Sleeping over

[curfuld]

I hope I post this under the right category of the forum.

 

I have been together with my boyfriend for about an year now and we live together. We are both in our early twenties - he is 23 and I am 21. We have a very nice relationship together and I would say a pretty strong bond. Of course, we are still young but we are planning on a future together which means that our relationship is considered to be a committed relationship. In general, we don't have any issues in between and he is a really nice and loving partner.

 

But here comes my concern. Almost, ever since we are together he is sleeping over at his best friend's house during the weekends. Normally, one night and sometimes but not often - two nights. The main reason for this is that his friend lives 20km away from the city where we live in. This has never been totally understandable for me since I am a kind of person who likes to be sleeping home more than anywhere else. I understand that he is not me but recently, I get god damn mad when I hear about it.

 

I have never made a point about it because in some way, I know that I don't have any relevant arguments to support my opinion. He has never gave me a reason to doubt about anything and he has always been 100% honest with me even about the things that he knows well I don't support. Any time when I have said that I have made some plans for us or that I just need him to be home with me during the weekend, he has done it. I guess that's the way we compromise. But I still feel uneasy when he leaves home for the night. On a first place, I don't like his friends and I find them as a bad company for him. Moreover, he has agreed himself that they are not a good influence and that they are "bad company" but he just can't get any others and doesn't want to be alone. But I don't think that's the root of my concern as it has been bothering me almost throughout the whole relationship even before I found out what kind of people they are.

 

Especially when it comes to this weekend, I am totally freaked out as he wouldn't be home for 3 nights because he is going away for work, and now he is adding one more night away by sleeping at his friend's house prior to his journey?! On top of this, he is working until late at night so during the week there is no way that we are going to bed together, which makes it even more annoying for me.

 

I don't know how to approach this issue with him because I realise that we are young, not married or anything so he has the right to have fun with his friends, same as I do, no matter that I don't do it in the same way. Moreover, as I already said, I can't find any reasonable argument, apart from the anger that takes over me when he tells me he is going to do it again. I really hope, that this is some kind of period, which is going to be over soon.

 

I don't know if I am being unreasonable and that's why I would like to hear from you how would you feel about something like this in your relationship. And how would you approach him with the issue without seeming too clingy and needy?

[d0nnivain]

Why is he sleeping at the friends house? If it's because they have been drinking & he's being responsible, either agree to be his sober ride home or be happy that he's not endangering his own life of that of anyone else.

 

 

It seems it should be wanting to spend more time with you but him being at the friend's every weekend indicates otherwise.

[Gaeta]

That's why it's better for people to not move in together at an early age.

 

Specially men.

 

You boyfriend isn't done with living the life of a single man. He's got you home on week days to take care of him and he gives his free time, his most valued time, to his friends on weekends. That's not a committed relationship.

 

If he's always away to his friends on weekends when are you 2 going out on dates? When is YOUR quality time as a couple?

 

Those friends where he goes do they have girlfriends? Are they a bunch of men being room-mates? What ever they have it looks like he wants it too because he's more attracted to that.

 

Even if he stays over night because he drinks, yes it's responsible of him but who wants a boyfriend that is gone on weekends because he prioritize drinking with his buddies.

 

Living under the same roof does not make a relationship a committed one.

[Redhead14]

To me, you two are just roommates not a committed couple with common long-term goals for the relationship . . .

 

How do you approach it? You sit down and calmly explain your position and ask him what he wants in terms of a relationship and whether he sees you as his long-term partner with at leas the possibility for marriage.

 

Frankly, you two are entirely too young to be living together or thinking about marriage. He, certainly, doesn't behave like he's in a relationship. He's still partying and spending most of the time that, at least some of, should be spent with you in a quality way. Yeah, once in a while he should hang with his buds, but not often and not for extended periods of time.

 

He's young and wants to party and be single and still have a regular source of booty and creature comforts in between. Sorry to be blunt, but that's what it sounds like to me. You're home playing house, likely doing "wifely" things and he gets to do whatever the heck he wants to do like he's single. If he wants that kind of relationship, send him home to his mother. Of course, the booty part goes away if he does that. But, hey, he's single, he can find that anywhere.

