A little worried [about work related meeting - update: affair ended]

May 24, 2017

Not that it matters, but like I said its been on/off. There have been chunks of time where we werent even in contact. So it wasnt going on the entire 5 years. Again not that that makes a difference just stating that for reference.

But you were still involved...you still had feelings for him or you would have broken it off then. So you were still caught up in this relationship living a double life. Haven't you been afraid that either his wife would find out or your husband would find out? What in this relationship makes it worth the risk for this length of time? Do you love him more than your husband? I really dont understand.

I cheated on my husband...i had one physical encounter. I told my mother and asked her advice because i was scared to death. I then told my husband.

I cannot imagine living in that fear all the time. It must be awful....knowing you are hiding secrets that could blow up in your face.

Do you have children?

May 24, 2017

I dont know what I'm afraid of when it comes to ending this to be honest. Maybe I'm afraid of the pain that comes with ending it. If I ended it I know he would respect my decision and let me go if that was what I wanted. He is not going to end it, it has to come from me. I know this. But my heart is struggling.

Well, and I say this w no malice, you are so afraid to end this because it's the one thing you have. It's the one relationship you have that's real. MM is the one person you aren't lying to.

You basically gave up EVERYTHING for this--your marriage (your husband hardly even knows you and the double life you've been living the past 5 years), even your self-respect it sounds like (it's hard to like yourself when you are lying to so many people close to you for so long). So seeing how much you gave up for this affair, no wonder why you are holding on to it still.

Edited May 24, 2017 by Imajerk17

May 24, 2017

You wouldn't be having panics attacks if you were not having an inappropriate relationship. I don't mean to be dismissive, but it would seem that the solution to the panic attack is pretty obvious...

You know what you have to do. You need to find the courage to do it.

May 24, 2017

No one knows. And right now I am not planning on telling my husband. Not something I am willing to discuss here at this time.

I dont know what I'm afraid of when it comes to ending this to be honest. Maybe I'm afraid of the pain that comes with ending it. If I ended it I know he would respect my decision and let me go if that was what I wanted. He is not going to end it, it has to come from me. I know this. But my heart is struggling.

Hi Blu, I think I understand a little of what you are going through. I'm just starting my journey (yet again) of letting go of my MM after having an on/off relationship for a few years. It's hard to let go and hard to imagine what life would be like especially since he has been in your mind and heart for so long. I guess it comes down to whether you are ok with the push and pull of this relationship and of all of the negative emotions and uncertainty that come with it. I'm not sure you've reached your bottom yet... Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know you've been heard.

May 24, 2017

Hi Blu, I think I understand a little of what you are going through. I'm just starting my journey (yet again) of letting go of my MM after having an on/off relationship for a few years. It's hard to let go and hard to imagine what life would be like especially since he has been in your mind and heart for so long. I guess it comes down to whether you are ok with the push and pull of this relationship and of all of the negative emotions and uncertainty that come with it. I'm not sure you've reached your bottom yet... Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know you've been heard.

Thank you for that. I have decided to delegate my portion of the event to someone else. Someone who has been wanting the experience of this event. So I won't be there. Unfortunately I will still be in the same building because its where I work but I wont be in attendance at the event. After this event in a week I plan to just tell him I want it done. I dont want to do it before incase I do end up running into him on that day or he tries to see me. I'll let you know how it goes. Thank you for listening.

May 24, 2017

Blu, it is very easy to keep putting an action off when one is not being held accountable for that action. Is there a therapist or a trusted friend you can confide in, who can keep you accountable? Or your husband? I will say that if I did not have a d-day, I probably would've eventually reached out to xAP again. But knowing I was accountable to my H actually made it easier to not reach out and focus that energy on mine and my husband's healing. Good luck.

May 24, 2017

Blu, it is very easy to keep putting an action off when one is not being held accountable for that action. Is there a therapist or a trusted friend you can confide in, who can keep you accountable? Or your husband? I will say that if I did not have a d-day, I probably would've eventually reached out to xAP again. But knowing I was accountable to my H actually made it easier to not reach out and focus that energy on mine and my husband's healing. Good luck.

