I fell in love with someone with a personality disorder

[TheCanadianGuy94]

Last month I made a post here, but for the sake of the topic I will tell the story again and the details that have since come up. Any input would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

 

THE BOY - 22 years old, never had a relationship, only had sex once, and was working as a production assistant on a TV show. Divorced parents, grew up around cheating and alcohol abuse. Lived with his mom.

THE GIRL -21 years old, had 2 long-term relationships (2-3 yrs), her first boyfriend was an alcoholic, and she broke up with him, and the second one cheated, and she broke up with him as well. She had several hook ups in between them, and was a local actress. Her mother passed away from cancer, and she was raised by her dad since she was 15, whom she still lived with.

THE SET UP (MONTH 1)

- Met on set.

- After a wrap party we sleep together.

- We had chemistry almost immediately, and bonded quickly over a love of the same music, life philosophies, interests, and the sex was incredible. We talked like best friends, it was so natural.

- We spent the next few days together until she had to fly home, she begged me to fly out to see her.

- Like a naive young man, I flew out to see her that week.

 

HONEYMOON (MONTH 1-2)

- I visit her in the big city, and she welcomes me in with open arms. We have sex all week and drive around exploring the city, her hometown and getting to know each other and her friends and family.

 

- We do this for a few amazing weeks, each day we grew more close, I never had chemistry like that in my life with anyone, friends included. I was convinced this was 'the one'.

 

- I realized after a few weeks that I couldn't leave this girl, but I also had no where to stay, nor the money to afford a place completely alone. So we made the completely irrational plan to move in together...after only a month of being together everyday.

LIFESTYLE & MOVING IN TOGETHER (MONTH 2-5)

- We flew back to my home on my birthday, I packed by bags, and we drove my car halfway across the country, her Dad really liked me so he let me move in.

 

- During this time we spent Christmas together, New Years, Valentine's Day...it was all magical, her family welcomed me in with open arms, her friends liked me, and we were an ambitious, optimistic couple.

 

- We spent the winter months renovating her Dad's basement apartment for ourselves, and eventually we had a private place of our own.

 

But we spent....almost every second together for nearly 6 months.

- We started every morning by waking up and hugging each other, even after the honeymoon stage, we went to the gym together, planned our day around each other, went to bed together, repeat. We were convinced we were meant for each other. Passion was high.

 

- But as time wore on, we grew dependent on each other, and we got emotional. Suddenly little disagreements were taken personally, we found ourselves getting our feelings hurt often, and we became controlling in order to cover up our insecurities.

Red Flags

 

> She wouldn't allow me to work on set because of 'attractive actresses being on set'. And of course, her judgemental relatives concluded I was 'lazy' because I was on employment insurance during this time...

 

> She wanted me to delete every girl she was 'threatened' by off my social media (anyone remotely attractive), and I complied, to me none of them mattered anyway. But in return I asked for her to delete her exes, to me it was fair. (I know, immature)

 

> I felt insecure about her being with a lot more people than me, she told me early on I was the 'best' but it messed with my confidence when I learned of some of the guys she was with. And I also couldn't help but question her morality...at 21 she slept with a 16 year old kid...and in high school she was sleeping with a guy in his 30s...I was disgusted by that. I tried not to judge her for her past, but it did bother me.

 

> She was able to see her friends whenever she wanted, but when I did, it was often not supported, and she would complain if I saw a friend more than once every two weeks.

 

> When my brother was visiting for a week, after not seeing him for 4 months, I was naturally very excited to catch up. We talked for 15 minutes (max) when he arrived before I had to excuse myself to the washroom. While in there I got a moody text from her complaining about the lack of attention to her. I was shocked, it took only that amount of time for her to become insecure? The whole time he was visiting was hell, I barely saw him because she took up all my time. It was like I was constantly having to make my brother feel welcome and comfortable while my girlfriend fought for every ounce of my attention.

THE BREAK (MONTH 5-6)

-In order to find a solution to our problems, she sought out her old family psychologist. As you can imagine, the psychologist didn't approve of our speed, and noted our unhealthy behavior.

 

- After a few lengthy sessions he felt she was unhealthy and advocated that she try to take some time alone if possible (without me as a crutch) and join a therapy group, 6 days a week.

 

- Initially, she wanted to do this, just not the break from me. But after an argument one night, she decided it was for the best and she impulsively decided to end it. Having no where to go, and not wanting to feel unwelcome, I packed my bags that night. But before I left, she stopped me, cried and kissed me passionately, saying she didn't want to break up and that she would get healthy for me.

 

- I drove 18 hours back home in one go, crying most of the way. She cried all day and called me multiple times on the way there, apologizing and promising she would come back for me in a month at the most. And that we would be a stronger, healthier couple. I believed her.

 

- I moved in with my friend. She would text and call me all the time, we were talking and things were going well.

 

Then everything happened....

 

(1) My first week back home, and she was upset I wasn't as productive as she wanted me to be to 'win her back'. And said I was spending too much time with family and friends, a cruel comment I thought considering how I spent so much time away from everyone.

 

In order to rationalize this, I called up her aunt (a psychologist) and we talked for 2 hours. Well, when she heard about this she broke up with me.

 

We reconciled a couple days later...but I noticed she dyed her hair the day after we ended it...

 

(2) This one is odd -- She apparently gets a text from me with my phone search history and finds out I had been watching adult content, something she was against and I told her I wasn't watching it. I lied, but in my mind it was normal for a guy who was away from his girlfriend for a month to view that. However, eventually I confessed and she broke up with me. She apparently harmed herself that night because of it and attempted to OD, and blamed it on me. (Personally, I think she hacked my logged in GMAIL account on her laptop)

 

And somehow...we reconciled again, this time however I was under heavy scrutiny, she wanted to know my every move. I felt so awful about everything that I complied.

