I'm not interested in sex b/c DH is a lousy lover

[Mrs. John Adams]

In one of our more brutal arguments, my ex-wife said something to the effect of "you just get on top and stick it in". This from a woman that said "no" to every suggested or attempted foreplay, position, toy, oil or form of oral sex.

 

I'm not projecting that onto the OP, but I do agree there are two sides to every story, this one included...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Exactly....I am not projecting on to the op either ....but one wonders what has she actually done to help him? You cannot just expect your partner to know what turns you on. In addition...i have found that things that turned me on years ago dont really work anymore. I like some thing now I did not used to like. How can John know that if I dont tell him? and you know HOW I tell him...honey try this...oh that feels so good!

Music to his ears....and no where in that was I critical. If I said to him...god I hate that...you cant do anything right....he will give up.

 

I am not saying the op is doing this...I am asking...what have you done to help him and what has been your approach? Are you in harmony outside of the bedroom....or are there also other issues and resentments?

[BlackCherry]

Oh man, I feel for you OP. I had a similar problem in my last LTR (we were only together two and a half years though). My ex was awful in bed. He was selfish, didn't have any ability it seemed to be able to tell or perceive how I was responding to things from simple stuff like body language or whether I was moaning or not, and had a mind like a sieve. At first we were having sex a few times per week, it wasn't good but I kept hoping it would get better. By the last year and a bit it was once every month at most, and that was only because I felt guilty like a mid twenties couple 'should' be having sex so I'd initiate it to get it over with.

 

I'd never had this problem before... I'm very adventurous and have a high sex drive, and have usually had great chemistry with a guy or at least been able to learn how one another worked enough to make the sex decent. But with my ex it never got better than abysmal.

 

I'm not sure how to describe it but it was like he didn't understand how a woman's body worked. His idea of foreplay was kissing me for a minute, putting his hand down my knickers, rubbing where he thought my clitoris was vigorously for thirty seconds then trying to stick it in without any awareness or care that I wasn't remotely aroused and was still dry. On so many occasions I would gently suggest or directly ask him to do something that might turn me on, I'm not shy about sex nor am I hard to figure out (I mean basic stuff like kissing my neck or nipples... he rarely bothered to even take my bra off during sex), and he'd do it begrudgingly for a few moments and then next time we had sex it was like he'd forgotten we ever discussed it. He'd happily accept oral but went down on me maybe four or five times our whole relationship even though that was the only way I could get off at the time. He gave me precisely zero orgasms. Ever.

 

It was so awful. I dreaded the sex. I brought it up a year or so in after trying everything I could to improve things (I suggested we use toys and he said no as 'I want us to get good at sex normally before relying on toys', asking him for what I wanted, guiding him, spending lots of time pleasuring him hoping he'd realise how much fun it is to give and give me some attention back), to his credit he listened without getting defensive but nothing changed. He didn't put any more effort in. Eventuallly it got to the point we weren't having sex at all because he darent initiate as he was scared of doing it wrong and I didn't initiate other than monthly duty sex as I knew I'd get literally nothing from it. It just ground to a halt.

 

I went from a very sexual adventurous woman who was game for anything to a dried up husk, it was like being with him crushed my sexuality. I stopped even masturbating as my drive evaporates through knowing I wasn't ever gonna get decent sex again. I can't explain how much I missed experiencing sexual pleasure or spending the day in bed playing with someone.

 

I lost respect for him ultimately, as a man. It was hard to respect him as a partner when he didn't understand how a woman's body worked or care about pleasuring his partner. I started to see him more as a little boy, just pawing at and grabbing me randomly until he got off then going to sleep. I can't believe it went on as long as it did.

 

Thankfully we split up, in the end. I vowed never again to have a R with someone I didn't have sexual chemistry with. I met my current partner shortly afterwards and I was so emotionally damaged from my ex I felt like I must be ugly naked or really unattractive and it took me a while to regain my confidence (it's crazy cos I knew rationally I was attractive... I have an attractive face, I'm tall and slim with large pert breasts and I've never felt so ugly as when I was being sexually ignored by my ex). We clicked sexually instantly and in the first month had sex more frequently than I did in several years with my ex. To feel sexual pleasure again and have that part of my personality open to me, to be able to try new things and really get off on giving and receiving pleasure, to be able to feel those feelings again has been the most incredibly awakening. He's younger than my ex but I remember now how it feels to have someone cherish you physically, gaze at you with hunger and explore and stimulate every millimetre of your body... we have an in joke that I came to him like a dried up brown crackly flower that had been parched for years, and he watered me with so much attention and affection I've grown back into a beautiful succulent flower once more. He relishes me as I do him. I thought I'd never experience that again.

