on the couch he came over and laid down with his head in my lap. I got up to go to the restroom and when I came back I sat down in another chair. We talked a little more and then he came over and tried to kiss me and hold my hand. I reminded him that we were working on being friends and I didn't make it a habit of kissing my friends. He told me that we could never be just friends bc we were so much more. Time went by and I got up to leave. He kept asking me to stay. He begged me to stay all night with him. He said he would promise to behave and not touch me but he just wanted to be near me, and that he didn't want me on the roads this late. OK I am the biggest idiot but I was also exhausted so I will blame it partly on that. Here is where I am going to catch all the heat from everyone here and I know it is deserved. I stayed all night. Of course he tried to encourage sex and I would like to lie on here and say that I wasn't interested in having anything to do with him but one thing I always loved was kissing him. We always had such an unexplainable heat when we kissed even in the beginning so I kissed him after he had tried several times. I kissed him bc I wanted to, not bc he was forcing me. I know I have no will power. We spent the night together and he was a perfect gentleman. He just ask that I allow him to cuddle me up in his arms so yes I blew it, I stayed all night and I let him cuddle up to me all night. He slept with me wrapped up in his arms all night. I tried to get up a few times to leave but he would hold me tighter. He told me he missed holding me, etc. This morning we woke up and he thanked me half a dozen times for coming to visit and for spending the night. I know in the long run this set back will make it harder for me but it is a chance I took. I know that I shouldn't give him the time of day and maybe one day soon I will no longer want to feel his touch or hear his voice, etc. but for now I am not that strong. OK everyone you have full permission to post to me and tell me what a dumb a-- I am. Kat
pippen_2k Posted August 3, 2005 Posted August 3, 2005 Sounds like to me that he wants you back? You dont want this?
Mr.P Posted August 3, 2005 Posted August 3, 2005 You want him, he wants you.............. Happy Days what a result !! I wish I could be as lucky as you.
Addison Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 If you don't feel bad about what you did and you still want to be with him, then it sounds like this was a step in the right direction. Only if you're not wanting to go back is this going to be a set back. I agree though, it sounds like this is a good thing if thats what you want. I wake up everyday and pray for such a thing to happen for me....
guest Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 It's kat, for some reason my computer shut down and I couldn't sign in but just wanted to thank you for your replies. I know I should be happy bc I know that I want things to work out for us and I know I love him however I can't help but be scared bc he really hurt me with the breakup and I am so afraid to let him in again. does this make any sense? I have not heard from him since I left yesterday morning and I know that if we talk it will have to be bc he calls me. I am just afraid of letting him in again bc he dumped me at a time that I felt we were the closest. What is going to keep him from doing this again, unless I continue to keep him at arms length. How can I be sure that he missed me or that he is rethinking his decision, maybe he was just wanting to see if he still had a hold on me. See how messed up my head is. I am definitely not going to assume that he wants to get back together and I shouldn't even think that way myself bc I could be setting myself up for my heartache, plus I should have been able to resist his calling bc running over there the first time he ask just makes me think that he is going to think he can pull this crap on me whenever he wants to. I know I am a real weirdo these days.
katty774 Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 I know that I should be happy and I should be happy and hope that this means we will get it all worked out, however I am so scared to let him to close, I feel as if I need to keep him at arms length. I am just worried that if I forgive him for breaking up with me and just go back to the way we were, that he will get the idea that he can just come and go in my life when ever the urge hits him. Don't get me wrong, its not that I want him to suffer, I just don't want to keep getting hurt. I wasn't expecting to get such nice replies, I figured I would catch some heat for not sticking with NC. I have not talked to him since yesterday morning when I left. If we talk it will be because he has called me bc I am not going to call him. I know I sound bit--y but really I am just really scared of getting hurt by him again. Does this make any sense to anyone? Maybe I should just go and get myself committed.
fundamental Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 It's not that you are making him suffer. If he is suffering, it is his own fault--shouldn't have broken up with you in the first place. Do what you feel you need to do, but be very cautious. Don't let him back in so easily ...what if he decides to do it again? He has to earn his way back onto the team through hard work. You may think you are weak, but right now you have the power, DO NOT lose it.
katty774 Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 fundamental-I hear what you are telling me loud and clear. I am trying to not even think or analyze what he is thinking or about the other night, etc. I am going to do my best to take it slow and make him work his way back in. Who knows what will happen but I do know that I am not going to have any expectations that way I don't have to get diappointed when it flops. thanks for the help.
katty774 Posted August 5, 2005 Posted August 5, 2005 well I didn't call him just like I had hoped, and right after I posted last night the phone rang and it was him. Of course he was super sweet. I was really tired so I wasn't very talkative. When we finally said good night he told me that he was having to leave town this weekend, but he would call me this weekend even though he was going to be out of town. I tried to act cool as a cucumber. I said OK, Good Night. Just thought I would let all of you know that I have not run straight back into his arms and I am going to make him do the calling, begging, etc. and not feel bad about doing so bc he is the one that broke up with me.
fundamental Posted August 5, 2005 Posted August 5, 2005 Although I hate cucumbers, you are as cool as one. Good job katty!!!
katty774 Posted August 5, 2005 Posted August 5, 2005 Thanks fundamental, I am trying to do just like you advised and be cautious. Thanks for your input.
Addison Posted August 5, 2005 Posted August 5, 2005 Well Katty, I wished for what happened to you by him calling and wanting to see you and I got it. But now I'm scared too. I want to be with him more than anything but what happens if this doesn't work out again? I don't know that I can handle feeling so hurt and disappointed again. I can forgive him so easily but it's the forgetting that I'm not so good with... if you have time check out my post in Coping... "Yesterday he came back..." I need help!*L*
katty774 Posted August 5, 2005 Posted August 5, 2005 Addison, I am going to go back right now and read your post. Sorry to wait so long to reply but this is the first chance I have had to check out the forums today. It's kind of weird how you replied to my post and said you prayed for the same thing to happen for you and then it did. I know exactly how your feeling. I also prayed that he would call, come back, etc. even though I knew that I should be thru with him. OK going to check out your post now, I will check in later.
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