 

(3) It had been a week since the second incident, and the scrutiny was dying down, but at a moment's notice with an argument and she would come close to self harm. I felt trapped. And on top of it, she was giving me mixed signals -- one day she knew she loved me and wanted to be with me, the next she doesn't know. It was really hard on me, I couldn't move on with my life because I was relying on coming back home to her.

 

THE END

 

- She flies out West to visit her sister at Uni, a trip she already had booked. We agreed to discuss our plans during her trip.

 

- While over there she signed with a big talent agency, and she says she has to move to this place now. A big life decision she didn't tell me about until casually mentioning it the next day, as if I had no factor in the decision.

 

- I ask her how she feels about all of this, and she says she still doesn't know what she wants and needs a few months, maybe a year to figure it out. And she wants me to live my life.

 

- Well to me, this sounds like a break up, but when I ask her to be straight forward, she says she doesn't want to make that decision, but that she

'needs me', and doesn't want it to end. I tell her I can't wait that long, and we need to discuss a realistic plan sooner or I have to move on.

 

- And she doesn't message me. I text, I call, and I try to get a hold of her for over an hour. No answer. I see she's on Facebook, I try to get a hold of her but she continues to ignore me. After a few hours, I get frustrated and break up with her over text, deleting her off everything and blocked her. I was so hurt after all this time to just be ignored. And I was not waiting that long for someone who 'didn't know what they want'.

 

The next day I texted her a nicer message, basically saying that I didn't like how it ended, that I wish her well, and that I hope she has success in her industry.

 

No reply.

 

Yesterday I forgot to delete her off one social media, and saw she was at a nightclub. It killed me, it had been 2 DAYS! I feel like I got played, but I'd like to hear some opinions on this mess of a relationship.

 

To add on this story, basically she finally messaged me a week later saying her friends 'took her phone', which is why she didn't reply to me sooner, which is bull**** because she was posting on social media. And she agrees with the decision, and wishes me the best.

 

During those days of silent treatment I would cry and sleep all day, it was horrible, and then to finally get a reply and be lied to again? I couldn't believe it.

 

We ended up having a long phone call a few days later, I insisted despite her trying to avoid it. I basically vented a bit and told her my side of the story, but she didn't have anything to say, but it ended on a decent note.

 

A few days later in a moment of weakness I call her up, she seems cheerful when she answers the phone. But when I told her I still loved her and that I wasn't sure we were doing the right thing, she becomes emotionless and almost seems annoyed that I would even say that. The call is short, I apologize for even calling and hang up. The point of the call was to question the decision, but to also get her to admit that she wanted to end it.

 

Well, the next day she texts me saying she doesn't like that I tried to make it sound like she decided to end it. I reply with a long-winded message, basically letting everything out on the table. She doesn't even reply.

 

A week later I text again asking about getting my items back, and she replies as if nothing had happened and tells me she shipped it. It's been a week and I haven't said a word to her since. I also saw a psychologist who after a lengthy session informed me that she almost certainly has histrionic personality disorder....the descriptions fit her perfectly.

 

But I am still left with questions.....was I being manipulated and used the whole time? Did she ever really love me? Why did she decide to let it end just a day after saying she loved me? How can she get over it so fast? Will I ever hear from her again? She told me she loved and missed me just a day or two before it ended.

 

 

 

I admit I wasn't perfect, but I gave up my life to be with her, moved out there, gave her all my time, complimented her daily, took her on dates every week, always supported her, danced with her, went out to dinner, I did everything I could think to do. Even in the bedroom, I had a high sex drive, good endowment and I kept it exciting, open minded, new, and focused on pleasuring her before myself. I thought I was doing all the right things to make her feel loved and taken care of every day.

 

 

 

So to just be tossed aside so easily, watching her move on so quickly and still lie about what happened...it leaves me feeling stunned...I feel like I didn't even know her, and that I was just a pawn being used until she didn't see a purpose for me anymore. Can anyone shine some light on this situation and how people with personality disorders function in relationships?

[ItIsNotMe]

I know your pain, dude... I also used to have a relationship with a girl with HPD (histrionic personality disorder). She has never had enough of my love and attention and she was always accusing me of not paying enough attention to her, even being rude with me which made me withrdaw. While I was reading your story, I felt as if I was reading my own...

 

I'm a medical student and I can tell you that the term "personality disorder" has replaced the old term "psychopathy" due its vulgar sounding among the people who aren't related to the medical studies. Yes, this kind of people used to be known as psychopaths.

 

This kind of people can't form and keep long term relationships because:

- they never have enough attention

- they never feel loved enough

- they need to be constantly approved. If you're like me - being sincere by telling her what you DON'T like, she would start crying, being rude or even aggressive to you. They can't accept not to be accepted

 

- they're prone to flirt and cheat. For the same reason - constant need of approval and feeling beautiful and wanted. You can do everything for her but it wouldn't really matter because as you alredy know - she has personality disorder.

 

- they're manipulative liars

- they're easily led on by someone who approves their behavior, thinking and actions. For example, you're honest to her and tell your sincere opinion about her but there is also another person (it doesn't matter if man or woman) who sees her bads but despite all he/she approves her actions. It's very common for HPD-people to start being closer to the other one than to you, being easily manipulated by them.

 

- lack of guilt

 

They can't really love anyone. The only thing that matters is how do they look in the other people's eyes. Example: I broke up with my ex-GF but 3 months later I still had feelings for her. I texted her and she texted back. She told me that she already has BF and she really loves him. Despite all, we continued texting as usual and during our conversation she even sent me a kiss emoticon. Hours later she came to my home and we had sex. I asked her to fix our problems and to renew our relationship but she told me that she wasn't certain about it. SHE ASKED ME IF SHE COULD CONTINUE DATING HIM FOR A COUPLE OF TIMES. I declined and offered her to drive her home, reamining silent about our 1 night affair. She declined and took the decision to be with me. 2 days later she told me that she still wants to try her chances with him. I got really frustrated so I told him about her cheating with me on him. And she started accusing me of being jerk, scumbag... Why did I do it? Why did I ruin everyting?