 

Before my ex i'd never have believed I could have a relationship so sexually dead or meet a man I couldn't at least meet halfway into having acceptable sex. After being with him I realise some people are just clueless and selfish, a horrible combo. An enthusiastic but clueless partner can be trained into being good in bed. But if someone is clueless and also doesn't seem to care, it's dead. I used to resent him so much for having me as his gf and not wanting to make the most of us sexually. In retrospect I think that either he's asexual, possibly gay, or just didn't remotely fancy me.

 

When we broke up it hurt but my first thought was thank god I never have to suffer through a sexual encounter with him ever again. I'd rather be celibate. It's absolutely heart breaking to have to be intimate with somebody when there's nothing in it for you, the resentment just escalates.

 

I don't know if this rings any bells or if maybe your situation is salvageable. But my question is: if this never changes and this is the sex you'll have for the rest of your life, could you stay with him?

 

I stuck it out cos there were good things in the R too. But sex is so important to me, I don't think I would ever tolerate this stuff again. I used to feel embarrassed for him. I'm sure I sound like a horrible person but after months and months of trying desperately to get someone to learn basic foreplay who isn't interested, while they manage to happily get their orgasms and go to sleep, it was impossible not to resent him and see him as an annoying little boy in the bedroom. I couldn't respect him as a man anymore.

[BlackCherry]

Exactly....I am not projecting on to the op either ....but one wonders what has she actually done to help him? You cannot just expect your partner to know what turns you on. In addition...i have found that things that turned me on years ago dont really work anymore. I like some thing now I did not used to like. How can John know that if I dont tell him? and you know HOW I tell him...honey try this...oh that feels so good!

Music to his ears....and no where in that was I critical. If I said to him...god I hate that...you cant do anything right....he will give up.

 

I am not saying the op is doing this...I am asking...what have you done to help him and what has been your approach? Are you in harmony outside of the bedroom....or are there also other issues and resentments?

 

That's great that it would be music to John's ears... but now imagine that you told him this, he begrudgingly did it for a few seconds (and you couldn't enjoy it knowing his heart wasn't in it) and then he never did it again and simply forget every time any coaching or guidance you'd given him before.

 

I don't get the sense that the problem is in how the OP is trying to guide her husband. I get the sense that the husband is clueless sexually (e.g. Thinking women urinate from their vaginas!) and either cannot or will not act on any guidance.

 

Plus after a certain point when the resentment has built so much from so many years of disappointment, I imagine it's hard to enjoy anything as every time you get into bed you're primed for disappointment.

[BluesPower]

I have just never understood how a man cannot figure out a woman's body or understand how to be sensual and give her whatever she needs.

 

I mean it is not rocket science, what is the deal. And the same for women who don't understand, men do not require rocket science either.

 

I am not some super stud that can just walk in the room and a woman has an orgasm. I learned when I was young and it does not seem that hard. At this point in my life I just really enjoy giving, now just my GF, women pleasure. That is the exciting part.

 

I will just never understand why people don't get this stuff. I mean you learn how to drive a car, why can't people understand how sex works.

 

I will say this, if I don't have good chemistry with a woman, then there is no next date, sorry. I will give it a couple of shots and teach a little if I have to, but that is as far as I go...

[BlackCherry]

Thanks BP. I eventually took it to be pure selfishness. He knew I wasn't enjoying our sex life and that I'd asked and suggested how things could be improved, but he just didn't care. The not remembering things from one interaction to another was the biggest sign to me that he just didn't care. If your girlfriend says on a Monday 'oh babe it would really turn me on if you just kissed my neck or my ear for a while before getting naked' and then four days later you forget this and go straight back to the type of foreplay I described that's not just ineptitude, that's not caring about your partner's pleasure. The number of times I'd give him a long massage with neck kissing and stroking followed by oral without him giving me anything in return was insane. I even started jokingly stopping midway through and saying 'now my turn!' And he'd do it for a couple minutes but then went to stick himself inside me and start having sex before I was even slightly aroused. Urgh.

