Bonjour295 Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 In the past year I've grown very close to one of my coworkers. She told me that she had feelings for me about 5 months ago, and I told her I only thought of her as a friend (I have a lot of female friends). She distanced herself for about a month, but she eventually let her guard down and things went back to normal again. This time we got even closer. we hung out every day at lunch and we would hang out and text a lot, and talk a lot during work. I really like her company. We went out to a movie and dinner one night, and ever since then I found myself distancing myself from her, I don't know why. work got really busy. After about a month of that, she asked me if something was wrong but I told her nothing was wrong, I was just busy. She confessed her feelings again, and I told her again that I only thought of her as a friend. This time she told me that we she's sorry, but we can't be friends because it's too hard for her. She is amazing and I don't know what to do. I miss her and I've been thinking about her nonstop. She is so sweet and I have no idea why she likes me. I'm miserable and I can't figure out why. I understand her not wanting to be friends but it hurts. What do I do? 1
hercules22 Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 In the past year I've grown very close to one of my coworkers. She told me that she had feelings for me about 5 months ago, and I told her I only thought of her as a friend (I have a lot of female friends). She distanced herself for about a month, but she eventually let her guard down and things went back to normal again. This time we got even closer. we hung out every day at lunch and we would hang out and text a lot, and talk a lot during work. I really like her company. We went out to a movie and dinner one night, and ever since then I found myself distancing myself from her, I don't know why. work got really busy. After about a month of that, she asked me if something was wrong but I told her nothing was wrong, I was just busy. She confessed her feelings again, and I told her again that I only thought of her as a friend. This time she told me that we she's sorry, but we can't be friends because it's too hard for her. She is amazing and I don't know what to do. I miss her and I've been thinking about her nonstop. She is so sweet and I have no idea why she likes me. I'm miserable and I can't figure out why. I understand her not wanting to be friends but it hurts. What do I do? do u like this girl or simply will only see her as a friend and maybe you are thinking of her alot because you used to talk to each other alot and now its missing i would respect her decision if u still only want to be just friends friendzone is a nasty place lol i cant stand it myself i end up ending the friendship
frus69 Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 Do you miss her as a friend or do you have other feelings for her? Like sexually
Author Bonjour295 Posted May 24, 2017 Author Posted May 24, 2017 I have no idea. All I know is that I'm not sleeping and I miss her. She is adorable and has so many good traits, I never thought of her like that because I have a bunch of female friends and they are all just platonic. 1
flysolo Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 Have you been hurt in the past? It sounds to be like a little bit of insecurity distancing yourself from her for literally no reason and giving her the "was busy" excuse. It's as if you fear love. Turn this around and give her a chance. You don't think of her as just a friend. You miss her. You're losing sleep over her. Don't lie to her and don't lie to yourself. If you would die today, would you not regret that fact that you two could have been it? 1
Author Bonjour295 Posted May 24, 2017 Author Posted May 24, 2017 I already told her I understood we couldn't be friends so I think I blew my chance. And yes I've been very hurt, two relationships in particular.
frus69 Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 Im really confused. Do you want a relationship with her or not? Do you not know that? Do you not know if you are sexually attracted to her?
Author Bonjour295 Posted May 24, 2017 Author Posted May 24, 2017 I don't know anything right now. I didn't think I was sexually attracted to her, no. All I know is I miss her. Has this ever happened to you, where you didn't know how you felt? 1
frus69 Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 I didn't think I was sexually attracted to her, no. All I know is I miss her. If you have no urge of kissing her or having sex with her, you do not want to be in a relationship with her. What you feel is deep friendship. But I have to say it sounds very rare for opposite sex to have such deep friendships. I assume you are not attracted to men?
