Trying to make sense of the situation

[DoubleJeopardy]

It's been bothering me, so I wanted to see if I can get other ppl's opinion on the matter. I'm 38 and the woman I am seeing is 33. Not sure if this matters, but she also lives with her parents, and is on two anti-anxiety meds. Due to the meds, she cannot climax. In fact she, nor her sister (married and younger) cannot climax. In terms of intimacy, I am her third man she's been with; she says.

 

She slept over my place two weeks ago, and we woke up and I made her breakfast, then she had to leave for a family event. I texted her the next day to see how she's doing and then ask her if she's up for an sporting event on Saturday, she said absolutely. Silence for the rest of the week. Friday comes around and she texted me to see how my week was. Chatted for a bit and then I said looking forward to our date tomorrow night. She then said something where her sister is fighting with her cousin and there was a family meeting at 8pm on Saturday. I said a bit late, I wish I knew before so I can reschedule and make other plans (she offered to see me earlier in the day). Said she just found out about it and is telling me now. I said it is what it is and take care of family. She said she'd keep me updated.

 

Hadn't heard from her since last two Friday's ago, so I sent a text stating I get a feeling you do not want to see me any longer, so I will not bother you again. I just would had thought you had more respect for me to at least tell me instead of just walking away. She replied back it's a two way street dude. Why do I always have to contact you? Please keep in mind, I text or call her at least twice a week or more depending on our schedules. She then stated I sounded so furious that she cancelled our date due a family emergency. Perhaps someone can tell me how my text above sounded furious. I replied back stating I contact you all the time, and how did my text sound furious or upset? No answer. I said, perhaps, things got interpreted incorrectly by both of us and we should chat via telephone. She replied back perhaps. I then called her and she let it go to vm. I texted back I thought it would be better to talk instead of text. She said, "sorry, I am with a friend now". I said k. She then wished me a good night.

 

Does this sound normal? What am I missing?

[d0nnivain]

She's waayy to connected to her family. Who has a family meeting because two cousins aren't talking? What a bunch of busy-bodies. IMO, that also doesn't constitute a family emergency.

 

She has different priorities & you are not one of them. Proceed at your own peril. Seems to me leaving that last exchange as the last conversation & moving on to greener pastures is your best bet

[BluesPower]

d0nnivain is completely right...

 

Here is another thing. If a woman wants to be with you, she will make time no matter what. She will make a point be see you no matter what.

 

I have had GF's make crazy arrangements to be with me or surprise me, which can be a littlie spooky BTW, but it is usually great.

 

Suffice to say, IMHO, ghost her...

[smackie9]

Welcome to the wonderful world of bi-polar. Their perception of things get very distorted and it's always something negative. If you wish to have them get along with you, you have to walk on eggshells. And never ever be passive aggressive to get a response, they will turn blame on you as quickly in a blink of an eye.

 

Sir you dodged a bullet. Be thankful.

 

Is it normal? for someone with mental illness it is.

[DoubleJeopardy]

It's like something out of twilight zone and then to have it turned on me was just strange.

[kendahke]

Hadn't heard from her since last two Friday's ago, so I sent a text stating I get a feeling you do not want to see me any longer, so I will not bother you again. I just would had thought you had more respect for me to at least tell me instead of just walking away. She replied back it's a two way street dude. Why do I always have to contact you? Please keep in mind, I text or call her at least twice a week or more depending on our schedules. She then stated I sounded so furious that she cancelled our date due a family emergency. Perhaps someone can tell me how my text above sounded furious. I replied back stating I contact you all the time, and how did my text sound furious or upset? No answer. I said, perhaps, things got interpreted incorrectly by both of us and we should chat via telephone. She replied back perhaps. I then called her and she let it go to vm. I texted back I thought it would be better to talk instead of text. She said, "sorry, I am with a friend now". I said k. She then wished me a good night.

 

Does this sound normal? What am I missing?

 

How long have you been seeing this woman? Your post doesn't say.

 

You could have just as easily picked up the phone and called/texted her during those two weeks, but you were too busy testing her. The message you sent outted you on the passive/aggressive tip.

 

What difference does it make who texted whom last? Contact her if you want to talk to her, dont' play games.

 

I said a bit late, I wish I knew before so I can reschedule and make other plans (she offered to see me earlier in the day). Said she just found out about it and is telling me now. I said it is what it is and take care of family.

 

This sounds a bit like a dismissive reprimand, to be honest.

 

If you need someone who texts on the hour, she's not that one.

[DoubleJeopardy]

How long have you been seeing this woman? Your post doesn't say.

 

You could have just as easily picked up the phone and called/texted her during those two weeks, but you were too busy testing her. The message you sent outted you on the passive/aggressive tip.

 

What difference does it make who texted whom last? Contact her if you want to talk to her, dont' play games.

 

 

 

This sounds a bit like a dismissive reprimand, to be honest.

 

If you need someone who texts on the hour, she's not that one.

 

 

Not sure how it was a bit passive aggressive with a cancellation because of a family meeting on a Saturday night, when the date was previously confirmed.