Edited May 24, 2017 by Redhead14

[Poutrew]

From the way you write, it sounds as if he is making special trips to the friends house just to spend the night. If this is accurate, then yes, you have a problem. No man is going to be eating dinner with his girlfriend Saturday night, finishes up and says, "Well hunny bunny, I'm going over to my friend's house now for my regular night timer, see 'ya later! Oh, and I'll probably be spending Sunday night there as well, but call if you need me and I guess I'll come over..." No man does this unless he has a powerful incentive to do so. Like sex or drugs... Are there girls involved, like does the friend have a sister? Do they have a drug history? Or, maybe he is bi and banging his boyfriend?? Do NOT marry this man until you have this ironed out, but from my perspective, some fish are definitely rotting in the state of Denmark...

[mortensorchid]

Honey, if something doesn't seem right, it usually isn't. You may never know what that is or is not, but if you choose to ignore it it will always linger. Something is not right about the situation, I don't think it matters how old you are or are not. True, he may be doing that for safety factors (let's say he was out drinking with his buddies) - but why doesn't he call for an Uber/Lyft to take him home to you rather than the friend's house? The fact of the matter is that he stays at the friend's house because he wants to be there and not with you as much. He's living like a single guy, or at least pretending he's a single guy. For a reason. Fact.

[Mrin]

OP:

 

Ok, not sure if this will help but here's the world according to me:

 

There are essentially three types of relationships: dating, relationship and committed relationships.

 

1. Dating: Dating is when you are both living separate lives. Often busy lives. You find the gaps in your lives and spend it with each other. You experience life as individuals and the default for spending time is as individuals. That's not to say that this stage can't be full of love and trust and all of the really great stuff. And it can last a long time. In fact, I know couples that have been essentially in this stage for years and are both happy about it.

 

2. Relationship: A relationship is when you start experiencing life together. You fill your lives and schedules with each other and everything else fills in the gaps. The default for spending time is that you're together.

 

3. Committed Relationship: A committed relationship is when you start building a life together. A future. That might mean marriage. Or it might just mean vacation plans for next winter. Or buying a house. The point is that you are not only experiencing life together but you're actively crafting and shaping it with an eye to the future.

 

Honestly, it sounds like you're in bucket #2 and I think your BF is in or mostly in bucket #1. The disconnect is occurring because you live together. That has given you a true sense of being in a relationship while I am not entirely sure if the same has occurred to your BF.

 

Anyhow, I hope this helps!

 

Mrin

[kendahke]

I see no other way to approach it. You've already told him how you feel. He knows full well how you feel and he's not changing his tack. That is your problem.

 

The next approach is deciding if this is the relationship you want--just like it is right now because there is no guarantee anywhere that he is going to change what he's doing UNTIL he feels like changing. You being his girlfriend/roommate or whatever doesn't change that fact right now, so what are you prepared to do about it?

 

You've got 2 choices: accept how things are and be quiet and content that you have this guy as your boyfriend or reject how things are and break up with him. You certainly can't turn into his mother and tell him who he can or cannot be friends with... that's not your call. He's a grown man and grown people do what they want.

 

Also, if he's not moved enough to stay with you for a weekend of his own volition without you saying something about it, then that should tell you a whole lot about how he truly feels about you, because as my tag line says:

 

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Edited May 24, 2017 by kendahke

[curfuld]

Thank you for replies, everyone, I appreciate your time and opinions.

 

But I think we got a little bit too far. I don't really see it as such a deep relationship issue in the current situation so that I should be considering breaking up with him at this stage. He is amazing in many ways and he put effort and love into our relationship. He does a lot of things, purposely, to make me happy, even if this sometimes means going out of his way. I am talking about little everyday things, like making the bed, the way I like it done. As one of you suggested, yes, I am acting "wifely" in some way but he is doing the exact same things as I do. It's not like I am constantly taking care of him as a little child instead of his mum. He is also taking a lot of care of me and my needs - physically, emotionally and financially. Except, of course, of this one think with his friends. But I, definitely, don't want to end this relationship just like this over this issue, especially before I even approached him with it. I know the picture is not perfectly clear from just few sentences so I want to clarify some things in relation with the replies that you gave me.

 

No, actually I have never told him how I feel about him sleeping over. I always act cool and don't say anything. We have talked about his friends in general but never precisely about him staying there.

