has anyone been through something like this?

[wannanewlife31]

Found out almost 2 years ago my husband was doing porn on internet and burnt cds since high school. How I found out was horrible.

 

When I met my husband I was not as wild as I was when I was younger I am now 32 I traveled a lot with my job and I just enjoyed finally a single life and was very happy with myself and where I was in my life. I then got a call from my mother and father (which I regret listening to) but she went on and on about how she was worried I was not going to be with men anymore and blah blah. To pray for a husband (she is not even religious) but anyway I met my husband the next day (did my mothers phone call had something to do with it?) I will never know

 

 

I met my husband and fell in love with the sweet man I thought to know and well lets just say I was not a prude and not afraid to show wild side of me. But one day I was cleaning up for him just what you do I guess when you are in love and I found a box full of porn , I was like well I never saw a box full that’s a lot and well I said that’s strange but at the same time I was not taken aback (does this make sense?) so anyway I said something to him in a joking manner and he said that he adopted the box from his Fraternity and that when he left that year he was the one to take the box (sounded good at the time) So anyway I was changing jobs after sept 11th and we were dating for a while and I moved in with him you can say but still had my own place we were getting serious. I found a job that was near our places and I forgot something at his place and had to run back upstairs before leaving for the new job. I then opened the door to hear the noises you hear in porn. I was in shock why? maybe because the box and then seeing him at 8 am and doing you know what to porn was just to much for me at that point and was not used to that extreme of a behavior but I will tell you the truth and the truth is I did not even think my lord what is he doing I was thinking well "I HAVE BEEN UNDER SO MUCH STRESS FINDING A NEW JOB DUE TO ME NOT WANTING TO TRAVEL SO MUCH SEPT 11TTH HAPPENED AND I LOST MY UNCLE AND COUSIN AND I JUST THOUGHT WELL I HAVE NO SEX DRIVE SO MAYBE HE NEEDS SOME"

 

 

 

Well in a million years I would never have thought I would have thought that way. Well that happened twice. Then I saw something like a website opened after that after marriage and I was pregnant but then I never saw anything again for awhile.

 

I Then found out about some debt prior to getting married forgot that one and he just said he partied a lot during college and was paying it off so he was had a great job so what business of it was mine he was paying it. I just wanted to make sure he was paying for it to get into to much of why I was not there yet I did not need to know since I did not know he had a problem.

 

I guess later on something was really pulling at me maybe call it intuition or maybe call it something is wrong. He was traveling like 5 days out of the week. He was acting weird. I was sop upset that he was gone for so long and I just had enough I started fights I was pissed and I was a tough ass and I was angry ( by the way I fail to tell you sooner that he had a freak for a mother and weirdo for a father and he was just plain weird family was driving me nuts) so I had a lot of stress with his mother and I finally gave him the last straw if he was to stick around he had to do something about his mother. So I assumed that the stress I was feeling for awhile was due to the stress him family was putting us through.

 

We went to therapy and I brought up the porno and then he sort of manipulated the whole thing and then the therapist thought he had low self esteem and that he needed more organization in his life so she thought her partner was great for this and she was sending him to see her for this problem. Well Mr. boy next door was able to find some sort of tie with this women (by the way my husband is a great liar and he looks like a teddy bear and manipulates you to think he does nothing wrong) so she finds out his dad drank for 20 something years and he is sober now and sees her in him because her father drank and so she takes his side and when we sat in a room all together began attacking me in the room and then told Steve I was crazy.

 

So he said to me well she thinks you’re crazy. So I said that’s fine. I then went nuts since I was told I was I lost my mind I just could not take it anymore I said something is just wrong so I found another therapist and she heard me and said have you heard of Sex addiction?

 

I said what? So she explained it to me I just listened and thought about it. I went to his lap top since he says he can’t use his lap top due to his job I just thought I would not find anything. I did he was at a bbq in our neighborhood block party type of thing.

