2 years she broke it off for another man

[Shippie]

Hello Guys and Girls,

 

I had been with my Girldfriend for almost two years, which was my longest relationship up to date. I am 33 and she is 25 years and we have been in a long distance relationship, her being from Asia and me being from Europe.

 

I was a staying in Singapore for a couple of months 2 years ago and had the time of my life going with friends meeting you women on a regular basis.

 

All out of the blue she I met her on night, I wasnt looking for a relationship tbh at that time. She was a very cool, caring and beautiful woman. So after a couple of weeks dating we became a couple. I was with her for 2 months in Singapore and afterwards I went back home to Europe. She was visiting me briefly afterwards and we were travelling for a couple of weeks in Europe and had an amazing time.

 

Early 2016 I came back to Singapore for her and was staying there for 3 months. The biggest issue in our relationship was my commitment. She was head over heals in love with me and did everything, was always available. I on the other hand always kept her on a little bit of a distance, and being back in Singapore my old habits came back going out with friend getting alot of attention off and talking to other women after 6 months. Especially when i came home drunk I told her about my doubts that I wasnt sure about being just with one person for the rest of my life, which fed into her insecurities.

 

In spring I was leaving Singapore to stay in Japan for a couple of months (I can only stay up to 6 months a year in SG via tourist visa). She was visiting me in Japan after 2 months and we also travelled to the US for 3 weeks having a great time). The last 3 months of 2016 I spend with her in Singapore, and old issue came back (me going out & looking at other women, which she later told me made her feel embarrest). I suffered from 2 injuries in SG and wasnt in a good state of mind pushed her away, because I wanted to be by myself. We still had a great time together the last few weeks beore I went back home for Christmas.

 

The days before we parted she said she wanted a necklace so she can always remember me, and that she is scared that she wont see me again.

I loved Japan last year and always told her that I want to go back their for a while which made her more insecure about us in retrospective.

 

Back in Europe, I was in a bad state still recovering from my injuries, and a bit scared about the commitment going forward, so a bit instable too, not texting so much.

 

She was most of the time the one initiating text and all of a sudden by the end of Jan she didnt text for 10 days. So I started being the one texting from that time forward, she basically wasnt replying in a very loving way and after 2 weeks I asked whats going on. She just said stress with her new job (she started 2 months ago) and that she also thought about what I said. I asked about what exactly never got a proper answer though for 2 weeks.

 

By the end of February she told me that I am not ready for a commitment and she cant be scared that I leave her for another women every day. We skyped the following day and she told me that she thinks its better to break it off. I was a bit in a shock to be honest hearing that from her because she was always so madly in love with me.

 

I thought about it for 2 days and called her later, that she is right with one point that our relation has to go in a different direction, because the current state doesnt work. I said that other women arent important to me and I want to start a life with her and that I will move to SG for her, getting an apartment together. She was shocked about my answer and I told her she can take time to think about it.

 

The next couple of weeks we were skyping a few times, though she still needed time and after 2.5 weeks she told me it would just be the same and there is no point. So for another 2 weeks werent texting alot and then I cant be miserable in that state anymore so I voice messaged her year its better that way.

 

2 weeks later I was fully recovered and wanted to go back to Asia, I figured being single and havening had the best time of my life I am visiting friends in SG and might also talk to her in person bc it wasnt right ending it like that basically over skype/text.

 

I told her and she said is probably better to not meet up. After a few days in SG I texted her that it would be great to catch up she just texted me that its not a good idea and she wishes me a nice time, the distant answer made me feel quite sad.

 

One night I went out drinking quite alot with friend and I missed her so much (after being at al the places in SG we have been together etc) and I texted her that I want her back and miss her and so on. She didnt reply me and the next day I was already so focused about it and told her again that i ment it. Later that day she replied my that she loved me so much, gave it all, though after some time she realized its not what she truley wanted and that she has fallen for someone else.

