Author geminijodie Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 Thanks everyone for the helpful advice, now it's starting to feel a little judgy. I'm sure if you've been in this situation, it isn't as easy as "block him". None of you know the exact situation, so I can't expect you to understand fully. So I will do the best I can. Thanks again.
Blanco Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Here's the trouble with separated or recently divorced men. They all seem to waste no time finding a replacement girlfriend before the ink is dry and then meanwhile they're still struggling emotionally and usually reunite briefly with the spouse, leaving the new woman hanging in the wind. But worst of all and fairly predictable, once they are officially divorced and "free," they don't want to be tied down to the woman they've been leaning on through the breakup. They want to go see what they can get. That's a popular theory, but I've seen several cases where the guy was so eager to just replicate the domesticated lifestyle that he latches on to someone new right away and continues onward beyond the divorce. Of course, this doesn't sound like such an instance. 1
Blanco Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Thanks everyone for the helpful advice, now it's starting to feel a little judgy. I'm sure if you've been in this situation, it isn't as easy as "block him". None of you know the exact situation, so I can't expect you to understand fully. So I will do the best I can. Thanks again. I think it's less a case of people being judgmental and more an instance of people getting a little frustrated that regardless of what they're telling you, you seem to have a "Yeah, but..." response. No one said this was going to be easy. Sometimes the things we most need to do are the hardest. 3
preraph Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 That's a popular theory, but I've seen several cases where the guy was so eager to just replicate the domesticated lifestyle that he latches on to someone new right away and continues onward beyond the divorce. Of course, this doesn't sound like such an instance. But apparently this one isn't of that ilk.
preraph Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 This sounds naive but he really isn't that type of guy He isn't that type of guy who hooks up? You met on Tinder, Hookup Capital of the World. He was hooking up with you before the ink was dry on his divorce. Doesn't mean he's a rabid player, but he does want sex but not a relationship with you. You say he has treated you really nice, and that probably is true. He probably was quite grateful for the distraction from his divorce and regular sex and feeling desirable again. 1
Author geminijodie Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 He isn't that type of guy who hooks up? You met on Tinder, Hookup Capital of the World. He was hooking up with you before the ink was dry on his divorce. Doesn't mean he's a rabid player, but he does want sex but not a relationship with you. You say he has treated you really nice, and that probably is true. He probably was quite grateful for the distraction from his divorce and regular sex and feeling desirable again. 1. He wanted to stop the sex bc he felt it was hurting me 2. He's been divorced for over a year 3. Idc what anyone says, tinder is what you make it
Minneloa Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Hi Gemini, I went through a similar experience six months ago, and I relate to your reluctance to let this man go. I was dating a lovely, albeit ambivalent, man who told me several times that he did not want anything serious with me. Not wanting to break things off, I kept seeing him, thinking that he would change his mind (after all, he "adored" me). It was only after he told me that he did not see me in his future that something clicked in me. Here he was, once again giving me the gift of truth, and this time I was going to pay attention. Though it hurt a lot to lose him, I stuck to my guns, knowing that I was the only one looking out for my best interests. He would have kept seeing me, casually and indefinitely. But I cut him off completely and have not responded to any of his messages since then. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I sometimes long to rekindle our connection? Yes. But what ultimately keeps me away from him is knowing that everything was on his terms and that my desire for a companion and a strong relationship would go unmet. I offer my own experience in sympathy and support. Only you can make decisions about what to do. But I urge you to consider taking him at his word and detaching yourself from a situation that, in the long run, will leave you likely even more devastated than you feel now. M. P.S. Two recommended books: Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by Natalie Lue and The Commitment Cure by Rhonda Findling. 1
preraph Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 1. He wanted to stop the sex bc he felt it was hurting me 2. He's been divorced for over a year 3. Idc what anyone says, tinder is what you make it Which completely contradicts this recent statement of yours above: Haha no not friendzoned. He doesn't want to "hurt" me anymore, but whenever we're together, sex happens. A lot.
Whodatdog Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 You can make all the excuses for him that you want to, but the facts are plain. He's enjoying a FWB relationship with you, because he doesnt have anyone else right now. He told you he's not ready for a relationship, because he's not ready for a relationship with YOU. If he was, nothing would keep him from it. He's using you for a good time, since he's now divorced. When he meets someone he falls head over heals with he will dump you, whether you are pregnant or not. So if you are pregnant, be prepared to raise this kid on your own, because he wont be there with you.
