User3760 Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 (edited) I could really use some advice some I know, some I'm oblivious too... I'll try and sum up the last 6 months and I'm looking for unbiased opinions. Been dating a girl or exclusive too for last 6 months and I know a lot has happened to much to fast and I don't know what to do. My background-single father, date here and there but nothing real serious and spent more time not in relationships than within one. I have never been a jellious or insecure bf if who I'm seeing has guy friends or goes out with guys. Never told anyone I've dated I love you or talked about marriage someday. I do everything in my power to make sure I never hurt or make who I'm dating uncomfortable, never cheated on anyone, always stay in contact, always stay clear of situations that could offend who I'm seeing. Not much of a drinker. Always doing what I can to go out of my way to make sure my significant other feels happy and appreciated. Her-dozens upon dozens of relationships, at times starting new ones before she has ended the previous ones. Very compassionate when she is with and next to someone while she is sober. Drinks 5-6 days a week. Very wide band of guy friends-over 1000. Has cheated while in a relationship with someone. She and I are 31, many of her ex's have been in 40s and 50s due to chemistry attractions. (So unappealing) Spends her free time with ex's and other guys throughout the week while she is dating someone. Constantly trying to help others even though she is far more broken. When she drinks she is a mess, gets herself in bad situations, points fingers and blames others. She does enjoy a lot of guys hobbies-trucks 4 wheelers boating fishing hunting. Very good work ethic. Constantly overpromises, procrastinates, blows people off, late for apts or to meet up-almost all that is due to drinking. Last 6 months- from the first phone call we shared (7 hours) we both naturally hit it off and shared something between one another neither of us have ever encountered before. We started hanging out and sleeping together, she made it sound as if she was out of her previous relationship when in fact she was still with her last bf (which I found out a night we were both at her house and he started flipping out and she tried to get all 3 of us to sleep in her bed together... needless to say he slept in her bed and I slept in the basement till I left in am) and while she was still in a relationship with him she hadn't officially broke off her relationship with her last bf before that who happened to also be her boss... anyhow she ended up breaking up with both of them and put me through many ****ty nights but I stuck it out and drove for hours to see her or cope her when she was down and did everything in my power in her favor. Last 3 months when we are together for the most part things are perfect, we love eachother and each others kids. Talk everyday day. Have fun no matter if we are doing house chores, fishing or dancing. We are perfect for one another. We tell eachother I love you which she obviously has said to many other guys but I have never said it to anyone else and genially mean it. Bought her a gorgeous promise ring which she doesn't take off (initially when we discussed ring size she wanted a bigger size because she said she needs to take it off for clients because as a blonde paralegal her appearance means a lot) she would drink almost every day and when we were apart she would make bad choices, not show up to meet me, go missing for evenings till mornings. She will often go out with guys, than [complain] about how guys or those very same guys would hit on her or sleep with her-she is open and very flirtish untintentally and makes guys think she into them. Bring guy or guys back to her place and party and she would not answer my text or call till the following day to find out they spent the night. She continually will go out with guys and her ex's to hang out, go shooting or fishing when I'm busy but often we can't get together later because she spent the whole day with him or is to drunk to drive. She says she's working on the communication part and she has, has t gone mia in a while. But I've planned for v-day and memorial weekend for weeks or months in advance and she last min bails and spends that time with friends and didn't even invite me. She's still going out with ex's which I do believe is strictly just as friends but it's getting to the point where she spends more time with guy friends than me when I reserve any free time for her weather I have to drive a few hours every week and Go nights with minimal sleep. I do this because I do love her when we are together and she is sober and have a lot of great times and things together. She wants to sell her house and move in and says it will be me and her all the time however I know it's too soon with how things have been and she procrastinates all her faults that she will get better.. she doesn't really have anything about me she wishes to change and I know I treat her good, put her and her needs/family first which prob isn't ok. But I'm tires of being exhausted of being the one putting in most the effort, tired of her walking over me when she's drunk. Not comfortable anymore with her spending more time with her guy friends or ex's than me even if it is just a relationship. Just tired of these sleepless nights, there are far more ****ty things she has done to me than I care to elaborate on but I do love her and who we are when together and what the future could hold for us... we both want to get married but refuse to until I'm happy weather we are together or a part. I tried not to make this a one sided statement but it's pretty close to accurate all the great things I have done for her while she ****s on me week in and week out. But I do love her and do have good memories and great times together or I wouldn't be in this situation today. I've respectively backed off as far as letting her do her thing and not getting upset when she's with guys instead of me to help slow down the relationship. I just want peoples opinions if I keep hurting most of the week and hope things work out or do I just walk away at this point. I would appreciate honest feedback as I really don't want to fill in close family and friends what I've been hiding being they are all under impression things are great. Thank you for your support!! Edited May 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
salparadise Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 I am not even going to bother citing specifics as your post is full of intolerable, unimaginable, behaviors that no self-respecting guy would tolerate. Do you not believe you deserve to be respected and appreciated? However little self-respect you have now... it's going to be further diminished with each passing day. You need to quit focusing on what she's doing and investigate what's wrong with you––why would a man put up with this even for one day. That's the first question you should ask your therapist. 7
act00 Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 This woman is a mess. She has nothing about you she wants to change because you let her walk all over you and tolerate this behavior. Do you think it will change? It won't. Any change will be temporary. This is the woman you are seeking to be the mother of your child. It's time to dump her and move on. 3
Chilli Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 (edited) Oh man, sorry brother, but l'm with the others. There are so many not flags, but fireballs comin straight for ya from her. You've really gotta start untangling yourself from her and her web asap. She's only gonna hurt you man and make a total fkg mess of your life while she's at it in the end. Edited May 22, 2017 by Chilli 1
Author User3760 Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 I guess I was hoping for feedback to say in time things will get better if we do love each other and slow it down, however maybe I'm not being over dramatic as all your replies have been identical to what's been going through my mind.
