She kissed another guy

[Crosswords]

Hey all,

 

So I've been seeing a girl for about 3 weeks and a little bit; about 4 or 5 dates. We have a good thing going and a ton in common. She has mentioned she's afraid of being hurt in relationships, or being controlled, or worrying about someone else's feelings all the time. She is quite an independent woman - 32. I'm 28. She's interested in me and is receptive to my plans, calls and texts. And she's picked up a couple bills too.

 

Anyways, this weekend we went out for dinner after a great day date too.

Over dinner she told me she had a confession. That the previous weekend she was out with a girlfriend and she had met a guy that night. They were flirting and she eventually went back to his house. They Didn't sleep in the same bed but she stayed over. A couple of days later they went out, and on the date they kissed. For about 2 seconds. She said she didn't feel anything and she felt really guilty and it's been killing her. Said she doesn't feel anything at all for this guy and is no longer in contact.

 

After telling me, it was clear she felt really bad about it all. And said she felt like she tarnished what we had. I forgave her and eventually we decided we'd be exclusive and we verbally said to give 100 percent trust to each other.

 

Now, we never talked about exclusivity before this. But there is a part of this all that slightly bothers me. I'm a little bit hurt and worried that I may not be able to fully fully trust her.

 

Why did she tell me all this and come clean about going out with this guy and what does it really mean?

 

Thoughts are appreciated

[d0nnivain]

If you never previously promised to be exclusive she didn't technically do anything wrong because she was free to multi-date. In this day & age, a mere 3 weeks in you need to assume the other person is also seeing people besides you.

 

 

Here since it went so badly for her she now seems committed to putting in a full effort with you. So look at it as a good thing & work to make your bew relationship flourish.

[TheAntiHero]

Drop her.

 

Females love telling guys what they want to hear just to keep a guy around to keep that security of "having a boyfriend" while they continue to shop around.

 

Obviously, she knows something was wrong about that kiss considering she "confessed" to you about it.

 

Good luck with this one if you choose to stay.

[Crosswords]

Drop her.

 

Females love telling guys what they want to hear just to keep a guy around to keep that security of "having a boyfriend" while they continue to shop around.

 

Obviously, she knows something was wrong about that kiss considering she "confessed" to you about it.

 

Good luck with this one if you choose to stay.

 

I see what you're saying. Although.. she hasn't been in a committed relationship for about a year. So I don't think she's looking for a guy to give her security. Plus, telling me what she did isn't something I would love to hear. It was quite risky on her part to do so.

 

If she didn't want me, she wouldn't have told me she wants exclusivity.

[mightycpa]

Hey all,

 

So I've been seeing a girl for about 3 weeks and a little bit; about 4 or 5 dates. We have a good thing going and a ton in common. She has mentioned she's afraid of being hurt in relationships, or being controlled, or worrying about someone else's feelings all the time. She is quite an independent woman - 32. I'm 28. She's interested in me and is receptive to my plans, calls and texts. And she's picked up a couple bills too.

 

Anyways, this weekend we went out for dinner after a great day date too.

Over dinner she told me she had a confession. That the previous weekend she was out with a girlfriend and she had met a guy that night. They were flirting and she eventually went back to his house. They Didn't sleep in the same bed but she stayed over. A couple of days later they went out, and on the date they kissed. For about 2 seconds. She said she didn't feel anything and she felt really guilty and it's been killing her. Said she doesn't feel anything at all for this guy and is no longer in contact.

 

After telling me, it was clear she felt really bad about it all. And said she felt like she tarnished what we had. I forgave her and eventually we decided we'd be exclusive

Oooh, that's where you took a left turn. There was nothing to forgive.

 

The correct move was "No problem, we aren't exclusive and I don't think any less of you. You're an attractive woman, and I don't blame any guy who would take a shot at dating you. Let's just agree to keep seeing each other and not let our other dates interfere with that. Let's also agree to keep each other informed if we meet somebody that holds some promise. I really appreciate you telling me this, and I promise to be just as open with you if the need ever arises."

 

It was way too soon for you to do what you did, and I wonder if you got played.

[Kitchen]

1 - Her not being in a committed relationship for a year doesn't mean she hasn't used one or multiple people as security blankets throughout.

 

2 - She (and most people) do feel guilt. She felt guilty being with someone else and with you at the same time, and her confessing is a way for her to relieve that internal guilt.

 

3 - It's up to you where to take it from here. Technically it's not cheating, so you can give her a pass if you're okay with it. On the other hand, cheating or not, you must be true to your feelings.

