I'm concerned if I don't respond, then there's no chance of reconciliation

[BlackIce]

Hi beautiful souls,

 

I'm new here and not sure if this is the correct place to post. I joined because I'm going through a painful breakup, as I'm sure is the reason a lot of you joined.

 

I need advice, if anyone is willing to impart some..?

 

I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years because he moved abroad for work without considering me in the matter (I felt). We were meant to try long distance for a few months before I moved over to join him (his request), but as time went on, it felt to me like the relationship was nonreciprocal in that he wouldn't do the same for me if roles were reversed.

 

While breaking up, I subtly gave him the option to fight for the relationship, but he didn't really - he said he understood my position on the matter, and it really hurt, but he respects it. So I instigated NC for a finite period of time to heal.

 

Two weeks later I broke NC to give him another chance to fight for it, but he didnt. His reason was that I had made him out to be really selfish in the breakup (I told him that it felt like he had abandoned me and was thinking only of himself) and my accusations had damaged our relationship, thus "romantic reconciliation was not possible at this point because of how I had made him feel about his actions".

 

At that point, he said to me that HE wants to do NC for a few months and then we could engage again. I told him I would contact him as and when I please.... even though I didn't ever contact him again. (I was just being obstinate and asserting my own boundaries). At this point he blocked me on Facebook and Whatsapp.

 

Nevertheless, a month later to the day (and +- 2months since the breakup), he sent me a WhatsApp: "Hey, how you doing? I hope it's okay to message you, let me know if it's not." I didnt respond and so a few hours later I got "Should we rather maintain NC? I understand if thats what you want"

 

I still havent responded. That was almost a month ago (3 months since the breakup)

 

I firmly believe that NC is good for healing and moving on, which is necessary whether or not you want reconciliation with the ex. However, should I respond and just keep communication lines open if I have any hope of reconciliation in the future? If he ever even moves back to where I live/his own country. I'm just concerned that if I don't respond at all, then there's no chance of reconciliation ever, but I also still feel quite raw from the breakup.

 

If I maintain NC for now.. how do I one day in the distant future even transition from NC to making contact with a past lover from a year or two ago? Is there any hope for reconciliation if you leave it that long?

Edited May 22, 2017 by BlackIce

[d0nnivain]

NC isn't a cooling off period. It's forever. The other person is out of your life & you move on. That's how you heal as an individual.

 

 

If you want to reconcile, you have to talk to the other person & work together to fix what's wrong.

 

 

Here you are playing games. You are testing him. You want him to fight for you but you have never told him that is what you want. You simply expect him to read your mind & you get upset when he doesn't. That's not fair. You can't test him then get annoyed when he flunks a test he didn't even know he was taking.

 

 

Your position that he should have consulted you before moving to another country is valid. His response that he doesn't understand that is dismissive. Whether he gave your opinion on the subject weight or not was solely up to him, but in your shoes I'd be miffed that he didn't even ask me. Unlike a wife as the GF you don't get veto power but to be left in the dark was insensitive.

[BlackIce]

Thanks for your heartfelt response, d0nnivain.

 

 

Here you are playing games. You are testing him. You want him to fight for you but you have never told him that is what you want. You simply expect him to read your mind & you get upset when he doesn't. That's not fair. You can't test him then get annoyed when he flunks a test he didn't even know he was taking.

 

While I agree with the premise of this, it isn't 100% true for my situation.

 

2 weeks after breaking up with him (and him "allowing it"/not fighting for it), I sent him a very long, very vulnerable email stating my position very clearly. I very clearly asked him "Do I fight for this relationship, or is your advice to me to move on?" It was at this point that he answered that he couldnt see a way to romantically reconcile at this point, because of how awful I had made him feel about his actions. I also, at this point, told him that the only two reasons to have contact with an ex was 1) to romantically reconcile or 2) maintain companionship. And if you arent both aligned on what you want, then you cant have contact.

 

So I very clearly told him what I want.

 

He proceeded to block me and do NC for a month, after which he made contact again.

[d0nnivain]

Is him reaching out now an indication that he wants to work on things? Ask him that. If yes, work together. If no, be done with the guy.

[BlackIce]

He proceeded to block me and do NC for a month, after which he made contact again.

 

I haven't responded because I haven't known what to say or whether I should say anything. I don't want to say or do anything I later regret. But Im wondering whether I should keep communication open with simple, indifferent responses?

[BlackIce]

Is him reaching out now an indication that he wants to work on things? Ask him that. If yes, work together. If no, be done with the guy.

 

I know you're right here. But my pride won't let me put myself in that vulnerable position again. I already asked him once whether I should fight for it or let it go, and it backfired.

