Sleeping over

[kendahke]

Ya he sleeps next to her 6 nights a week but those are week days night. You know? when you're super busy during the day, when you come home and rush to make dinner, run errands, deal with life, and go to bed thinking gosh I got to get up in 6 hours! That is not quality time.

 

If your boyfriend is gone every darn Saturday night then there is a big problem. Saturday is the only night you don't have to get up the following day and you spend it alone or with your single girlfriends? and not just once in a while but ALL of them.

 

And when he sleeps over there on Saturday what time does he get back the following day? If he's hung over I am sure he's not heading back home at 8 am. If he comes back in the afternoon than your Sunday with him is half gone as well. I don't know many women, of any age, that would be pleased with this.

 

that changes nothing. You're reaching here.

 

This is about her not trusting him out of her line of site and this is the excuse that she's using to justify it.

Edited May 25, 2017 by kendahke

[Gaeta]

Apples to oranges. Living together for the first year of dating I wouldn't consider that marriage or ever consider doing that in the first place.

 

Her words:

 

Of course, we are still young but we are planning on a future together which means that our relationship is considered to be a committed relationship.

 

We are committed or we're not.

 

There is no different levels of commitment because you're 20 or you're 50. I was married at 20 years old and I didn't spent my Saturday nights with my girlfriends. We went out on our own once in a while sure! but not every Saturday night and on top of that on our own, that's called single-hood.

 

And what 23 year old prefers being with a bunch of smelly dudes when he could be home having sex with his gf?

[Gaeta]

Of course, they're not married. Being a boyfriend and a newlywed husband are not even comparable situations.

 

When you officially live together in a committed relationship you are not being just a boyfriend anymore.

[SoThatHappened]

And what 23 year old prefers being with a bunch of smelly dudes when he could be home having sex with his gf?

I'd say most, especially if the sex is always there when needed.

 

Think about it.

 

I reiterate: the guy is 23... he's a young man. I wanted more time with the boys and sex when I could get it at 23.

[mightycpa]

Her words:

 

Of course, we are still young but we are planning on a future together which means that our relationship is considered to be a committed relationship.

 

We are committed or we're not.

 

There is no different levels of commitment because you're 20 or you're 50.

No, but there are different levels of commitment if you're married or not. Because marriage IS a huge legal and sometimes spiritual commitment, where being a boyfriend is much closer to "just words that can be revoked at will by either party".

I was married at 20 years old and I didn't spent my Saturday nights with my girlfriends. We went out on our own once in a while sure! but not every Saturday night and on top of that on our own, that's called single-hood.

And again, I'm not sure why you confuse the two things or fail to acknowledge the situation here, but this is the hard fact about OP and the BF: THEY ARE SINGLE. That is exactly what "not married" means.

 

This is why when you fill out certain forms, there are mutually exclusive checkboxes for "Married" or "Single" Just about everybody understands the difference, no matter what culture or country you come from.

 

And what 23 year old prefers being with a bunch of smelly dudes when he could be home having sex with his gf?

Maybe that's what they're doing the other 6 nights a week, and it is his restorative time.

[Gaeta]

Ok l get it. For certain cultures there is a difference between marriage and common law. Not in mine. Committed means committed marriage or not.

 

That beind said who wants a bf that is a no show every Saturday night and sometimes all weekend and this all the time.

Edited May 25, 2017 by Gaeta

[thefooloftheyear]

You want to play house and he doesn't....He's 23...most guys don't...

 

TFY

[smackie9]

TBH I think he has no real idea the torment she is going through.....is this a case of him not being able to read her mind?

[curfuld]

So, first, I would like to mention that English is not my mother tongue so I might have used the term 'commited relationship' in a wrong way and if so, I excuse myself.

 

In relation to this, I would like also to make clear that we are not married and we are not planning on getting married soon but that doesn't mean that we are not planning on a common future together. Yes, we are. We have discussed many things about our expectations for the near and further future, which means near future: trip to his favorite city abroad, our winter holiday together, visiting my parents(they live far away), getting a pet and further future: do we see each other together, do we want to develop this relationship into a life-time commitment, what we would do after we are both done with our education, where do we prefer to live, do we want to go live abroad together before we settle down somewhere. Of course, I fully understand that this might never happen and that we might not be together in a week, month or 5 years from now but my point is that we do have common plans together which go further than the decision what we are having for dinner tomorrow. And just to get it clear, is not me who is day dreaming about these things trying "to play house" and he is sitting just silently pretending to be agreeing with it, in fact, he is the one who is much more often than me discussing the future. He stated clearly that he wants to have a family and children some day and he totally could see me as his future wife and mother of his children. And again, that is not something I am barking about, it's him. And one more time, this is not something that either of us is considering in the following at least two years. That's what I meant by a commited relationship - present in which you respect and love each other and planning on the future in which you are going to do the same. And for me, there are different levels of comittement, you are not as comitted to someone after one year, when you don't have so much general practical engagements and after 10 years when your life is much more engaged with the life of the other person.

