Need desperate engagement broke off

[Downtown]

It got to a point where when it came time to picking a venue.... She agreed, her parents agreed, my parents agreed. We all signed it together. Yet after a week she blasted me with "you have no right to decide, this was my day, and you stole it from me, you have your entire career, and yet you still have your way".

Lifesaver, as I noted earlier (post 22), a BPDer has such a weak self identity that she will feel suffocated and controlled by you -- even when you are simply buying a present for her or doing something she has already agreed to. I quickly learned that it was impossible to even buy her a gift without her feeling controlled by me. Although this happened hundreds of times, I will give you two examples.

 

The first is the $4,000 piano I bought her. Early in our R/S after we had started living together, she kept telling me how much she loved to play the piano because it was such a comfort to her -- and it helped to calm her down. So, of course, I purchased one and had it delivered as a surprise gift. She was absolutely thrilled -- for two weeks. In the subsequent three years, however, she played that piano a total of only 5 hours. Yes, that's right -- 5 hours in 3 years. So when I decided to sell it 3 years later, she told me she had never really wanted a piano. She claimed it was solely my decision and I had made a mistake in buying it for her.

 

The second example is the $11,000 she spent on 3 sewing machines and fabric bolts. She had this mistaken notion that she somehow was "a seamstress" but, in 15 years, she managed to make only one dress, one vest, and a cat collar. And because she had made all of those purchases on her own -- without consulting with me -- you might think she would have only herself to blame for throwing away $11,000.

 

Yet, when I asked her why she would not use the machines she had purchased, she explained that none of them would work properly because they lacked important functions. I then asked why she had chosen to buy 3 sewing machines, all of which were unsuitable for her sewing needs. She explained that she had purchased inadequate machines because, each time, she greatly feared my angry response if she had spent more to acquire a more expensive machine offering all the necessary sewing features. In her mind, then, she had ended up with 3 useless machines because I had prevented her from buying what she needed -- never mind that she had never even asked me.

 

To a BPDer, her perception of reality is whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT. Hence, even if she is blessed with an excellent memory -- or is presented with irrefutable evidence like the 3 perfectly good sewing machines setting in front of my exW -- she trusts that intense feeling. Whenever her feeling is intense, she accepts it as "reality" and will not trust her own memory or her intellectual understanding of the situation.

 

As to your fiance's belief that you had "stolen" the wedding venue decision from her, what you did wrong was to agree with her. Agreeing with her on the venue was the kiss of death for that venue choice. With a BPDer, your agreement means that you somehow managed to persuade her to make that choice -- or that the only reason she's allowed to do the choosing is because that is the choice you really wanted all along. Hence, the only way a BPDer can truly feel that she is in charge -- and not being controlled by you -- is when she's acquiring something that you absolutely hate.

 

I learned that lesson shortly after my exW started living with me. Because she wanted to have a woman's touch in our living room, we drove six hours out of state to purchase a chair and ottoman for her to sit in. After going through numerous furniture stores for two days, she found a $1,600 chair/ottoman that she absolutely loved. Of course, I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut for two full days so as not to be perceived as influencing her choice in any way.

 

Yet, at dinner that night -- in response to her question -- I made the foolish mistake of replying "Yes, it's a beautiful armchair and I think you made a wise choice." That's all it took. At breakfast the next morning, she told me that she had changed her mind and really did not like the chair. The result was that, on our third day of shopping, she deliberately picked a chair she knew I would hate because it had a fabric color that didn't match any color in our home.

 

Whenever we got in a fight, my way of solving issues was, "lets take a step back, take some time off to cool and regather". Her thing was "no you are abandoning me, you can't do this, you need to talk right now."

Because BPDers lack the ability to regulate their own emotions, they don't know the techniques (e.g., mind distraction) that mature adults use for self soothing. And, of course, they lack impulse control. The result is that, when a BPDer is upset during an argument, she desperately wants it settled RIGHT NOW -- even if you have to keep fighting for five hours to settle it. She knows that, if you defer the discussion to another day, she likely will be agitated and unable to sleep for hours.

 

I am just having a hard time digesting, was there anything I could have done, or was I just doomed from the start?

Well, if you ever discover something that would turn this parent/child relationship into a husband/wife relationship, you should abandon your career as a heart surgeon and -- instead -- write psychology books and articles. You could make a fortune and heal hundreds of millions of people with such knowledge. Sadly, most of the abused partners who remain in BPDer relationships don't realize how futile their efforts really are. Instead, they mistakenly think that -- if they can only figure out what THEY are doing wrong -- they can fix the relationship.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

[fieldoflavender]

It's everyone's right to choose to love someone or not. But if you can't be there for someone when they are having emotional distress, then it is better to leave them. Sure, there are differences between every human being whether whatever diagnosis they have, and what willpower they have, but spreading stereotypes based on a single diagnosis really doesn't help anyone.