 

I honestly didnt except that answer, couldnt take it serioulsy, because how could she fallen for someone only a few weeks after we broke it off and was quite shocked. We later on agreeded to Skype and for the first time in our relationship I was a total bitch. I bascially told her that I ment what I said, and that a love her so much and want to spent the rest of my life with her. She instantly started to cried listing to everything for 10 minutes, then just said she cant. I basically begged her, though she said she cant.

 

She told me she was already together with the new guy for over a month (max 3 weeks after she told me the first time tis better to break it off). That he is a local (we were always making fun that she wont be attacted to an asian man before), doing everything for her, make her her first priority, basically everything I didnt do for the last couple of months.

 

A few days later we met in person, I bought her flowers thanking her for our time together, telling her that I am feeling sorry for not being there for her and if she ever changes her mind she should contact me but only then, which was quite a sweet parting. The next 2 days I send 2 more emails (I wasnt concruent with my words... I explained what i am playing next bc she asked at the meet up about it prior. she replied that she is happy that I will always be there for her, I was a bit angry bc i sounded like being her male bf and I was starting to get ashamed of my previous begging that she might had no more respect for me as a man anymore, which she always had before, so 2nd email was brief, i told her that I better now and that I cant believe that I was a wush).

 

That was almost 2 months ago now, 3 months since she first brought it up. I couldnt understand how she was so madly in love with the new guy only weeks after she first mentioned breaking up, and always been head over heels in love with me, persuing me all the time. I guess they met already in Jan at work and he was persuing and giving her all the attention, making her realize she is missing out in this area with me, being always scared I might leave her in the first place.

 

It kind of understand, though it still surprises me how "fast" everything changed. After being totally miserable for a couple of weeks a flew to Japan, hitting the gym now, dating other women trying to get her out of my head... I am still missing her alot though day by day, sometimes feeling angry how she could replace me so fast basically betraying us and other times pissed that I made such big mistakes.

 

I guess the best thing is forgetting about her totally, and if she ever contacts me again, we might reconnect, I am not entirely sure though I can ever trust her again, bc even she probably didnt cheat on me while we were apart, it still feels like it lining up another guy, totally replacing me and dating so fast again...

 

Jhezz that was a long text hehe

Edited May 22, 2017 by Shippie

[springy]

It seems your lack of desire to commit to her showed up about 6 months after you got together. That means she has not felt secure in the relationship for a very long time. This was not sudden. She started slowly detaching at some point in time, realizing that she was not going to get the relationship she wanted with you. She just finally got to the final straw. That day you wake up and realize you're done with it. I've been there.

 

It doesn't seem like you are really understanding what happened here, accusing her of betraying you. She waited a long time and you kept her at a distance and wouldn't commit. Getting your fill of attention from other women was greater than your desire for her. That did not feel so good to her, is my guess.

 

She told you she can't be scared that you will leave her for another woman every day. That is the answer to why she's gone and where the love went. She may have been madly in love at some point, but it is difficult to maintain that level of madness when it is not being reciprocated.

[Maldives]

Hello Guys and Girls,

 

I had been with my Girldfriend for almost two years, which was my longest relationship up to date. I am 33 and she is 25 years and we have been in a long distance relationship, her being from Asia and me being from Europe.

 

I was a staying in Singapore for a couple of months 2 years ago and had the time of my life going with friends meeting you women on a regular basis.

 

All out of the blue she I met her on night, I wasnt looking for a relationship tbh at that time. She was a very cool, caring and beautiful woman. So after a couple of weeks dating we became a couple. I was with her for 2 months in Singapore and afterwards I went back home to Europe. She was visiting me briefly afterwards and we were travelling for a couple of weeks in Europe and had an amazing time.

 

<snip>

I honestly didnt except that answer, couldnt take it serioulsy, because how could she fallen for someone only a few weeks after we broke it off and was quite shocked. We later on agreeded to Skype and for the first time in our relationship I was a total bitch. I bascially told her that I ment what I said, and that a love her so much and want to spent the rest of my life with her. She instantly started to cried listing to everything for 10 minutes, then just said she cant. I basically begged her, though she said she cant.