flysolo Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 I already told her I understood we couldn't be friends so I think I blew my chance. And yes I've been very hurt, two relationships in particular. Thought so. Please turn this around. You found someone in your life who likes/loves you. I don't think you miss the friendship. I think you miss her. I think you like her. Tell her to take your words back and tell her that you like her. I am 100% certain that you do. Tell her that you can't stop thinking about her. 1
mortensorchid Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 You sound like a commitment phobe to me. This is the "I just want to be friends" speech. You do like her somewhat, she likes you (and told you this not once but twice), but you don't go forward with it for some reason. Perhaps you've been hurt, perhaps you are insecure about something, etc., but whatever the reason you're not going forward. So either suck it up and go forth with the relationship, or walk away and start somewhere else THE RIGHT WAY. 3
Redhead14 Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 (edited) I have no idea why she likes me. -- Ah, the smell of insecurity and fear of being hurt . . . this will be the stumbling block for you for a long, long time unless you get a grip on that and figure out who you are, like yourself and your life and stop projecting the past onto current situations and be able to evaluate potential dating partners objectively, know what you want and be in the moment. The root of your problem lies in the highlighted statement above. That being said, if you really do like her for more than friendship, bite the bullet, tell her and then chillax and let things develop as they will or won't. Stop living in fear. Anytime I dated a guy who said something like that to me -- "I don't know why you're dating me", "I'm not good enough for you", etc., I stepped back from. They usually sabotage their relationships. Edited May 24, 2017 by Redhead14 1
kendahke Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 In the past year I've grown very close to one of my coworkers. She told me that she had feelings for me about 5 months ago, and I told her I only thought of her as a friend (I have a lot of female friends). She distanced herself for about a month, but she eventually let her guard down and things went back to normal again. This time we got even closer. we hung out every day at lunch and we would hang out and text a lot, and talk a lot during work. I really like her company. We went out to a movie and dinner one night, and ever since then I found myself distancing myself from her, I don't know why. work got really busy. After about a month of that, she asked me if something was wrong but I told her nothing was wrong, I was just busy. She confessed her feelings again, and I told her again that I only thought of her as a friend. This time she told me that we she's sorry, but we can't be friends because it's too hard for her. She is amazing and I don't know what to do. I miss her and I've been thinking about her nonstop. She is so sweet and I have no idea why she likes me. I'm miserable and I can't figure out why. I understand her not wanting to be friends but it hurts. What do I do? What you are doing is cruel and thoughtless. I don't blame her for telling you that she can't be friends--because she doesn't want to be one of a number: she wants to be your woman. If you can't do that, then you need to quit dealing with her--that would be the fair thing to do. If all you're going to do is keep this woman as a platonic co-worker, then stop hanging out with her, stop going to movies with her and stop allowing her to "get even closer"---get over your feelings because you're telling her to do exactly that. You're being double-minded. Your words are not matching your actions. If "no" means "no", then you don't keep to the same level of involvement. You don't lead her on and allow her to let her guard down with you to then round on her and smack her back down with "I said no". You back away and understand all actions have consequences. This one being: you don't get to have your way and then tell her she doesn't get a fraction of what you seem to believe you should get because you keep encouraging her by hanging out with her. Stop being selfish. She doesn't deserve this. 1
Author Bonjour295 Posted May 24, 2017 Author Posted May 24, 2017 I appreciate your honesty, but I honestly don't know what I'm feeling - I'm not being selfish on purpose. I do have anxiety and I've suffered from depression in the past. It kills me that I've made this hard on her but it also kills me that I won't be seeing her all the time and being around her. I have never had a situation with a girl work out well, so I'm taken aback by her liking me. 1
Author Bonjour295 Posted May 24, 2017 Author Posted May 24, 2017 I frustrate myself. I don't want to hurt her but I also feel like I will inevitably **** this up and she'll hate me. I lost her already though so I've already ****ed up.
