I fell in love with someone with a personality disorder

[Maggie4]

CanadianGuy, I don't know much about these psychology terms. But I read through your post and I think you are a good honest young man that got tangled up with a complicated city girl. What you did, was from the heart and it was the right thing, but with the wrong girl. You are capable of really loving someone. Don't change.

[TheCanadianGuy94]

Yes, that explanation of events sounds plausible to me, CanadianGuy. But you are in the best position to judge what actually happened. You are the only person who watched it all unfold.

Yeah, well I guess it's all just theory anyway. I'm moving on, and each day it hurts a little less, but I'm always left with questions. When I reflect on my life, almost everything makes sense, childhood, teenage years, university, college, work. I have a narrative, I can explain to myself why I am where I am today, the series of events all make sense.

 

But my months with her feel like a fog. I don't know what to believe about anything that was said or done, I can't trust her to ever tell the truth, heck, she may even believe her own lies. It's uncomfortable to have all those months clouded by mystery. Trying to rationalize it is my attempt to answer those questions, but like I said earlier, it's always going to be just theory.

 

 

What is surprising, then, is not that your exGF is behaving nice and personable but, instead, that she is doing so AFTER the final breakup. Typically what happens after the breakup is that the BPDer splits her exBF black and says awful things about him -- as your exGF has done with regard to both of her exBFs (those before you). This splitting occurs because the exBF's walking away triggers the BPDer's great fear of abandonment.

 

I forgot to comment on this earlier, but that is one BPD trait that doesn't perfectly align with my ex. Of her two serious boyfriends, she only spoke poorly of the second one.

 

BF #1 - He was a stoner, much older than her but also lost his mother. She had suspicions of him cheating, but not much proof. Apparently became an alcoholic. She didn't talk too much about him, she almost seemed indifferent.

 

BF #2 - He was her age, she said he hit her once, and it ended last summer because he apparently cheated on her. It was clear she didn't think fondly of him, and she talked poorly of him a few times, but nothing too intense.

 

Now, she did fit the BPD trait of putting me on a pedestal early on, saying she had never been treated that well, and her exes never cared for her like me, or made her feel the way I do, but that was it. She also fits the BPD trait of being with a variety of different people. She dated a stoner and did harder drugs with him for awhile, dated a Mormon after that, dated a Justin Bieber wannabe for a couple months, her second serious bf was a computer guy, etc.

 

And she also got involved with some people it seems for just popularity, she got with a foreign exchange student only because her friends had crushes on him, so for her it was an ego boost. She even dated a 16 year old mormon (yes, another one, this time she was 21) all last summer because he was the lead in a local play they were doing. Coincidentally, once the play was over, they were too.

 

Another odd thing, she kept all her old pictures of her first two exes for years on social media and only deleted them after I brought it up. But when we broke up, she deleted everything. A pretty passive aggressive move considering I didn't cheat, hit, or abuse her. And she didn't seem mad at me, even after the breakup when the silent treatment ended she said "It's not that we're not right for each other, it's just not the right time. I need to be alone, I'm not ready for a relationship, who knows? We may still end up together someday". Which I'm sure was her trying to soften the blow, but it certainly didn't sound angry or upset at me. And none of her texts seemed that way either.

 

Perhaps I'm still too deep in the fog to rationalize all that behaviour, but I'm lost.

Edited June 5, 2017 by TheCanadianGuy94

[TheCanadianGuy94]

For what it's worth, OP, I know that my BPD ex is now married and the same chaos has followed him into his marriage. (A good friend of mine is friends with his sister, and I hear the odd update) All I can say is that I am not surprised, and I am not one bit envious. Quite the opposite: I'm very grateful I left when I did.

 

If someone really does suffer from a PD, it will be a lifelong struggle - especially if the person in question is not in treatment. That's how they are wired and it doesn't tend to get better over time without serious and sustained therapy. Let this girl be someone else's problem now. It's not worth the additional emotional toll it would have taken on you.

 

I've accepted that I'm better off without her, but I admit that I miss the idea of her, who I thought she was. However, I don't miss the real her at all, I don't need a selfish, controlling, manipulative person in my life. That's not love.

 

CanadianGuy, I don't know much about these psychology terms. But I read through your post and I think you are a good honest young man that got tangled up with a complicated city girl. What you did, was from the heart and it was the right thing, but with the wrong girl. You are capable of really loving someone. Don't change.

