JusttMe Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. He has a career and I'm still in school. We don't live together because we both can't afford to live on our own at the moment. We often talk about looking, once I'm done school in the next 4 years (hopefully!). I am in love with him. I think we are really great for each other. But there are times where I question if he really is right for me. We don't argue more than what I assume the typical couple argues, and it's usually about the little things and not huge issues. But when we do argue he's very stubborn. He is always right in his mind, even when he is clearly wrong. He doesn't consider my point of view and it always ends up as me 'letting him win' and just trying to not let what it is bother me. Recently I didn't tell him why I was upset about something he did because I knew he'd brush it off as me being ridiculous, or him getting upset as a result of him thinking the reason I was upset was dumb. Is he controlling? I know I probably should have confronted him because it's not healthy to hold back in a relationship right? I just feel like sometimes he doesn't understand that I'm a very emotional person and little things upset me. Trying to think of everything that pisses me off about him, I realize that it's just little things, or they seem like little things to me. I honestly have no idea where I was heading with the post.. Sometimes (very rarely, but these thoughts do occur), I feel like I need a break from him and then when I really think about it, I feel like I won't be able to take a break from him even if I wanted. Am I stuck? Am I foolish? Am I worrying about nothing?
neowulf Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 I honestly have no idea where I was heading with the post.. Sometimes (very rarely, but these thoughts do occur), I feel like I need a break from him and then when I really think about it, I feel like I won't be able to take a break from him even if I wanted. Am I stuck? Am I foolish? Am I worrying about nothing? It's not foolish to ask questions about what amounts to the most important relationship in your life. I think you're right to be concerned about the way your boyfriend argues. The real issue is, can he accept that it's a problem for you and what will he do to meet you half way. All Couples Fight. Here's How Successful Couples Do It Differently. | HuffPost I often lose my cool in arguments. I'll get emotional, sometimes yell. Yet, without fail, I respectfully apologize and continue the work to try and minimize the instances of when this occurs. I'll probably never be perfect. I'm a passionate guy. My partner see's that I'm trying my best to improve. She cuts be a little slack and I try even harder to manage my outbursts. Most of all, I respect her opinions, even when I don't always agree with them. That's the signs of a healthy way to argue. If you're not getting ahead of that now, it's going to come back and bite you down the road. Do *not* underestimate how destructive little things can be if you fail to address them early.
mortensorchid Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 There are a lot of little things that can bother you about a person rather than big ones. You are going to be having the same arguments about the same things for the rest of your lives. Fact. It's not going to change. LTRs are hard things because of this. I don't think there is a secret to it except that you have to want to stay together. People are not being taught tolerance, they're being taught intolerance. Intolerance as in "it's all about me", narcissistic, if it's not perfect change it, etc. But you have to laugh as much as you can with and at each other, and know that this is what it is. Unfortunately no one seems to know this about LTRs. And I (like a lot of others) encounter this problem over and over again. So either accept it as it is, or break up.
d0nnivain Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 You have been together a while but you have never been in a mature relationship. Over the next 4 years while you are finishing school, you will both grow & change. Let that happen. If it's meant to be, you will grow closer & your bond with strengthen. Once you have your degree in hand, if you are still together then you can analyze forever as adults. For now, have fun & enjoy the ride. There are a lot of changes ahead
Gaeta Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. He has a career and I'm still in school. We don't live together because we both can't afford to live on our own at the moment. We often talk about looking, once I'm done school in the next 4 years (hopefully!). I have a hard time doing the math here. You have been dating for 5 years and you still have 4 years of school? How old are you 2? II am in love with him. I think we are really great for each other. Why do you think you are great for each other? because the rest of your story is all about why you are not so great for each other. He is always right in his mind, even when he is clearly wrong. He doesn't consider my point of view and it always ends up as me 'letting him win' and just trying to not let what it is bother me. What you are describing is an emotionally immature man. There is no way to know if he will every grow that maturity. He can remain like this for the rest of his life and this is a very ugly character trait. I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who can never say he is sorry. Recently I didn't tell him why I was upset about something he did because I knew he'd brush it off as me being ridiculous, or him getting upset as a result of him thinking the reason I was upset was dumb. Is he controlling? I know I probably should have confronted him because it's not healthy to hold back in a relationship right? I just feel like sometimes he doesn't understand that I'm a very emotional person and little things upset me. This is something else. If you are overly sensitive and are getting hurt at every moment of the day it's getting very old to him. Maybe he doesn't want to hear about it because your getting ridiculous with being offended all the time. Give us an example of things you are getting upset over. honestly have no idea where I was heading with the post.. Sometimes (very rarely, but these thoughts do occur), I feel like I need a break from him and then when I really think about it, I feel like I won't be able to take a break from him even if I wanted. Am I stuck? Am I foolish? Am I worrying about nothing? When one of the 2 start thinking of taking a 'break' it's usually because they need to break up and they can't face it. .