 

Personally I'd drop it. I wouldn't be able to stand the fact that while I was giving someone my 100%, they gave me me 50%. Everyone is different, figure out who you are and take it from there.

 

Oh and, are you sure that she slept over his place but did nothing? That's kind of hard to believe. Not to mention she staying at a stranger's place is trashy in and of itself.

[Crosswords]

1 - Her not being in a committed relationship for a year doesn't mean she hasn't used one or multiple people as security blankets throughout.

 

2 - She (and most people) do feel guilt. She felt guilty being with someone else and with you at the same time, and her confessing is a way for her to relieve that internal guilt.

 

3 - It's up to you where to take it from here. Technically it's not cheating, so you can give her a pass if you're okay with it. On the other hand, cheating or not, you must be true to your feelings.

 

Personally I'd drop it. I wouldn't be able to stand the fact that while I was giving someone my 100%, they gave me me 50%. Everyone is different, figure out who you are and take it from there.

 

Oh and, are you sure that she slept over his place but did nothing? That's kind of hard to believe. Not to mention she staying at a stranger's place is trashy in and of itself.

 

Ya I asked her if she did anything else and she said she didn't. She said she promised all she did was kiss on the second time. I thought it was a little hard to believe too. But I believed her when she said she didn't do anything.

[Crosswords]

Oooh, that's where you took a left turn. There was nothing to forgive.

 

The correct move was "No problem, we aren't exclusive and I don't think any less of you. You're an attractive woman, and I don't blame any guy who would take a shot at dating you. Let's just agree to keep seeing each other and not let our other dates interfere with that. Let's also agree to keep each other informed if we meet somebody that holds some promise. I really appreciate you telling me this, and I promise to be just as open with you if the need ever arises."

 

It was way too soon for you to do what you did, and I wonder if you got played.

 

I forgave her because it seemed like she felt super bad about it, and the fact is I didn't want her to feel terrible. I like what her and I have a lot. And if it was just a kiss it doesn't mean much.

I don't know if I've been 'played'. If she did it now when we agreed on exclusivity then I would get played..

[Crosswords]

I really like this woman. I want to stay and build something with her. But I feel like I need to know everything that happened. Like why she chose to go to his place if her feelings for me were strong. I want to get over this and past it - forget it like it never happened, as I know it will only be detrimental to keep thinking about it. But I don't know how to realease it.

 

Would it be wise to ask her to tell me everything and have a very open conversation about this, or should I just try to let it go and forget about it and not bring it up?

[Kitchen]

Would it be wise to ask her to tell me everything and have a very open conversation about this, or should I just try to let it go and forget about it and not bring it up?

 

Don't ask for details. They will only make you feel worse. Besides, the fact that she stayed over a stranger's house and then made out is detail enough. What difference does it make whether his hands were up her shirt? The fact that his tongue was in her mouth is enough information to make your decision. It's not like one would be okay for you but the other isn't. Know what I mean?

 

Your sole job now is to be 100% honest with yourself, to know yourself, to know whether you can accept it or not. And not to feel guilt either way. Everyone is different. I learned a lot about myself and I know I simply can't accept it, but that's me. I talked to both of my best friends who are far more liberal than I am with these things and said they wouldn't give a **** as long as they weren't exclusive, and in some cases even if they were. We're all good people just have different preferences.

 

Good luck.

[Mrin]

A few things. 1. You do not need to know what all happened. You weren't exclusive. 2. You can pretty much bet it was more than a two second kiss. I mean, you meet woman, flirt with her, bring her back to your house and she spends the night. You think there is just a single kiss happening? 3. You still don't need to know. 4. If your going to do this thing then it started for real when you went exclusive. Anything else just really doesn't matter.

[lolablue17]

I never understood why people think that exclusivity should be verbally pronounced. To be clear about it, I think otherwise. I think that if someone wants to see multiple people, he\she's should be the one to pronounce it.

 

Sometimes people have a connection and a good vibe right from the beginning. If i met a girl who I i had this kind of vibe with her, I would have been very insulted if i knew she's dating another guy while this period. It wouldn't matter to me it it was verbally said or not.

 

For me, it's the vibe I get, and the feeling I sense. She stayed over and kissed another guy? You feel very uncomfortable because you know that although It's not cheating, yet it's a bit of misleading. She also knows she misled you, that why she felt so guilty. I would think twice before getting in to a relationship with someone who misled me like this.

 

Take a note that the fact she's telling you it's was only a kiss... well, I wouldn't be so positive about it. I've seen and heard so many stories in which the guilt made people to confess a minor thing. It made them feel better, but the didn't tell the whole truth...