 

So.. I guess.. that's probably what I should do. There's a small part of me that hopes he's starting to realise what he lost and wants me back. But from things I've just been reading on here, his message could very well just be breadcrumbs

[stillafool]

I don't believe in fighting for a relationship, maybe a marriage but not a relationship where I'm dating someone. If I were told by my partner that they wanted to breakup and their reason why I would respect their decision and move on and heal. It is silly to break up with a person and expect them to jump through hoops to hang on to you. There are too many other people out there for that nonsense. I agree with dOnnvain you were testing him and it backfired. How could he not "allow" you to make your own decision? If you were unhappy with his actions you did right by breaking up.

[ExpatInItaly]

If you would like to try again, you need to respond and ask him if he would like to talk about that too.

 

The problem is that it's already been a month since his last contact. If you plan to keep the door open, you need to act soon. You might otherwise find that he's closed it permanently.

Edited May 22, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[vanhalenfan]

If you want to reconcile, then do contact him back. It was foolish to wait. The purpose of NC is to move on, not as a means to a take a break. Why go NC for a year or 2? He'll probably be moved on and with someone else at that point. Why would he wait around in a NC period for you? NC = goodbye. So if you want a chance to reconcile, contact him now. He may have already closed the door and even moved onto dating others at this point.

[jamili]

Since you were the dumper here, realize that you should be putting in ALL the effort to get him back. It is your responsibility. And when you do contact him.. be very clear immediately with your intentions... otherwise he could perceive as breadcrumbs and completely ignore you in favor of his healing.

[mightycpa]

You're not unreasonable in wanting to be together, and he's not unreasonable in wanting you to follow him. You say that he wouldn't do the same for you, but then again, it sounds like that's just a theoretical that will never be put to the test.

 

It's a big deal to uproot and go to another country for a job. It must be a great job, or the only way to get started in doing what he wants to do with his life. It sounds like you were on your way to joining him when all of a sudden you decided that this path wasn't good enough for you. You want some show of sacrifice from him, to justify the sacrifice that he wanted you to make. Then you introduced DRAMA to the relationship, and it collapsed from the weight of it, you're now mistrustful of each other, and your pride gets in the way of reconciliation.

 

His crimes are:

 

1) moving abroad for a job without consulting you on the future

2) not offering to do the same for you

3) not fighting for the relationship

 

I think he didn't fight for the relationship because of the way you decided to discuss it with him:

While breaking up, I subtly gave him the option to fight for the relationship, but he didn't really - he said he understood my position on the matter, and it really hurt, but he respects it.

I'd have done the same thing. In fact, I have, and I never saw her again.

 

In a way, you have a point. Maybe it was time to ask you to marry him when he was making plans to move. I don't know. This is how I perceive your story.

 

What to do from here? You either have to swallow that pride of yours and go fix this, or you need to cut bait. I'm thinking that the well is at least a little poisoned and if you reconcile, things are going to be tough for a while, until trust is rebuilt.

[BlackIce]

Wow, you people are all so fantastic with your insightful replies. Thank you so much

 

It's very interesting to get opinions from outsiders. The way I perceive it is this:

 

1) He chose to put himself before the relationship/didnt consider me/the relationship

2) He moved away from me/abandoned me

3) I called him on his actions

4) He agreed with me and didn't feel the need to tell me I'm wrong. I.e. He wanted the breakup. I think he got cold feet and wanted to experience the world alone. An excerpt from his mail to me:

 

"A good point to start would be that I unfortunately DO jump into things. Once you brought up the planning and technical issues around making your move over work, it slowly dawned on me the ramifications of this decision. It scared me. It was a lot of pressure. I had not expected/calculated/understood the extent as to how big a life step this would have been and how badly it could go wrong."

 

5) I instigated NC.

 

6) I broke NC to ask him outright if I should fight for us and make it work or move on. He said:

 

"I want you in my life. Linked to the reason I was angry when you decided to cut contact. I do not want a superficial relationship with you. However I cannot see how we can repair a romantic relationship from this point (especially after your letter and the way it made me feel about my actions). I would like a good friendship and I do not see why it is not possible. But I think we should go no-contact. Even for the short-term, this is still quite painful and fresh. I was making fairly good progress my side before you made contact with me. So I would ask that we do 2-3 more months of space to repair ourselves and from then we can engage again."

 

7) We went NC as per his request for a month

 

8) He broke NC with "Hey, how are you doing?"

 

 

So my take on this is that although I started off being the dumper, it turned around and I became the dumpee. And his last message to me was breadcrumbs

Edited May 23, 2017 by BlackIce

[BlackIce]

(He's also in the interim sent his step sister a message saying "I miss her so much". He doesnt know shes in contact with me. She decided to make contact with me to tell me that)

[BlackIce]

..okay so how about I send him a message saying:

 

"Hi, thanks for making contact. You made your intentions clear in our last communication which left me no choice but to move on. What's your purpose for contacting me?"

 

 

Help please