 

He is working during the week so he doesn't get to see his friends on week days. So yes, they only meet during the weekend. Yes, he spends all his free time during the week and the time on the weekends apart from this one night with me. I think I somehow want him to need me and only me in his life which is, of course, not possible. I also think this is based on the fact that I don't have any close friends in the city we currently live in, who I have the urge to communicate with or let alone staying the night with them. The only close friend of mine is him. So I guess I might subconsciously expect the same to be true about him. Whereas, when I am back in my home town, my bestie, who is also currently living with her boyfriend, is often spending nights at my place and it has always been like this. And that's another reason, I think I might be overreacting. Why I see nothing wrong with it when my friend is doing it with me but I see it as wrong when my boyfriend does it? I don't really have an answer to this question.

 

One of his friends, has just ended a 3 years relationship and is in some kind of twisted (another story) relationship with another girl right now. His other friend is single and seem to have no interest in being into relationship. Yet, I have never seen him fooling around with girls and actually, when we go out together, I have never seen him approaching a girl or anything, he is just having fun with his friends. So, no I don't think my boyfriend is following some kind of single man life which his friends are leading him in. Each of these friends of him has their own place but they like to gather together at one place and it has always been like this, more frequently before he met me and in the beginning of our relationship. I am not interested to be with them when they gather, even if it happens other people to be there as well, because I don't really enjoy their company and I become annoying and constantly complaining to my boyfriend to go home. And as I said, I don't like sleeping at other places.

 

Unlike some of you assumed, they are not always partying. Yes, they are, sometimes, but in most of the cases, I go with him when there is some kind of party happening, and not because I am asking for it, but he is inviting me himself. From what he says, they are watching movies, playing video games, may be drinking some beers sometimes and just enjoying each other's company. I know, he can do this and then go home but as I said it's far away and at this moment, neither I nor him own a car so even if he stays sober he can't drive home and I can't be his sober ride home either. Where we live, a cab home is pretty expensive and I wouldn't like to spend money on it myself either. So additionally to the fact that he likes being with his friends, these are the reasons not get home.

 

When he is there, he is not ignoring me at all - he is texting and sometimes calling me if I am not out or working myself. He threats me perfectly good 100% of the time, I can't complain. I also haven't said that he doesn't initiate time together himself. I don't see it as some kind of mistreatment but just as something which he doesn't realise is not making me so happy.

[preraph]

Just guessing, I would say he and his friends are out partying and trying to pick up women and maybe occasionally succeeding. I mean, 3 days is a lot of days to hang out with a friend.

 

Now, I'm from the swinging 70s and if my dates had done this, I'd have assumed they were bi and having a thing with the other guy.

[smackie9]

Ummm so he spends one night a weekend to see his friends (on the rare occasion two), and he is there with you the rest of the time......does he not deserve a social life? or would you prefer for his friends to hangout and party at your place, eat your food, make a mess? Count your blessings it hasn't come to that. It's the only convenient way for him to hang out with his buddies to get some male bonding time. Lets face it, he likes them regardless of them being a possible bad influence. He knows better and you can trust him to make good choices right?

 

IMO in a few years everyone is going to settle down into their own lives and the party is going to be over. everyone just grows up and moves onto other things.

 

You want him to not see his friend, then just tell him that you two are going away for the weekend for some quality time. I'm sure getting out of town would be a good change of pace. Just make sure you plan ahead and work with that.

[Sara1989]

Based on your reply it seems you are happy with how things are going so what is the problem here then?

[curfuld]

Smakie, yes he deserves a social life but I would rather him doing it differently. Many people maintain their social life without sleeping over every weekend. To be honest, yes, sometimes I would prefer them to be at our place. Not always, but at least sometimes. From the time I know him, I know for sure that he prefers to stay somewhere in, instead of be going out to bars, pubs etc. There is nothing wrong with male bonding but I don't understand why they can't bond without sleeping together. I understand that I might be selfish on this but I am annoyed by the fact that he is not sleeping next to me a night every week and that's a fact. I can't help it, I can't deal with it and thats why I am here looking for people's opinion.