 

If that specific person in your life doesn't work then maybe you should also ask what your role is also in it. If you have zero role (suspicious given that it usually takes two to clap), then you always have the choice to leave.

 

People keep complaining about how much they invested, how much they tried, and how they are only victims. I understand being a one-time victim, but to be a repeated "victim" is a choice.

 

Everyone deserves to be loved, and if someone isn't in it for the long haul, really the better choice is to leave rather than just lament and complain and give half of the effort.

 

Instead of trying to blame the other person for their emotions, maybe try to understand how it can feel that terrible. And if you can't - then just leave them.

 

And people who can only love someone who is "perfect" or the wonderful human being in the beginning - you are idealizing just as much. If you can't love someone even with all their flaws, then once again, leave.

 

Reading these posts and the ones on BPDfamily makes me very glad that I got out of a relationship where someone will just spread a tale like this and blame me for everything. I have no idea what someone else's story is and we are not getting two sides, but often in bad times, people forget everything good about a relationship. You must have stayed for a reason. Otherwise if you are also staying for absolutely no good reason that at some point makes you feel good about yourself, then maybe you need to also figure out why that is.

Edited June 27, 2017 by fieldoflavender

[Lifesaver]

Just wanted to give you all an update since its been a few months since school started

 

I am doing very well in medical school now. I got elected into my class government for medical school, I am currently top 10% of the class and also got selected to be part of a very selective internship program in the nations' top cardiovascular program.

 

Not sure if her presence bought the drama and hindered my ability to do well, but I think I am headed in the right direction....

Edited November 19, 2017 by Lifesaver
missed info

[Downtown]

Lifesaver, what a pleasant surprise! It was good of you to drop by to give us an update on your past four and a half months. I'm glad to hear you are doing so well in medical school and have been elected into your class government. Congratulations on being in the top 10% of your class and being chosen for the selective internship program. That speaks volumes about your intelligence and willingness to work hard because the competition from other students must be fierce in the nations' top cardiovascular program. Indeed, getting into such a program is so difficult that it is a real achievement to simply be admitted.

[Lifesaver]

Lifesaver, what a pleasant surprise! It was good of you to drop by to give us an update on your past four and a half months. I'm glad to hear you are doing so well in medical school and have been elected into your class government. Congratulations on being in the top 10% of your class and being chosen for the selective internship program. That speaks volumes about your intelligence and willingness to work hard because the competition from other students must be fierce in the nations' top cardiovascular program. Indeed, getting into such a program is so difficult that it is a real achievement to simply be admitted.

 

Thank you very much. I never forget people who helped me through this year, while I am still battling it out with post surgical issues, I am fighting it hard, and I can never forget people like you and on this forum who helped me.

 

There is a saying, "be with me on my worst, and I'll make sure youll be beside me on my best".

 

My dean told me, "You can write your own ending, your own ticket". So it def. feels good.

[Highndry]

Lifesaver, as I noted earlier (post 22), a BPDer has such a weak self identity that she will feel suffocated and controlled by you -- even when you are simply buying a present for her or doing something she has already agreed to. I quickly learned that it was impossible to even buy her a gift without her feeling controlled by me. Although this happened hundreds of times, I will give you two examples.

 

The first is the $4,000 piano I bought her. Early in our R/S after we had started living together, she kept telling me how much she loved to play the piano because it was such a comfort to her -- and it helped to calm her down. So, of course, I purchased one and had it delivered as a surprise gift. She was absolutely thrilled -- for two weeks. In the subsequent three years, however, she played that piano a total of only 5 hours. Yes, that's right -- 5 hours in 3 years. So when I decided to sell it 3 years later, she told me she had never really wanted a piano. She claimed it was solely my decision and I had made a mistake in buying it for her.

 

The second example is the $11,000 she spent on 3 sewing machines and fabric bolts. She had this mistaken notion that she somehow was "a seamstress" but, in 15 years, she managed to make only one dress, one vest, and a cat collar. And because she had made all of those purchases on her own -- without consulting with me -- you might think she would have only herself to blame for throwing away $11,000.