 

That's also how our relationship started, I was the one who was afraid to commit any further than hanging out and making out at each other's places sometimes. I was also the person who initially didn't want to make this relationship too public because I didn't want to 'ruin' my single life. I was the one who never assumed that might fall inlove with someone at such an early age and I have always been the one advising my friends not to get into that kind of relationship I am now. But life happens and here I am now, madly in love with him and I can't help it. I have never been the girl who wants to play house with someone and who is dreaming about weddings and her unborn children's names. I am writing all this so that you come to know that I haven't pushed him or forced him into this, it's a mutual will which in many ways he struggled (without even knowing) to develop in me over time. And again, from the very beginning he was the one with the more serious intentions than I was, later he was the one suggesting that we live together, he is the one saying that the only thing that could ruin his life is me leaving him, he is the one telling his friends (which I happen to know and not from him) that he thinks he found the one who he wants to spend his whole life with and it's his family that says they have never seen him like this before. So I don't consider myself trying to 'play house' and be 'wifely' without any grounds to do so. And about the marriage.. I have never believed in marriage to be honest. I don't see how a signature on a paper could change how people feel about each other and how dedicated they are to their relationship and family. This might be of course because I am too young to understand or it might be because my parents' marriage collapsed all most over night after 25 years of marriage and the signature didn't stop it in any way.

 

Despite all this, I fully understand that 'dude is twenty-freaking-three' and he is not done being young. I really do understand, no matter that I have lost somewhere in the past year these desires myself. But I am still not happy with him being away and that's where my struggle comes from. On some level, I know he has to enlive his young years and get some other experiences than just staying home with his girfriend but on another level, I want him to be here with me every night. The reason why I haven't discussed it openly with him yet is because I am not sure whether I am right to ask him for this or not. I am basically having the discussion you are having here in my head and I can't work out what is wrong and what is right forbthe situation. But in some twisted way I do agree with all of you, no matter that your opinions are opposite. I am an anxious person and I think through every step of mine very carefully prior to getting into action and it has nothing to do with fear of losing him or pushing him away. I want to be sure that I am right when I am making point about something and especially, when it comes to putting restrictions on someone else's life which is actually the last thing I want to do.

 

Kendahke, this hit me hard and I am increadibly greatful actually. It's not a mistrust, it's me being an EXTREMELY insecure person throughout my whole life. After careful thinking, I have concluded that I somehow automatically assume he loves me or respects me less if he has life ouside our relationship and that's where the issue is. But the issue is mine and not his. I have always been trying to keep my insecurities out of my relations with people by not sharing them by the time I am sure they are based on reality, as I know well, my mind often plays me tricks. And at that point, I think that's the best thing to do here as well. It's my issue being insecure without any rhyme or reason and it's me who has to deal with it and not him. If I drag him into this never ending flow of insecurities, I doom my relation ship to failure before it even had the chance to develop well.

 

At the end of the day, the fact that he doesn't love me in the exact same way as I want him to, doesn't mean he loves me less.

"If you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it is your. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be."

 

Thank you, wonderful people! Peace

[coolheadal]

Smakie, yes he deserves a social life but I would rather him doing it differently. Many people maintain their social life without sleeping over every weekend. To be honest, yes, sometimes I would prefer them to be at our place. Not always, but at least sometimes. From the time I know him, I know for sure that he prefers to stay somewhere in, instead of be going out to bars, pubs etc. There is nothing wrong with male bonding but I don't understand why they can't bond without sleeping together. I understand that I might be selfish on this but I am annoyed by the fact that he is not sleeping next to me a night every week and that's a fact. I can't help it, I can't deal with it and thats why I am here looking for people's opinion.

 

Sara, my reply was meant to show the people who previously answered why I am not considering breaking up with him over this single issue and why I don't think we should get as far as considering him being not a decent boyfriend material. I meant to explain the other aspects of our relationship because I think that each relationship has it's flaws but in this case, it has many possitive features as well. As I said, the problem is that I am annoyed by the fact that he is gone for a night every weekend and that's a fact which I am seeking help for resolution. Either for me, to deal with it in my mind or for advice how do I do it together with him without appearing clingy, needy and making him feeling in chains. My reply was also meant to explain why I am saying that I don't have any relevant arguments apart from my own feelings. We are adults, I don't think I can tell anyone to stop doing something just because I don't like it without giving them a decent reason.

 

You need to let him go and find a guy you would have more ideal relationship with instead of spends week with you then on weekends spend it with his friends why do you wait until he comes home. Your not top tier he wants to be with 100%. Your young and your not going to listen to none of us here but sure it's your life you live in it. You deal with it yourself. We can only advise you what should do. I say kick him out...