 

Giving pleasure is a joy when you love someone, for me anyway. My current relationship is like this... we're both givers and it pays dividends. I'm so grateful for the hours he will spend giving me attention without expecting anything in return I do the same back. This week for example I must have gone down on him four or five times... we're pretty kinky and there's nothing either of us has said 'no' to trying out with each other yet. I feel very uninhibited around him, whereas with my ex it got to the stage I'd feel too self conscious to be naked around him with the lights on, I'd even go get changed in another room.

 

People either enjoy giving pleasure or they don't, and if they do you can work with that.. if they don't it's a losing battle. I never cheated and never would but I can see how someone people are tempted if that is all they are getting at home. When I hear of husbands or wives saying their spouse isn't interested and keeps rejecting them sexually I wonder whether they have thought about whether what they're doing is doing anything for their partner. A few months before the end he brought it up asking why we didn't have sex anymore and I was honestly gobsmacked that he didn't know, after everything we'd discussed previously. Why would I want to have sex with someone when it felt not only neutral most of the time but often downright painful (try having rough sex as a woman when you're not aroused enough... it can lead to all kinds of problems from the chafing like thrush, BV or just be painful).

 

I have friends who grew up not having much luck with women who did tonnes of research on how to please a woman, understand female anatomy, watched porn and read books to make sure that when they were with a girl they had some ideas for how best to give her pleasure. That's a great attitude to have. And it goes both ways, I'm sure many men are in sexless marriages cos their wives are awful in bed, put zero effort in, just lie there or are too inhibited to try new things. Sexual compatibility is so important to me, especially now I know how deep the resentment can grow when you have a lover who is selfish and terrible in bed.

[BlackCherry]

I will add the reason I got into this mess with my ex was that I decided not to have sex with him until we had decided on being in a relationship... I really liked him and didn't want to be in a position where we had sex, we didn't take things into a R and I found it hard to get over him after having that intimacy. So by the time I realised the sex was as bad as it was we'd already become boyfriend and girlfriend, started to develop strong feelings and i just kept hoping things would get better.

 

The next time I was single and dating I realised I needed to have sex with a guy before committing to him or risk being in the same position as before, even though I knew it'd hurt to sleep together and then not take things further into a R. So that's what we did and I have to say, even if we'd have slept together and then stopped seeing one another I'd rather deal with getting over that than risk being stuck in a poor sex relationship for years on end. I think people who wait until marriage are taking a massive risk.

[Cephalopod]

Until 2 years ago, he literally thought I urinated from my vagina. He doesn't even know the body parts. His ego is fragile, so every time the subject is broached, I backed down.

 

He just doesn't get it.

 

We've been discussing and his hurt ego is suffering. We are barely speaking and he's depressed.

 

Sandyfeet please realize that not all men are subjected to sexual education while growing up. Many men, myself included, have had to learn about female sexuality as we go along, and many of us learn a lot of erroneous information that ends up getting us in trouble. I think you are holding your husband to an unfair standard. Who are you comparing him with? Was there a sexual partner from your past who really rung your bell? Are you stuck in a pattern of comparing your husband with past lovers?

 

I recommend that you buy him some books about female sexuality and have him read them. Also, the two of you should read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, take the online test, and find out what your languages are. It could be that the two of you are not communicating in the right way with each other.

 

Also, what do you do to sexually please your husband? Do you seduce him, treat him like a king inside and outside of the bedroom? Do you dress sexy for him and try to do things to make him feel like you appreciate him?

 

I see a lot of shaming behavior going on, most of it caused by your frustration, but I would ask that you step back and try to see if some of this logjam is of your own making. There comes a time when you need to back off and let him study and dwell on the things you have offered him. Take the pressure off of him. Try just being his girlfriend instead of his wife. Set up dates to go out and do fun things together instead of making everything about how he doesn't please you in the sack.

