Birdman56 Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 Hey all, I started dating this girl about 6 or 7 weeks ago and we hit it off we'll, seeing each other almost every day and texting alot etc. I had to leave for work for 3 months a few weeks ago. She knew well in advance that I was going away and her response was that she'd wait for me and we'd be together when I get back. She even came and stayed with me and my family in my hometown before I departed. She also told me she loved me, which I thought was a bit early but I went with it. About a week into the trip she started responding and messaging me less. I had this gut feeling something was up and asked if she was losing interest. She said no everything was fine, she just hadn't been feeling too well and missed me. A few more days went by and nothing has changed. I knew she'd been in contact with her ex and curiosity got the better of me. I asked if she still had feelings for her ex. She told me she'd been with her ex for 6 years and she still cares about him, but she wouldn't be with me if she was still in love with him. She told me she didn't want me to worry about us so I left it at that. At this point I knew something was wrong but didn't say anything. I later received a message saying something along the lines of 'Hey babe. I'm having a hard time ATM. Sorry I haven't been talking much I'm just struggling with life a little. Just know that my feelings for you haven't changed xx' I asked if she was okay and she said 'um I think so, I guess I'll be okay. I'll love you' I then asked if she wanted to talk about it in which she replied 'Not yet, sorry. I wouldn't even know what to say'. I didn't push any further I just told her I was a bit worried and I was there for her if she needed to talk. She responded with 'No need to worry I'll be ok with time. My life is just changing alot right now and I need to adjust. Thank you x'. That's the last I've heard from her in nearly two days. Now I get the obvious answer is probably going to be move on for now and shell reach out if she wants, but the suspense is killing me. I get people can lose interest and go cold. It was probably even because I was a little insecure asking about her ex or if she was losing interest. I just don't understand how she can be THAT cold. Texting every day to not even a simple Goodnight? The part thats getting to me the most is that she told me her feelings haven't changed and she loves and misses me. It's left me feeling like there could be a genuine reason but at the same time I could be a rebound or being strung along. it blows my mind how someone could say I love you but have zero contact. I'm also left wondering if it could be normal again if she does come back around.. Any advice appreciated.
kendahke Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 If, in your future conversations, she says "I'm confused...", then you will know that she has let her ex back into her life. That is what I think is going on. Is she the kind of girl who can be alone? Some chicks can't and she may be one of them. I asked if she still had feelings for her ex. She told me she'd been with her ex for 6 years and she still cares about him, but she wouldn't be with me if she was still in love with him. That's not true. Plenty of people get with new boy/girlfriends while still having feelings for their ex. When they can no longer handle it, you get the "I'm confused" speech. 1
Author Birdman56 Posted May 23, 2017 Author Posted May 23, 2017 To be honest I don't think she let her ex out of her life thinking about it. Is it possible that I called her out on it and she's trying to choose?
salparadise Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 She may have problems with "object constancy." That's a developmental issue where the feelings of connection and sense of being real and congruent can't be maintained in the other person's absence. It could be a problem unto itself, or could be a reason for her to let the ex-bf back in. Just a possibility. 1
Author Birdman56 Posted May 23, 2017 Author Posted May 23, 2017 She said she was the one who ended it, and it was nearly a year ago. I don't know, if any of those situations are true how am I supposed to handle it if she does come back around now?
Kamille Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 She said she was dealing with issues in her own life. This could be anything, from a health problem to trouble at work. Is there any reason to think it is about her ex? Are there any reasons not to believe her when she says this isn't about you and her feelings for you remain the same? 1
smackie9 Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 You are a rebound "BOING!" Hot and heavy then, it becomes a false alarm....she doesn't really love you.
Author Birdman56 Posted May 23, 2017 Author Posted May 23, 2017 Probably not. It's just a strong gut feeling.
DoubleJeopardy Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 You're the back burner safety. It seems pretty common these days. Women like options, where as most men it's either black or white.