 

Sara, my reply was meant to show the people who previously answered why I am not considering breaking up with him over this single issue and why I don't think we should get as far as considering him being not a decent boyfriend material. I meant to explain the other aspects of our relationship because I think that each relationship has it's flaws but in this case, it has many possitive features as well. As I said, the problem is that I am annoyed by the fact that he is gone for a night every weekend and that's a fact which I am seeking help for resolution. Either for me, to deal with it in my mind or for advice how do I do it together with him without appearing clingy, needy and making him feeling in chains. My reply was also meant to explain why I am saying that I don't have any relevant arguments apart from my own feelings. We are adults, I don't think I can tell anyone to stop doing something just because I don't like it without giving them a decent reason.

[Gaeta]

Why did you move in together so young? In terms of maturity a woman is 4 years older than her actual age and a man is 4 years younger than his actual age. In his head he's still a teenager. The proof is in front of you, he still has sleep overs at his friends, and this every weekend. Look around you, who does that? Your father has sleep overs? Your girlfriend's boyfriend has sleep over every weekend?

 

He may be nice, sweet, and helpful but he still remains a kid of 23 who's not ready en enter a common-law relationship.

[Tribble]

I don't see the issue. My best friends bf does something similar. He goes round to his friends for the night, has some beers, does some chatting, play video games into the small hours of the morning and he stays over. He can't drive after drinking and a taxi would be expensive for him. Plus it's usually 4am or later so why bother. She used to stop at mine sometimes (and still does). In an ideal world, they would like to sleep together but they understand it doesn't happen all the time.

 

I do understand your feelings. The problem is, that sometimes feelings aren't rational. You need to recognise that. You need to decide what you're willing to put up with and where you want to compromise.

 

Smakie, yes he deserves a social life but I would rather him doing it differently. Many people maintain their social life without sleeping over every weekend.

 

You don't get to decide this though. People are allowed to socialise how they want. Would you be happier if he hit the bars every weekend?

 

To be honest, yes, sometimes I would prefer them to be at our place. Not always, but at least sometimes.

 

Are you sure? You say you don't like his friends. Maybe they know this and they feel uncomfortable. Or maybe your bf is trying to respect you and your space and take the socialising you don't like away from you. If, when you are there, you are whining to go home, what would you be like if they were at your house? Kick them out when you want without considering how they'd get home?

 

I understand that I might be selfish on this but I am annoyed by the fact that he is not sleeping next to me a night every week and that's a fact.

 

You know why this is though. It's far away, he doesn't drive and even you wouldn't want to pay for a taxi.

 

At the end of the day, you need to talk to him. Justified or not, you're building up resentment and that is not good. Approach it in a positive way, not nagging. Try to come to a resolution. Maybe once a fortnight he goes over there. Or only one night, not two. You've tried passive aggressive (being cold when he's mentioned it) and it hasn't worked. He thinks you're okay with it so why would he change?? If you're looking for marriage, an adult conversation both discussing your wants and needs is what you need.

[SoThatHappened]

......does he not deserve a social life?

Exactly. Dude is twenty-freaking-three...

 

Try to pin him down now, and he will revolt later (as he should).

 

Let him be a young man and enjoy life. Living together in your early twenties is a recipe for disaster for most people. Not all, but most.

 

I was still doing beer bongs and crashing on couches at 23. Now, 14 years later, I have no desire to have a "sleepover" with anyone except my SO... unless I'm camping. Then I'll sleep next to another dude.

[kendahke]

Smakie, yes he deserves a social life but...

 

But nothing. This is what I mean by you acting like his mother, not the taking care of him, etc., and the rest of what you said.

 

It's not your place to choose his friends. He's an adult and his mother is done rearing him.

 

There is nothing wrong with male bonding but

 

Again, but nothing. This is what this particular guy likes to do and is going to do until he feels it's good policy to change that. If you don't want to have to wrap your head around male bonding, then find a different guy who doesn't want a life outside of you.

 

I understand that I might be selfish on this but

 

again, but nothing.

 

I could understand and affirm your complaints if he was gone 3-5 nights out of the week.

 

You said:

he is gone for a night every weekend

 

That's not the case here. He sleeps next to you 6 nights a week.

 

Could it be that he may need to have one night to himself where he doesn't feel he's joined at the hip to you?

 

If he feels that it's good policy to curb his sleepovers, then he'll do it. If he doesn't, then again, it will reiterate what you already know about his stance on this.