 

Listen to your guts. You feel bad about it, right? Because your gut knows it's a problem.

Edited May 22, 2017 by lolablue17

[preraph]

This is a case of her spilling her guts to a guy she's only known three weeks, you, and I think it's her odd way of telling you she already feels you two should be exclusive. At 3 weeks, both of you should be fine with the other dating other people.

[Crosswords]

A few things. 1. You do not need to know what all happened. You weren't exclusive. 2. You can pretty much bet it was more than a two second kiss. I mean, you meet woman, flirt with her, bring her back to your house and she spends the night. You think there is just a single kiss happening? 3. You still don't need to know. 4. If your going to do this thing then it started for real when you went exclusive. Anything else just really doesn't matter.

 

Yea. True.

 

She did say when she slept over she didn't sleep in his bed. And they did only kiss once..

 

How do I totally let this whole thing go. Because this whole scenario does matter to me. But her and my relationship also matters to me too

[Kitchen]

It really doesn't matter whether it was 3 weeks or 3 months. There's no grace period in dating where it's okay to multidate, after which it's wrong. The intensity and the vibe, as someone else pointed out, is what matters. Furthermore, your own morals and values play a part.

 

This is why only OP can decide for himself what to make of this, and nobody else should judge.

 

There are people out there who feel that even in a relationship, kissing others is not cheating....I've seen that too.

[Miss Peach]

I disagree with a lot of this thread. No one ever made anything official before this confession. The OP could have been dating multiple women. There really shouldn't have been anything to forgive IMO even though it might be tough to hear.

 

If both of them are willing to go exclusive and give things a chance, then what matters is that they both honor their agreement from that point forward IMO.

[thefooloftheyear]

I disagree with a lot of this thread. No one ever made anything official before this confession. The OP could have been dating multiple women. There really shouldn't have been anything to forgive IMO even though it might be tough to hear.

 

If both of them are willing to go exclusive and give things a chance, then what matters is that they both honor their agreement from that point forward IMO.

 

I hear what you are saying and you aren't technically wrong....When does the "exclusive" proclamation get made?? Is there an official document?? I dunno...Ive never had anything like that..

 

 

The way I would take it is one of two ways...

 

1)...She didn't think enough of me so she went ahead and took other offers...Committed or not, I wouldn't feel so great about that...

 

2)...She's lying about not caring and really liked the other guy, but he went and dropped her on her head..Now she sees me as the backup or safe landing...

 

Either way, I don't think I would continue with her...Especially due to the fact that she is 32....I mean, I guess taking someone's phone number in case the current guy(OP) doesn't work out...yeah, I could see that...But going back to his place, stay the night, and kiss the guy(assuming that's all it was)??

 

Its the type of thing you would expect from someone much younger...I would think someone at her age would be eager to give someone she is already seeing a fair shot without risking losing that person over something like this...Because as the thread shows, its not cool for most people..

 

TFY

Edited May 22, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[coolheadal]

Yea. True.

 

She did say when she slept over she didn't sleep in his bed. And they did only kiss once..

 

How do I totally let this whole thing go. Because this whole scenario does matter to me. But her and my relationship also matters to me too

 

Oh man, are you serious about her though? She's lying to you and saying whatever you want to hear. She slept in his bed and made love. Come on now just a kiss really get real and wake-up. You allow this to go on and yet you won't give her up. The fact she's doing it with other guys doesn't bother. Best you and her get tested for STDs if she doing this on regular bases. Sounds like swingers to me in a since you have her at your beck and call and she can experience other men. I wouldn't even stay with a woman like this I would have kicked her out and find someone else who didn't play this crap on me.

[caitlinf33]

I'm gonna call a spade a spade. Something is really off about this story. There was obviously an ulterior motive for her telling you about this other guy unless she is just very immature and doesn't realize the risk she was taking in revealing this.

 

First off, in no way can you consider you are exclusive 3 weeks in unless you have discussed this. So inherently I don't think she did anything wrong. But why confess it? I think either she was trying to gauge your interest and determine if you are seeing other people, or she was trying to make you jealous to lock you down so to speak.

 

If you like her, no worries - congrats you are now in an exclusive relationship! But it seems kind of soon, and i would just be cautious of her trying to manipulate you in the future.

[mightycpa]

I never understood why people think that exclusivity should be verbally pronounced. To be clear about it, I think otherwise. I think that if someone wants to see multiple people, he\she's should be the one to pronounce it.

Really? Because that's the way everybody starts out... not exclusive to each other. That doesn't change because you have a date.