O'Malley Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 Regardless of her reasons, it sounds like she is in the process of withdrawing emotionally and moving on. After only a few weeks, there wasn't enough time to actually be in love, nor to establish a strong bond that could weather a three month absence. 1
DoubleJeopardy Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 You are a rebound "BOING!" Hot and heavy then, it becomes a false alarm....she doesn't really love you. Do women and men define love the same way?
Author Birdman56 Posted May 23, 2017 Author Posted May 23, 2017 Should I message her and ask if she's okay again or just leave it?
Kamille Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 Should I message her and ask if she's okay again or just leave it? I would write to her telling her you're thinking of her, hoping she's doing better. Tell her you're there if she needs to talk. Then leave it at that.
Bastile Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 Should I message her and ask if she's okay again or just leave it? Completely leave it, and enjoy your trip. She's being a downer. You don't reward negativity with your attention. Where are your standards? Expect better from people, and they often rise to the standard. Accept any old rubbish, and you'll get that too. You are being far too supplicating here. Get your attention on better things, and put contacting her far down your list. 2
Imajerk17 Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 (edited) I can tell you this right now OP. She is "confused", still thinking about her ex. If it is not her ex, it is some other guy. Which means that her heart still belongs to someone else. Which means that it is over between you and her. So save your energy in writing her. I mean, think about it Birdman. You've been dating not even two months. Now should be the honeymoon period when everything is terrific and you feel like together you can conquer the world. If nothing else, she should be letting you into her world asking you for your support! I have dated women who were in tough situations. One woman I dated for 2 years had just gotten out of a bad divorce. Instead of telling me that 'she needs space as she wasn't herself at the moment', she let me in. And the women who did tell me that 'she needs to figure some stuff on her own first', I never heard from again. In 2 of the 3 instances, the woman was in another long-term relationship within a couple of months. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news OP....but I am just trying to save you some time and energy. Move on to find someone better. Edited May 23, 2017 by Imajerk17 2
todreaminblue Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 (edited) i actually feel she isnt being cold at all she is reassuring you letting you know she is struggling a little......telling you not to worry in regards to her ex and tells you she loves and misses you..... can you explain to me how this exchange is cold to you...i am considered a warm and honest person by all the people that love me........ and this type of response i could see msyelf giving if i were having struggles....to anyone i cared about...i wouldnt want them to worry and i deal with things in my time my way...never really have i been considered cold...and i dont feel at all that she is cold to you either...explain to me why the coldness you feel so i can understand..and why you feel she is dishonest about her ex.......deb Edited May 23, 2017 by todreaminblue 2
Bastile Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 The problem is that when someone is being boring and miserable, the natural response is to escape from that person. Instead, it's having the opposite reaction with you. Your response is to cling and try and fix it. Stop doing that. You are just indulging her in her bad behaviour. You can then expect more of it. Vote with your feet. I'm being serious. I do not get this nonsense so early on. And when I do, they are very sincere concerns which bring us closer together. That's because there is a communication going on a different level that you aren't picking up on. The boundaries here are being set, and you are telling her what you are willing to accept. Then expect her to reach out to you instead wondering where all that attention went. This is when you change it into something more enjoyable.
Space Ritual Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 Should I message her and ask if she's okay again or just leave it? Hell no! she is already jerking your chain and is probably banging her ex. Nobody goes into that act she has with you unless she did something with her ex she feels guilty about. She told you she loved you pretty quick and now the ex is back in the picture. You were just a road bump on the way back for her. Sorry but it's the truth In your shoes, I' chalk it up to experience and leave her to her destiny. Exes from long term relationships are very hard to compete with, especially if you are out long distance physically. She gets the best of both worlds. she gets to screw around with hr ex, and she gets the ego stroke of knowing Plan B Birdman is pining away for her. Don't be that guy. You will have your heart broken. Show some resolve and go silent on her. You'll be glad you did.
