iekika Posted May 25, 2017 Posted May 25, 2017 Before I start can I just say that this is behaviour of somebody in their 30s and not a teenager. Anyway I am good friends with a guy for over a year now. We have a friends with benefits arrangement and see each other frequently, even if its not for sex, for lunch or coffee. I introduced him to my baby son, I have borrowed him money when he needed it, I even was guarantor for him when he really needed someone to do it. We weren't friends on social media until about 2 months ago when a friend request came from him out of the blue. I accepted. I noticed however in the past that he has had so called good friends of his on his Facebook - 'girlfriends' - that would be added a few months then disappear and replaced with more random girls. The girls he deletes for apparently no reason, he stays in touch with too by other means. The majority of his friends are long distance friends and work friends. He told me once that he is scared of commitment with these previous girls and this corresponded to him deleting them off. Anyway, I found myself deleted last night - for no reason at all. He was actually texting me at the time he deleted me and denied ever doing it. Then all of a sudden his friends list was hidden too. It wouldn't have bothered me so much if I was never added - but he added me, saw me the previous night, was texting me plans for Saturday then deletes me?! Is there a reason he does this to me and other girls in the past as I am struggling to understand his behaviour? Is he hiding something (say he has a new girlfriend) or does it sound more like a commitment issue, like he catches feelings and lays off a bit? So confused and a bit angry too!
Zahara Posted May 25, 2017 Posted May 25, 2017 Is there a reason he does this to me and other girls in the past as I am struggling to understand his behaviour? Is he hiding something (say he has a new girlfriend) or does it sound more like a commitment issue, like he catches feelings and lays off a bit? He answered your question as you stated below. He told me once that he is scared of commitment with these previous girls and this corresponded to him deleting them off. 1
Author iekika Posted May 25, 2017 Author Posted May 25, 2017 He answered your question as you stated below. I am confused though as we never had a commitment and were never officially dating as with the other ones he has talked to me about so I have no idea what he could have been scared of.
stillafool Posted May 25, 2017 Posted May 25, 2017 Before I start can I just say that this is behaviour of somebody in their 30s and not a teenager. Anyway I am good friends with a guy for over a year now. We have a friends with benefits arrangement and see each other frequently, even if its not for sex, for lunch or coffee. I introduced him to my baby son, I have borrowed him money when he needed it, I even was guarantor for him when he really needed someone to do it. We weren't friends on social media until about 2 months ago when a friend request came from him out of the blue. I accepted. I noticed however in the past that he has had so called good friends of his on his Facebook - 'girlfriends' - that would be added a few months then disappear and replaced with more random girls. The girls he deletes for apparently no reason, he stays in touch with too by other means. The majority of his friends are long distance friends and work friends. He told me once that he is scared of commitment with these previous girls and this corresponded to him deleting them off. Anyway, I found myself deleted last night - for no reason at all. He was actually texting me at the time he deleted me and denied ever doing it. Then all of a sudden his friends list was hidden too. It wouldn't have bothered me so much if I was never added - but he added me, saw me the previous night, was texting me plans for Saturday then deletes me?! Is there a reason he does this to me and other girls in the past as I am struggling to understand his behaviour? Is he hiding something (say he has a new girlfriend) or does it sound more like a commitment issue, like he catches feelings and lays off a bit? So confused and a bit angry too! Maybe it's because he owes them money he isn't going to repay. I doubt if he catches feelings for all those he deletes. He is a FWB and therefore can date and do what he wants with other women. Why are you angry? Is he going to stop seeing you? Did he pay you back all that he owes?
Zahara Posted May 25, 2017 Posted May 25, 2017 I am confused though as we never had a commitment and were never officially dating as with the other ones he has talked to me about so I have no idea what he could have been scared of. The thing with FWB is that it should leave no room for "confusion". This is a sex arrangement but it looks like you've invested more than you should. If YOU are catching feelings, then it would be best to step back and rethink. Or you tell him how you feel and go from there. I'm not sure why you are angry. What he does and does not do on FB means nothing at all unless you're emotionally attached and correlating his actions towards these other women as a reflection as to how he feels about you. If you want to continue FWB, try to place boundaries. If these things are going to affect you, maybe this is not the arrangement for you. 1
Author iekika Posted May 25, 2017 Author Posted May 25, 2017 Maybe it's because he owes them money he isn't going to repay. I doubt if he catches feelings for all those he deletes. He is a FWB and therefore can date and do what he wants with other women. Why are you angry? Is he going to stop seeing you? Did he pay you back all that he owes? I wouldn't know if he did or not without asking them and that is just weird. He hasn't repaid me.. I am owed about £400, plus have bought him cigarettes etc numerous times as well. Not all in one, that's accumulated over the year or so. He asked for my details to do a bank transfer which I never received. He has lied to me too about a few things.
Zahara Posted May 25, 2017 Posted May 25, 2017 I wouldn't know if he did or not without asking them and that is just weird. He hasn't repaid me.. I am owed about £400, plus have bought him cigarettes etc numerous times as well. Not all in one, that's accumulated over the year or so. He asked for my details to do a bank transfer which I never received. He has lied to me too about a few things. Given this new information, FB is the least of your concerns. You need to rethink this "relationship/friendship" you have with him.