[Cephalopod]

Thanks BP. I eventually took it to be pure selfishness. He knew I wasn't enjoying our sex life and that I'd asked and suggested how things could be improved, but he just didn't care. The not remembering things from one interaction to another was the biggest sign to me that he just didn't care. If your girlfriend says on a Monday 'oh babe it would really turn me on if you just kissed my neck or my ear for a while before getting naked' and then four days later you forget this and go straight back to the type of foreplay I described that's not just ineptitude, that's not caring about your partner's pleasure. The number of times I'd give him a long massage with neck kissing and stroking followed by oral without him giving me anything in return was insane. I even started jokingly stopping midway through and saying 'now my turn!' And he'd do it for a couple minutes but then went to stick himself inside me and start having sex before I was even slightly aroused. Urgh.

 

Giving pleasure is a joy when you love someone, for me anyway. My current relationship is like this... we're both givers and it pays dividends. I'm so grateful for the hours he will spend giving me attention without expecting anything in return I do the same back. This week for example I must have gone down on him four or five times... we're pretty kinky and there's nothing either of us has said 'no' to trying out with each other yet. I feel very uninhibited around him, whereas with my ex it got to the stage I'd feel too self conscious to be naked around him with the lights on, I'd even go get changed in another room.

 

People either enjoy giving pleasure or they don't, and if they do you can work with that.. if they don't it's a losing battle. I never cheated and never would but I can see how someone people are tempted if that is all they are getting at home. When I hear of husbands or wives saying their spouse isn't interested and keeps rejecting them sexually I wonder whether they have thought about whether what they're doing is doing anything for their partner. A few months before the end he brought it up asking why we didn't have sex anymore and I was honestly gobsmacked that he didn't know, after everything we'd discussed previously. Why would I want to have sex with someone when it felt not only neutral most of the time but often downright painful (try having rough sex as a woman when you're not aroused enough... it can lead to all kinds of problems from the chafing like thrush, BV or just be painful).

 

I have friends who grew up not having much luck with women who did tonnes of research on how to please a woman, understand female anatomy, watched porn and read books to make sure that when they were with a girl they had some ideas for how best to give her pleasure. That's a great attitude to have. And it goes both ways, I'm sure many men are in sexless marriages cos their wives are awful in bed, put zero effort in, just lie there or are too inhibited to try new things. Sexual compatibility is so important to me, especially now I know how deep the resentment can grow when you have a lover who is selfish and terrible in bed.

 

I think it's all about compatibility.

 

My cheating ex-WW berated me, during our divorce, for being lousy in bed. But I always reminded her that she never failed to have several Os whenever we made love. But this was mostly before she started throwing her legs up for multiple affair partners, so in the end she was comparing me to them.

 

Now, my current partner and I have multiple O's whenever we have sex, and our foreplay is equally satisfying. She tells me I am great in bed and one of the best partners she has ever had.

 

Now here is the thing, I am not doing anything that vastly different now than what I did with my ex-WW, and all I can conclude is that my current partner and I are just more compatible sexually than my ex and I were. But then, we are more compatible in a number of ways than my ex and I were...monogamy being one facet.

 

I am of the belief that two partners can try every sexual trick in the book, try every new technique, try every sex position in the Kama Sutra from front to back, and yet if there is no compatibility, the experience will always come up short.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, on another note I read somewhere that there are people of both sexes who are so called certified sex coaches. I forget the correct term used for them but in essence those people who are inexperienced in matters of sex or are inhibited or have some sort of hang up about sex are referred by doctors to such people who then coach them by gradually breaking down their inhibitions or retraining them in the way they approach sex including breaking down rigid ideas they may have about the how to and what to do so as to make sex satisfying both for themselves and their partners. There is actual sex involved toward the end of the therapy which may last weeks, depending on the needs and progress made by the person receiving the therapy. Of course, such therapy is best for unmarried people who are not confident on the sexual front

For somebody married it may not be advisable because it involves non monogamy

These people are paid professionals. Just a thought. Warm wishes.

[harrybrown]

Most people are not mind readers.

 

Try with your counseling to start the communication.

[preraph]

Most people are not mind readers.

 

Try with your counseling to start the communication.

 

Talking has fallen on deaf ears.

 

Maybe get him an illustrated sex manual (and no, not porn because you already know how to get HIM off).

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, further to what I wrote in my last post I seem to remember that these so called sex coaches are termed Surrogates. I may be wrong but if my memory serves me right that is the term that comes to mind. In fact I seem to remember that there was an article in some magazine about the story of one such particular person.