 

I stayed home due to being crazy (joking) I just did not want to go out. So I found all this crap and I called him. I said come home I then told him what I found he said that was old he was cleaning the computer memory well I said I was not going to fight him at this moment. I went back to therapy told her and she set me straight. Things got bad. I just lost it. I went to Atlanta with him and my son my son was 1 year old at the time. I was really sick I just felt so much stress but I had pains in my lower belly. We were driving back from Atlanta and I said I have to go to the urgent care something is wrong with me.

 

I then said well I don’t have my cell phone and I speak to my mother everyday (I am an only child ) so I saw there was messages I checked it just in case she called and this women said hello Stephen this is so and so and the check you gave me bounced. So he said let me hear and he erased it but let me tell you that I don’t know what the hell I was thinking I just said who was that but I was in so much pain I just cant remember why I did not go after him so more about it at the time. I then went to the Dr and I had a severe OBGYN infection had to get antibiotics.

 

I went to the hospital before this trip and they did a test on me and it supposal came back positive for an STD I freaked out and I found that out when I got back and I was like what the hell is going on . So with all that I got home from being tested again and they said that was negative but I had this and that and that was so high up in my fallopian tubes that I probably would have trouble having children. That day I came home and my husband was not home as of yet he was stuck at the airport coming from Mexico on a trip. I then said on the cell phone he needed to get his a& (& (& home or else.

 

So there he was at the steps of my staircase and he broke down to tell me that he went to strip bars and took out a book on sex addiction that his father gave him when he left his home after college and I just went number after that I stopped listening and I just fell apart inside but was numb I did not cry or yell I just went upstairs to my office and I just looked at all my photos and thought that it all was a lie.

 

He told me he thought the girl that was a stripper gave him something due to the fact she had no underwear on. (Don’t think for one moment I believed him) I just thought this guy lost him mind. Boy I know strippers first off they don’t take checks (yes he said that phone call was from a stripper you should have heard the story on that one) then I said you don’t get STD that way.

 

So I said come back to me with the real story and then lets talk so I got the real story he went to massage parlors before I met him and he went once during our marriage ( I cant prove if it was more then once at this point) he then got caught.

 

my life was turned around I thought pastors could help us God could help us ( I don’t think anyone can this is not like drinking you cant smell it on him its not like drugs you cant see if his eyes are dilated) I just lost it I then one night just was to calm and I said to him that he had to leave he said why if I am going to a sex addiction meeting and he threw pants at me and said why don’t you go to a meeting he threw pants at me from upstairs so I said oh no you did not ( so while he was being stupid I took the keys off his key chain) I then called a 24 hour locksmith had the doors lock changed and he came home not being able to get in.

 

He rang the door bell and I finally opened it said you will wake up the baby and he then started to get arrogant and I then said if he did not stop I was calling the cops. So I did and there they are and I said he was trying to get in he told them the WHOLE STORY THEY WERE LIKE YOUR NUTS MAN!

 

I mean it was like an episode from cops I AM A SEX ADDICT I WENT TO MY FIRST MEETING AND BLAH BLAH BLAH they took him away.

 

So he was in jail his dad took him out I was like pissed off why did you let him out? That one I did not forgive for a long time. now with this whole thing happening I really went numb I left for NYC I stopped all credit cards that had my name on it and I closed accounts and made sure he could not use our accounts left him here with hidden money in areas so that if he needed it he could call me and I told him where to find it.

 

I left him alone for thanksgiving through the New Year alone.

 

I made him leave and stay with his friend 1 hour away but 2 hours when driving back and fourth to see our son. I just was not going back but my mom wanted me to try and see what I could save ( nuts ) So I did I tried and he says he has been sober for 1 1/2 years but ( don’t believe him) I don’t have proof just guts telling me.

 

I am planning on leaving him I am checked out emotionally and just looking forward to a new life. I have two kids with him.