 

She told me she was already together with the new guy for over a month (max 3 weeks after she told me the first time tis better to break it off). That he is a local (we were always making fun that she wont be attacted to an asian man before), doing everything for her, make her her first priority, basically everything I didnt do for the last couple of months.

 

 

I guess the best thing is forgetting about her totally, and if she ever contacts me again, we might reconnect, I am not entirely sure though I can ever trust her again, bc even she probably didnt cheat on me while we were apart, it still feels like it lining up another guy, totally replacing me and dating so fast again...

 

Jhezz that was a long text hehe

 

Exact same thing has happened to me a gmfew times. She chased as well i was her soulmate all this stuff and then just like that it was over .later I find out its someone else. I really don't have an answer accept to say that this is a common thing woman do stay wth u till someone better suited comes along evil hey in my opinion.

Edited May 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Shippie]

Springy, I appreciate your honest reassesment of the situation. The point is even back in the relationship, I couldnt understand my actions myself. We got along very well, basically never had a fight in almost 2 years, she was an absolute stunner and we always had fun banter and no drama.

 

Maybe that was one of the issues though, never any fights and never expressed exactly what she wanted were it really counts I guess.

 

I understand what you mean about her slowly losing love after all my actions, I have to be honest though, it still feels overwhelming losing her almost in an instant and switching her feeling "so fast" towards somebody else. Especially, because I have always was complete transparent to her, I told her everything. Leaving me in the rain, replacing me without a fight and being so distant texting like we are strangers ... Makes me feel all what we had wasnt real, even though i know its not the case...

 

@Goodguy05

I guess we have to get better @ reading the signs, women seem to not state the obvious, when they are unhappy and just stick around, till they find someone else to make it easer to forget, which I find quite harsh and not an honest trademark afterall.

Edited May 22, 2017 by Shippie

[springy]

Maybe I misunderstand. It looks to me you were uncertain of committing to her all throughout the relationship and didn't give her much reason to think otherwise. You continued to confirm your need to be a free spirit. She initiated most of the communication - you let it go 10 days without saying anything. I don't see any effort that she would have perceived to be worth 'fighting' for. Why should she be the one doing all the fighting after two years of not being able to get you to move forward? Seems like she put a lot more effort into the relationship than you (were you ever really exclusive?). Were you having sex with these women who were giving you all the attention? Prior to ending things if she had brought up commitment once again, you would have said what? No one wants to beg/plead/give ultimatums to get someone to commit. Ten days of silence from a man who said he didn't want to commit. I would be thinking well dam, I really am wasting my time here. Plus there's the whole distance thing. It seems like you only became interested once you lost her. It's a common predicament.

 

You were transparent so she knew exactly what she was going to get if she continued seeing you. Perhaps for her it was a subconscious detaching. She wasn't fully aware of it until she met someone who caused her to 'wake up'. You kind of chip away at the love little by little and one day *poof*. I experienced this although it wasn't due to anyone else coming into my life. It just fell on me, like an epiphany. We can't assume what her experience was.

 

I'm sorry you are upset but you seem to be handling it all ok? I understand you have lingering questions. The only one who can answer those has moved on. In time you will do the same.

[springy]

@Goodguy05

I guess we have to get better @ reading the signs, women seem to not state the obvious, when they are unhappy and just stick around, till they find someone else to make it easer to forget, which I find quite harsh and not an honest trademark afterall.

 

??? She told you she wanted commitment, it seems on more than one occasion. You told her no. Two years passed by. You wanted several someone else's while she was trying to get you to commit to her. I don't think you're really being fair here, but of course you are entitled to feel that way. Besides, this is not gender specific...people do this all the time.

Edited May 22, 2017 by springy

[springy]

 

Maybe that was one of the issues though, never any fights and never expressed exactly what she wanted were it really counts I guess.

 

 

I'm sorry - I don't mean to spam up your post, but what do you mean? You said an ongoing problem is that she wanted commitment. What am I not seeing here?