 

On a lighter note, Sandy could organize a trip for her husband to visit the famous Khajuraho temples in India. One visit would be worth a lifetime of sex education! Also she could get him an illustrated copy of the 'Kama Sutra' manual. Really nothing to beat it. Just saying. Warm wishes.

[road]

Hi Folks, further to what I wrote in my last post I seem to remember that these so called sex coaches are termed Surrogates. I may be wrong but if my memory serves me right that is the term that comes to mind. In fact I seem to remember that there was an article in some magazine about the story of one such particular person.

 

 

Google movie with Helen Hunt role where that is her job.

[elaine567]

The bottom line is that with wonders of the internet he could have researched the female anatomy, he could have widely read about how to please a woman in bed but truth is he is not that interested.

The sex he gets works for him. He doesn't need any "complications" being added to the mix.

He has repeatedly ignored the OP's suggestions as to how to make the sex better for years.

He doesn't need the Kama Sutra, or any other sex manuals or a sex therapist or any other instruction available on the net or in real life, to his mind he is fine the way he is.

He, I guess is not stupid, he could have researched the subject inside out, but he has CHOSEN not to and that is what the OP is up against here.

 

The situation is like the man with the dead starfish wife, he can tell her to move around a bit, tell her how to please him better but the dead starfish position works for her and she always then reverts to where she is most comfortable. Poke the hornets nest and she is offended, she becomes defensive and shuts down much in the same way the OPs husband is doing here.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Elaine, you've summed up the problem beautifully. However, what is the solution? The OP wants the good folk on here to suggest remedies to her situation and your summing up has made that difficult. To my mind the only remedies for the OP would be a) She cheats on him and has an affair, or b) They agree on an open marriage or c) She divorces him and moves on with her life. The first remedy may just not be palatable to the OP. The second one requires huge dollops of trust and a very strong marriage and from the looks of it, would be completely unacceptable to the husband and possibly even to the OP. To me the third remedy seems the only viable one if, what you have said of her husband is absolutely true and indisputable.

 

I guess Sandy, you have been given various postulations and possible solutions. You know your husband and you know what he is capable of doing and not doing. Finally, you wear the shoe and you know where it pinches. I guess, in the end it is going to be your call as to what you want to do to remedy your situation. Fourteen years is a long time to put up with someone's selfishness and you just have to take matters in your own hands. Warm wishes.

[Southern Gent]

Men are just thick-headed, aren't they? And our egos are very fragile...

 

 

Anything said about our sexual prowess in a negative way can get in our heads, and we automatically become extremely defensive.

 

 

POSITIVE comments when we do something right is always a good thing. You might try to focus on making positive comments ONLY, and say them when he does do something right. Never say anything negative when it comes to sex. Unfortunately, sex doesn't come with a manual, and some men don't understand what or how to maximize a woman's pleasure.

 

 

In the days before the internet, the only way to learn anything about sex outside of the actual act was to read books or watch porn. Porn is NOT a good source for learning about sex. Maybe you can print off a picture of the vagina with an explanation of what does what, pleasure points, etc., and just leave it somewhere around the house. If he asks about it, just say it was for you so you could learn about yourself. Leave it out, nonetheless. Maybe, just maybe, he'll take a look at it.

 

 

Sometimes, we all get those "ding, ding, ding" moments. Maybe he will. There's absolutely nothing more glorious (and a turn on) than seeing the woman you love in ecstasy! Good luck!

[RecentChange]

Go buy The Joy of Sex.

 

It's an oldie but a goodie. It's simple, it's illistrated, you two can read together and point out things you may like.

 

My parents had a copy, no idea if they ever knew I got my hands on it when I was younger, but I can tell you my lovers surely benefitted!

 

I always remember one section dedicated to alternative erogenous zones... Tracing finger nails across his sides (ribs) little places to pay attention to like neck, earlobes etc.

[IndigoNight]

OP, if all you do is correct him, and tell him how to touch you, it is understandable that he is getting tired of it. No one responds well to only hearing criticism and corrections, without positive feed back. When you tell him "go slower" make sure when he does that you say something encouraging like " It feels so good when you do that." The more you encourage him, and not correct him, the more likely he is to respond and learn. If a lover is getting more corrections, even if valid, than encouragement, they are likely to reach the "Why do I even bother to try? I never get anything right anyway." stage.