 

Yet, when I asked her why she would not use the machines she had purchased, she explained that none of them would work properly because they lacked important functions. I then asked why she had chosen to buy 3 sewing machines, all of which were unsuitable for her sewing needs. She explained that she had purchased inadequate machines because, each time, she greatly feared my angry response if she had spent more to acquire a more expensive machine offering all the necessary sewing features. In her mind, then, she had ended up with 3 useless machines because I had prevented her from buying what she needed -- never mind that she had never even asked me.

 

To a BPDer, her perception of reality is whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT. Hence, even if she is blessed with an excellent memory -- or is presented with irrefutable evidence like the 3 perfectly good sewing machines setting in front of my exW -- she trusts that intense feeling. Whenever her feeling is intense, she accepts it as "reality" and will not trust her own memory or her intellectual understanding of the situation.

 

As to your fiance's belief that you had "stolen" the wedding venue decision from her, what you did wrong was to agree with her. Agreeing with her on the venue was the kiss of death for that venue choice. With a BPDer, your agreement means that you somehow managed to persuade her to make that choice -- or that the only reason she's allowed to do the choosing is because that is the choice you really wanted all along. Hence, the only way a BPDer can truly feel that she is in charge -- and not being controlled by you -- is when she's acquiring something that you absolutely hate.

 

I learned that lesson shortly after my exW started living with me. Because she wanted to have a woman's touch in our living room, we drove six hours out of state to purchase a chair and ottoman for her to sit in. After going through numerous furniture stores for two days, she found a $1,600 chair/ottoman that she absolutely loved. Of course, I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut for two full days so as not to be perceived as influencing her choice in any way.

 

Yet, at dinner that night -- in response to her question -- I made the foolish mistake of replying "Yes, it's a beautiful armchair and I think you made a wise choice." That's all it took. At breakfast the next morning, she told me that she had changed her mind and really did not like the chair. The result was that, on our third day of shopping, she deliberately picked a chair she knew I would hate because it had a fabric color that didn't match any color in our home.

 

Because BPDers lack the ability to regulate their own emotions, they don't know the techniques (e.g., mind distraction) that mature adults use for self soothing. And, of course, they lack impulse control. The result is that, when a BPDer is upset during an argument, she desperately wants it settled RIGHT NOW -- even if you have to keep fighting for five hours to settle it. She knows that, if you defer the discussion to another day, she likely will be agitated and unable to sleep for hours.

Well, if you ever discover something that would turn this parent/child relationship into a husband/wife relationship, you should abandon your career as a heart surgeon and -- instead -- write psychology books and articles. You could make a fortune and heal hundreds of millions of people with such knowledge. Sadly, most of the abused partners who remain in BPDer relationships don't realize how futile their efforts really are. Instead, they mistakenly think that -- if they can only figure out what THEY are doing wrong -- they can fix the relationship.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

My gosh, Downtown, every time I happen upon one of your posts it's like I'm reading about my ex. It's downright chilling.

[Lifesaver]

My gosh, Downtown, every time I happen upon one of your posts it's like I'm reading about my ex. It's downright chilling.

 

Thats what I said too.....almost scary

[wishyouneverleft]

My gosh, Downtown, every time I happen upon one of your posts it's like I'm reading about my ex. It's downright chilling.

 

The points you put in bold also reflect mine.

[wishyouneverleft]

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

To be honest, I am done with her. For a number of reasons, when I pressed her for making a childish decision in how she reacted by telling her dad, her dad came flying at me defending her, where she failed to tell how she did me wrong. Her dad basically didnt let me talk to her, and she hung up the phone, blocked me on FB, etc, its almost as if the family didnt want this. My parents too got very upset after knowing all this because they saw me going out to buy her favorite things, matching up different things on her card to her gift bag with her favorite colors.

 

In the end what caused me to throw is away was when I told her shes making a mistake, and her reply "So this is how much you respect me huh, you dont have respect for me, if only you had a sister". This she was talking about my dead sister.

 

At that point I said in my heart, "get out of my life". No one talks abut my sister in vain like that. Also she was a "practical" person according to her, she needed her needs met and had very little contribution to the relationship. Being a medical student with health issues (open heart surgery) probably meant for her "ok hes going to die soon", because in a arguement once, she said it to me, "i feel like Im with someone who will die one day".

 

God willingly, Im alive and well. Hell, my surgeon told me, my heart was beating on its own after being on bypass, and after nearly 10 hours it was ready to go.

 

I just feel insecure and sad inside that I wount meet anyone ever again. Its consuming me a bit. I want someone to appreciate my profession, the way I have admiration for saving a life in medicine.

