Brieanne Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 Last night, out of the blue, I got a text from my boyfriend that read "I don't understand why you're dating a totally worthless loser like me. I have nothing to offer, and I'm not even that attractive." I didn't respond to it because I don't know what to make of it. I know he's not interested in anyone else. He's always either working or at home whenever I text or call. We have only been dating a few weeks.
Author Brieanne Posted May 23, 2017 Author Posted May 23, 2017 What is your question? What would you do or say if you were in this situation?
BaileyB Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 I would see this as a pretty big red flag and proceed with caution. Is he depressed? Was he drinking? Lots of questions here... 2
Author Brieanne Posted May 23, 2017 Author Posted May 23, 2017 (edited) I would see this as a pretty big red flag and proceed with caution. Is he depressed? Was he drinking? Lots of questions here... I know he doesn't smoke, drink, use drugs, or any of that. In fact, he's 20, so he's not even old enough to drink. I'm 19, by the way. Everything had been going perfectly well up until that text. Edited May 23, 2017 by Brieanne
BaileyB Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 I think you need to talk to him and ask him why he feels that way. It's normal to have insecurities and these insecurities sometimes get the best of anyone early in a relationship when things are uncertain. Just be careful that you don't become responsible for providing reassurance and maintaining his self esteem. Only he can do this, and if he is commonly seeking your reassurance and support, then that becomes a problem.
Redhead14 Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 Sometimes, a person will say something like this because they are actually trying to sabotage the relationship. They want to move on because they are overwhelmed by having a relationship and the emotions that go with it, but they can't, themselves, end it so they lay out reasons so that the other person will move on. It's a disclaimer . . . I'm not capable of maintaining a relationship with you because of XYZ so if you don't move on yourself, you've been warned and so he doesn't have to feel too guilty when he hurts you. In other words, he's not going to be putting in much effort and has an "excuse" so it's on you if you stay. 5
mightycpa Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 I'd call him up and ask if he really sent that or is somebody playing a joke on him. Might be nothing. Sounds like an invitation to break up. I'd hear him out if he sent it, but that would go a long way towards killing my interest. 3
smackie9 Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 Never ever play into someones insecurities. If you keep reassuring them, it enables this behavior and then it turns into ugliness. If he meant it, you need to give him some tough love and tell him that he has nothing to worry about, that you feel things are great. BUT you will not tolerate such talk nor will you keep reassuring him...it stop here right now. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 (edited) It's actually a spin back on you . . . there must be something wrong with you and so I don't want to be with someone else who has a problem too. "I don't want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member". All you should say is "I'm sorry you're struggling" and leave it at that. You are not his counselor or therapist. If this is a frequent thing, I would move on. The more you "feed" it, the more he will need from you. Edited May 23, 2017 by Redhead14 4
BaileyB Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 It's definitely an extreme statement. You definitely need to talk with him and see what he meant by it.
kendahke Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 I have a policy that when people say things like this to me out of the blue, I ask them right then and there what they are talking about. I don't just leave it. To me, it sounds like a sympathy fishing expedition for whatever reason. Redhead and Smackie bring up some very good points on this behavior. Tell him to spit it out and stop sending cryptic messages.
preraph Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 I can only say this: When a man tells you you're too good for him, he's usually right. Many times, it means he's showing you his low self-worth, sometimes it means they have done or are doing to do something where you'll find out what a jerk or loser they are anyway, sometimes it's a promise that they are in fact a loser and have no intentions of changing, so it's a warning to you. Now if you stay, they can self-righteously say they warned you so you got what you deserve. 2
mortensorchid Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 THis is not good. I don't know his meaning behind the exact reason why he chose to say this to you, but it's not a good sign. He's going to break it off someday because he doesn't feel that he deserves to be with you. Don't invest too much more time/energy into this, he'll bail or do something terrible to make you bail because he's that big of a loser.
d0nnivain Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 My EX killed himself so I tend to overreact to statements like that. Address it immediately today in person. It sounds like a suicide note to me & I suspect he was drinking before he sent it to you. Ask why he sent it. Ask what it means. Tell him you date him because you like him but you are not about to tie yourself to a depressed suicidal person. As a condition of continuing to date him he must get therapy immediately. Share the note with his parents & a trusted teacher. This guy is a danger to himself. He needs professional medical help! The mere love of a 19 year old GF cannot fix what ails him. Don't try. You are not his therapist.
Gaeta Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 Before jumping to any conclusion like he's about to exit the relationship or he wants to make you break up etc etc just ASK HIM what is going on. Maybe something bad happened, maybe he failed something, maybe he got an accident, maybe he had real bad news. I don't understand why you are not concerned and are just leaving him there with no reply. Depending on what he answers THEN you decide if it's insecurity or whatever else. 1
bluefeather Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 When someone tells you something wrong with them, believe them. That's a lesson I learned the hard way.
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