 

Whether you realize it or not, it took both of you to create the bad sex life you have; because you didn't speak up sooner, and he apparently never learned how to be sexually diverse (and likely many other reasons on both sides). It will take both of you being willing to work at it, open communication, patience, respect and compassion to fix it. If all you do is get frustrated because you have to tell him what to do, and he gets tired of being talked to like he is inadequate in bed, things are likely to remain unchanged or even get worse.

 

Sure, it's frustrating to have to explain to him how to please you, but after all these years have you considered that perhaps he feels lied to? How emasculating, and emotionally deflating it must be to hear that you have always thought he was/is bad in bed. How frustrating it must be for you that he struggles to get it right, but continues to fall short.

 

I apologize if I come across as being insensitive to, as it is not my intent. My response comes from having spent years as a sex therapist listening to one partner placing the majority, if not all, of the blame on their lover for their unsatisfying sex life. It was rarely the truth; it takes two people to create a bad sex life that lasts for years. (It also takes two people to have a very satisfying sex life that lasts for years, as well.) No one wants to hear their lover admit to feigning/faking pleasure for years; be it man or woman. It's hurtful, and in many ways dishonest. No one wants to feel like their lover needs an instruction manual on how to please them. (There have been several great suggestions on books in this thread. Happy reading to you and your husband! Read them together and mark pages/sections you'd like to explore further.)

 

How does the OP fix an unsatisfying sex life? (The gender can be interchanged depending on the parties involved. I am using the OPs situation in general terms)

 

First, both parties have to acknowledge their individual part(s) in how their sex life became so unsatisfying, and why it was accepted for as long as it has been. (I doubt if she is completely dissatisfied that he truly believes their sex life is great. Although, it is possible.) No blame, no accusations, but more of a realization of what they each did, or did not do, to foster a happy and healthy sex life with one another.

 

Then, both have to be willing to work on improving their intimacy and communication. I would even suggest that they work on their intimacy and romance outside of the bedroom, before even attempting to have sex. (Unfortunately, when someone has spent years unsatisfied in bed, it can be difficult to climb in bed believing "This time will be different") Holding hands, cuddling while watching a movie, take a relaxing bath together, going for a walk at sunset, or whatever activities they find pleasure in doing together.

 

There is a benefit to taking a break from sex temporarily, and focusing on the positive parts of the relationship. Build on the parts that do work, and strengthen the weaknesses that have formed over time due to an unsatisfying sex life (and any other issues that need to be resolved). Find the spark, and nurture it, until it becomes passion for one another. Passion for one's partner is one of the most vital components to a truly satisfying sex life. Wanting their attention, craving their body next to your own, needing to feel their kisses and caresses, etc. are all parts of what turns mediocre sex into mind blowing sex.

 

Stop having the same unsatisfying sex by refusing to allow, and participating in, it. Find new places, positions, times of the day or week, and make a concerted effort to make it passionate, and different from what the two of you have accepted for years. Rent a hotel room, refuse to have sex in your bed/bedroom until you have enjoyed every other place in the house possible, sneak in a quickie during lunch, or before breakfast.

 

Whatever excites you, and him, try it! Each of you write down things you'd like to try on little pieces of paper, fold them up and put them in a jar or bowl. Switch off who gets to grab a piece of paper out of the jar (coin flip, or some sort of challenge/bet to make it interesting; winner gets to take a slip of paper from the jar), and then do what is on the paper. You could even roll a die to see how many pieces of paper get picked. Be creative with it, and make it fun!

 

Sorry for the long response. I can be a bit long winded at times, but I do hope the information helps in some way.

 

Best of luck!

Edited June 2, 2017 by IndigoNight

[Mz. Pixie]

She Comes First. It's a book. You're welcome.

 

"Honey my body is changing a bit. Let's try this this and that"

[Mycatsnuggles]

I can relate to the husband who really is not interested pleasing their spouse and mainly interested in his own pleasure. It's incredibly frustrating and their sensitive ego does not respond well to suggestions for change.

 

Purchase a decent vibrator and use it with him first. He will appreciate the improved sex, (because it will be better for him also) and you will finally get yours. He may even take a few hints from the way you use the vibrator. Good luck.