She tried to blame me for her decision to cheat. If she did love him, she wouldn't come to my home to suck my d*ck. If she did love me, she would stay with me and she would try her best to fix our problems. No. The only thing that she did love was the way we see her as a pretty woman.

 

I wrote all about my story for you just to understand that you have no guilt. This kind of people are unhealthy for themselves and all around them. They will always blame you about their faults, their unhappiness and everything. They will always be either depressed or abusive. They are prone to cheat and they have no morals and boundaries for not doing it.

Personality disorders are hard to reverse because they affect the person's value system so the best thing you can do is to stay away, happy and healthy.

 

Sorry for my bad English

[ExpatInItaly]

My ex-boyfriend also has a personality disorder. He is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

You would be best not to torment yourself wondering if she loved you, how she can move on so fast, how she functions in a relationship. You won't ever really be able to understand because you are wired differently from her. If she truly suffers a PD, this will follow her and influence her throughout her life. However, you may never know. A psychologist who has never met her cannot diagnose her, but only speculate.

 

Speaking from experience, your energy is better spent on healing and moving on. Accept that this wasn't going to work, but there is a happier and more peaceful life waiting for you. Without her.

[TheCanadianGuy94]

I'm a medical student and I can tell you that the term "personality disorder" has replaced the old term "psychopathy" due its vulgar sounding among the people who aren't related to the medical studies. Yes, this kind of people used to be known as psychopaths.

 

This kind of people can't form and keep long term relationships because:

- they never have enough attention

- they never feel loved enough

- they need to be constantly approved. If you're like me - being sincere by telling her what you DON'T like, she would start crying, being rude or even aggressive to you. They can't accept not to be accepted

 

- they're prone to flirt and cheat. For the same reason - constant need of approval and feeling beautiful and wanted. You can do everything for her but it wouldn't really matter because as you alredy know - she has personality disorder.

 

- they're manipulative liars

- they're easily led on by someone who approves their behavior, thinking and actions. For example, you're honest to her and tell your sincere opinion about her but there is also another person (it doesn't matter if man or woman) who sees her bads but despite all he/she approves her actions. It's very common for HPD-people to start being closer to the other one than to you, being easily manipulated by them.

 

- lack of guilt

 

They can't really love anyone. The only thing that matters is how do they look in the other people's eyes.

 

Wow. Very informative, thank you.

 

As much as I really wished she didn't have those traits and that we could have tried to be a healthy couple, it's also comforting to know that people like her are just not wired that way. Maybe she is capable of love and commitment? But I won't be able to know, I can't trust her, HPD excluded, she just lies too much.

 

I knew there was definitely something mentally off about her, but never knew the proper term. I just wrote it off as a combination of childhood trauma from her mother's passing, and growing up in theatre. But still, I had never seen anything like it in my life, she was worse than a small child, she craved attention at all times.

 

Another example, she was musically talented, and would get upset if I tried to read or write while she played piano in the living room because I should have been watching her the whole time. She literally couldn't understand that although I don't mind to watch her perform sometimes, that I also enjoy being able to just hangout in a room together and do our own thing from time to time. But it was like I was speaking a different language when I said that.

 

She tried to blame me for her decision to cheat. If she did love him, she wouldn't come to my home to suck my d*ck. If she did love me, she would stay with me and she would try her best to fix our problems. No. The only thing that she did love was the way we see her as a pretty woman.

 

That last line really made that story resonate with me, as much as I did love her, it didn't matter, my love was not nearly as important to her as her own self image, and what others thought.

[TheCanadianGuy94]

My ex-boyfriend also has a personality disorder. He is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

You would be best not to torment yourself wondering if she loved you, how she can move on so fast, how she functions in a relationship. You won't ever really be able to understand because you are wired differently from her. If she truly suffers a PD, this will follow her and influence her throughout her life. However, you may never know. A psychologist who has never met her cannot diagnose her, but only speculate.

 

Speaking from experience, your energy is better spent on healing and moving on. Accept that this wasn't going to work, but there is a happier and more peaceful life waiting for you. Without her.

True, she wasn't formally diagnosed as HPD to my knowledge, but it was the educated guess of a professional, and as someone who lived with her for several months, I felt the description was extremely accurate based on my research.

 

You're right, thankfully all those questions are fading as I keep rationalizing it over and over. I have slowly come to accept how little I do know about her. But in return I have learned that she is not good for me, and didn't have my best interest in heart. Which hurts...but as I said to the other poster, it does help me move on.

Edited May 26, 2017 by TheCanadianGuy94

[bluefeather]

This one hits a little too close to home, lol. Well, I'm sorry that you experienced that, but hopefully, you can learn a lot from this. Just reading the thread title, itself can bring insight: "I fell in love with someone with a personality disorder" - It seems like it was meant to focus on the other person, but look again, and see that the story is about you. You fell in love with someone with a personality disorder. Why? I think when you learn that, it will be the most important lesson you can gain from this experience.

Edited May 26, 2017 by bluefeather

[TheCanadianGuy94]

This one hits a little too close to home, lol. Well, I'm sorry that you experienced that, but hopefully, you can learn a lot from this. Just reading the thread title, itself can bring insight: "I fell in love with someone with a personality disorder" - It seems like it was meant to focus on the other person, but look again, and see that the story is about you. You fell in love with someone with a personality disorder. Why? I think when you learn that, it will be the most important lesson you can gain from this experience.

