Losing opportunities because of Women's insecurity

[Grey40]

I found this to be quite interesting and I'm wondering if it could be a reason that I've had trouble getting second dates and keeping girls

 

interested in me.

 

I had a date with a girl about a month ago, it went well and we made out at the end of the date and said that we'd both want to see each other again. I reached out to her several days later and she was responsive but just kept avoiding getting together with me again each time I would ask. I eventually got fed up and decided to call her out. I told her that I enjoyed our date and liked her and wanted to see her again, but the feeling doesn't seem to be mutual. Then I said if she wants to go out again to text me.

 

She texted me the next day and basically said that she didn't think I would like her, and that she feels unworthy, insecure and doesn't think she could meet my expectations. She said she wasn't really reaching out to me because she thought she would come off needy and thought I would run away.

 

So I'm thinking, ok, that's a really nice way to turn me down and tell me she's not interested....or I guess I need to aim for women with higher self-esteem and more self-worth who won't be scared to go out with me. What are your thoughts on this? This has happened with a few women over the years. Some women have said "sorry I'm not interested I don't want to waste either of our time" and then I'll find out through the grapevine it's because they thought it was too good to be true and I'd end up screwing them over.

 

Is there a way I can change that perception? I could be nicer and more reassuring but that can also scare women off too.

[Gaeta]

When I was on the dating market, going from one disappointment to another one, I also came up with all types of theories as to why it's not working for me. I was too confident, too successful, I was intimidating, then I thought I was too playful, too serious, too slow, too fast, name it.

 

The answer was we were simply not a match for each other. It didn't matter if he bailed because I was too confident, or I bailed because he was too boring. The bottom line we were not a match because if we were things would have stick together.

 

You are who you are, if you are too confident than be it, just continue searching till a woman finds you and she thinks she wants more of you. You can't start modifying who you are to please these women. Yes you can adjust a couple of things like be a little more a gentleman, open doors, let them sit first etc but don't try to change who you are at the core.

[Grey40]

That's good advice Gaeta, and I would never change myself at the core, but it's a bit frustrating. I know these women are interested and like me but talk themselves out of it. It's one of the few downsides of being good lookimg--is that women don't trust you, they think you'll leave them in the dust when someone better comes along.esepcially if that's happened o them in the past.

[Gaeta]

That's good advice Gaeta, and I would never change myself at the core, but it's a bit frustrating. I know these women are interested and like me but talk themselves out of it. It's one of the few downsides of being good lookimg--is that women don't trust you, they think you'll leave them in the dust when someone better comes along.esepcially if that's happened o them in the past.

 

Who do you think deserves you? A woman confident in who she is and can handle having a gorgeous boyfriend or an insecure woman that will eventually make your life miserable with all of her lack of self-esteem and trust.

 

People that are confident and have self-confidence don't loose it over bad experiences. It actually helps them thrive through them. Be careful, in these women you meet you have the confident ones and the wanna-be-confident.

[Kamille]

Nope. This is not a thing. I have dated and met men who I thought were possibly too good to be true. That didn't make me want to stop dating them, quite the contrary. It meant I was shy and bashful around them, but if they asked me out I would jump at the chance.

 

Are you a very active person with lots of energy who is always working on yourself? It could be that these women are telling you that you are a mismatch in terms of interests. I do avoid dating men who seem to have different hobbies than I do, men who are always active. I figure we are not a match. And I might phrase that as: "You're too good for me". But deep down, all I'm saying is that I don't think we're a match.

[Miss Peach]

Hearing stories from guy friends, most of the excuses they are told don't sound real to me. It usually means something wasn't a match. If could be on their side or yours.

 

There might be some red flags you're giving off and that could be the real reason. Women and men both look for these things but our lists are different.

[Grey40]

Nope. This is not a thing. I have dated and met men who I thought were possibly too good to be true. That didn't make me want to stop dating them, quite the contrary. It meant I was shy and bashful around them, but if they asked me out I would jump at the chance.

 

Are you a very active person with lots of energy who is always working on yourself? It could be that these women are telling you that you are a mismatch in terms of interests. I do avoid dating men who seem to have different hobbies than I do, men who are always active. I figure we are not a match. And I might phrase that as: "You're too good for me". But deep down, all I'm saying is that I don't think we're a match.

 

Interesting. That was my other take on it, the fact that it's more of an excuse and sounds better than saying "I don't think we're a match." I don't know though, because I've met women who were into doing all the same things and it seemed like we had a ton of stuff in common and then they say we're not a match which i didn't get at all.

