geminijodie Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 I met this guy on tinder in August 2016. We talked a little until October, then we started talking every single day. We met at the end of November and everything was good. When we first started talking, he said he was a hopeless romantic and that he wants a relationship while I just wanted some fun. Things got a little serious and we were exclusive. We did all the things boyfriends and girlfriends do, but he didn't want to put a label on it. He separated from his wife at the end of 2014 and his divorce was finalized the beginning of 2016. He said I was the first "real" thing he's had since her. Fast forward to now, he doesn't want a relationship. He keeps saying he's not ready. He thinks he's hurting me and that we should either just be friends or we should move on, but when I ask him about a relationship, he says "I can't predict the future, anything could happen". I genuinely love him and he knows this, and I can't let him go. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Let him go even though you don't want to. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 but when I ask him about a relationship, he says "I can't predict the future, anything could happen". I genuinely love him and he knows this, and I can't let him go. What should I do? That's a standard line dumper's dole out. It's to alleviate the dumpee's pain and to alleviate the dumper's guilt. Block him and cease all communication. You need to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author geminijodie Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 It's just that I feel like we could genuinely be in a relationship. Does that ever happen in situations like these? It's been 6 months and we haven't messed around with anyone else, his friends know about me, my friends know about him. Plus, it's very easy to say "block him" when you're not in the situation. I don't think anyone in this situation could just block someone that easy. This is so hard Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 He's telling you that he doesn't want a relationship with YOU. He may find that with someone else . . . and he can't say for sure that will happen either. However, if you continue to see him, you've been put on notice that you are basically stringing yourself along. He likes you, will continue to see you because, at the moment, there's no one else but when someone does come along that interests him, he will cut you off for good and he won't have to feel guilty because he gave you a heads up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 It's just that I feel like we could genuinely be in a relationship. Does that ever happen in situations like these? It's been 6 months and we haven't messed around with anyone else, his friends know about me, my friends know about him. Plus, it's very easy to say "block him" when you're not in the situation. I don't think anyone in this situation could just block someone that easy. This is so hard None of this matters the fact is he said he isn't ready for a relationship and he can't predict the future which means = I just got out of a divorce, I like you but will see other women and may meet someone else I like better in the future. Now, you can wait around for that or take him at his word and move on to your future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author geminijodie Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 That's the thing though, we aren't seeing other people, not going out on dates with other people, nothing. We are literally like bf&gf with no label, and I know how stupid I sound when I say "he's not like that", but he's not. We have no reason to lie to each other about if we are or aren't seeing other people, but we aren't. He's been talking about introducing me to his kids, serious stuff. Also, I've tried it end it on more than one occasion, and I always get "I'd rather be your friend than not have you at all". I don't get it, he's the one hats been through a divorce, so letting me go should be a cakewalk, but apparently it isn't? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 He's already let you go. Right now you are FWBs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 There is no commitment from him to you. He is not ready means he isn't ready. He has told you the way it is instead of stringing you along. After this if you choose to stay and it doesn't progress the way you want and you get stuck as just a platonic friend who gets to meet his gf, you have no one to blame but yourself. Are you ready for that? Once he gets a gf, he will cut you off completely. Cut your loses when you can and this is the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 That's the thing though, we aren't seeing other people, not going out on dates with other people, nothing. We are literally like bf&gf with no label, and I know how stupid I sound when I say "he's not like that", but he's not. We have no reason to lie to each other about if we are or aren't seeing other people, but we aren't. He's been talking about introducing me to his kids, serious stuff. Also, I've tried it end it on more than one occasion, and I always get "I'd rather be your friend than not have you at all". I don't get it, he's the one hats been through a divorce, so letting me go should be a cakewalk, but apparently it isn't? You are familiar to him and you provide him with whatever benefits he needs. It's easier to stick with you rather than go out there and start over with a new person. LISTEN to what he is saying -- he does not want to be in a relationship with you. He's even telling you -- friends or move on from each other. How much clearer can he be? You're in denial and it is understandable. But you need to listen and take his words seriously. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 My dear OP. It sounds like he does not want to get into a relationship right now. It could be anything and a variety of reasons why. However, there isn't anything you can do to keep him. Let him do what he must. Link to post Share on other sites
