Breakup

[SkunkSmile]

My girlfriend that I was living with for 7 months broke up 5 days ago. Break up was not easy, I suffer from anxiety and I recognized that only when we broke up. I made a scene, she went histerical and just left my apartment. But while we were fighting about the break up she also said that she believes there is good in me and that I should work on myself. She was very close with my mom, she said that my mom is like a therapy for her. My mom even witnessed our last fight.

 

We were enjoying our relatiosnhip but we also had couple of bad fights. Mostly because I couldn't trust her, and then she wold give me a chance of controling some of my behaviour.

 

We know each other secrets to the fullest, we would make passionate sex, most of the time I would show her much of my feelings, I would kiss her whole day and she would enjoy it.

 

I know my anxiety was ruling over me because after the break up I had a such a shock go trough my body I feel like a different man. I think this is the way I learn. Now when I go trough some of my messages I think that some kind of lunatic was writing these down.

 

Pressure from moving in new town (but now we are both back in our hometown), getting a job, having problems with my alcoholic dad, and me not sleeping,eating or exercising + my anxiety made me a man which I was not. Now I fixed all of these problems plus I'm starting a new job. I train every day, eat regulary, I don't sleep too well yet because of breakup but I try my best. I'm also getting a "clear slate" with all people from my past if we didn't have any closures on some things. I also care more about my mom by doing deeds, something that my ex always told me I should do. But I was blind. Moments after the break up I started to call her but she hang up and then blocked my number. It was foolish to do so but while in the state of shock I still had anxiety plus the shock itself ... I was just wrong, for the last time, day after that I started to work on myself.

 

She didn't unfriend me on Facebook. I contacted her once saying that I was blind not to see my mistakes, that I started to work and that I will make sure her stuff that she left at my place get back to her. She left loads of stuff, like 3 pairs of shoes, her painting kits, loads of panties and socks, jackets and shirts, also some pictures and bit money. She only "seen" my messages.

 

I feel like we have a chance to get together. She proposed a break few months ago but I was afraid to lose her. I look at bunch of things differently now, I feel like I'm out of my boyish shell and I feel nothing but love towards her not because it's hard to break up but it's hard knowing it's your fault and you want to repay everything back because you feel that's the right thing to do.

 

No contact is up, I'm thinking about 10 days no contact and then I should do something. I'm in music business and she loves Elvis, there is a song I would like to cover and send to her. Also that song makes me cry a bit but I think I can sing it without any problems, I don't want to hide my emotions anymore because before I did do that. I would also like to send her flowers or her favorite candy but most of all I would like to contact her somehow over the Facebook I'm not even hoping for immediete connection, I just want to have cup of coffee with her as a friend, as we are on beggining as I feel like changed man. I don't like her because she is a woman, but because she IS A PERSON.

 

She was always strong believer in love. She is caring and giving. Can also sometimes be a jelous but not too much. She loves horoscope and she thinks "she's typical scorpio". She would fight for my salary comfronting my boss. I did other things which were positive also: I got us a flat, I would drive her wherever we could go, I would go to the market, I would tuck her up at nights, in bad times I would try to be comforing for example when her dad tried to kill himself.

 

Also to be noted: she is a bit conservative, she's not seeing anyone or flirting. On her Facebook she only changed her profile picture an liked some pictures which reffere how man think they are princes and that relationship always end bad.

 

My age: 26

Her age: 23

 

Thank you for reading, I think you are doing a good job and would want to thank you in the name of all people here.

[ItIsNotMe]

If you love her so much, you should PROVE her that YOU ARE IN A PROCESS OF CHANGE FOR GOOD. Show her your love, be more patient, tell her everything you think and feel. Then wait. You can't force her to be with you. You said that her things are still in your house and you've got no response of your messages. Show her your change, be patient and hope for the best. And if you want to keep her back, your change should last long enough.

[SkunkSmile]

That's exactly what I'm doing and I'm going to do.

 

I needed no contact to retrospective myself and to start working on myself.

 

Do you think 10 days is enough? I don't want to come off as I moved or that I don't care on but I want to give her time also.

 

We were living on our own these 7 months so you can guess that we have a lot of memories together and lot of sucess, lot of adventures - that holds me positive that she is not forgetting me.

 

At about 9th or 10th day I plan to do a contact.

[ItIsNotMe]

You were living on your own for 7 months. And before that?

 

I would also recommend you not to text her but directly to go to her home and speak with her in private.

[SkunkSmile]

You were living on your own for 7 months. And before that?

 

I would also recommend you not to text her but directly to go to her home and speak with her in private.

 

We were dating 2 months before that and then she needed to go to this other town for 7 months and I've gone with her.

 

Now we are both back in our home town.