Author iekika Posted May 25, 2017 Author Posted May 25, 2017 Given this new information, FB is the least of your concerns. You need to rethink this "relationship/friendship" you have with him. I know I do. I kept him in my life as I am pending DNA results on my son after he lied about having a vasectomy. He's also lied to me about his son not being well among other things. I was considering reaching out to his ex wife for clarification on a lot of stuff in the hope that I would get some home truths.
d0nnivain Posted May 25, 2017 Posted May 25, 2017 I am confused though as we never had a commitment and were never officially dating as with the other ones he has talked to me about so I have no idea what he could have been scared of. Honey you have a HUGE Commitment. You are tied to this man for the term of the contract you signed as his guarantor. Once he defaults & believe me that is coming, you will owe all of that money. Him deleting you off social media is the least of your problems. IHe hasn't repaid me.. I am owed about £400, plus have bought him cigarettes etc numerous times as well. Not all in one, that's accumulated over the year or so. He asked for my details to do a bank transfer which I never received. He has lied to me too about a few things. He's a con artist. He's using your body & slowing stealing from you. You are never getting this money back. Speak to a lawyer about getting off the guarantee contract before this guy ruins your credit. I know I do. I kept him in my life as I am pending DNA results on my son after he lied about having a vasectomy. He's also lied to me about his son not being well among other things. I was considering reaching out to his ex wife for clarification on a lot of stuff in the hope that I would get some home truths. The time to investigate his character was before you slept with him & gave him money. His EX wife can't help you now. When he learns that you are in league with her, he'll ghost & then where will you be. If there is any possibility that he's the father of your child you need a lawyer and an Order for Child Support immediately, not that you are going to see a dime from this deadbeat You also need to figure out why you are so starved for affection that you make these bad choices. My heart is breaking for you. This guy was a series of BAD expensive mistakes. (Not that your son is a mistake but kids are expensive & I can't imagine that pregnant out of wedlock by a down-on-his-luck FWB was a choice) 2
stillafool Posted May 25, 2017 Posted May 25, 2017 I wouldn't know if he did or not without asking them and that is just weird. He hasn't repaid me.. I am owed about £400, plus have bought him cigarettes etc numerous times as well. Not all in one, that's accumulated over the year or so. He asked for my details to do a bank transfer which I never received. He has lied to me too about a few things. Yep, more than likely he has deleted them, gone ghost because he owes them money. Do you know where he lives? Have you been to his house? 1
Author iekika Posted May 25, 2017 Author Posted May 25, 2017 I have his address from signing the guarantor papers as it was for his rental agreement, so I know where he lives. He only recently got the house about a week ago so I haven't been up to it yet. I suppose its more the fool me for giving it to him but hey ho there you go.. I'm just too nice and don't see 'bad' in anybody and it may go badly against me this time. I think its quite obvious now talking about it that he's done the same/similar to these girls except he doesn't completely ghost.
Zahara Posted May 25, 2017 Posted May 25, 2017 I'm just too nice and don't see 'bad' in anybody and it may go badly against me this time. There was a time when I was "so nice" but that was just my need to appease people in hopes that they will like/love me. This wasn't about being nice -- this was probably you bending over backwards hoping to receive love/validation in return. The smart and healthy approach is to allow trust to be earned and then offer up your kindness.
d0nnivain Posted May 25, 2017 Posted May 25, 2017 I have his address from signing the guarantor papers as it was for his rental agreement, so I know where he lives. He only recently got the house about a week ago so I haven't been up to it yet. I suppose its more the fool me for giving it to him but hey ho there you go.. I'm just too nice and don't see 'bad' in anybody and it may go badly against me this time. I think its quite obvious now talking about it that he's done the same/similar to these girls except he doesn't completely ghost. See if you can work with the landlord to get off that lease before he stops paying rent & you're on the hook.
Author iekika Posted May 25, 2017 Author Posted May 25, 2017 See if you can work with the landlord to get off that lease before he stops paying rent & you're on the hook. I was thinking that. His first payment is on the 12th June so maybe I should call before then.
preraph Posted May 25, 2017 Posted May 25, 2017 Sounds like his wife or girlfriend caught him in the act and he had to hide the evidence. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 25, 2017 Posted May 25, 2017 I was thinking that. His first payment is on the 12th June so maybe I should call before then. The landlord was smart enough to not rent to this guy without a responsible person (you) as back up. The landlord will not voluntarily give up that secure position but you can try. 1
leogirl876 Posted May 26, 2017 Posted May 26, 2017 The thing with FWB is that it should leave no room for "confusion". This is a sex arrangement but it looks like you've invested more than you should. If YOU are catching feelings, then it would be best to step back and rethink. Or you tell him how you feel and go from there. I'm not sure why you are angry. What he does and does not do on FB means nothing at all unless you're emotionally attached and correlating his actions towards these other women as a reflection as to how he feels about you. If you want to continue FWB, try to place boundaries. If these things are going to affect you, maybe this is not the arrangement for you. Because I don't know any woman who can have a successful FWB arrangement and not catch feelings and start having expectations. It's in a woman's DNA. I cannot have a FWB, ever, I would expectations, and I know that of almost all women. The exception might be where the woman is not attracted to the guy and the guy is way more into her than she is into him is the only way I think it could work.
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