[anika99]

She probably hasn't truly fallen for the new guy, he might just be a rebound guy. She is obviously wanting a secure long term relationship leading that will eventually lead to marriage and commitment. You have proven over your two year relationship that you are not going to be that person for her. She is smart to have moved on in a timely fashion. Too many women stay in relationships that cause them pain for the sake of love, instead of accepting reality.

 

I cannot believe that you needed to be told how this woman felt. She spent two years being obviously head over heels in love with you and you are surprised that she wanted to be your one and only? You are surprised that it hurt her when you hung out with other women and pushed her away? I gather from reading your post that while she may not have been demanding or pushy there were some conversations around her feelings.

 

Everything doesn't have to be spoken. She conveyed through her actions that she loved you and wanted to be with you exclusively. You conveyed through your actions that you wanted to be free and single. When it comes to relationships there is no point to demanding that someone commit to a relationship if that's not what they want. If after 2yrs of dating I see that the guy still doesn't want the same committed exclusive relationship that I want then I'm going to walk. I'm not going to demand that he bend to my will. Where's the reward in that? Nobody wants somebody to be with them simply because they felt forced into it.

 

She needed you to choose her because you wanted to choose her, because you loved her and didn't want to be with any other women. You knew what she wanted. She is also right that if you two were still together it would still be the same. She would be pining for you, wanting more with you while you would still be enjoying the single life and keeping her at a distance. Why should she settle for that? The only reason you are chasing her now is because she doesn't want you anymore and your ego is hurt. If she hadn't broken up with you nothing would have changed.

 

You didn't necessarily do anything wrong. You have a right to stay free and single for as long as you want. You were apparently open with her about needing your freedom and you don't owe her anything. But she has a right to get what she wants too and she doesn't owe you anything either. Neither of you are bad people or have done anything wrong. She simply real used that you wanted different things and instead of hanging onto a fantasy she accepted the reality and moved on. She didn't do you wrong. You knew that she loved you and wanted to be with you. Don't play dumb.

[anika99]

Maybe I misunderstand. It looks to me you were uncertain of committing to her all throughout the relationship and didn't give her much reason to think otherwise. You continued to confirm your need to be a free spirit. She initiated most of the communication - you let it go 10 days without saying anything. I don't see any effort that she would have perceived to be worth 'fighting' for. Why should she be the one doing all the fighting after two years of not being able to get you to move forward? Seems like she put a lot more effort into the relationship than you (were you ever really exclusive?). Were you having sex with these women who were giving you all the attention? Prior to ending things if she had brought up commitment once again, you would have said what? No one wants to beg/plead/give ultimatums to get someone to commit. Ten days of silence from a man who said he didn't want to commit. I would be thinking well dam, I really am wasting my time here. Plus there's the whole distance thing. It seems like you only became interested once you lost her. It's a common predicament.

 

You were transparent so she knew exactly what she was going to get if she continued seeing you. Perhaps for her it was a subconscious detaching. She wasn't fully aware of it until she met someone who caused her to 'wake up'. You kind of chip away at the love little by little and one day *poof*. I experienced this although it wasn't due to anyone else coming into my life. It just fell on me, like an epiphany. We can't assume what her experience was.

 

I'm sorry you are upset but you seem to be handling it all ok? I understand you have lingering questions. The only one who can answer those has moved on. In time you will do the same.

 

Exactly. I just wrote pretty much the same thing but for some reason my post went to moderation.

[Shippie]

Springy no worries you are not spamming the thread here, actually you bringing about alot of valid points to think about.

 

I will try to answer your questions, as good as I can. I never cheated on her with another woman, one time it was close, but I felt so bad realizing that I cant hurt her like that so I stopped, other than that it was flirting in clubs with other women. I told her straight the next day what happend with the other woman (6 months in the relationsship) and about my doubts and that I would be better to break up, because it isnt fair to her treating her that way of me. She told me it is okay if I will sleep with other one as long as she is not losing me, which really ****ed with my mind obviously I never walked that path, because I knew she said it because she was scared.

