hptalbot Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 (So before I go into the post here, I wrote a post last week about a girl I was talking to on OKC that I really just wanted to be friends with, this is not that girl and she is not involved) So I went out with someone this evening, first date, though she has flaked on me twice before (running a fever) and I've been talking to her for a little over a week. I'm kind of in a transitory period in my life right now and dating is really not high on my priority list, but if something happens I am open to it. Anyway, I've kind of told her where I am in life and she agrees that she wants to take things slow and not jump into a relationship. Tonight an old friend of mine who I occasionally hook up with texted me about "hanging out," which means she wants a booty call. We made plans for this Friday. Am I a total douche? If I have just started dating someone, do I need to drop other potential partners and sex this early in the process? The reason I ask is I was talking to my friends about it and I got the feeling they don't approve. I am honestly not sure if this is someone I want to date long term yet, and she has put out a few red flags. This new girl hasn't asked about other partners and has not said anything about exclusivity. Is it implied? I admit I can be a bit of a man slut, but I would never cheat on a person I am exclusive with. Do I need to curb my behaviors when dating a potential long term partner? Even early on?
flysolo Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 I don't see anything wrong with this. The date you had (I wouldn't even call this a date) sounded more like "hello let me introduce my self" session. There is no commitment yet from both sides and both you are just testing the waters. I think before the commitment line is set, whatever you're doing sounds reasonable and I take it as a part of life. But once you're committed, that's a whole different story. But as of now, this is nothing.
caitlinf33 Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 I think this is a personal decision, ie whether you can be involved with multiple people at the same time albeit for different reasons. But the short answer is no, I don't think there is any reason to stop seeing your friend with benefits for someone you have literally just started hanging out with. Leave that for further down the road when you two know each other better and have decided to make it exclusive (or you are at the point of wanting to make it exclusive). Please don't tell the new girl about your FWB though. A lot of people, men and women, don't understand the need for that and will think badly of you for seeing someone just for sex.
Author hptalbot Posted May 24, 2017 Author Posted May 24, 2017 I think this is a personal decision, ie whether you can be involved with multiple people at the same time albeit for different reasons. But the short answer is no, I don't think there is any reason to stop seeing your friend with benefits for someone you have literally just started hanging out with. Leave that for further down the road when you two know each other better and have decided to make it exclusive (or you are at the point of wanting to make it exclusive). Please don't tell the new girl about your FWB though. A lot of people, men and women, don't understand the need for that and will think badly of you for seeing someone just for sex. Gotcha, yeah not my first rodeo haha. I won't lie to her if she asks but I won't be like BTW I am boning this other chick Friday either. I was just kinda thrown by my friends' reaction so I thought I would ask and see. Admittedly, the most hostile one was a female friend who just got out of a relationship. She seemed pretty irked.
salparadise Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 Gotcha, yeah not my first rodeo haha. I won't lie to her if she asks but I won't be like BTW I am boning this other chick Friday either. I was just kinda thrown by my friends' reaction so I thought I would ask and see. Admittedly, the most hostile one was a female friend who just got out of a relationship. She seemed pretty irked. You mean if she asked if you're gettin' any, you'd say yea got my FWB lined up for Friday? Buzzt. Sidestep that one. Say something like, "well, I'm single and I date occasionally." It's none of her business unless/until you are something more than two singles who went on a date. Ah yes, the female friend. Women [some] intuitively relish the role of being the limiting factor, solely in control of selection. Collectively, women control access and determine which males are granted reproductive opportunities. Guys woo and pursue while females feign demure and enjoy the attention of a variety of suitors... and then they get to choose one. Very attractive women have a sense that they can have any man, but the inverse is definitely not true... then along comes a guy who doesn't play by their rules and they're not happy, understandably. The whole mating dance is based on the fact that they got it, and we want it... bad. Any change in that dynamic is not going to sit well [with certain individuals].
d0nnivain Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 Do I need to curb my behaviors when dating a potential long term partner? Even early on? In this day & age I think most savvy people assume a new partner may also be seeing others. Do what you like but be discrete. Once you promise to be exclusive with somebody then you do have to drop all the side action & FWB but before those promises are made, you are free to do whatever & whoever. You just can't lie to the new date / person in your life & make them think you are monogamous when you are not. 2
jjgitties Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 I admit I can be a bit of a man slut Cool. So I am a big believer, don't do unto others what you won't want to be done to you. Lets say she was sleeping around with her ex or other FWB's while she started dating you. What would you prefer? For her to let you know that she is currently sleeping with other men and is a "bit of a slut"? Would you prefer for her to not say anything to you and go out on nice dates but continue having sexual relationships with other men? How do you envision this dating relationship going somewhere while both of you are sleeping around with other people while at the same time dating? You said you don't want to get into a relationship? So are you hoping this dating turns into another "booty call" FWB relationship? All questions you need to ask and answer yourself. 1
Author hptalbot Posted May 24, 2017 Author Posted May 24, 2017 She can sleep with who she wants, I really don't care. I always assume women have some side action going early on. Again, I was really just thrown by the reactions of some of my friends and wanted to make sure I wasn't being a dick. Also I didn't say I don't want a relationship, I said I am not looking for one. In other words I am not actively pursuing women right now.
Miss Peach Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 If you aren't exclusive and have just met it's sort of a gray area IME but many people do it. Women won't like it because it makes you look like a jerk but I'm sure there are a lot of men who do it. As others mentioned, if/when you get to the point of wanting to be more serious, then all the side action needs to go away and you need to show her some respect.
preraph Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 You're okay at this point. But I think you know that if your new date begins to have feelings, you need to talk and see about being exclusive and let your fwb know to back off. Also, of course, if the subject comes up, tell her you're dating around right now until something gets serious, which you hope it does, so that way she can also date around.
Maggie4 Posted May 25, 2017 Posted May 25, 2017 When you are on a dating site, it is implied that you are available. Having sex with another is not what I consider really available as a potential partner. And I'm not the only one, I don't think. You can put that FWB info on your profile and see how many dates you can still get. However, you already told her dating is not high priority in your life right now. Basically you've told her that you are not really available. So I think you're ok.
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