Author betacharlie Posted May 26, 2017 Author Posted May 26, 2017 Good, please do. If you have any pets etc. that you don't want to leave behind ( some women will stay with their abuser rather than leave their pets behind because they might be in danger) there's programs that can help with that too- I don't know if that is an issue for you or not, but just in case it is, there are options. I don't have any pets, I wanted to keep one but the lady at a forum told me that her abusive ex husband put her dog in a car trunk and drove for hours to punish her. So I stayed away from adopting one.
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 26, 2017 Posted May 26, 2017 There is no logical reason for you to reconcile with your husband. NONE. I hope you can see that...I hope you know that you deserve better than a husband who physically harms you. Make a new life that does not include him. 2
Author betacharlie Posted May 26, 2017 Author Posted May 26, 2017 Hi Betacharlie, from your opening post it appears that you are possibly from some Asian country. I say this because you are in the US(?) on a work visa and secondly the abusive behaviour that you have mentioned is the hallmark of those societies where women ate considered the property of their men. Most Asian societies are afflicted by this attitude except those which are forward looking and have progressed towards a liberalized environment. Yes you are right- I am from india. Although I grew up in a very liberal environment. My husband also displayed a very liberal progressive side to him before marriage. I guess now it was all just a farce. I wanted to ask you if your marriage was an arranged one or a love marriage? Also are your visas linked in the sense that if you decide to ho back to your country your husband's visa will be revoked? If this is not the case then maybe with a restraining order against him and a Police case registered against his name, there are chances that he may face deportation which is something he obviously does not want. Is his AP from the same country as the two of you? Our marriage was not truly arranged. We met each other, liked each other and then decided to get married. I knew him barely 5 months before the marriage. Yes I am on my own visa, but my Permanent Residency is very far, I might get a renewal though but its still to be seen. He is much closer to getting his PR, but with the criminal convictions it might be hard and he may be deported. he does have top lawyers and typically they do get the sentencing reduced.His AP is white American, couple years older, very senior and powerful in his org. I think his game plan was to finish his probation for the first case without upsetting me, then divorce me, marry her and get citizenship in case his PR is jeopardized. It also helps that she is one of the highest salary brackets and owns her house in SF ! The other obvious fact is that when he was abusive the first time and you called the cops and you then supported him and gave him a second chance he repaid you by abusing and physically assaulting you. As they say "Once bitten twice shy". You have to believe who he has demonstrated he is. If you drop the DV case and take him back he will do the same thing all over again. One reason why he wants you to take him back and drop charges against him may be because with the present case against him if you report his affair to his HR department and produce the proof that he has physically abused you and has a DV case against him, both he and his AP may lose their jobs. This could be the reason he wants you to drop the case and take him back. If you do so you will have no leg to stand on in the future as he may project that you have a habit of making complaints that he is abusive whereas there is really no reason for you to do so and you are just a paranoid person who needs psychological counselling. Please tread carefully and be very deliberate in your actions. Give due thought to everything. If you can get s family member to come and join you like, say, your mother for a whole, then try and do so. This will boost your morale. How long before your visa expires or is due for renewal? That may be the time for you to return permanently to your country. Hope some of this helps you. Warm wishes. Yes he used to be desperate for me to support him and somehow get the case dismissed. I however have no plans of doing so. These days he does not do it so much, either he has some back up from the lawyer or his AP , or he may have given up on me. I was desperate to go to his HR and report his affair but my friends advised against it. I was told that unless his affair is reported internally and there is a conflict of interest, the HR will do nothing. He also threatened me that she is way too senior and might do something against me so i did get a little scared. She actually provided a letter of recommendation for him , to the judge to reduce his sentencing in the prior case. So I imagine the HR does not know anything about his cases. My family is supportive but they have sort of given up on me, they just talk basic stuff , but they basically want me out of this arrangement. That's the part that hurts me the m ost, for having put my family through so much grief.
Author betacharlie Posted May 26, 2017 Author Posted May 26, 2017 I really don't understand why you didn't get angry about it the first time, much less when it happened again. Not sure wh you're not angry now. I do get angry, I have waves of anger overtake me but I feel I am more timid, hurt and sad than angry. Also with his mixed messages, I feel a little soothed and then then anger goes away for a bit. that is the reason i am trying no contact so that I only remember the bad parts which are the reality that I have to deal with.
Recommended Posts