Thank you. I do have a trusted friend who knew about it in the beginning but I dont discuss it with her. She thinks it was over a long time ago. i mean I could discuss it with her, but she has alot going on so not the best thing to do laying all this on her right now. Once I say the words I will be done. I have for the most part been strong with not reaching out to him. He usually is the one to reach out. Once I say "its done" and he accepts it which I feel he will if thats what I want, I will go complete NC and block. I just have to get thru next week and after the event I will tell him. If I do it before I know he might try to see me or I will run into him and it will set me back. Him and I do not run in the same social circles so running in to him would be extremely rare where we live. So once its done I wont see him. We do share the same professional circle of friends but nothing outside of that.

May 25, 2017

I ran in to him today at work. I guess he was there to go over some stuff for the upcoming business function next week. It was unexpected. He pinged me that he was in the building and wanted to say "hi". As I was checking my email on my phone in the hall and saw his message, he was already turning the corner walking toward me. We talked for about 15-20 min. All business related and some idle talk about some of our mutual friends. He did tell me it was nice to see me and wished we could get together soon. I told him we needed to talk. Before he could respond, one of his colleagues approached us and they were back to their meeting. When he walked away, he turned back to look at me and he had this horrid look on his face. He knows its coming. I expected him to email me to ask me what I meant. He hasnt and I dont expect him to because he doesnt want me to say its over. So after the event next week, I will email him and tell him its over and Im going NC.

May 30, 2017

MM emailed me this weekend to inquire about what I meant when I said "we needed to talk" when we saw each other last week. Im not going to lie, my first instinct was to brush it off and tell him we could talk sometime after the event in a few days. I really wasnt up for having the convo with him and was still afraid if I brought it up now he might attempt to see me in a few days while at the work event and try to change my mind. But I have been rattled emotionally since seeing him last week and I'm so drained from all of it.

I told him we had to be done with this once and for all. I couldnt continue anymore as it is killing me inside. He said he had been expecting this for a long time due to my distancing myself from him this past year. (I didnt think he noticed). He also told me that he has felt for a long time that I have been waiting for him to say something - anything to me about his feelings. (again, I never thought he picked up on this - but its true). I told him it didnt much matter now either way because it wouldnt change anything. He told me he loved me and he had been afraid to say the words. He asked me not to end it this way without seeing him first. He needed to "explain" some things that had been left unsaid for far too long. He asked if we could go have a drink next week after the event. I told him I wouldnt be at the event afterall and that I felt it best we say our goodbyes now. He continued to say he needed to see me and that he didnt want to lose me. I suprisingly stayed firm and told him I was sorry but we made a mess of everything and there wasnt much more we could say to change that. He asked if that also meant we could no longer be friends. I told him we ended our friendship the day we crossed that line and we could never go back to that. There was some more back and forth, but for the most part just alot of rehashing everything. He finally relented and said he would let me go if that was what I truly wanted. And it is...so we said our final goodbyes and I asked him not to attempt to see me in a few days while he is at the event. And I asked him to no longer contact me. He promised he wouldnt, but said he wasnt closing the door on me if I wanted to reach out. I told him I had to close the door this time. And with that, I blocked him whereever I could and cried myself to sleep.

Today I feel numb. Thank you for listening.

May 30, 2017

Well, at least you said goodbye rather than pull one of those cowardly ghosting moves.

You did the semi-courageous thing, the only thing more you could have done would have been to end it in person. Maybe you're not committed enough to the goal to do that, I don't know.

You basically gave up EVERYTHING for this--your marriage (your husband hardly even knows you and the double life you've been living the past 5 years), even your self-respect it sounds like (it's hard to like yourself when you are lying to so many people close to you for so long). So seeing how much you gave up for this affair, no wonder why you are holding on to it still.

Not flattering, but it sounds mostly true, and that's a lot to give up. In essence, you're starting fresh again.

I wish you luck and happiness in the next chapter of your life, whatever that is.

May 30, 2017

Well, at least you said goodbye rather than pull one of those cowardly ghosting moves.

You did the semi-courageous thing, the only thing more you could have done would have been to end it in person. Maybe you're not committed enough to the goal to do that, I don't know.

If I had done this in person, I would have been too weak to follow thru. Especially knowing the things he was saying to me....some of which have never been said by him to me before. Did he truly mean some of those things OR were they just a deperate attempt at keeping me on the hook? I guess I will never truly know for sure, but I'd like to think he meant them. Knowing him for as long as I have, I believe he does love me. But again, it doesn't really matter given the situation. It won't change anything. Did a part of me want to scream at him for waiting to say those things now when I am ending things - yes. After all this time, a part of me didnt really care anymore. So I'm torn..but I've got to let it go. Thank you for you words of encouragement.