Kamille Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 Have you been interested in anyone since the end of your last relationship? It's ok to not feel like this woman is the one for you. And yes, it can be hard to let the friendship go, but this is what she needs to do for herself. Respect her wishes. I am sorry that you're hurting. It's hard losing a friendship, especially that of someone you see every day. 1
isolatedgothic Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 The more I read the posts, the more I think that you do not want her as a girlfriend. You want her there to meet your need for friendship. She is perhaps different from your other friends. Perhaps there is a chemistry there that makes you want to pursue a friendship. You are okay with that. However, the moment she rejected you, she suddenly became a confusing mystery to you, and now you cannot stop thinking of her. She isn't like the other girls. She has become aloof and self assured, as opposed to clingy and needy and willing to take whatever you toss her. She has become a challenge. It isn't often that a woman would choose not to be anything more than a friend, right? So now in your mind, there is something different, mysterious, alluring about her. Please leave her alone. You had a chance with her. You chose to not meet her where she is - she wants a relationship, and you want a friendship. Your thinking on that was perfectly clear...until she pulled away from you this time. Just walk away. Don't convince yourself you want anything more. If you did, you'd have known long before this. Your interest in her skyrocketed when she was strong and walked away. That isn't true interest. That's a challenge. Don't be that guy. 1
Author Bonjour295 Posted May 24, 2017 Author Posted May 24, 2017 I've had a couple crushes, but nothing that I've wanted to pursue. I didn't have a crush on this girl though, it was more that I just wanted to be around her all the time. I didn't think I thought of her in a sexual way but now I don't know if that's what I was feeling, I just didn't realize it. I'm confused by my own feelings.
Author Bonjour295 Posted May 24, 2017 Author Posted May 24, 2017 It doesn't surprise me that she's dropped me as a friend - she's very strong and knows how to navigate emotional situations (which I obviously don't.) I didn't realize it would hit me like this. I thought it would be a bummer, but not this sad or devastating. I feel like I need time to think about how I feel, but I'm worried if I do realize I love her it'll be too late. Now I've lost her for good, so I guess it's already too late. (It's been a few days since she told me she can't be friends).
TaxMan Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 I think you need to do a little self-examination and come to some kind of conclusion about WHY you miss her so much. Honestly, I have had friends come and go but I have never experienced the kind of sleepless nights, anxiety and suffering you seem to be having except when I lost a ROMANTIC relationship. So maybe you need to explore your feelings and determine if you actually do like her romantically. I'd advise you though, that you should be SURE of what you want before you approach her (if you approach her) about attempting a romantic relationship. Because she already is invested in you, she has feelings, and if you're not "all in" then she's going to get hurt. You owe it to her to be honest with her, but it doesn't sound yet like you've figured out what an honest answer would be. That's step one. Also, I don't think you missed your chance. People's feelings don't disappear overnight, that takes time, IMO. If she liked you a few days ago, she still does. 5
Noideanow Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 Feelings is not like some words in your head saying i feel This or i feel that, they just Are. everybody Can think i dont love him or i love her or even say it, doesnt Make it true, feelings can only Be felt** so you drive yourself insane thinking you Can think How you feel.. You want to Be around her all the time... If that isnt love\falling in love whatever Language we speak or If we Call it **** doesnt matter it still is the way you feel, sorry for being a bit tence with you thats My personal situation leaving me..and btw just because yoube Been Hurt in the past doesnt Make it ok to Hurt people yourself 1
Author Bonjour295 Posted May 25, 2017 Author Posted May 25, 2017 I know, you're right. I think I need to figure out what I want before I talk to her again. I just didn't foresee myself being so upset about this. Obviously I wanted to remain friends, but when I sent her the text message saying I was okay and I respected her wishes, I didn't realize I'd be so miserable. I thought I'd be bummed, but that it would pass. I also didn't realize how much I had apparently hurt her. I didn't realize she likes me enough to not want to be friends because it's too hard. It's all just very confusing to me. 2
flysolo Posted May 25, 2017 Posted May 25, 2017 What a terribly unfortunate sad situation. You can still get her back but you refuse to. Classic example of a sad love story. I wish you were man enough to just give it a chance with her. Nevermind all the B.S you keep feeding yourself. Just give it a damn try. God damn it. Makes me want to slap you almost and snap you back into reality.
frus69 Posted May 25, 2017 Posted May 25, 2017 What a terribly unfortunate sad situation. You can still get her back but you refuse to. Classic example of a sad love story. I wish you were man enough to just give it a chance with her. Nevermind all the B.S you keep feeding yourself. Just give it a damn try. God damn it. Makes me want to slap you almost and snap you back into reality. Why do you want him to try when he doesn't even feel sexually attracted to her? It's just sad if he needs to force himself to kiss her.
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