 

Anyone have anything to say about this story I left out a lot to much to write.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

found out almost 2 years ago my husband was doing porn on internet and burnt cds since highschool. how i found out was horrible.

 

When i met my husband i was not as wild as i was when i was younger i am now 32 I traveled a lot with my job and i just enjoyed finally a single life and was very happy with myself and where i was in my life. I then got a call from my mother and father ( which i regret listening to) But she went on and on about how she was worried i was not going to be with men anymore and blah blah. To pray for a husband (she is not even religous) but anyway i met my husband the next day (did my mothers phone call had something to do with it ?) i will never know

 

 

I met my husband and fell in love with the sweet man i thought to know and well lets just say i was not a prude and not afraid to show wild side of me. But oneday i was cleaning up for him just what you do i guess when you are in love and i found a box full of porn , i was like well i never saw a box full thats a lot and well i said thats strange but at the same time i was not taken aback (does this make sense?) so anyway i said something to him in a joking manner and he said that he adopted the box from his Faternity and that when he left that year he was the one to take the box (sounded good at the time) So anyway i was changing jobs after sept 11th and we were dating for a while and i moved in with him you can say but still had my own place we were getting serious. i foudn a job that was near our places and i forgot somethign at his place and had to run back upstairs before leaving for the new job. I then opened the door to hear the noises you hear in porn. I was in shock why? maybe because the box and then seeing him at 8 am and doing you know what to porn was just to much for me at that point and iwas not used to that extreme of a behavior but i will tell you the truth and the truth is i did not even think my lord what is he doing i was thinking well "I HAVE BEEN UNDER SO MUCH STRESS FINDING A NEW JOB DUE TO ME NOT WANTING TO TRAVEL SO MUCH SEPT 11TTH HAPPENED AND I LOST MY UNCLE AND COUSIN AND I JUST THOUGHT WELL I HAVE NO SEX DRIVE SO MAYBE HE NEEDS SOME"

 

 

 

Well in a million years I would never have thought i would have thought that way. Well that happened twice. Then i saw something like a websight opened after that after marriage and i was pregnant but then i never saw anything again for awhile.

 

I Then found out about some debt prior to getting married forgot that one and he jsut siad he partied a lot during college and was paying it off so he was had a great job so what business of it was mine he was paying it. I just wanted to make sure he was paying for it to get into to much of why i was not there yet i did not need to knwo since i did not know he had a problem.

 

I guess later on somethign was really pulling at me maybe call it intuition or maybe call it something is wrong. He was travleing like 5 days out of the week. He was acting wierd. I was sop upset that he was gone for so long and i just had enough i started fights i was pissed and i was a tough ass and i was angry ( by the way i fail to tell you sooner that he had a freak for a mother and wierdo for a father and he was just plain wierd family was driving me nuts) so i had a lot of stress with his mother and i finally gave him the last straw if he was to stick around he had to do somethign about his mother. So I assumed that the stress i was feeling for awhile was due to the stress him family was putting us through.

 

We went to therapy and i brought up the porno and then he sort of minipulated the whole thing and then the therapist thought he had low self esteem and that he needed more organization in his life so she thought her partner was great for this and she was sending him to see her for this problem. Well Mr boy next door was able to find some sort of tie with this women ( by the way my husband is a great liar and he looks like a teddy bear and minipluates you to think he does nothing wrong) so she finds out his dad drank for 20 something years and he is sober now and sees her in him becuase her father drank and so she takes his side and when we sat in a room all together began attacking me in the room and then told steve i was crazy.

 

So he said to me well she thinks your crazy. So i said thats fine. I then went nuts since i was told i was i lost my mind i just could not take it anymore i said something is just wrong so i found another therapist and she heard me and said have you heard of Sex addiction?

 

I said what? So she explained it to me i just listened and thought about it. I went tp his lap top since he says he cant use his lap top due to his job i just thought i would not find anything. I did he was at a bbq in our neighborhood block party type of thing.