May 30, 2017

MM emailed me this weekend to inquire about what I meant when I said "we needed to talk" when we saw each other last week. Im not going to lie, my first instinct was to brush it off and tell him we could talk sometime after the event in a few days. I really wasnt up for having the convo with him and was still afraid if I brought it up now he might attempt to see me in a few days while at the work event and try to change my mind. But I have been rattled emotionally since seeing him last week and I'm so drained from all of it.

I told him we had to be done with this once and for all. I couldnt continue anymore as it is killing me inside. He said he had been expecting this for a long time due to my distancing myself from him this past year. (I didnt think he noticed). He also told me that he has felt for a long time that I have been waiting for him to say something - anything to me about his feelings. (again, I never thought he picked up on this - but its true). I told him it didnt much matter now either way because it wouldnt change anything. He told me he loved me and he had been afraid to say the words. He asked me not to end it this way without seeing him first. He needed to "explain" some things that had been left unsaid for far too long. He asked if we could go have a drink next week after the event. I told him I wouldnt be at the event afterall and that I felt it best we say our goodbyes now. He continued to say he needed to see me and that he didnt want to lose me. I suprisingly stayed firm and told him I was sorry but we made a mess of everything and there wasnt much more we could say to change that. He asked if that also meant we could no longer be friends. I told him we ended our friendship the day we crossed that line and we could never go back to that. There was some more back and forth, but for the most part just alot of rehashing everything. He finally relented and said he would let me go if that was what I truly wanted. And it is...so we said our final goodbyes and I asked him not to attempt to see me in a few days while he is at the event. And I asked him to no longer contact me. He promised he wouldnt, but said he wasnt closing the door on me if I wanted to reach out. I told him I had to close the door this time. And with that, I blocked him whereever I could and cried myself to sleep.

Today I feel numb. Thank you for listening.

Good for you. Let's hope that he cares enough about you to respect your decision. If he doesn't, it will show that he cares more about his own selfish interests than your well being. Stay strong!

May 30, 2017

MM emailed me this weekend to inquire about what I meant when I said "we needed to talk" when we saw each other last week. Im not going to lie, my first instinct was to brush it off and tell him we could talk sometime after the event in a few days. I really wasnt up for having the convo with him and was still afraid if I brought it up now he might attempt to see me in a few days while at the work event and try to change my mind. But I have been rattled emotionally since seeing him last week and I'm so drained from all of it.

I told him we had to be done with this once and for all. I couldnt continue anymore as it is killing me inside. He said he had been expecting this for a long time due to my distancing myself from him this past year. (I didnt think he noticed). He also told me that he has felt for a long time that I have been waiting for him to say something - anything to me about his feelings. (again, I never thought he picked up on this - but its true). I told him it didnt much matter now either way because it wouldnt change anything. He told me he loved me and he had been afraid to say the words. He asked me not to end it this way without seeing him first. He needed to "explain" some things that had been left unsaid for far too long. He asked if we could go have a drink next week after the event. I told him I wouldnt be at the event afterall and that I felt it best we say our goodbyes now. He continued to say he needed to see me and that he didnt want to lose me. I suprisingly stayed firm and told him I was sorry but we made a mess of everything and there wasnt much more we could say to change that. He asked if that also meant we could no longer be friends. I told him we ended our friendship the day we crossed that line and we could never go back to that. There was some more back and forth, but for the most part just alot of rehashing everything. He finally relented and said he would let me go if that was what I truly wanted. And it is...so we said our final goodbyes and I asked him not to attempt to see me in a few days while he is at the event. And I asked him to no longer contact me. He promised he wouldnt, but said he wasnt closing the door on me if I wanted to reach out. I told him I had to close the door this time. And with that, I blocked him whereever I could and cried myself to sleep.

Today I feel numb. Thank you for listening.

Oh Blu, big hugs to you! That must have been so hard. Good for you for being decisive, clear and firm. I feel like there are similarities in our stories, but you have been strong and courageous where I haven't been. Even though I know you are going through such a hard time, I know there are better days ahead for you. Take care!

May 30, 2017

If I had done this in person, I would have been too weak to follow thru. Especially knowing the things he was saying to me....some of which have never been said by him to me before. Did he truly mean some of those things OR were they just a deperate attempt at keeping me on the hook? I guess I will never truly know for sure, but I'd like to think he meant them. Knowing him for as long as I have, I believe he does love me. But again, it doesn't really matter given the situation. It won't change anything. Did a part of me want to scream at him for waiting to say those things now when I am ending things - yes. After all this time, a part of me didnt really care anymore. So I'm torn..but I've got to let it go. Thank you for you words of encouragement.