 

I guess the moral of the story is that you'll never know the real reason why women don't want to date you. They'll never be 100% honest about it. I figure it can't be my looks because I have no problem getting and landing first dates, especially on dating apps/sites. Unless women are just going on dates for the hell of it..maybe they don't find me attractive but are just going to "give it a shot?". I always thought they have to be somewhat physically attracted or they wouldn't even go on the date, but maybe not.

 

It could be me too. Maybe I'm not acting 100% myself, maybe I'm displaying some lack of confidence that is incongruent with what women are expecting. I never act needy or chase hard or do things that turn most women off. But I can definitley see that maybe because I'm so worried about the outcome of the date and the girl in general, that I'm not having fun or letting loose on the dates like I should be. That could totally be it.

[Grey40]

Hearing stories from guy friends, most of the excuses they are told don't sound real to me. It usually means something wasn't a match. If could be on their side or yours.

 

There might be some red flags you're giving off and that could be the real reason. Women and men both look for these things but our lists are different.

 

Well if that's the case I guess I don't match up with vey many women then. I've been out with 20 different women over the course of 4 months, only like 3 of them went to a second date and then fell off after that. So it's either me or it's just a lot harder find someone compatible than I thought.

[BaileyB]

I don't think it's a thing. I've never known anyone to say, "I'm insecure, and I think you are too good for me." My assumption is, it was a nice way to try and tell you that she wasn't interested. I'm sorry.

[PogoStick]

Short answer: Yes, I'm also feeling some women are too nutty for a successful relationship, and insecurity could fall into that category.

 

I recently was told something similar. Went on a 1st date, seemed to go well, kissed at the end. We agreed to a date the coming weekend and then she ghosted.

 

Now 2 weeks later, she just got back in contact. She apologized for "going silent" and said she did so because she's "older than me and has stretch marks"! First, that says to me she was thinking about having sex together. Also, I read that to mean she felt I was too attractive for her since our ages are only a couple years apart.

 

Was she making it up? Seems there are much easier ways to avoid a 2nd date if that was her real plan. She could have stayed silent and said nothing at all.

 

Finally, a string of recent dates has surprised me with the mental issues that even some attractive women have. The question "how can you still be single?" feels justified!

[preraph]

Do this. Find a female friend who knows you pretty well and ask her if there is something about your personality and how you come across that is extreme enough to strike fear in the hearts of the fairer sex. Maybe it is a certain bluster or directness that scares them. Find out and then temper that.

[Gaeta]

Well if that's the case I guess I don't match up with vey many women then. I've been out with 20 different women over the course of 4 months, only like 3 of them went to a second date and then fell off after that. So it's either me or it's just a lot harder find someone compatible than I thought.

 

Hon, I went out with 200 men over 3,5 years before falling into a lasting relationship. Don't count how many times, don't look back, just get back up on your saddle and ride to the next one.

[anduina]

Too aggressive or excessively confident can be a turn off to some. This does not mean that these are terrible traits, only that they're too overwhelming for some since you might expect the girl you're dating to play at your level of energy. That might be why they couched their rejection the way they did.

[Grey40]

Too aggressive or excessively confident can be a turn off to some. This does not mean that these are terrible traits, only that they're too overwhelming for some since you might expect the girl you're dating to play at your level of energy. That might be why they couched their rejection the way they did.

 

For me it was the opposite I don't think I acted confident enough and I certainly was not aggressive. I think maybe they are expecting me to be (because I'm an attractive musician etc), and then when I'm kind of quiet and "boring" they get turned off or think I'm not into them. I think Im just overthinking and not really enjoying myself as much on the date because I'm too concerned about the outcome of succeeding.

[Popsicle]

She lost an opportunity, not you.

[OatsAndHall]

At the end of the day, one needs to take a black and white view of the dating world in order to make it work. To be honest, I don't really care why a woman stops communicating with me after a date or two. It's doesn't really matter because either a) they're not into me or b) they're playing games or being immature/insecure. Hunting for answers just doesn't serve a useful purpose as the end result is the same; I don't see them again.

 

And, to be blunt, I will write a woman off quickly if they don't respond to a text message within a reasonable amount of time. People can state that "they're busy" all they want but I see an entire world of folks with their faces glued to cell-phones. So, returning a text message isn't an inconvenience.