 

Why do you think I should go personally there? This also came trough my mind but I'm not sure about the idea. I'm positive if she told her sister about the breakup her sister will be furious and if she sees me she could make problem out of it.

[preraph]

I got from what you wrote that you were jealous and controlling because of your insecurity and anxiety. So I think some of the things you are doing to improve yourself are good, but insecurity usually is something inside you from childhood and it's good you are working on ways to control it, but seeing a psychologist might hasten the process by also finding out why you are like that and getting to the root of it and working on that and making you more able to see what triggers you and to help control yourself.

 

It doesn't sound to me like she really gave you any reason to be that way, so I think this is your problem to deal with, and you should give it a shot so it doesn't dominate all your relationships going forward. Why not start therapy and let her know you are and are working on yourself for awhile, and then try again.

[ItIsNotMe]

We were dating 2 months before that and then she needed to go to this other town for 7 months and I've gone with her.

 

Now we are both back in our home town.

 

Why do you think I should go personally there? This also came trough my mind but I'm not sure about the idea. I'm positive if she told her sister about the breakup her sister will be furious and if she sees me she could make problem out of it.

 

I think you should go personally there because that's the way to show your real intentions. Everyone could be brave enough behind the keyboard but meeting her IN REALITY shows that you are REALLY sorry for your words and actions and you REALLY want a change for good.

[SkunkSmile]

I got from what you wrote that you were jealous and controlling because of your insecurity and anxiety. So I think some of the things you are doing to improve yourself are good, but insecurity usually is something inside you from childhood and it's good you are working on ways to control it, but seeing a psychologist might hasten the process by also finding out why you are like that and getting to the root of it and working on that and making you more able to see what triggers you and to help control yourself.

 

It doesn't sound to me like she really gave you any reason to be that way, so I think this is your problem to deal with, and you should give it a shot so it doesn't dominate all your relationships going forward. Why not start therapy and let her know you are and are working on yourself for awhile, and then try again.

 

I agree that anxiety and insecurity came from my childhood. I had abusive dad and my mom would sometimes play games with me as a kid (telling me she's gonna be right away back and then she would be missing for hours).

 

Thing is, I never felt like this in my life, breakup made me see the world in totally different perspective, mature perspective.

 

After the break up there were situations where usually my anxiety would arise but now ... now I handle it without problems. I would like to go to the teraphist but I don't waste anyone's time as I feel like I'm not even half of anxiety maniac I used to be. I just learned my lesson by the whip. And I'm fine with that.

 

@ItsNotMe I agree about your point. I'm going to try various things, I think I'm going to start with slow process trough text to see how receptive is she.

 

What do you think about that? Because I always feel she is having me on Facebook and reading my messages to leave me little open door.

[ItIsNotMe]

Better go to speak her in private. Be real!

[SkunkSmile]

I think I'm going to send her a song, and after that I'm going to drop her stuff back at her place with my car.

 

By driving a car I think she will get message I stood up on my feet because I've been struggling financial but in meantime I got some money so I registered my car as I promised to do before. And then I will see her.

 

What do you think?

 

Is 10 days since breakup still fresh?

Edited May 25, 2017 by SkunkSmile

[codest]

I think I'm going to send her a song, and after that I'm going to drop her stuff back at her place with my car.

 

By driving a car I think she will get message I stood up on my feet because I've been struggling financial but in meantime I got some money so I registered my car as I promised to do before. And then I will see her.

 

What do you think?

 

Is 10 days since breakup still fresh?

 

The song would fine after 10 days of NC, but dropping off her stuff like that would be not. That would show her that you are ready to move on, and that's too early for that. You may regret it badly later on. Just don't do anything hasty, give it some time, and only then take action while avoiding doing anything desperate.

[spiderowl]

I don't think you should go and see her. She broke up with you and she ignored your text. Those are not the signs of a girl who wants to see her ex turn up on her doorstep. That is a quick way to get a restraining order placed on you.

 

Doing a song sounds great. It's fantastic that you are in the music business and can express yourself like this. I do not feel it would be wise to share it with her. Sharing it with your friends, yes, but not just her. I can promise you she will interpret sharing such a song with her as pressure. You are effectively saying 'look how I feel about you - don't forget what we had together'. She has already turned down what you had together. If you want her back, don't push it at all, let her come looking for you. If you are distant from her and doing well and growing in maturity, she might notice but also some other gorgeous girl might notice. Why restrict yourself to an ex who has left?

 

It is best you look after yourself, develop the maturity you feel you need for a future relationship but do not assume that it will be with your ex. If you demonstrate respect for her and maintain a dignified distance, she is more likely to start respecting you and wondering if she did the right thing. However, it is best to move on if you can and assume that she will not be back with you, otherwise you will just be hanging onto something that may not be there.