Author geminijodie Posted May 23, 2017 Author Posted May 23, 2017 You can make all the excuses for him that you want to, but the facts are plain. He's enjoying a FWB relationship with you, because he doesnt have anyone else right now. He told you he's not ready for a relationship, because he's not ready for a relationship with YOU. If he was, nothing would keep him from it. He's using you for a good time, since he's now divorced. When he meets someone he falls head over heals with he will dump you, whether you are pregnant or not. So if you are pregnant, be prepared to raise this kid on your own, because he wont be there with you. This is just 100% wrong. He isn't ready for a relationship because he is not emotionally available. He isn't using me for a good time considering he wanted to stop having sex because he wanted to stop hurting me. if I am pregnant and do have the kid, there's no way I'd be on my own. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage and he barely sees them, and he's gotten serious with me multiple times about how much he would be involved in this kid's life (if I have it). You don't know about this situation so I don't expect much, but I'm just letting you know you are very wrong about that. Especially the kid part.
Author geminijodie Posted May 23, 2017 Author Posted May 23, 2017 Which completely contradicts this recent statement of yours above: Haha no not friendzoned. He doesn't want to "hurt" me anymore, but whenever we're together, sex happens. A lot. How is that contradictory?
Author geminijodie Posted May 23, 2017 Author Posted May 23, 2017 Hi Gemini, I went through a similar experience six months ago, and I relate to your reluctance to let this man go. I was dating a lovely, albeit ambivalent, man who told me several times that he did not want anything serious with me. Not wanting to break things off, I kept seeing him, thinking that he would change his mind (after all, he "adored" me). It was only after he told me that he did not see me in his future that something clicked in me. Here he was, once again giving me the gift of truth, and this time I was going to pay attention. Though it hurt a lot to lose him, I stuck to my guns, knowing that I was the only one looking out for my best interests. He would have kept seeing me, casually and indefinitely. But I cut him off completely and have not responded to any of his messages since then. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I sometimes long to rekindle our connection? Yes. But what ultimately keeps me away from him is knowing that everything was on his terms and that my desire for a companion and a strong relationship would go unmet. I offer my own experience in sympathy and support. Only you can make decisions about what to do. But I urge you to consider taking him at his word and detaching yourself from a situation that, in the long run, will leave you likely even more devastated than you feel now. M. P.S. Two recommended books: Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by Natalie Lue and The Commitment Cure by Rhonda Findling. Thank you for this. I really appreciate this advice, and it's nice hearing from someone who is going through it. I will definitely be checking those books out
Blanco Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 How is that contradictory? Uh probably because you said he wanted to stop having sex and then noted that when you're together, "lots of sex" happens. Is it sort of like the person who says they want to lose weight and then they inhale half a cheesecake? 1
Author geminijodie Posted May 23, 2017 Author Posted May 23, 2017 Uh probably because you said he wanted to stop having sex and then noted that when you're together, "lots of sex" happens. Is it sort of like the person who says they want to lose weight and then they inhale half a cheesecake? he wanted to, but I didn't so we just kept having sex.