 

Thank you very much.

[Downtown]

My months with her feel like a fog. I don't know what to believe about anything that was said or done.

CanadianGuy, if you were dating a BPDer for six months, feeling "like a fog" is exactly how you should be feeling. That's why a popular website for the abused family members of PD sufferers is named "outofthefog.net." That website is targeted to the family members of BPDers, narcissists, and sociopaths. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

Yeah, well I guess it's all just theory anyway.... it's always going to be just theory.

No, being able to spot strong occurrences of BPD only requires you to be able to spot a strong pattern of behaviors. It does not require any theory. Indeed, the entire American diagnostic manual (DSM-5) is said to be "atheoretical" because it makes no attempt to explain the underlying cause of ANY of the 157 mental disorders. It thus is essentially only a dictionary that defines a list of behavioral symptoms -- i.e., a pattern of behaviors -- for each of the 157 disorders. This means that, when you are seeing at least 5 of the 9 BPD behaviors occurring strongly, you are -- by definition -- seeing a strong pattern of BPD symptoms.

 

Whether that pattern is so severe as to constitute "full-blown BPD" is a matter for a professional to determine. Yet, for purposes of deciding whether someone is a good marriage candidate, it really does not matter whether the BPD is "full-blown." A woman meeting only 80% of the diagnostic criteria (thus "not having BPD") will be almost as impossible to live with as one meeting 100% (thus "having BPD").

 

Before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD.

 

Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits whenever they occur. Indeed, you would have to be deaf, dumb, and blind to not be able to spot behaviors such as temper tantrums, icy sulking, verbal abuse, impulsiveness, and rapid flips between adoring and devaluing you.

[bluefeather]

When I reflect on my life, almost everything makes sense, childhood, teenage years, university, college, work. I have a narrative, I can explain to myself why I am where I am today, the series of events all make sense.

 

But my months with her feel like a fog.

 

Fog sounds about right. For one experience, it felt like a dream. Very hazy. It was as if something happened a very long time ago, even though it had only been a couple of days. In time, and as you continue to analyze, the past may become clearer. But I definitely agree with Downtown:

 

Yet, for purposes of deciding whether someone is a good marriage candidate, it really does not matter whether the BPD is "full-blown." A woman meeting only 80% of the diagnostic criteria (thus "not having BPD") will be almost as impossible to live with as one meeting 100% (thus "having BPD").

 

Going through an experience with someone like this really does hurt.. a lot And you're right, CanadianGuy. It's NOT love. Or rather, it's not the correct way to express it. You've got to wish her well and move on.

[TheCanadianGuy94]

CanadianGuy, if you were dating a BPDer for six months, feeling "like a fog" is exactly how you should be feeling. That's why a popular website for the abused family members of PD sufferers is named "outofthefog.net." That website is targeted to the family members of BPDers, narcissists, and sociopaths. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

A little off topic, but thank you Downtown for continually replying and giving me more insight into the complexities of BPD. It honestly has helped my recovery.

 

No, being able to spot strong occurrences of BPD only requires you to be able to spot a strong pattern of behaviors. It does not require any theory. Indeed, the entire American diagnostic manual (DSM-5) is said to be "atheoretical" because it makes no attempt to explain the underlying cause of ANY of the 157 mental disorders. It thus is essentially only a dictionary that defines a list of behavioral symptoms -- i.e., a pattern of behaviors -- for each of the 157 disorders. This means that, when you are seeing at least 5 of the 9 BPD behaviors occurring strongly, you are -- by definition -- seeing a strong pattern of BPD symptoms.

 

Whether that pattern is so severe as to constitute "full-blown BPD" is a matter for a professional to determine. Yet, for purposes of deciding whether someone is a good marriage candidate, it really does not matter whether the BPD is "full-blown." A woman meeting only 80% of the diagnostic criteria (thus "not having BPD") will be almost as impossible to live with as one meeting 100% (thus "having BPD").

 

Before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD.

 

Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits whenever they occur. Indeed, you would have to be deaf, dumb, and blind to not be able to spot behaviors such as temper tantrums, icy sulking, verbal abuse, impulsiveness, and rapid flips between adoring and devaluing you.

My apologies, there was some understandable miscommunication. When talking about theory, I was referencing my theory as to why the series of events unfolded the way they did, I wasn't questioning the validity of PD.