[SkunkSmile]

I don't think you should go and see her. She broke up with you and she ignored your text. Those are not the signs of a girl who wants to see her ex turn up on her doorstep. That is a quick way to get a restraining order placed on you.

 

Doing a song sounds great. It's fantastic that you are in the music business and can express yourself like this. I do not feel it would be wise to share it with her. Sharing it with your friends, yes, but not just her. I can promise you she will interpret sharing such a song with her as pressure. You are effectively saying 'look how I feel about you - don't forget what we had together'. She has already turned down what you had together. If you want her back, don't push it at all, let her come looking for you. If you are distant from her and doing well and growing in maturity, she might notice but also some other gorgeous girl might notice. Why restrict yourself to an ex who has left?

 

It is best you look after yourself, develop the maturity you feel you need for a future relationship but do not assume that it will be with your ex. If you demonstrate respect for her and maintain a dignified distance, she is more likely to start respecting you and wondering if she did the right thing. However, it is best to move on if you can and assume that she will not be back with you, otherwise you will just be hanging onto something that may not be there.

 

Of course she ignored my text because it was like two days after the break up. Don't you think she is hurting? Do you really think living 7 months together sharing everything, good and bad is nothing to account for? Don't you think she is also suffering and having a double doubts?

 

I mean, your post, even though I respect your willingness to help is full of negative vibrations. Look, people fight, people break up and sometimes people meet again. From your point of view, I might aswell just say "**** it, I don't want to be with her". But if I had such an opinion I would not be even posting this right now. If we had truly unloving relationship it would be easy on us both. If I cheated - it would be easy. But we didn't do that stuff, I was just being jelous and tense. I couldn't get that into my skull until we broke off.

 

By your logic, which I don't say is not good but is not perfect - she would delete me from Facebook, not even reading my messages and already be here for her stuff. To be honest I would react same as her, I would not react to the messages because I'm confused and angry, but I would believe in love and in the hope that my ex partner can be a better person.

 

That's the thing, she didn't do the wrong thing, at the moment. But I tend to think she did the wrong thing in the long run.

 

Sharing a song with my friends? It's a song about her, I don't see any point in sharing it with my friends as I either do songs for my own satisfaction, for profit or for my love. I'm not interested what my friends have to say about my love song because I didn't do it for fame, song is to show my love and dedication and willingness because it's not an easy task. I want to do that with all of my heart.

 

Now I see she's liking some of pictures on Facebook, one of latest ones are "I wish someone would look at me this way ..." - she is longing for love, love that I'm now ready to give to her.

 

By your logic, I should just let her know I moved on and then she will move on and nothing will happen.

 

You see spiderowl, I tend to think that relationship is thing about two people. But there comes a time when only one believes and other needs to see the commitment.

 

It's about patching up people who still have a chance, not trying to destroy it and then live in an illusion that you made a great thing by cutting off all means possible of getting back together into a more serious relationship.

 

Sorry if this sounded rude but I'm just being honest.

[Bromeo]

Please do not go and surprise her. I can tell you from experience in doing the same that it is a bad idea, and will not turn out how you want. By doing so, you are attempting to control and force a confrontation and communication she may not be ready for.

 

The times in my life I have attempted to force issues, whether professionally, domestically, or romantically without fail have gone badly.

 

As a man, and this will suck to hear, give her some space. Let her reach out to you, and if the communication goes well, gently offer to meet up and talk.

 

As we are creatures of action, this seems counterintuitive. However, you show respect for her and discipline by not forcing things.

 

For context, after 3 weeks of no contact, when I travelled to my exs work for the same reason, I told her I loved her, wanted to marry her, make babies, etc.

 

She made fun of me, told me she was seeing someone else, and basically disrespected any effort I made. Although everyone assured me I was not a stalker, I felt like one, and it severely damaged my self esteem and self respect.

 

For the short term, attempt to distract yourself. If she reaches out to you, take things slow. 10 days is nothing, exs have been seen to reach out after 5 years or more.

 

Be safe, and good luck.

[Maldives]

Please do not go and surprise her. I can tell you from experience in doing the same that it is a bad idea, and will not turn out how you want. By doing so, you are attempting to control and force a confrontation and communication she may not be ready for.

 

The times in my life I have attempted to force issues, whether professionally, domestically, or romantically without fail have gone badly.

 

As a man, and this will suck to hear, give her some space. Let her reach out to you, and if the communication goes well, gently offer to meet up and talk.

 

As we are creatures of action, this seems counterintuitive. However, you show respect for her and discipline by not forcing things.

 

For context, after 3 weeks of no contact, when I travelled to my exs work for the same reason, I told her I loved her, wanted to marry her, make babies, etc.

 

She made fun of me, told me she was seeing someone else, and basically disrespected any effort I made. Although everyone assured me I was not a stalker, I felt like one, and it severely damaged my self esteem and self respect.