 

Your way would be confusing, and possibly quite rude... you meet up for coffee or a coke one afternoon to become acquainted. It's a date!

 

One hour later, when you leave, do you actually believe that you have to say "oh, and I think we should continue to see other people for now... is next Friday night still good?" and a failure to do that means you're now joined at the hip?

 

Doesn't sound right to me.

[mightycpa]

Yea. True.

 

She did say when she slept over she didn't sleep in his bed. And they did only kiss once..

 

How do I totally let this whole thing go. Because this whole scenario does matter to me. But her and my relationship also matters to me too

I don't get it... let's say she slept with a guy before she met you. Does that bother you? What about after the first date? The second? Did you ask her to be exclusive before she unloaded this on you? Aren't you glad you got picked?

 

I totally don't get your problem with this. Assuming her story was true:

 

1) She could have never mentioned it and you'd be in the dark.

2) She could have told you and not picked you and you'd be unhappy.

3) She confessed, felt contrite, picked you and corralled you. Best of all worlds.

 

Assuming her story isn't true:

 

1) She never saw any guy, this was a ploy to soften you up because she wanted you.

2) She banged him like a screen door in a hurricane, felt bad, because it made her realize she wanted you.

3) She banged him like a screen door in a hurricane, loved it, decided that she wants both of you. Not likely.

 

In the end, you've gotten what you wanted. How can you possibly feel bad about this? Leave it alone, and put it in her past. Where it actually is.

[dumbass2]

I'd have no problem if she said that she had been dating someone else at the same time she is dating you and that she had decided that she really like you and wants to focus on you and see how things go. I'd have a problem if she told me after dating 4-5 times that she hooked up on a one night stand the other night, but after doing so, decided she wants to be exclusive with me all of the sudden. First off, I don't think I'd want to have the "exclusive" talk after only 4-5 dates. I probably would have said that I appreciate her telling me but she really didn't have to and that I would still like to "date" her and see where things go, but that's it for now. For me, I just don't see someone over 30 going from hook up one night to wanting a committed monogamous relationship the next.

[Crosswords]

I'd have no problem if she said that she had been dating someone else at the same time she is dating you and that she had decided that she really like you and wants to focus on you and see how things go. I'd have a problem if she told me after dating 4-5 times that she hooked up on a one night stand the other night, but after doing so, decided she wants to be exclusive with me all of the sudden. First off, I don't think I'd want to have the "exclusive" talk after only 4-5 dates. I probably would have said that I appreciate her telling me but she really didn't have to and that I would still like to "date" her and see where things go, but that's it for now. For me, I just don't see someone over 30 going from hook up one night to wanting a committed monogamous relationship the next.

 

So you'd have a problem if you were in my scenario right now? Her and I only seeing one another 4-5 dates and then all of a sudden she sleeps at some guys house and goes on another date with him and then wanting exclusivity with me.

[Crosswords]

I don't get it... let's say she slept with a guy before she met you. Does that bother you? What about after the first date? The second? Did you ask her to be exclusive before she unloaded this on you? Aren't you glad you got picked?

 

I totally don't get your problem with this. Assuming her story was true:

 

1) She could have never mentioned it and you'd be in the dark.

2) She could have told you and not picked you and you'd be unhappy.

3) She confessed, felt contrite, picked you and corralled you. Best of all worlds.

 

Assuming her story isn't true:

 

1) She never saw any guy, this was a ploy to soften you up because she wanted you.

2) She banged him like a screen door in a hurricane, felt bad, because it made her realize she wanted you.

3) She banged him like a screen door in a hurricane, loved it, decided that she wants both of you. Not likely.

 

In the end, you've gotten what you wanted. How can you possibly feel bad about this? Leave it alone, and put it in her past. Where it actually is.

 

 

I feel bad about it because...

 

For the first 4 dates we were only seeing each other. We even said to one another 'I'm not seeing anyone else right now'. I was under the impression I didn't t need to be worried. I chose not to go on other dates. We had an excellent connection and I had even slept over twice - albeit without sex, but there was heavy making out. Things between us were excellent and always have been.

The night she went to this guys house she had been texting me all night so it's a little baffling she was with another guy at that time.

 

But the main bothersome piece of all, is that this is the foundation of our relationship.. her going to some random guys house after 4 dates with me, with or maybe without sex, and then going on a date with a kiss. It makes me feel like I was just an option or something. I dunno. It just sucks!

 

Yes, she's chosen me to be exclusive with.. but still. i feel like chopped liver

[Popsicle]

Why in the world would she confess that to you? What a stupid thing to do.