Author Birdman56 Posted May 24, 2017 Author Posted May 24, 2017 So after nearly three days she just messaged me 'Hi x' ... Am I just supposed to act like nothing happened
rushed Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 So after nearly three days she just messaged me 'Hi x' ... Am I just supposed to act like nothing happened I'm confused as to what if anything actually happened. So you go out of town for months, her texting slows down, and she's dealing with something that she doesn't want to talk about right now. This is what you call cold? Also, how do you know that she still keeps in contact with her ex? 3
hercules22 Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 I can tell you this right now OP. She is "confused", still thinking about her ex. If it is not her ex, it is some other guy. Which means that her heart still belongs to someone else. Which means that it is over between you and her. So save your energy in writing her. I mean, think about it Birdman. You've been dating not even two months. Now should be the honeymoon period when everything is terrific and you feel like together you can conquer the world. If nothing else, she should be letting you into her world asking you for your support! I have dated women who were in tough situations. One woman I dated for 2 years had just gotten out of a bad divorce. Instead of telling me that 'she needs space as she wasn't herself at the moment', she let me in. And the women who did tell me that 'she needs to figure some stuff on her own first', I never heard from again. In 2 of the 3 instances, the woman was in another long-term relationship within a couple of months. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news OP....but I am just trying to save you some time and energy. Move on to find someone better. yep cant fully trust these women better off dissappearing on them cause they will most likely end up with someone else while keeping u as a backup and only go for you if they cant do better
hptalbot Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to take your mind off of her. You can't do anything about her actions and the more you prod the worse things will get. I would take some time to find a way to make yourself okay with her not being with you. Don't become apathetic, but find a way to make yourself okay with both outcomes the good and the bad. That gives you the power. If she starts to text you more, awesome. If not, there are other fish. 1
Kamille Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 I know almost everyone is telling you to step way but if you care about her, you have nothing to lose by making a move. The issue is that you seem hurt about this yet you don't know what "this" is. Do you trust her? It sounds like you don't. Is that your insecurities talking? Distance is hard and can really trigger them. Then what do you need to do to make the relationship better? I have been in a LDR and there are moments when what you need to do is put your insecurities aside and reconnect. Whatever it is that you two do together that creates intimacy, suggest it. Is it a Skype date. Or better yet, can one of you fly to go see the other? Granted, all this advice is based on the idea that you are in a relationship with her, that you two care about each other and that you trust her (this one is not clear). 2
Imajerk17 Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 (edited) So after nearly three days she just messaged me 'Hi x' ... Am I just supposed to act like nothing happened Well, then write her back and ask how she is doing. It may lead to a real conversation about everything. The point of my last post is that while the frequency of contact may fluctuate, she can't just leave you hanging and still get to call you her boyfriend. And while you should be supportive, I also think you are right to tell her that she just can't disappear on you to 'go figure stuff out'. That she is talking w her ex is concerning....if he is the cause of her stress, then you should consider bailing. Edited May 24, 2017 by Imajerk17 2
Author Birdman56 Posted May 25, 2017 Author Posted May 25, 2017 Sorry, for those of you asking why I think she's cold, distant probably would have been a better word. I used to get smothered, we would pretty much know what each other were doing every second of the day. Now she hasn't asked what I've been doing of how I've been for over a week. Her being in contact with her ex is fact. I noticed her reply to him a few times when we first started dating. I don't know why the alarm bells didn't ring then and there, but I guess she seemed so loving and I was so caught up I didn't think it would be an issue. I wouldn't have a clue what they spoke about because I didn't really want to get involved in her busi. This was probably a rookie mistake on my part. I have no idea if or how much they've been in contact since I left but I did notice she tagged him in a Facebook post the other day. The reason I think it could be to do with the ex is simply gut feeling, as well as the fact she's shut me out almost completely. I replied to her 'Hi x' text asking how she was and she said she was ok. I also asked if we were fine and if anything has changed. She said we are great. There was a bit of small talk and I went to bed. I've kind of left it again. I don't really see how there's anything I can do except focus on preparing for the bad news or bailing. I just want to know if the issue is to do with her ex or something else but I can't think of a way of asking that won't sound insecure or like it's about me, especially after she said she doesn't want a to talk about it yet and won't know what to say. Hopefully she opens up soon. Cheers for the advice so far guys. I'll let you know if anything comes out of this. If it is just a false alarm and I'm just overreacting I'm going to look silly aren't i.
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