 

 

There's many ways to look at this. One person said "Be someone before you look for someone". The more I'm on this journey the more I agree. Finding someone that'll be by your side while you're climbing to the top is rare. And investing yourself in something like that while your personal development requires a level of focus that as you can see if (the relationship) it goes south, it can be quite perilous. I know its easy to say, but focus on yourself, find what you're missing that'll fulfill this void of having a significant other and keep growing. The leaps I took in personal development and achievements happened when I was single. I made the mistake of looking for someone before I reached the pinnacles I'm trying to reach, and got burned to the point I made mistakes left and right and still making them to avoid losing everything.

Edited November 19, 2017 by wishyouneverleft

[Lifesaver]

There's many ways to look at this. One person said "Be someone before you look for someone". The more I'm on this journey the more I agree. Finding someone that'll be by your side while you're climbing to the top is rare. And investing yourself in something like that while your personal development requires a level of focus that as you can see if (the relationship) it goes south, it can be quite perilous. I know its easy to say, but focus on yourself, find what you're missing that'll fulfill this void of having a significant other and keep growing. The leaps I took in personal development and achievements happened when I was single. I made the mistake of looking for someone before I reached the pinnacles I'm trying to reach, and got burned to the point I made mistakes left and right and still making them to avoid losing everything.

 

That is very true. I was young when I met her, about 26. I had nothing to be honest. No medical school admission. My sister had just passed away. I had a stable job as at a federal healthcare agency, but my dream was to become a physician.

 

Part of me thought "this will be a great rocky balboa story" when I get to become a doctor and shes with me. But then at times, whenever I had gotten sick or whatever, she used to get on my case about how I may not make it. Granted to be fair, she did support me before exams, to do well etc. But it was in times of stress she broke down very very easily.

 

Me? Im solid as a rock, I dont break down period. I'll take it in the stomach and brush off the dust and keep walking forward. I suppose thats why I am going to be living my dream and hers was just to live her dream which was simply to work her job, quit one day and raise a family as a mother. Nothing wrong with that. But I truly believe God has kept me alive to help others.

[Highndry]

That is very true. I was young when I met her, about 26. I had nothing to be honest. No medical school admission. My sister had just passed away. I had a stable job as at a federal healthcare agency, but my dream was to become a physician.

 

Part of me thought "this will be a great rocky balboa story" when I get to become a doctor and shes with me. But then at times, whenever I had gotten sick or whatever, she used to get on my case about how I may not make it. Granted to be fair, she did support me before exams, to do well etc. But it was in times of stress she broke down very very easily.

 

Me? Im solid as a rock, I dont break down period. I'll take it in the stomach and brush off the dust and keep walking forward. I suppose thats why I am going to be living my dream and hers was just to live her dream which was simply to work her job, quit one day and raise a family as a mother. Nothing wrong with that. But I truly believe God has kept me alive to help others.

 

Bingo. This is exactly what I experienced with my ex. She could not handle any sort of stress, and could not be counted on when I needed her. I remember being bedridden with the flu and she seemed annoyed that she had to go to the store for me, like it didn't even matter I was hurting so badly. I was so weak I had to hold onto something to stand up, and I'm a strong guy.

[Lifesaver]

Bingo. This is exactly what I experienced with my ex. She could not handle any sort of stress, and could not be counted on when I needed her. I remember being bedridden with the flu and she seemed annoyed that she had to go to the store for me, like it didn't even matter I was hurting so badly. I was so weak I had to hold onto something to stand up, and I'm a strong guy.

 

Man im very sorry to hear that man. I cant imagine how that must be. Ironically, as I type this, I am down with the flu myself, but luckily I have my sister in law, mother, and brother and ofcourse dad looking after me during Thanksgiving break.

 

It sucks. I was the guy who would pick her up and drop her off of work so she wouldnt have to walk the long parking lot at work during hot or cold days, drop her off with soup and meds at her home, order her food in her hotel room when she was with her sister concerts so she knows I am around and not fooling around like some people do when their significant other was away.

 

You know something my surgeon told me after I woke up from my open heart surgery that hit me that I think is worth repeating. He was sort of rough around the edges himself but a very nice guy.

 

"You know man, I get it, you woke up thinking she would have called you, but let me tell you something, today you did amazing on a 10 hour surgery. We stopped your heart for 2 hours. For what its worth, we noormally put a lot of meds to start up a heart, in your case, it was beating the second we warmed it up. So for what its worth man, you have a very loyal heart that wants to live its life. So go ahead now and live the best life possible. Your heart got sick and it did you a favor and got rid of these people for you because it, itself understand loyalty and thats what it gave you. It wants to live on, so go ahead now and live the best life possible".

 

Shook my hand and walked away like a boss. Something told me, he went through something similar in life, but I cant forget those words.