 

Well the post was mainly to gather opinions to help me understand the situation better, which by the way, has been very appreciated and helpful to those who have replied so far, great forum.

As for why I fell in love with someone with a personality disorder? Well, I've had the past month now to analyze it, and I've come up with a couple theories.

 

1) The relationship made me feel comfortable, warm, understood, and needed. It eased a deep routed anxiety inside myself, the worry of never finding someone. Which I know is probably silly for a 22 year old man to think about given how young I am, but it is a concern. Especially given how anti-relationship my generation is.

 

And I'll admit that it was nice to have someone around at all times to talk to about anything and everything, who I was completely comfortable with. It was like having a life teammate.

 

I knew early on that she was desperate for attention, but in the beginning I actually kinda liked that about her. I took it as infatuation with me as the person I am, it made me feel special, I thought I made her happy just being me. I didn't realize it was just because I was fulfilling her need of consistent attention and care. It didn't really matter who it was from.

 

At the time, being reassured of her love gave me a sense of value, and when it was taken away I felt worthless.

 

My identity was rooted in 'us', her and I, and it wasn't focused on my development as an individual, I sacrificed everything for her. So lately I've been trying to be more productive, to give myself the feeling of value from my own actions, and to not rely on getting that feeling from others.

2) The other option I considered was that my mother, although maybe not HPD, does have mental health issues. She refuses to see anyone about it so it's not diagnosed, but her behavior over the years has been far from healthy. But anyway, my mother and my girlfriend were both emotionally manipulative people, attention seeking, compulsive liars and controlling. So perhaps being raised by her made me subconsciously associate those traits with love?

 

It could be either reason, neither, or maybe even a combination of the two? Those are my theories anyway.

Edited May 26, 2017 by TheCanadianGuy94

[ItIsNotMe]

May be you just wanted to give her all the love and support that you have never received. To give her everything that no one has ever given to you

[duncsvoice]

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I let myself fall in love with my BPD ex (and your story rings true to mine, it was the best feeling EVER in the first few months, and we rushed in head first to move in...then the nightmare began).

 

I was massively depressed and lonely, couldn't buy a date, my ex lovebombed me and I was almost addicted to her.

 

Thankfully nowadays I'm in a safe, normal, calm, happy and loving relationship and I view my ex as a lost soul who will do the same damage to other people. It makes me sad to think that she can't truly love, her PD will destroy any attempts at it, but on the other hand it put me in the blackest of holes so I'm glad I'm well and truly out of it.

[mikeylo]

Some people are just great at showing a certain part of their personality first but the real , dark side does come up , albeit slowly. That is why the initial few months are always good till the real side shows its ugly head.

[bluefeather]

Bingo. CanadianGuy, I think you are right on the money with all of your bolded points. Well done, because it is a very hard realization to get to when going through relationships like this. I speak from experience as well as what I have read of others' stories. I hope you can continue to keep in mind what you have discovered, so that it may help you find a better and healthier relationship. But first, as you said, I would focus on giving yourself the feeling of value, so as to no longer be dependent on others for it. I believe that is part of what is called self-love. It is almost like learning a new way to love, because many times, we were not shown a healthy way to give love (to ourselves, and by consequence, to others) by those who raised us.

[4x4storm]

When I met my ex she straight up told me that she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She was the first girl I fell in love with but 1 month into the relationship I discovered there was something more sinister at play.

 

I just couldn't take it no more it wasn't until after the breakup I discovered BPD stories like the ones on this thread they all follow like a timeline exactly the same.

 

I'm still trying to heal from it but the best thing to do is realize this person was unwell and you are not the first guy for this to happen to. My ex had 4 offical boyfriends in just a 14 month peroid all within a month of each other and they are just the ones I knew about.

Edited May 27, 2017 by 4x4storm

[TheCanadianGuy94]

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I let myself fall in love with my BPD ex (and your story rings true to mine, it was the best feeling EVER in the first few months, and we rushed in head first to move in...then the nightmare began).

 

I was massively depressed and lonely, couldn't buy a date, my ex lovebombed me and I was almost addicted to her.

 

Thankfully nowadays I'm in a safe, normal, calm, happy and loving relationship and I view my ex as a lost soul who will do the same damage to other people. It makes me sad to think that she can't truly love, her PD will destroy any attempts at it, but on the other hand it put me in the blackest of holes so I'm glad I'm well and truly out of it.

I'm happy to hear that you are in a happy and loving relationship now, I hope to find that someday. I like that you can empathize with her situation, I too have realized that my ex will probably never find real love, and it's sad. I wish more than anything that she didn't have PD, but unfortunately that's the way it is. I genuinely wish her the best though, but like you said, she also put in one of my blackest holes, and I won't forget that.

[TheCanadianGuy94]

Some people are just great at showing a certain part of their personality first but the real , dark side does come up , albeit slowly. That is why the initial few months are always good till the real side shows its ugly head.

Very true, and that was something that I had known before but it still didn't prevent me from jumping into something serious with her. I expected some baggage to come out after the honeymoon phase was over, as we all have our issues, but I would have never expected that she had a personality disorder. But of course, that's life.

 

Bingo. CanadianGuy, I think you are right on the money with all of your bolded points. Well done, because it is a very hard realization to get to when going through relationships like this. I speak from experience as well as what I have read of others' stories. I hope you can continue to keep in mind what you have discovered, so that it may help you find a better and healthier relationship. But first, as you said, I would focus on giving yourself the feeling of value, so as to no longer be dependent on others for it. I believe that is part of what is called self-love. It is almost like learning a new way to love, because many times, we were not shown a healthy way to give love (to ourselves, and by consequence, to others) by those who raised us.