Author geminijodie Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 But what if when I move on, he's ready for a relationship and it's too late? I don't want to let go because I know there's a chance. How do I even move on? It seems impossible. And he's wanted to stop having sex for a while now but I don't. I think that's another reason I'm holding on, because I don't want to start over either. But is it wrong to just go to strictly friends just so I can still talk to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author geminijodie Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 My dear OP. It sounds like he does not want to get into a relationship right now. It could be anything and a variety of reasons why. However, there isn't anything you can do to keep him. Let him do what he must. But I'm not actively trying to keep him. He is always the one to initiate, to make plans, everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 But I'm not actively trying to keep him. He is always the one to initiate, to make plans, everything. Like I said, he will continue to see you if YOU accept. He doesn't have anyone else at the moment so why not see you in the meantime . . . Next time he calls, you tell him you're moving on because of his uncertainty about what he wants out of his dating journey and you know exactly what you want and will look for it with someone who is on the same dating page at least in terms of goals. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 But I'm not actively trying to keep him. He is always the one to initiate, to make plans, everything. Yes as just friends he doesn't even want to have sex with you anymore which means you've already been friend zoned. To move on you tell him you can't just be his friend and will have to stop seeing him. Tell him if things change in the future and he wants more to contact you and hopefully you will still be available, then go completely NC to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 But what if when I move on, he's ready for a relationship and it's too late? I don't want to let go because I know there's a chance. How do I even move on? It seems impossible. And he's wanted to stop having sex for a while now but I don't. I think that's another reason I'm holding on, because I don't want to start over either. But is it wrong to just go to strictly friends just so I can still talk to him? There are no "ifs" -- forget about that because you can't live your life on "ifs". It's not realistic. The CHANCE is only in your head -- it's your fear of letting go. And don't project the value you see in this on him. He doesn't feel the same way you do. You move on by cutting all contact and going NC. It's a choice. And you cannot be friends. You can't be friends with someone you feel emotionally attached to. Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Will you be genuinely happy if he finds a gf ? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Here's the trouble with separated or recently divorced men. They all seem to waste no time finding a replacement girlfriend before the ink is dry and then meanwhile they're still struggling emotionally and usually reunite briefly with the spouse, leaving the new woman hanging in the wind. But worst of all and fairly predictable, once they are officially divorced and "free," they don't want to be tied down to the woman they've been leaning on through the breakup. They want to go see what they can get. Link to post Share on other sites
Author geminijodie Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 Haha no not friendzoned. He doesn't want to "hurt" me anymore, but whenever we're together, sex happens. A lot. Also we were at dinner 2 nights ago and he told his friend "I'm having dinner with my girl". Friendzoning is the least of my worries Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Haha no not friendzoned. He doesn't want to "hurt" me anymore, but whenever we're together, sex happens. A lot. Also we were at dinner 2 nights ago and he told his friend "I'm having dinner with my girl". Friendzoning is the least of my worries Of course sex happens. It's there so why wouldn't he take it. Just don't mistake sex = love/commitment. "I'm having dinner with my girl" means nothing when he's telling you he does not want a relationship with you and prefers for you to move on if you can't be friends with benefits. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author geminijodie Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 Here's the trouble with separated or recently divorced men. They all seem to waste no time finding a replacement girlfriend before the ink is dry and then meanwhile they're still struggling emotionally and usually reunite briefly with the spouse, leaving the new woman hanging in the wind. But worst of all and fairly predictable, once they are officially divorced and "free," they don't want to be tied down to the woman they've been leaning on through the breakup. They want to go see what they can get. He's not one to hook up, and it hasn't changed. He's been divorced for an entire year and he hasn't been hooking up with random girls nor getting serious with anyone which makes it confusing. Because what you're saying is exactly what I'd expect from a divorced man, yet that isn't what he's doing Link to post Share on other sites
Author geminijodie Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 Of course sex happens. It's there so why wouldn't he take it. Just don't mistake sex = love/commitment. "I'm having dinner with my girl" means nothing when he's telling you he does not want a relationship with you and prefers for you to move on if you can't be friends with benefits. I just need to know how to move on and be ok. Thinking of doing it hurts so bad and I don't know how to move on/ stop denying what's happening Link to post Share on other sites
Author geminijodie Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 Will you be genuinely happy if he finds a gf ? No, but that's not what I'm worried about. I know he's genuinely not ready, but I still want to be around him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author geminijodie Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 He's not one to hook up, and it hasn't changed. He's been divorced for an entire year and he hasn't been hooking up with random girls nor getting serious with anyone which makes it confusing. Because what you're saying is exactly what I'd expect from a divorced man, yet that isn't what he's doing Also his ex is married w/ a baby on the way (all happened in 6 months) and I think it bothers him. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 I just need to know how to move on and be ok. Thinking of doing it hurts so bad and I don't know how to move on/ stop denying what's happening You have to cut contact. Cold turkey. Like an addict going through detox and it will feel incredibly difficult dealing with those withdrawals. Tell him you need to move on. Delete his number. Block him. Etc. Then lean on your friends and family to keep you on the NC track and to help you with your grieving. It's going to be painful but it's temporary. Sticking with him will be indefinite pain. I have a feeling he'll come around sniffing but for the wrong reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
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