smackie9 Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 A sexy, physically attractive woman that's an alcoholic.....run forest run! Don't be one of those who sticks it out because she's hot. 2
Author User3760 Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 I'm not sticking around simply because she is hot, yes I find her attractive, however I keep staying because of how great and nearly perfect things are when we are together. It's when we are apart we have issues with her drinking and behavior, guess I was trying to be optimistic and get more opinions that I was over reacting and expecting to much to soon... idk.. she has been getting better about certain things but it's frustraighting that she consistently makes plans with me and they fall through because she needs to spend all day drinking or with her other friends and can't make it....
KBarletta Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 I'm not sticking around simply because she is hot, yes I find her attractive, however I keep staying because of how great and nearly perfect things are when we are together. It's when we are apart we have issues with her drinking and behavior, guess I was trying to be optimistic and get more opinions that I was over reacting and expecting to much to soon... idk.. she has been getting better about certain things but it's frustraighting that she consistently makes plans with me and they fall through because she needs to spend all day drinking or with her other friends and can't make it.... You say she drinks 5-6 days per week, and that only leaves 1-2 days during which things are "great" when she is sober and with you. Honestly, it sounds like this woman doesn't value you the way someone in a real relationship should value their partner. She sounds as if she needs help with her alcohol addiction and that is her priority in life, not you. That's not a recipe for a healthy relationship. I honestly think you should let her go and encourage her to seek help for her addiction and wish her well. Honestly, given her reckless and irresponsible behavior you describe, it doesn't matter how good things are when you're together, this relationship is a ticking timebomb.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Suck it up, dust yourself off and let the people most important to you know that it simply didn't work out. She is a wreck! 1
joseb Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 OP I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you really need to look at yourself and ask why you (or anyone) would put up with a "girlfriend" that's drunk almost all the time, and sleeps around more nights than not. 2
Author User3760 Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 if I came off wrong I apologize, I'm pretty certain but not positive she has been faithful or hasn't slept with anyone since we've been official. She is by far the most sexual woman I've been with, but even when she disappears or has guys sleep over, I'm fairly confident she isn't sleeping with them. But certainly not positive.
Chilli Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 l know how hard and rare it is to find somebody we feel so much for and feel we have so much with. Sadly l've just had to make that decision myself. But l kept trying for 14mths. l'm till hoping l've done the right thing and still wondering was there a chance. More time. You could always hang in there, give it more time, see if things can improve if your willing to risk it Knowing deep down what's probably coming, you've got all the gut feelings, l guess that might make it a bit easier if the day does come. l'd really keep the kids out of it though bc if it doesn't work out which you know is pretty likely, it's only going to mess them up pretty badly and hurt them .
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 OP. I went back and re-read your original post. I continue to be at a loss as to HOW this could be one of your happiest relationships... Are you certain that you are not SO lonely that being with this very attractive woman, the sex and attention isn't blinding you of the clear unsavory complexities this woman brings? Please, you have children and they could be hurt as or more than yourself. Think about them before considering to resume a relationship with a woman who has her history AND her present. 3
todreaminblue Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 (edited) wanting three guys in a bed with her is when you should have walked away...i feel for her and her addictions....alcohol is killer to any relationship.... she isnt in a frame of person (heart or mind or body) to be with anyone.....in her sober life she should realize this and be thoughtful for and to those who care...like you for instance.....whatever good memories and good times you have had..... in my opinion....... everything you have written above overshadows them(sic).....she needs to get clean and sober before even thinking about or attempting a relationship and have more precise boundaries in regards to opposite sex friends and exes...... she is going to hurt you...quite badly....and that should be the thing she would least like to do in her world if she truly cared and loved you like you do her.....i wish you peace....and strength to do what is necessary.. maybe its to explain an ultimatum honestly to her in that you will stick by her if she decides to go clean and sober and reenforce what you desire and need for a relationship in regards to very specific boundaries to continue a relationship with her......i feel that for you ...... that strength i wish for you, will be ultimately to walk away from a toxic and hurtful relationship that is doing you no good in your life other than to confuse and hurt you.........good luck.....deb..... Edited May 22, 2017 by todreaminblue 2
smackie9 Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 You have two choices here....accept the way she is, (she will not be changing any of this behavior), or walk. There is nothing else you can do, you can't force someone to change.
C.JunioR Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 Thank you for this, now I have a story to reference to if i ever need to explain what a doormat is.
hptalbot Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 Dude, she is cheating. Its not even a question. You are deluding yourself. She has exes and male friends sleeping over? She is getting blackout drunk with guys behind your back? DUDE! WAKE UP! There is no possible scenario where she is not having sex with all of them all the time. Get your kids and get out. She has cheated in every relationship she has ever had, you've said that. You are not special, you are not going to change her. She is laughing at you. You should probably get checked for STIs. Dump her and never speak to her again!
joseb Posted May 26, 2017 Posted May 26, 2017 if I came off wrong I apologize, I'm pretty certain but not positive she has been faithful or hasn't slept with anyone since we've been official. She is by far the most sexual woman I've been with, but even when she disappears or has guys sleep over, I'm fairly confident she isn't sleeping with them. But certainly not positive. Based on what you wrote on your original post, plus this extra "sexual" stuff, I'd say there is about a 1% chance she is being faithful. And I'm trying to be positive in that estimate. 1
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