 

Either for me, to deal with it in my mind or for advice how do I do it together with him without appearing clingy, needy and making him feeling in chains. My reply was also meant to explain why I am saying that I don't have any relevant arguments apart from my own feelings. We are adults, I don't think I can tell anyone to stop doing something just because I don't like it without giving them a decent reason.

 

There is no decent reason outside of distrust.

 

This is an issue of trust and the truth of the matter is: you don't trust your boyfriend to act in a satisfactory manner when he is out of your line of site.

 

You'd have a way stronger case, as I said, if he was out 3-5 nights a week; but as you've pointed out, he's with you 6 nights/week. That's not someone who is trying to forget he's got a girlfriend at home. That's someone who is trying to keep a measure of autonomy from being clawed away by someone else's insecurity.

 

The tighter you pull up on the choke collar, the more the dog will struggle to break free for air. If you want him to get to the point where it does become 3-5 nights away from home, then keep to this tack.

[kendahke]

I could understand and affirm your complaints if he was gone 3-5 nights out of the week.

 

You said:

he is gone for a night every weekend

 

That's not the case here.

 

He sleeps next to you 6 nights a week.

[Gaeta]

I could understand and affirm your complaints if he was gone 3-5 nights out of the week.

 

You said:

 

That's not the case here.

 

He sleeps next to you 6 nights a week.

 

Ya he sleeps next to her 6 nights a week but those are week days night. You know? when you're super busy during the day, when you come home and rush to make dinner, run errands, deal with life, and go to bed thinking gosh I got to get up in 6 hours! That is not quality time.

 

If your boyfriend is gone every darn Saturday night then there is a big problem. Saturday is the only night you don't have to get up the following day and you spend it alone or with your single girlfriends? and not just once in a while but ALL of them.

 

And when he sleeps over there on Saturday what time does he get back the following day? If he's hung over I am sure he's not heading back home at 8 am. If he comes back in the afternoon than your Sunday with him is half gone as well. I don't know many women, of any age, that would be pleased with this.

[smackie9]

OK then you can go pick him up at 2am when the party winds down, just so you can have him home in bed next to you.

[Gaeta]

OK then you can go pick him up at 2am when the party winds down, just so you can have him home in bed next to you.

 

C'mon Smackie. If the first year of your marriage your husband went sleeping at his buddies every darn Saturday night you'd be ok with it?

[Lorenza]

I agree with Gaeta. Have myself been in a relationship with a guy who never spent Saturdays with me. Saturday night is the prime time, doesnt matter how many weekdays you spend together - it's not the same. An evening where you both have to go to sleep at 22 and wake up early next morning doesn't have the same quality.

 

Every other Saturday could be a compromise.

[mightycpa]

So, you haven't been very thorough about what's going on.

 

It sounds like the arrangement has been that there's a boys' night pretty much every weekend....Friday?(normal) Saturday?(different)

 

The main obstacle to coming home seems to be transportation. I don't exactly get the money problem. If he doesn't have a car, then that fact doesn't change whether it's 2AM or the next day at 10AM. So the money can't be the issue can it? He's going to spend the money anyway, right? Or by sleeping over, can he catch a ride too and save a few bucks? Can he even get a cab when he's ready to leave?

 

Nor have you said what you would be satisfied with.... he can go out, but should start coming back home when he's done? Stop going?

 

What do you want?

[mightycpa]

OK then you can go pick him up at 2am when the party winds down, just so you can have him home in bed next to you.

No, that's just wrong for a young man. No way.

 

C'mon Smackie. If the first year of your marriage your husband went sleeping at his buddies every darn Saturday night you'd be ok with it?

Of course, they're not married. Being a boyfriend and a newlywed husband are not even comparable situations.

[smackie9]

C'mon Smackie. If the first year of your marriage your husband went sleeping at his buddies every darn Saturday night you'd be ok with it?

Apples to oranges. Living together for the first year of dating I wouldn't consider that marriage or ever consider doing that in the first place.

 

The OP is being a push over. Set some damn boundaries that's all it takes...in the meantime he thinks it's OK so he's gonna take a mile. Why does it need an argument?....why can't it be a request/expectation? Is she having the argument in her head? Why is it such an issue to have a normal discussion about it? If it's fear of losing him, then none of them are anywhere near in a committed relationship.