Your answers will come with distance, right now you are too close and can't see the Forrest because of those damn trees. As you reflect, with distance you will come to understand if his actions matched his words, my guess from the nature of the relationship it will be a solid no.

Now, if you're truly ready for this to be over than it's time to turn your attention to your husband and figure out how to tell him. Otherwise, in a month or two it will be square one.

Good luck

May 30, 2017

Oh Blu, big hugs to you! That must have been so hard. Good for you for being decisive, clear and firm. I feel like there are similarities in our stories, but you have been strong and courageous where I haven't been. Even though I know you are going through such a hard time, I know there are better days ahead for you. Take care!

Thank you so much for your kind and uplifting words. I don't feel very strong considering I got myself in the mess to begin with. But I'm glad I finally said the words to him. I'm looking forward to moving far away from this chapter in my life.

May 30, 2017

Good for you. Let's hope that he cares enough about you to respect your decision. If he doesn't, it will show that he cares more about his own selfish interests than your well being. Stay strong!

Well the one place I didnt get the chance to block was my work email. I had planned to when I got to work this morning. He hasnt used that email in over a year, but when I logged on this morning there sat an email from him. He had sent it shortly after our goodbye email this weekend. I shouldn't have read it. He just kept saying over and over how sorry he was for everything. That he never meant for things to become such a mess between us. How he wished I wouldn't end things this way, but he understood why. That he was sorry for this email when he had said he would let me go, but that he had been going over everything in his head and felt he didnt get to say everything he needed to say. He knew I wouldnt respond, but he had to get it all out. Long/story short - he just continued to reiterate his feelings for me and why he has held back from voicing them with words. He knew it wouldn't change anything, but he couldn't let me go without me knowing everything. He didn't want me walking away thinking I wasnt in his heart. He said his final goodbyes and again told me the door was open for me if I ever wanted to reach out to him, but he would respect my decision and space from here on out.

I wanted to respond out of weakness. This man usually runs from these type of emotions for reasons I won't get into here. But seeing him open up like this, when I know how hard it is for him, about gutted me. But instead of responding, I deleted the email and blocked him from my work email.

Now I'm a mess - but I can't go back.

May 30, 2017

Your answers will come with distance, right now you are too close and can't see the Forrest because of those damn trees. As you reflect, with distance you will come to understand if his actions matched his words, my guess from the nature of the relationship it will be a solid no.

Now, if you're truly ready for this to be over than it's time to turn your attention to your husband and figure out how to tell him. Otherwise, in a month or two it will be square one.

Good luck

Thank you. I have a lot of work to do to get back to me.

May 30, 2017

Big ups to you Blu to doing the right thing.

I am curious though--where is your husband in all this? I mean, you clearly was having an awful day yesterday, either he didn't notice that (which doesn't sound like any connection), or he DID notice that and suspects something is up.

May 30, 2017

Big ups to you Blu to doing the right thing.

I am curious though--where is your husband in all this? I mean, you clearly was having an awful day yesterday, either he didn't notice that (which doesn't sound like any connection), or he DID notice that and suspects something is up.

He was out of town. I'm doing as well as can be expected considering. At least on the outside. I let it go in private.

May 30, 2017

He was out of town. I'm doing as well as can be expected considering. At least on the outside. I let it go in private.

I understand that due to you compartmentalizing the two relationships you don't like to connect your marriage to the affair, I believe it's how you've allowed yourself to maintain the affair for so long. However, it's that same ability that will (most likely) aide your return to the affair.

Don't get me wrong, this is a positive step in the right direction. Do at some point you will have to deal with how this has impacted your marriage and family, no matter if you confess or not.

I believe you love your husband, which is why unlike many WW here you don't talk about him. Almost like if you don't it can't hurt him...But it's time, it's time to start having those conversations, at least with yourself.

May 30, 2017

I understand that due to you compartmentalizing the two relationships you don't like to connect your marriage to the affair, I believe it's how you've allowed yourself to maintain the affair for so long. However, it's that same ability that will (most likely) aide your return to the affair.

Don't get me wrong, this is a positive step in the right direction. Do at some point you will have to deal with how this has impacted your marriage and family, no matter if you confess or not.