Yes, the self love has been very hard for me, it really is like a whole new kind of love, and I'm unfamiliar and inexperienced with it. But I'm trying to educate myself on it.

[TheCanadianGuy94]

When I met my ex she straight up told me that she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She was the first girl I fell in love with but 1 month into the relationship I discovered there was something more sinister at play.

 

I just couldn't take it no more it wasn't until after the breakup I discovered BPD stories like the ones on this thread they all follow like a timeline exactly the same.

 

I'm still trying to heal from it but the best thing to do is realize this person was unwell and you are not the first guy for this to happen to. My ex had 4 offical boyfriends in just a 14 month peroid all within a month of each other and they are just the ones I knew about.

Thankfully knowing that she is unwell helps me move on, but I'll admit that I still can't help but feel nostalgic for the good times, because the highs were so intense. But then I'm quickly reminded of who she really is and it leaves me with a very mixed feeling. Hoping with time I can better learn to separate the good times from her and appreciate them for what they were.

[Downtown]

The term "personality disorder" has replaced the old term "psychopathy" due its vulgar sounding among the people who aren't related to the medical studies. Yes, this kind of people used to be known as psychopaths.

My understanding, NotMe, is that the term "personality disorder" never replaced the term "psychopathy." On the contrary, of the ten specific PD categories, only one -- Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) -- includes psychopaths and sociopaths. This is true both for the American diagnostic manual (DSM-5) and the international diagnostic manual (ICD-10).

 

They can't really love anyone.

On the contrary, most people having a full-blown PD are capable of loving others. Yet, because they are emotionally stunted, they generally love in the immature way that a child is able to love. That immature love is insufficient to sustain a mature adult relationship, as any parent can tell you.

 

To be clear, all of the ten PDs are simply patterns of behavior that become dysfunctional only when the behavioral traits are too strong. Significantly, none of those traits include the expression "unable to love." Two of the ten PDs, however, include behavioral symptoms that, at strong levels, almost certainly would preclude the ability to love. It therefore is widely believed that people having full-blown Narcissistic PD or Antisocial PD are unable to love. But people suffering from only one of the other PDs (e.g., Histrionic or Borderline) are generally capable of love, albeit in an immature way.

 

Please note that I said suffering from "only one of the other PDs." The problem is that, because the psychiatric community created too many PD categories back in 1980, most people having one PD also have at least one other PD as well. And, with HPDers and BPDers, a large share of them also exhibit full-blown NPD or ASPD too. For the HPDers, a Colorado study reports that 35% of them also have NPD and 19% also have ASPD. (See Millon Inv. Book, 2008 at p. 230, Table 10.22.) For the BPDers, a large recent study reports that 39% of them also have NPD and 14% also have ASPD. (See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.)

 

This heavy overlapping of HPD and BPD with NPD and ASPD explains why these four PDs are grouped together in the diagnostic manual and referred to as the "Cluster B (Dramatic)" group. And it explains why the psychiatric community is now in the process of likely eliminating the HPD category -- combining it with the other 3 PDs.

 

I mention all this to explain why, if CanadianGuy's exGF really does have full-blown HPD, she likely is able to love very intensely (but immaturely) -- unless she also suffers from full-blown NPD or ASPD. Unfortunately, there is a good chance she also has one of those two disorders if she is an HPDer.

[Downtown]

Did she ever really love me?

CanadianGuy, that's the #1 question that abused partners want answered when they come stumbling out of a toxic relationship with an HPDer or BPDer. As I discussed above, she likely was able to love you very intensely -- albeit in an immature, childlike manner -- if your psychologist is correct about her having only Histrionic PD. The behavioral symptoms for that PD do not preclude the ability to love. Similarly, she should be capable of loving if she has HPD with co-occurring BPD.

 

Yet, because a large share of HPD sufferers have co-occurring full-blown NPD or ASPD, there is a good chance she was unable to love you. Hence, if your exGF is an HPDer having a co-occurring disorder, the important question is whether that second disorder is BPD (implying she can love) or, rather, is NPD or ASPD (implying she cannot love). I mention these 3 PDs because HPD heavily overlaps with the 3 of them. This is why they are grouped together and are called the "Cluster B" PDs.

 

I note that, so far at least, you have not been describing a strong pattern of NPD or ASPD traits. Apparently your psychologist agrees or he would have mentioned one of these two PDs in addition to the HPD. Hence, there may be a good chance she does not have a second PD or, if she does, it is BPD. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Why did she decide to let it end just a day after saying she loved me? How can she get over it so fast?

If she is a HPDer who also has full-blown NPD or ASPD, the answer is that she never loved you and thus had nothing to recover from. Alternatively, if HPD is her only PD, or if she has both HPD and BPD, she likely did love you and is just delaying the pain and sadness to a later date. Both BPDers and HPDers accomplish that delay by "splitting off" the love they have for you, putting the love feelings entirely out of reach of their conscious minds.

 

In this way, a BPDer or HPDer can suddenly be completely out of touch with their loving feelings. It is done so quickly it seems like she is flipping a switch. This occurs because the person is so emotionally immature that she cannot handle being consciously aware of two strong conflicting feelings about a partner (e.g., love and hate) at the same time.

 

This splitting behavior will be seen many times a day in the behavior of a young child. She will love and adore Daddy when he's bringing out the toys but, in an instant, she will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away. Importantly, the child's love for Daddy does not vanish from her mind but, rather, is simply moved to where her conscious mind is out of touch with it.

[TheCanadianGuy94]

CanadianGuy, that's the #1 question that abused partners want answered when they come stumbling out of a toxic relationship with an HPDer or BPDer. As I discussed above, she likely was able to love you very intensely -- albeit in an immature, childlike manner -- if your psychologist is correct about her having only Histrionic PD. The behavioral symptoms for that PD do not preclude the ability to love. Similarly, she should be capable of loving if she has HPD with co-occurring BPD.