 

i stayed home due to being crazy ( joking ) i just did not want to go out. So i found all this crap and i called him. I said come home i then told him what i found he said that was old he was cleaning the computer memory well i said i was not going to fight him at this moment. i went back to therapy told her and she set me straight. things got bad. I just lost it. I went to Atlanta with him and my son my sonwas 1 year old at the time. I was really sick i just felt so much stress but i had pains in my lower belly. we were driving back from Atalanta and i said i have to go to the urgent care somethign is wrong with me.

 

I then said well i dont have my cell phone and i speak to my mother everyday (I am an only child ) so i saw there was messages i checked it just in case she called and this wome said hello Stephen this is so and so and the check you gave me bounced. So he said let me hear and he erased it but let me tellyou that i dont knwo what the hell i was thinking i just said who was that but i was in so much pain i just cant remember why i did not go after him so more about it at the time. i then went to the Dr and i had a severe OBGYN infection had to get antibotics.

 

I went to the hospital before this trip and they did a test on me and it supposly came back postive for an STD i freaked out and i found that out when i got back and i was like what the hell is going on . So with all that i got home from being tested again and they said that was negative but i had this and that and that was so high up in my falopin tubes that i probably would have trouble having children. That day i came home and my husband was not home as of yet he was stuck at the airport coming from Mexico on a trip. I then said on the cell phone he needed to get his a&(&(& home or else.

 

So there he was at the steps of my staircase and he broke down to tell me that he went to strip bars and took out a book on sex addiction that his father gave him when he left his home after college and i just went numbe after that i stopped listening and i just fell apart inside but was numb i did not cry or yell i just went upstairs to my office and i just looked at all my photos and thought that it all was a lie.

 

He told me he thought the girl that was a stripper gave him somethign due to the fact she had no underwear on. ( dont think for one moment i believed him) i just thought this guy lost him mind. Boy i know strippers first off they dont take checks(yes he said that phone call was from a stripper you should of heard the story on that one) Then i said you dont get STD that way.

 

So i said come back to me with the real story and then lets talk so i got the real story he went to massage parlors before i met him and he went once during our marriage ( i cant prove if it was more then once at this point) he then got caught.

 

my life was turned around i thought pastors could help us God could help us ( i dont think anyone can this is not like drinking you cant smell it on him its not like drugs you cant see if his eyes are dilated) I jsut lost it i then onenight just was to calm and i said to him that he had to leave he said why if i am going to a sex addiction meeting and he threw pants at me and said why dont you go to a meeting he threw pants at me from upstairs so i said oh no you did not ( so while he was being stupid i took the keys off his key chain) i then called a 24 hour locksmith had the doors lock changed and he came home not being able to get in.

 

He rang the door bell and i finally opened it said you will wake up the baby and he then started to get arrogant and i then said if he did not stop i was calling the cops. So i did and there there they are and i said he was trying to get in he told them the WHOLE STORY THEY WERE LIKE YOUR NUTS MAN!

 

I mean it was like an episode from cops I AM A SEX ADDICT I WENT TO MY FIRST MEETING AND BLAH BLAH BLAH they took him away.

 

So he was in jail his dad took him out i was like pissed off why did you let him out? that one i did not forgive for a long time. now with this whole thing happening i really went numb i left for NYC I stopped all credit cards that had my name on it and i closed accounts and made sure he coudl not use our accounts left him here with hidden money in areas so that if he needed it he coudl call me and i told him where to find it.

 

I left him alone for thanksgiving through the new year alone.

 

I made him leave and stay with his friend 1 hour away but 2 hours when driving back and fourth to see our son. I just was not going back but my mom wanted me to try and see what i could save ( nuts ) So i did i tried and he has supposly been sober for 1 1/2 years but ( dont belive him) i dont have proof just guts telling me.

 

I am planning on leaving him I am checked out emotionally and just looking foward to a new life. I have two kids with him.

