heavenupsidedown Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 (edited) Hey, I'm new here, and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing anymore. Joining a forum like that is something I never even considered, but head is spinning and I really don't know what to do anymore, so I thought I'd give it a shot. I (female, 24) was in a long distance relationship with a guy (38), and even though we only saw each other like 6 or 7 times a year we were super close and serious and kept talking about moving in together and marriage and all that. We were together for 4 years, but about a month ago he broke up with me cause we argued more and more. I suffer from social anxiety, so that caused arguments between us cause I'm unable to work and sometimes I couldn't even face hanging out with his family and friends. So he basically dumped me cause it hurt him too much to see me struggling with life and the people close to him. He said he'll always love me and care about me, but that he can't keep having those arguments and that the uncertainty if we'd ever be able to live together killed him. He really really wants to stay friends, and when we said goodbye at the airport he even said 'Who knows, things might look different in like 6 months, so I don't wanna lose touch with you completely cause I'll always love you and care about you'. I tried this whole friendship thing, but after a while he started ignoring me and didn't reply for a week or so. A close friend of him has died, and he said that was the reason why he wasn't in touch, but I broke off contact with him a week ago cause I couldn't take that awful feeling of waiting for him to text me. He replied saying he understands my decision, but he'd still like to talk occasionally. He also said 'I'd love nothing more than to say let's try it again and live happily ever after, but we can't do that, can we?' I haven't replied to that message for over a week now, and I don't plan on doing so. But what if I'm ruining everything by ignoring him? I really do still love him, but I feel so betrayed he just threw me away for my mental health issues. I mean, how can he say he still loves me?!?! You don't dump someone if you love them, right? What am I supposed to do. I miss him so much, and I feel awful for ignoring him, but I also felt awful before I broke off contact. Edited May 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
mightycpa Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 I wonder if your mental health issues will stand in the way of your will. Because that's what you're going to need right now, and for the foreseeable future. An iron will. First, it will help if you prevent yourself from receiving messages. Blocking texts, calls and emails will help. Skype, social media, etc. Everything short of answering the door. Second, it will help if you start dealing in reality. You use words like "close" when you barely saw this guy. You either have no idea what close means, or you're fooling yourself. Same with "together". You don't really get to know each other in an LDR. You need close proximity for that. Third, it didn't hurt him to see you struggling. It hurt him that you had the kind of problems that won't let you hang out with his family and friends, and prevent you from holding a steady job. I'm sure you understand that this is a problem. I'm not sure you understand how big of a problem that is for someone who doesn't suffer from that kind of problem. What would make somebody love that? What would make somebody sign up for that? I don't mean to pick on you, but think about it objectively. I think you should probably just face that, and come to terms with it. Whatever other problems it causes for you, it is sure to mess up your love life. Anyway, the good news is that a ton of us have all felt the same things you're feeling, and we've lived to tell about it. You need to cry your heart out, if that's what you need, and maybe while you're at it, you can begin to address your anxiety and whatever else troubles you. Surely this hurts worse than whatever you fear from a social situation. Use it to find a better you. You're in there somewhere. Him dumping you might be the best thing that ever happened to you, if you let it be that. Good luck my dear.
Author heavenupsidedown Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 get where you're coming from, but in my little world (and in his too) we were close. Everyone has different views on LDRs, so that's okay. He knew about my problems way before we started dating, and it was never a huge problem til recently. He actually dealt with the same problems and way way worse stuff than anxiety when he was younger, so it's not like he doesn't know what it's like. I've been working on my anxiety for years, but unfortunately these things take time. It completely took me by surprise, especially cause he cried as much as I did when he broke up with me. It just doesn't make sense. So I should just keep on ignoring him then?
preraph Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 You can love someone but still realize you can't be or live with them because of practical matters, which is your anxiety, I guess. You need to spend the next couple of years fixing your problem that is crippling you in live and love. You need to see a psychologist if you aren't already and get to work on it. Good luck.
mightycpa Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 get where you're coming from, but in my little world (and in his too) we were close. Everyone has different views on LDRs, so that's okay. We can agree to disagree, but consider whether you'd know your siblings or parents as well as you do if you hadn't lived with them. He knew about my problems way before we started dating, and it was never a huge problem til recently. He actually dealt with the same problems and way way worse stuff than anxiety when he was younger, so it's not like he doesn't know what it's like. I've been working on my anxiety for years, but unfortunately these things take time. It completely took me by surprise, especially cause he cried as much as I did when he broke up with me. It just doesn't make sense. I don't doubt a word of that. Doesn't make a difference from the outside. The reasons aren't important. Only the realities are. So I should just keep on ignoring him then?Absolutely. You're no different than anybody else, he's not as interested as you want him to be, and there ain't a thing you can do about it except protect yourself from more of his inability or unwillingness to completely detach. Think of it as a test. Is what he wants good enough for you? If it was me, I'd say NO WAY. NC is hard, but it's not impossible, and it makes you a much stronger person. Sounds like you could use a little of its magic.
Author heavenupsidedown Posted May 31, 2017 Author Posted May 31, 2017 I broke NC last week cause he messaged me again. He said he just wanted to let me know he was safe cause there was this bombing in Manchester and he lives there. He appeared on Instagram the night it happened (even though he was always so against Instagram when we were together, AND HE SENT ME A FOLLOW REQUEST) I ignored it....and then one or two days later he messaged me an essay saying he was safe and sad and he missed talking to me. And that I'll always hold a massive place in his heart etc. Then I got so angry and sent him an essay about how he shouldn't message me just cause he was feeling ****e...and basically that he shouldn't contact me again if a friendship is what he has in mind. He replied saying that message really hurt him etc etc. NC ever since, but I feel like an arsehole now cause I feel like I reminded him of every single mistake he's made and I feel like there was no need to do that. I also said I can live without him and that I'll find happiness again and that I'm done hoping that we'll get back together again. Why did I say that when it's not even true?!?! I miss him so much, and he probably hates me now. I just wanna message him again to apologise, but I know I'll feel even worse afterwards. I hate this
BG1 Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Do what you feel like doing, sent him a message explaining yourself IF that will give you tranquillity. Once you achieve that go back into no contact if it's helping you healing, little by little. It's very hard. Last thing you want it's to be hurt or hurt the other person, so the simpler and more concise the better. Another option is giving some time and let it set in and consider if you still feel bad. But remember that what the other person think about you doesn't define you.
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