I believe you love your husband, which is why unlike many WW here you don't talk about him. Almost like if you don't it can't hurt him...But it's time, it's time to start having those conversations, at least with yourself.

I have never been comfortable discussing my marriage in this forum, and I likely never will. But I will be discussing it in therapy. I will say this - my marriage wasn't really the issue - it is all me and me alone.

May 30, 2017

I have never been comfortable discussing my marriage in this forum, and I likely never will. But I will be discussing it in therapy. I will say this - my marriage wasn't really the issue - it is all me and me alone.

You do understand that your husband won't see it this way? It will have a much deeper impact on him than simply saying "it's her issue" he will think it was him lacking what you desired, he will see himself as not enough.

BTW, I know you won't discuss it here, I've tried to draw it out of you since you've come here, and got nothing. That's why I saying that you will have to start making the connection between the two within.

I know waywards tend to believe that the spouse knowing is the only way they get hurt. That is simply not true, no matter how hard one works to convince themselves of it. In many aspects you have replaced your husband with MM, you have given away parts of your self that weren't meant for any other man (and I'm not talking sex). At least for me, the sex part was easiest to get over. Your affair has already damaged your marriage without you knowing what your husband knows. I say that, because most BS are not clueless and know things are off. I recall one WW who was shocked when she confessed and her husband named her AP. He had known for a while. I think I also knew the whole time. Slight shifts say alot, accepting it is another story.

One step at a time, just keep stepping away from AP.....just remember, addicts can rarely kick a habit on thier own, those thinking they can fail. Give yourself room to be successful no matter the outcome.

May 30, 2017

We won't be able to talk in a personal manner other than just hello and conversation in relation to the event. So Im not worried about that. Im worried about the setback of seeing him especially if its for more than just a quick hello.

Turn it around. It could be an opportunity to show yourself how far you've come. Prepare before hand, be mentally ready and go in with an attitude that he won;t be able to get to you.

May 30, 2017

You do understand that your husband won't see it this way? It will have a much deeper impact on him than simply saying "it's her issue" he will think it was him lacking what you desired, he will see himself as not enough.

BTW, I know you won't discuss it here, I've tried to draw it out of you since you've come here, and got nothing. That's why I saying that you will have to start making the connection between the two within.

I know waywards tend to believe that the spouse knowing is the only way they get hurt. That is simply not true, no matter how hard one works to convince themselves of it. In many aspects you have replaced your husband with MM, you have given away parts of your self that weren't meant for any other man (and I'm not talking sex). At least for me, the sex part was easiest to get over. Your affair has already damaged your marriage without you knowing what your husband knows. I say that, because most BS are not clueless and know things are off. I recall one WW who was shocked when she confessed and her husband named her AP. He had known for a while. I think I also knew the whole time. Slight shifts say alot, accepting it is another story.

One step at a time, just keep stepping away from AP.....just remember, addicts can rarely kick a habit on thier own, those thinking they can fail. Give yourself room to be successful no matter the outcome.

No I completely understand he wouldnt see it that way. I'm just speaking the truth of the matter here. After alot of soul searching I have come to know how I ended up here in this place. I have never blamed him. And the few times I attempted to in my head to make myself feel less ****ty, I stopped it because I knew that was far from the truth. And thats all I care to discuss about it here right now.

I'm trying to work on it.

May 30, 2017

No I completely understand he wouldnt see it that way. I'm just speaking the truth of the matter here. After alot of soul searching I have come to know how I ended up here in this place. I have never blamed him. And the few times I attempted to in my head to make myself feel less ****ty, I stopped it because I knew that was far from the truth. And thats all I care to discuss about it here right now.

I'm trying to work on it.

I don't want to make you uncomfortable, chasing you will accomplish nothing, so my last comment on the topic. Im not talking about blaming your husband, I'm talking about drawing a connection between your marriage and your affair. Taking responsibility for the damage done to your husband and kids (don't recall you mentioning kids). I'm talking about understanding that you have to take to give, you take away from husband to give to MM. You seem to operate under the delusion that the two are separate that your affair has no impact on your marriage. I've have never seen the total lack of connection here from any other WS. I don't think that's a bad thing, I think to a degree you love and respect your husband, but have still been too selfish to allow yourself to make the connection doing so would mean accepting that you had to end the affair. As i said, to me it seems the only way you could have done it. Like wearing two faces. Impossible to have them both on at the same time.

I'm not trying to get you to talk about it here, just something to consider. Don't feel obligated to respond.

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