Blanco Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 And now you're potentially pregnant. Joke's on him, I guess. If he's emotionally unavailable, it's unlikely he's going to commit to a relationship with you, especially while he's getting the perks of a relationship without the heavy lifting. It would stand to figure he's got a lot mentally weighing him down between a divorce and his wife moving on so quickly and starting a new family; to say nothing of him apparently barely getting to see his two children. It makes sense he doesn't want a relationship. The problem, of course, is that he has possibly impregnated someone who does. 1
Author geminijodie Posted May 23, 2017 Author Posted May 23, 2017 And now you're potentially pregnant. Joke's on him, I guess. If he's emotionally unavailable, it's unlikely he's going to commit to a relationship with you, especially while he's getting the perks of a relationship without the heavy lifting. It would stand to figure he's got a lot mentally weighing him down between a divorce and his wife moving on so quickly and starting a new family; to say nothing of him apparently barely getting to see his two children. It makes sense he doesn't want a relationship. The problem, of course, is that he has possibly impregnated someone who does. I've pretty much accepted its over. I took the advice of so many of you here and told him I need to cut it off. He said that's mature and he'll miss me. Fast forward 4 hours and he calls me like everything's cool. I ask him why he did that, he asks me why I answered. It's just a game to him really. I don't think I will keep the baby if I am pregnant. This may sound bad but what's helping me potentially get over him is the fact that his ex, who knew him for 10 years and had 2 babies with him, moved on. If she literally had a life with him and moved on and is ok, then I, someone who's known him for 6 months, can definitely do it. Thank you for making sense, though. It's nice to see people understanding the situation
stillafool Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 It's complete bull about him wanting to be in his kids life. If he wanted to be he would. Lots of men are divorced, separated and some are not even married but always make a way to see their kids. He says he's emotionally unavailable so does that mean to his kids also? If he doesn't make time to see his children now what's makes you think he would spend time with your baby? Because he said it? I'm sure he told his kids mom the same thing. People who claim to be emotionally unavailable suddenly become available when they meet the one they want to be with. 1
mikeylo Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 After divorce many people develop trust issues and it takes time to overcome it. He could be in that state or not. You need to take him for his word and move on.
Author geminijodie Posted May 24, 2017 Author Posted May 24, 2017 It's complete bull about him wanting to be in his kids life. If he wanted to be he would. Lots of men are divorced, separated and some are not even married but always make a way to see their kids. He says he's emotionally unavailable so does that mean to his kids also? If he doesn't make time to see his children now what's makes you think he would spend time with your baby? Because he said it? I'm sure he told his kids mom the same thing. People who claim to be emotionally unavailable suddenly become available when they meet the one they want to be with. Wait what? When did I say he isn't in his kids life? He sees them usually every other weekend. He sees them as much as he can. I've been with him often when he's arguing with his ex about seeing his kids. That's not even an issue idk where you came up with that.
Blanco Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 Well, what happened that he's only permitted to see them four days every month? Divorce courts tend to favor the mom, but usually aren't going to deprive the kids seeing the father so severely without cause.
elaine567 Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 Wait what? When did I say he isn't in his kids life? He sees them usually every other weekend. He sees them as much as he can. I've been with him often when he's arguing with his ex about seeing his kids. That's not even an issue idk where you came up with that. Here, is I guess where that confusion arose. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage and he barely sees them, ................................. 1
elaine567 Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 he wanted to, but I didn't so we just kept having sex. You are sending out the wrong signals and he is taking advantage of the situation. He told you in no uncertain terms he does not want a relationship with you but you seem to think that if you stick around he will somehow choose you and all will be hunky dory. BUT by agreeing to his terms, he thinks you are OK with no relationship and that this is basically a NSA/FWB arrangement and you are cool with it or you will put up with it because you are besotted. He is not taking you seriously as he probably thinks you are a pushover and you will agree to just about anything to keep him in your life. You cannot make people love you and guys who tell you they do not want a relationship with you are bad news, unless you just want a bit of fun for a short while. 1
Author geminijodie Posted May 24, 2017 Author Posted May 24, 2017 Well, what happened that he's only permitted to see them four days every month? Divorce courts tend to favor the mom, but usually aren't going to deprive the kids seeing the father so severely without cause. I'm not sure of the exact arrangement, but my parents got divorced when I was young and it was the same. I saw my dad 4 days out of the month, and it wasn't because he was a bad guy. That's how a lot of my friends grew up, seemed like a normal occurrence
Blanco Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 All I'm saying is that you have his side of the story and his alone. Even in the "best case" scenario, his wife has unfairly exploited the courts to deprive him out of time with his children. That alone is enough to mentally weigh down someone and make them feel emotionally unavailable. But it doesn't matter, because you already said you've broken things off with him, so no harm, no foul.
stillafool Posted May 25, 2017 Posted May 25, 2017 (edited) I'm not sure of the exact arrangement, but my parents got divorced when I was young and it was the same. I saw my dad 4 days out of the month, and it wasn't because he was a bad guy. That's how a lot of my friends grew up, seemed like a normal occurrence So apparently you thought that your Dad barely saw you when you were growing up much like you described this guys relationship with his kids. Is that the father you want to give your kid? Edited May 25, 2017 by stillafool
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