 

Yet, because a large share of HPD sufferers have co-occurring full-blown NPD or ASPD, there is a good chance she was unable to love you. Hence, if your exGF is an HPDer having a co-occurring disorder, the important question is whether that second disorder is BPD (implying she can love) or, rather, is NPD or ASPD (implying she cannot love). I mention these 3 PDs because HPD heavily overlaps with the 3 of them. This is why they are grouped together and are called the "Cluster B" PDs.

 

I note that, so far at least, you have not been describing a strong pattern of NPD or ASPD traits. Apparently your psychologist agrees or he would have mentioned one of these two PDs in addition to the HPD. Hence, there may be a good chance she does not have a second PD or, if she does, it is BPD. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

If she is a HPDer who also has full-blown NPD or ASPD, the answer is that she never loved you and thus had nothing to recover from. Alternatively, if HPD is her only PD, or if she has both HPD and BPD, she likely did love you and is just delaying the pain and sadness to a later date. Both BPDers and HPDers accomplish that delay by "splitting off" the love they have for you, putting the love feelings entirely out of reach of their conscious minds.

 

In this way, a BPDer or HPDer can suddenly be completely out of touch with their loving feelings. It is done so quickly it seems like she is flipping a switch. This occurs because the person is so emotionally immature that she cannot handle being consciously aware of two strong conflicting feelings about a partner (e.g., love and hate) at the same time.

 

This splitting behavior will be seen many times a day in the behavior of a young child. She will love and adore Daddy when he's bringing out the toys but, in an instant, she will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away. Importantly, the child's love for Daddy does not vanish from her mind but, rather, is simply moved to where her conscious mind is out of touch with it.

 

Wow, you were right on the money.

 

To be more precise, my psychologist said she displayed traits of Cluster B personality types, he mentioned especially histrionic, but didn't rule out the others. However in the past few weeks I've done my own research, and of course this is just my opinion having dated and lived with her for 5 months, but I believe she only clearly displays HPD and BPD traits. I'm not discounting NPD or ASPD, as she did have some traits of both, but they weren't as severe as her HPD and BPD traits.

 

 

• 1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor comment or infraction; Yes. I can think of countless examples, but the first one that came to mind was how I wasn't allowed to fall asleep unless she was already asleep herself. If I ever fell asleep early, even by accident, her reaction would range from being pissed off and upset with me, to having a panic attack. She said it wasn't "fair" if I could fall asleep and she couldn't. She thought if I really cared about her that I would fight sleep whenever she couldn't sleep herself and stay up with her all night.
  
  
• 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;" Not really.
  
• 3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members; She was really bad with this, she discouraged me from seeing friends and family.If I wanted to see a friend, she would complain, if I wanted to see family, she would voice her support, only for her actions to speak otherwise (get very jealous of my attention shifting to them).
  
  
• 4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude (e.g., not appreciating all the 3-hour trips you made to see her for two years) and a double standard ; Oh my god yes. I said goodbye to my friends and family, packed up all my belongings and left everything to move away with her. But she was never able to empathize with me on how difficult that was, and she told me before that it was 'in the past' and didn't matter anymore.
  
• 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells; I guess so, maybe not the adoring and devaluing consistently, but I did often feel like I was walking on eggshells. I felt like she was watching my every move for a slip up.
  
• 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later; Yes,she was very sensitive.
  
• 7. Low self esteem; Extremely.
  
• 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums or cold sulking that typically start in seconds and last several hours; Yes, but more so the last sentence, she wasn't verbally abusive or aggressive often, but she did have her moments.
  
• 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans; Literally a strong 'yes' to all those traits.
  
• 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune; Yes.
  
• 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending); Strong yes.
  
• 12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well; Also a strong yes.
  
• 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;" Yes. She basically was my 'soul mate' early on, until her real self began to arise gradually over time.
  
• 14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months; Yes, she wanted me to make life decisions for her. Even when discussing the break up, she wanted me to make her decision for her.
  
• 15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing; Again yes. If she was stressed or upset about anything I had to solve it.
  
• 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away); Yes, she had quantity but not quality in regards to friends. Many 'friends', but none of them were seriously close friends with her.
  
• 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and I noticed this all the time, I thought it was because she's an actor.
  
• 18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence. A million times yes.
  

Speaking of her, I can finally go NC now. After having her removed from my social media, I was able to delete her number the other day. I would have done so much sooner, but arranging to get the rest of my belongings from her was a challenge.

 

- After I texted her a long message about still caring for her, I got no reply for weeks. I followed up with a text about getting the rest of my belongings back. To my surprise, she answered my text as if my message about my feelings was never sent. And to top it off, not only was she actually responding to my messages when I asked her about my stuff, but she even seemed happy to help and offering to do it all herself.

 

- I asked her if I could have a friend come pick up my stuff, or pay her to mail it. But she insisted on doing it herself. This was like a Monday, and she said she'd mail it Wednesday.

 

- A week later I text her about it, and she said she didn't send it because she was busy. And promises to send it Friday. On Saturday I ask her about it, and she says it was sent.

 

- Over a week later, I get a text from her saying the package had ended up at her house and she was wondering if I had sent it back. I immediately felt strongly that this was a lie. Especially because she wouldn't give me the tracking number, or tell me that carrier. She offered to send it again, and even offered to drop it off to my friend's home when I suggested I pay one of them to cab over to get it. But I turned down the offer for obvious reasons. And thankfully, I was able to arrange a time for my friend to pick up my stuff safely.