 

For the short term, attempt to distract yourself. If she reaches out to you, take things slow. 10 days is nothing, exs have been seen to reach out after 5 years or more.

 

Be safe, and good luck.

 

On the money Bromeo

[theloner]

Scorpio? Hmm just like my ex.

They hate needy guy. Controlling. Jealous. Weak guy etc.

 

My advice, just do nothing. Give her space, so that she can start missing you.

 

And typical scorpio, they dint like to message much when it comes to drama or relationship problems. And they are stubborn but with a weak heart.

 

Just like my ex, i stay no contact for almost 2 months, she still no contact me. While if i stalk her fb, it full with quotes about hurting and etc

 

Till I contact her 1 time due to specific reason, she reply with exitement even planing togo trip with me on specific date. But turn out she getting cold by the next day.

 

I know about that. Its normal. Scorpio emotional can be changed at random of time.

 

But trust me they love mysterious guy, un jealous or un needy guy.

Because overall they are alpha female.

 

I knew with few tricks i can get her back. But as the price i will be suffer due to , i need to be submissive . While I can't bcz i'm aquarius, people submissive to me, not me.

[SkunkSmile]

Well she already strarted to like pictures like:

 

"I wish someone would like to look at me like this" (picture is this guy looking at a woman with admiration and passion"

 

I just don't know when I should make a move guys and girls ... I just don't. Almost all people tell me advice such as:

 

- Give her space

- Watch out for her Facebook

 

I'm sure she is not seeing anyone at the moment and I'm pretty sure she won't do that soon.

 

I already have a song for her I recorded and can send to her.

I changed mentally, other people started to notice that.

I'm doing my training routine

I'm also doing a website for her that I agreed to do for her long time ago.

Also fixed my car ready to roll

 

I just don't know when I should go into action.

 

I'm a leo, and I know we have problem with neediness and comfort zone, but as I'm sure I fixed that part now and it won't happen again I'm in a situation where I don't know when I should time my stuff right.

 

But she was always decisive one in relationship.

 

In the other hand, leos have strong heart and even tho' we can panic in situations, few hours is enough for us to gather up and fight at multiple fronts. We are sun sign, I know that one of things that made her get in love with me was that energy, summer is our time and summer is at the door. I'm not big of a fan when it comes to horoscope but I know leos have ridicilous amount of passive energy, like sun is exploding in us, we have tendency not to give out energy step by step but a swarm of energy at once which just stomps other energies because of intensity

[SkunkSmile]

She contacted me today.

 

She was asking about Dr.Martens shoes that are at my place.

She told me there is a girl that wants to buy them.

She asked if I can give her pictures and shoe number and if I can sent them to her (the pictures)

 

I told her that that was not a problem and that I'm gonna do it after my training routine.

 

I said I will make them clean first and then take a picture of them, she said there is no need for me to make them clean.

 

She thanked me and that we will hear from each other.

 

I asked her about her colleague assignment, she said "it was all good".

 

I said: "Good for them, okay we gonna hear from each other" ("good for them" sounds different in Croatian, like if professors gave you bad grade you would nail them, I would tell her that same sentence in beginning of relationship.

 

Then I logged off.

 

Where I go from here?

Edited May 28, 2017 by SkunkSmile

[Bromeo]

She contacted me today.

 

She was asking about Dr.Martens shoes that are at my place.

She told me there is a girl that wants to buy them.

She asked if I can give her pictures and shoe number and if I can sent them to her (the pictures)

 

I told her that that was not a problem and that I'm gonna do it after my training routine.

 

I said I will make them clean first and then take a picture of them, she said there is no need for me to make them clean.

 

She thanked me and that we will hear from each other.

 

I asked her about her colleague assignment, she said "it was all good".

 

I said: "Good for them, okay we gonna hear from each other" ("good for them" sounds different in Croatian, like if professors gave you bad grade you would nail them, I would tell her that same sentence in beginning of relationship.

 

Then I logged off.

 

Where I go from here?

 

Brother, the advice remains the same. Do nothing, and let her come to you slowly. Don't force the issue, send songs, or offer gifts. This thing will move forward on a timetable you cannot control. Therefore, life your life as best you can.

 

By doing so, you make her feel respected and unpressured. In addition, you show self respect and discipline. You all are not together right now, so do as you like.

[SkunkSmile]

Thx for comments.

I have a feeling she is testing water a bit. What i have done for her today was basically a favor because i needed to take the pictures and give the boots to a guy who can measure the size (because there is nothing written on them)

[SkunkSmile]

Maybe i look too much into it but its weird she was explaining so detailed info about the buyer. Like she had to really specifiy that buyer is a girl friend of her girl collegue so I dont think males are involved it just felt like it

[SkunkSmile]

Any more input guys and girls? I think we are both in our critical moments right now.