[Daisydooks]

I brought a toy over in the early days of dating. We have been together for about 3.5 years. I chose a toy that was smaller than he was just in case, so as not to offend him in any way. He was ok with toys but I didn't want to hurt him or throw him off with a huge or crazy dong. l brought my fave toy, and it was vibrator not more than 4 or 5 inches

 

I was sitting on the counter while he made dinner (no idea why as I never do this,) and he leaned for a kiss, and stood in between my legs, picked me up like a little monkey, I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his shoulders, turned the stove off (dinner was ruined after that and we ordered in later,) and then proceeded to carry me into the bedroom, he grabbed my toy with me in his arms still, laid me down on the bed, took all my clothes off slowly and said "show me how you do it."

 

I then proceeded to show him exactly how I play when he isn't around. I don't know that he had ever had that happen in front of him before so he watched intently, making sure to take it all in Lol! It was definitely a sexy night.

 

There has always been that attraction and deep sexual connection to one another from the second we met. Neither of us like vanilla sex however. So that's helps.

 

I absolutely hated the way he went down on me and he was too rough at first. Not gropy, but no woman had ever said "do it this way, I like this." It was obvious, as he also assumed women came in like 1 minute. Never. Not once..... ok maybe once. Hahaha I don't know a single woman he dated who was honest with him, so I felt it was only fair to be honest. It sounded to me like he had had women faking orgasms for years for absolutely no reason. He is capable. Lol. He was misguided. I have always known what I liked in bed, and where I love to be touched, what turns me on and what makes me hot... I wasn't a "I am 30 and just learning what my clitoris is for." I learned what I liked at a very early age so it helped a whole lot when it came to teaching someone else what I liked

 

I have never said I hated it to him but have tried to guide him to do what I wanted. It was too rough and I don't mind rough-ish, provided you don't start out that way. Haha. So we had to work through that with softness even though it meant I had to repeat myself a bit, tell him to slow down, stop him entirely, or move this way or that way. Fortunately it was early on that I had said something though. Our connection has always been there but we did have a few kinks to work through

 

I found that showing him was the best way for him to understand and "see" what I was doing so he could do it too

 

I don't know that me saying something now would be taken the same way. If I said what I said then, now, he may feel attacked or feel a blow to his ego so i absolutely love that you have chosen to "spice up your sex life" instead of telling him you've always kind of felt he was very vanilla. I agree on the toy thing. It doesn't have to be anything intimidating but maybe watching you could be hot for him, and may help him see what you like.

 

Talk to him. Ask him what you could do differently. Ask him if there are things he wants to see you in. Be playful. Be kind. Try your very best to show him it's not just what he is doing but that you're willing to spice things up on your end too. Even if you feel like you're way sexier than the vanilla sex you're having. It's the dialogue he may need to hear instead of you telling him while in the bedroom and leaving him feeling inadequate.

[Daisydooks]

Listen, I know that maybe he has a fragile ego, ok cool. But like Cephalopod says, girl you really should have been more vocal about this stuff about 14 years ago.

 

Here is the deal, you need to be honest and you need to go to extreme measures to get him to understand what you want and need.

 

The first rule of sex is that the woman comes first. What she needs, she gets. If you did not know this was the rule, how is the world would he.

 

Partners have a responsibility to teach each other what they want.

 

You two defiantly have to go to a reliable experienced sex therapist. Let the therapist help you talk to him and teach him because you, frankly, are a poor communicator, and I am certain he is as well.

 

You do not have to live your life like this. And if you think he will be upset when he figures out he sucks in bed, your right. But think about how he, and you, will feel when he better understands how to bring you to orgasm and how much more sex you will want when he gets better at it.

 

In the end he will love you for it. And he would be more hurt if you had an affair so you could get some decent sex for once.

 

You need to tackle this head on and get it fixed ASAP.

 

Would a therapist make this better or worse with him already feeling this way? My fear is he will shut down completely.

[Happily_married]

Maybe a seductive roleplay scenario would be a fun way to teach and learn from each other. Dress up like a teacher and give your student some stern instructions on how to pleasure a woman. Maybe he would enjoy your dominant lesson more if it's a playful roleplay.

Later when he forgets his manners you could say,"remember what Mrs.____ taught you?" This will help you communicate your wants without shaming his ego. Thoughts?