 

But what struck me as odd was how casual she was about it, in fact, all of her replies were very enthusiastic and excited, as if we were friends planning a vacation. And she kept insisting on doing favors for me, and I noticed that she repeatedly mentioned how she would wrap up all my things nicely for me.

 

One day she even tried to turn it into a conversation by texting me something along the lines of...

"Yeah, I'll wrap those up for you! Also, my friend was recently cast as the younger version of (X) in a flashback scene for (X) movie!! I thought you'd find that pretty cool!"

(The x's being one of my favorite actors, and an upcoming film)

 

I didn't even reply. I made sure that my replies were not personal, they were all short and to the point. I would only talk about the details regarding my stuff. But I am curious as to why she was acting so personable and 'nice'? She has nothing to gain, we're broken up and far away. Perhaps she just wants to be seen as a good person? Any idea to explain that behavior?

[ExpatInItaly]

My BPD ex-boyfriend would do anything to have people think he's a great man, including being the "good guy" after treating me like horse manure. He tries very hard to control what people think of him. It's part of his need to be adored and not have anyone criticize him. He cannot handle criticism, and loses his mind when he thinks people might say something bad about him.

 

Thus, he too attempted to be "buddies" with me after we finally split. I think it drove him nuts to imagine that I might genuinely not like him, but not because of his feelings for me - but his feelings for himself. Trying to be friendly and jokey was, I believe, his way of continuing the narrative that he's a great guy that everyone likes. It had very little to do with me.

[Downtown]

I am curious as to why she was acting so personable and 'nice'? ...Perhaps she just wants to be seen as a good person?

Perhaps so, CanadianGuy. I agree with ExPat that -- if your exGF has strong BPD traits as you believe -- she likely has a strong need to control what other people think of her. Like narcissists, BPDers have such a weak self identity that they seek out frequent validation of their false self image. Whereas that false image is being "Special" for narcissists, it typically is being "The Victim" for BPDers.

 

Moreover, I note that most BPDers usually are genuinely nice, caring, and personable. Like young children, their problem is not being bad but, rather, being emotionally unstable. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

What is surprising, then, is not that your exGF is behaving nice and personable but, instead, that she is doing so AFTER the final breakup. Typically what happens after the breakup is that the BPDer splits her exBF black and says awful things about him -- as your exGF has done with regard to both of her exBFs (those before you). This splitting occurs because the exBF's walking away triggers the BPDer's great fear of abandonment.

 

Hence, because this anger apparently is no longer there and her abandonment fear was not triggered, it seems that your exGF was wanting to abandon you when she realized that the big talent agency out West had decided to represent her and find acting jobs for her. As you stated earlier, you suspected that she was trying to dump you without appearing to be the bad guy. She wanted to be able to blame you for the final breakup and thus remain "The Victim."

 

Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people.... I noticed this all the time, I thought it was because she's an actor.

Because BPDers never had the opportunity to develop a strong sense of self identity in early childhood, they tend to mirror the personalities of people they meet. Unlike narcissists, they don't do this to manipulate people but, rather, to fit in and be accepted. One result is that they generally are very comfortable around a wide variety of people. Another result is that, following a breakup, it is fairly common for a well-heeled exBF to feel insulted and stupefied on hearing that his BPDer exGF is now hanging out with a black-leather biker or a heavily tattooed drummer in a band.

 

A third result is that, because high-functioning BPDers have spent a lifetime emulating other peoples' personalities so as to fit in, it seems that many of them can become excellent actors. I've not seen any convincing studies or statistics on this issue but, if you Google "famous actors having BPD," you will many (unsubstantiated) lists of celebrities and numerous anecdotal claims.

[Mumbles]

Without derailing or hijacking this thread, just wanted to say a big thanks to both the OP and several of the well informed respondents.

 

As a non professional, I had previously self diagnosed my wife with ADHD, but, as time went on, I found it increasingly difficult to shoe horn her responses to external stimuli into this neat little package. Reading the OP really ticked boxes in my mind and had led me to do a lot of research on cluster-b disorders.

 

Its been enlightening to say the least and I've had several 'aha' moments throughout the last week.

 

Thanks again.

[Downtown]

As a non professional, I had previously self diagnosed my wife with ADHD, but, as time went on, I found it increasingly difficult to shoe horn her responses to external stimuli into this neat little package. Reading the OP really ticked boxes in my mind and had led me to do a lot of research on cluster-b disorders.

Mumbles, some members of the psychiatric community suspect that adult ADHD may be a subset of BPD, not a distinct disorder. See, e.g., 2006 Study and 25% of BPDers Have ADHD. Similar studies are cited in BPD or ADHD?

 

Most psychologists, however, view them as separate disorders even though they share a few common symptoms (e.g., impulsivity and emotional dysregulation). Whereas trauma is believed to play an important role in the development of BPD, little research has been done to find an association between ADHD and childhood trauma. Instead, that research has focused on the heritability of ADHD, which is believed to be one of the most heritable mental disorders (studies estimate its heritability to be as high as 80%).

[TheCanadianGuy94]

Perhaps so, CanadianGuy. I agree with ExPat that -- if your exGF has strong BPD traits as you believe -- she likely has a strong need to control what other people think of her. Like narcissists, BPDers have such a weak self identity that they seek out frequent validation of their false self image. Whereas that false image is being "Special" for narcissists, it typically is being "The Victim" for BPDers.

 

Moreover, I note that most BPDers usually are genuinely nice, caring, and personable. Like young children, their problem is not being bad but, rather, being emotionally unstable. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

What is surprising, then, is not that your exGF is behaving nice and personable but, instead, that she is doing so AFTER the final breakup. Typically what happens after the breakup is that the BPDer splits her exBF black and says awful things about him -- as your exGF has done with regard to both of her exBFs (those before you). This splitting occurs because the exBF's walking away triggers the BPDer's great fear of abandonment.