 

As I mentioned previously I was torn in the relationship, on one side I always realized how great we were together, having a lighthearted time, being playful and never arguing. On other hand I wanted to expierence new things and travel, I guess because I was working a ridic amount in my 20s (I am a poker player and was working like a madman with very little socializing for years, till I realized that here is no point earning money and neglecting everything else) and always felt I had to made up for it. So I couldnt full let go and stay true to my feelings and was kinda of in a freeze for a big chunk of the relationship.

 

I am doing better now thanks for asking, and yeah you are right after it kicked in that I lost her I really wanted her back, I dont know maybe it is just some big ego thing I am going through ...

Edited May 22, 2017 by Shippie

[Maldives]

Wanted to add a lot of posters are bringing up the issue of commitment yes that's true. I was married 10 yrs she wanted kids but we had debts and I wasn't on a steady income and she left. So even sometimes marriage commitment doesn't cut it. Think id ur not meeting there many complicated needs don't be too hard on ureself ur being honest wth where u were out and she had fears u were gonna leave so she essentially left before u cld. I know u probably would have come around aftrr a while. Woman don't understand that about men. Just takes us a little longer to commit but wen we do we r loyal and committed to the t....i was like that not wth my marriage nor the next relationship aftrr that wich was a rebound but the next one suddenly I really wanted to explore an option of teaching in Asia for 6 mths or so but the ex didn't share that same goal. We all change Im in my 40s it's called living. The trick is for it to work and this is especially something woman should take note cause they aren't the best at it even though they claim they r well i havent seen it in my case bar once compromise. If ur both mature enough to reach a compromise then it'll work. So in the case of teaching in Asia finding out why she had hesitations then working with that. So if it's a timing thing waiting till she's ready but agreeing g to a point in time to do it together rather than u can't wait and u go over but risk ur relationship th3n regret losing ur relationship and wishing ud never gone to begin wth. However that in itself can be a challenge maybe u been waiting for a long time and simply can't put it off anymore. U see the intricacies of intertwining two lives? It's not easy were rarely on the same page and at different stages in our goals or life path the trick is that u both take a string interest in each others life and goals and support each other not just one person getting wat they want. That's wat they mean by sharing ur life wth each other. Sharing ur life there's no substitute. If u can both make it work.

[Shippie]

Hey Anika99,

 

seems like your post got finally accepted. I appreciate your long answer to my initial posting, there is definately a lot of truth in it. I certainly understand why she left the relationship and moved on. What bothered me the most was, that I always told her everything howI feel exactly, placed with open cards and about my troubles, now I feel my trust has been broken because it was only onesided

 

Though I cant except that she hadnt properly broken up with me and was already dating the new guy, sorry though I think thats not okay, even when in her mind the door was already closed, because she told me she will think about my idea moving together. Maybe I am a bit bitchy now, but I also think there is a certain double standard here if the roles were reversed and I had already a new GF on the side, now it sounds that it was only my fault and its okay that she already had a new guy. I also dont think its a rebound, you are right she loved me dearly told me like no one before in her life so many times and also showed it, though when I asked her about it and about the new guy she said till she met him...

 

Furthermore when we met in person I truthfully apologize for all my wrong doings in the relationship, nothing really from her side apart from I am sorry.

Edited May 23, 2017 by Shippie

[elaine567]

Seems to me you had this woman who was so much in love with you that you thought you could do just about anything to her and she would still be there waiting for you. YOU could pick her up when you needed her and when something more exciting came along, she was just supposed to wait patiently around for you

 

BUT she is not a doll, she had a mind of her own and despite putting up with all your issues for a long time, she finally snapped and told you she wanted to break up.

That was no doubt a culmination of weeks and months of wanting to break up, so when she actually told you she had already moved on in her mind. It is therefore no surprise she moved on to someone else three weeks after she told you she was done. It was no doubt a great relief to her to end it with you. Being in a one sided relationship is no fun.

 

IF you want a real relationship with a woman, you cannot treat them like this. This was all about YOU and what YOU wanted and needed with no consideration for her whatsoever, very few women will put up with that long term. She brought love, adoration and caring to your party, what did you actually bring to hers?