 

anyone have anything to say about this story i left out a lot to much to write.

[ollydolly]

Leave the bastard - what a disrespectful piece of human scum! He gave you an STD!!! That is not a husband - it's a liability.

[wannanewlife31]

I like straight to the point and i like that you agree i needed that. i am in the process of breaking free. I am mourning a man i thought i new and its a very ugly process but i will be a stronger person and healhier at the end. This should not be done to anyone at all.

[wannanewlife31]

that is a curiable but damaging std thank God i am cured just to let you know so you dont think i have it still lol. Thank God

[smile95]

I know how horrible it must have felt to find all of this out. It is easy to doubt everything after such a thing. I am sure that he loves you, but you really cannot stay with someone who is addicted to sex(with others).I am glad you are being strong and I hope that you do leave him. You deserve so much more.

[wannanewlife31]

I know i really do deserve more its sad now seeing so much of this around i grew up in Manhattan NYC and i saw this stuff but never knew there was an addiction it never concerned me i knew there were perves but this is nuts

 

He has been sober for 1 1/2 but trully i dont know , he lies about stuff not with sex addiction just stupid stuff he is not all up there to have done this in the first place

 

you should see his mothers excuses she is just as nuts. I look to the light to the future i did not see it i felt a mourning of no more kids things like that but then i saw this light of wow i am going to be ok i will see this laughter in my dreams and this beauty of realief i just need to keep going there and getting there and being the best mother and person to my kids and myself.

 

i just hope this helps someone i just cant be one of those women that says i have been in it for 10 years or more and your like what the hell are you thinking but i just dont have it in me to do that. i put my foot down and i am not taking this stuff and hell anymore. i am not a prison guard nor do i want to watch my back and die of AIDS one day.

 

he may say he is sober but you cant smell this on him or see if he is drugged up this is a wierd addiction and can kill you .

[jonybgood]

Wow - I feel terrible for you. The first thing you have to ask yourself is what do you want. then you have to sit him down and ask him what does he want. then you have to figure out what you NEED from each other which is probably a lot less than you want.

 

If you want this thing to work out all you can do is work on yourself. I know it is hard to accept but you have been responsible for a certain amount of the pain you are going through. At the minimum you ignored all the signs when they were right in front of you and allowed the behavior to continue. Is this man worth the time and effort it is going to take to fix this thing? Only you can answer that.

 

Whatever your answer is you need to be firm about what you need out of this relationship and tell him that. Then you need to be strong enough to stick by your decision. It could take years to fix this thing but is it worth it to put the time and effort into it? Once again only you can answer that.

 

Whatever happens every minute you do not clearly define your wants and needs in your relationship you are enabling this behavior. do not ignore the obvious, you sound like an intelligent person so why did you choose to ignore the writing on the wall? You have to answer some tough questions about yourself before you can move on.

[wannanewlife31]

I really like what you wrote. I know what you are saying no excuses are made for him and i have no excuse for me except to say that i was not a prude but i was abused mentally if you read what i wrote and yes if i stay and get abused that is my choice.

 

i put conditions down and he seemed to be sticking to them and then he just does things not with addiction but with the patterns of lies not about porn but the residue and it sto much to handle. i cant write to much right now i will write more later.

[jonybgood]

OK I understand what you are saying, and the patterns are visible to you. That is just what I am talking about though. You have to completely lay the law down. Make him give you the respect and love you deserve. If he can't do that then you have a tough decision to make. Whatever that decision is make it for yourself not what anybody in the world tells you. Only you know how long you can tolerate this kind of treatment. And only you know if you can look in the mirror and say I did everything I could for yourself, your child and your marriage. No one else can do that for you. I feel the problem with alot of relationships in the world (including mine I might add) is that too many people go outside the marriage for advise from people who are not impartial. That is what is great about this forum, there is no personal investment by other people here in your relationship. Good luck, I can tell because you really care that you will make every decision the right one.