Author JusttMe Posted May 25, 2017 Author Posted May 25, 2017 I have a hard time doing the math here. You have been dating for 5 years and you still have 4 years of school? How old are you 2?. I spent a year in a program I didn't like and then took the following year off. I'm just starting a new program this year and will hopefully be done in 4 years. I am 21 and he is 29. Why do you think you are great for each other? because the rest of your story is all about why you are not so great for each other. . We make each other happy and have lots of really good times. We're always there for each other, we make each other laugh, and sometimes balance each other out really nicely. We value each other and share a mutual respect as well (except when we argue and he doesn't want to try to understand my point of view lol). He's really not a bad guy, he is very caring and loving and genuine.. his less attractive quality of stubbornness is really the only valid complaint I can really make. This is something else. If you are overly sensitive and are getting hurt at every moment of the day it's getting very old to him. Maybe he doesn't want to hear about it because your getting ridiculous with being offended all the time. Give us an example of things you are getting upset over. . Yes, I am overly sensitive. And maybe I'm still growing up and learning how to deal with this? Is this something that changes in a person or is it just how my personality is? I've worked as a bartender the past 3 years, so my hours have always been open-close (10am-3am) on Fridays and Saturdays. I booked Sundays off so that we could have at least one day together. I just got a new job, and being in school now, I'm working less hours and find myself free on the weekends more. I get upset when I'm free on the weekends and he decides to go out with his buddies instead. And obviously it's unfair of me to expect him to be with me every second.. but sometimes when I haven't seen him for the whole week I get on edge about it. This past weekend was a long weekend and I booked it off to spend with him and maybe go on a mini vacation. He forgot and made plans with his friends on the Friday. So I didn't see him then. On the Saturday morning he said he was going to go help his grandfather with his garden and he won't see me until the evening around 5pm. I was kinda upset because I requested off the busiest days for me, and I'm not seeing him anyway. So I got upset and told him not to bother to come by because I was in a mood. Saw him Sunday (like we usually would) and I was pretty bitter that I gave up a money making weekend to sit around and wait for him. - Especially because I'm not working as much as I used to. All of my friends work as servers and bartenders so they're always at work on the weekends and when I'm not with him, I'm just by myself. I'm not a very independent person. I like being with someone most of the time. He's completely opposite. Maybe I just need to learn to be more independent and do things on my own more often? Some of the other little things are that he's on his phone a lot when we're together. Early in the relationship he mentioned that I was on my phone a lot when we were together and I stopped that. Later on in the relationship I find he's on his phone a lot. I've told him this a couple times now but I don't see much of a difference, he thinks I'm just being overdramatic. I also hate when he texts and drives because well, it's not safe.. and also against the law. I always ask him if he can wait to reply until we get where we're going, or I'll ask him if he wants me to type his reply for him and he always says no and just does it himself. But these are just little things that annoy me sometimes and I'm sure it's a habit that will change overtime, so I try not to let it bug me TOO much. When we do hang out, he usually takes off around 10pm, to play video games online with his friends. It never bothers me on the weeknights, but when it's a Saturday night and he bails on me to go play video games it kinda leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Meanwhile when he's out with his friends on the weekend he'll stay out super late, past 2am sometimes, and that makes me kinda jealous that he doesn't stay out as late with me sometimes. And maybe it's just because he knows I'll always be here for him? Idk. Another thing that really bugs me is that he plays on like 3 sports teams each season and it's difficult to find time to spend together. I guess I'm noticing most of my issues with him have to be with spending time him. I Just want to be with him all the time and he enjoys having time to himself sometimes. I understand that I can't demand that he's with me every second.. and maybe this is something I need to work on as well? He's very extroverted, always has a huge circle of friends that he's constantly in touch with and always making plans with. Whereas myself, I'm more introverted, small circle of friends who I don't keep in contact with as much as he does, and I prefer to be with him over my friends most times, to be honest. So I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm clingy, dependant and emotionally unstable lol. What are some things that I can do to try to overcome these challenges that I face? I really do want our relationship to stay solid for many, many years to come, but I guess I need to take a look at myself and start to change the way I handle and view certain situations. God bless him for putting up with me.. lol.. You have been together a while but you have never been in a mature relationship. Over the next 4 years while you are finishing school, you will both grow & change. Let that happen. If it's meant to be, you will grow closer & your bond with strengthen. Once you have your degree in hand, if you are still together then you can analyze forever as adults. For now, have fun & enjoy the ride. There are a lot of changes ahead You have a really good point.. I can see I still have a lot of growing up to do. I guess I should try not to overcomplicate things now and let us just be.
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