 

Hence, because this anger apparently is no longer there and her abandonment fear was not triggered, it seems that your exGF was wanting to abandon you when she realized that the big talent agency out West had decided to represent her and find acting jobs for her. As you stated earlier, you suspected that she was trying to dump you without appearing to be the bad guy. She wanted to be able to blame you for the final breakup and thus remain "The Victim."

 

Because BPDers never had the opportunity to develop a strong sense of self identity in early childhood, they tend to mirror the personalities of people they meet. Unlike narcissists, they don't do this to manipulate people but, rather, to fit in and be accepted. One result is that they generally are very comfortable around a wide variety of people. Another result is that, following a breakup, it is fairly common for a well-heeled exBF to feel insulted and stupefied on hearing that his BPDer exGF is now hanging out with a black-leather biker or a heavily tattooed drummer in a band.

 

A third result is that, because high-functioning BPDers have spent a lifetime emulating other peoples' personalities so as to fit in, it seems that many of them can become excellent actors. I've not seen any convincing studies or statistics on this issue but, if you Google "famous actors having BPD," you will many (unsubstantiated) lists of celebrities and numerous anecdotal claims.

After learning all I have recently about HPD and BPD from my psychologist, yourself and other sources, I tried to put my situation in chronological order. I did this in order to figure out, step by step, what happened and make sense of it all. Does this sound right to you? Because to me it all seems to.

 

Before Dating - Her parents were not very affectionate, and pretty judgmental of her. This is likely what planted the seed for her PD. And after growing up with a mother with terminal cancer, she begins to live with the fear of losing a parent. Once her mother passed away, the loneliness and fear of losing people close to her became extremely powerful. She jumped from relationships to hook ups during her teens and early adulthood, always searching for something or someone to make her feel good. In acting, she had a career that came with highs that fed her HPD, but also frequent lows that made her crave the attention and success.

(Month 1) Early infatuation - As per the cycle of her love life, she saw me as a target to fulfill her need of love, validation and attention, and to ease her fear of abandonment and loneliness. In order to win me over she manipulated me into falling for her by mirroring my personality and interests.

(Month 2-4) The Mask Fades - Over time her traits become more pronounced as she uses less effort to cover them up. She starts becoming dependent on me, losing me would result in her intense fear of abandonment and possibly a blow to her ego, so her intense jealousy and lack of trust drives her to control and monitor me. She wants to spend every second with me, and begin to pull me away from everyone.

(Month 4) The Split - All of our time together begins to induce her fear of suffocation, and she decides to break up with me. But when she sees me getting ready to leave, this now triggers her fear of abandonment, leaving her conflicted and regretting her decision.

 

First incident is when I spoke to her aunt about our relationship and "broke her trust". So she becomes volatile, paints me black, breaks up with me, and does something impulsive, in my case, she dyed her hair the next day.

 

But....when I came back to her a couple days later, her fear of abandonment is still there, and she takes an ego boost from me wanting her back, so she changes her mind.

 

Second incident is when she finds out I had been viewing adult content. However, it seems extremely likely she found this information out by logging into my Gmail on her old laptop. Which if true, was likely fueled by a lack of trust and need for control. But, even given the benefit of doubt, she still decides to now paint me black over it. Because now I've broken her trust, and made her feel more insecure. Despite the irony of how she likely got the information.

 

However the fear of abandonment is still there, so she can't quite let go of me yet, but she is also angry and wants to punish me. So her solution is to use this as an excuse to be even more controlling, and emotionally abusive. This is especially clear by her blaming me for her own self harm, victimizing herself, accusing me of not loving her anymore, and using it to make me feel bad and control me.

 

After this she begins to have conflicting emotions, and displays push/pull behavior. One day she loves and misses me, the next she doesn't know what she wants. But eventually she begins to lean towards wanting to be with me, probably because she was lonely. But once she visited her sister in a new part of the country with exciting job opportunities, she's no longer lonely and in fact gets a huge ego boost from the whole experience.

 

When she thought of me, all of this new life changing information must have drawn in conflicting emotions, and because she couldn't make up her mind, she emotionally detached herself from the situation. Like a child, she simply ignores the problem.

 

By now she's feeling better about herself, and wants to break up, she doesn't need me anymore to feel good. But she wants to appear like the victim, to not appear like she abandoned me (which she did) and have me do it.

 

Third incident - I break up with her, which relieves her of the pressure of doing it herself, while also fulfilling her self-fulfilling prophecy of abandonment. She then uses the silent treatment to avoid the situation and probably to punish me for being the one to pull the trigger. Even though that's what she wanted. Until she finally felt ready to communicate with me, which of course was filled with lies in order to protect her image.

 

And lastly, like you said, she was probably nice to me in the end in order to have me think she's a good person, or to at least appear that way to anyone inquiring about the situation. And this also explains why in the end she painted me white, because she decided on the break up before I ever did it.

Edited June 3, 2017 by TheCanadianGuy94

[ExpatInItaly]

For what it's worth, OP, I know that my BPD ex is now married and the same chaos has followed him into his marriage. (A good friend of mine is friends with his sister, and I hear the odd update) All I can say is that I am not surprised, and I am not one bit envious. Quite the opposite: I'm very grateful I left when I did.

 

If someone really does suffer from a PD, it will be a lifelong struggle - especially if the person in question is not in treatment. That's how they are wired and it doesn't tend to get better over time without serious and sustained therapy. Let this girl be someone else's problem now. It's not worth the additional emotional toll it would have taken on you.

[Downtown]

Does this sound right to you? Because to me it all seems to.

Yes, that explanation of events sounds plausible to me, CanadianGuy. But you are in the best position to judge what actually happened. You are the only person who watched it all unfold.