 

I always call or text every day or two. We were dating for two months. A text or call every hour? No. But a text or a call every day or two shouldn't be much to ask. I did this, and it's been pretty much the same for 20+ years of relationships. If you are dating a person, you want to see them or at least communicate with them every few days.

 

Even if we chalk it up with a miscommunication on both of our parts, I did try to call and clear it up during the text. The call was sent to voicemail and she texted sorry, she was with a friend now.

 

Never said I was perfect, but there was nothing passive-aggressive nor negative in my texts. Stating I wish I was told earlier is not passive-aggressive, nor is stating I hope all works out take care of your family issue.

[DoubleJeopardy]

d0nnivain is completely right...

 

Here is another thing. If a woman wants to be with you, she will make time no matter what. She will make a point be see you no matter what.

 

I have had GF's make crazy arrangements to be with me or surprise me, which can be a littlie spooky BTW, but it is usually great.

 

Suffice to say, IMHO, ghost her...

 

She did offer to fit me in earlier in the day. However, what the strangest part is that she rarely contacts me back, just rarely contacts me ever. I thought that would improve as we go to know each other better, but little change. I also offered several times to meet in her neck of the woods during the week. We live about 25 mins away from each other. I offered I'd come to her one week, and she'd come to me or we can meet half way., However, she's said she's too tired.

 

In all my past relationships, the woman has always expressed interest in hanging out more and/or contacting me (and I her) during the week. This is why it's been hard for me to gauge her true interest. She's stated other men hadn't want to deal with her because she's on anti-anxiety meds. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. After all, I thought, with similar values and interests, this could work. Two things were a bit odd. Since she lives at home with her parents at 33, she told me on the fourth date to come in. I did, and her parents were there. I thought perhaps I should had been warned, but I played it off pretty well. A week after that, she invited me over for Easter, I said my fam. already had Easter dinner scheduled, but I thanked her for the invite.

 

It's been a bewildering experience to say the least. I'm still confused.

[DoubleJeopardy]

Well, I guess that "family emergency" meeting was really a falsity; as I figured so. In addition, her "friend" that she was with was another guy it seemed. That was why she didn't take my call. Just messed up.

 

She just texted me she's "really sad bc I am a really great guy but she doesn't feel the chemistry she needs and no longer wants to see me." I said, k. a shame. take care of yourself.

 

What else am I going to say? I had a feeling, as no one has a "family emergency scheduled on a Saturday at 8pm and then texts me about it 10:00 pm the night before. I just wish I wasn't dragged along for 2.5 months.

 

Not too sure I can do this dating thing anymore. Can't trust anyone to tell you the truth.

[kendahke]

Not sure how it was a bit passive aggressive .

 

 

All you had to do was ghost and block her, not put your feelings on display for someone who didn't deserve it.

[DoubleJeopardy]

All you had to do was ghost and block her, not put your feelings on display for someone who didn't deserve it.

 

Guess I am not as cold as others. I confront issues address them and where ever the chips fall, that is where they land. This ghosting stuff is weak and not me. If I date someone and it doesn't work out or my feeling change, then I will inform them. All I ask is the same.

[Versacehottie]

i think she behaved pretty sh*tty at the same time still you can only control yourself. Just some advice since you said you are not sure if you can do this dating thing any longer since "people aren't honest" etc. Here's the thing: you are wanting "honesty" which is not quite correct. I think more accurately you mean you want someone to know where it's going and let you know every step of the way (you probably want actual honesty as well which is different) but thats more like full disclosure. That would be a rarity if not almost impossible. People are discovering WHAT they want with you all along the way and trying to make sense of their feelings and whatever ambiguity they have about them. They are most likely not going to disclose that. (Especially at the beginning stages like you were).

 

Why? because it limits their options of what they want to do and they probably haven't fully decided yet. Soooooo you just have to make peace with the fact that this is the way it is for most. Its human nature---not dishonest per se. They don't see it as dishonest because they haven't come to a conclusive decision. The best thing you can do for yourself at this time, IMO, is change your thinking about relationships. They are FLUID not fixed. Therefore, your actions have bearing on the outcome and where a person "stands" in their opinion of the relationship changes from time to time. I'm not saying this girl is in the right only that what you can do to change and optimize YOUR results in the dating world. Good luck

[DoubleJeopardy]

i think she behaved pretty sh*tty at the same time still you can only control yourself. Just some advice since you said you are not sure if you can do this dating thing any longer since "people aren't honest" etc. Here's the thing: you are wanting "honesty" which is not quite correct. I think more accurately you mean you want someone to know where it's going and let you know every step of the way (you probably want actual honesty as well which is different) but thats more like full disclosure. That would be a rarity if not almost impossible. People are discovering WHAT they want with you all along the way and trying to make sense of their feelings and whatever ambiguity they have about them. They are most likely not going to disclose that. (Especially at the beginning stages like you were).

 

Why? because it limits their options of what they want to do and they probably haven't fully decided yet. Soooooo you just have to make peace with the fact that this is the way it is for most. Its human nature---not dishonest per se. They don't see it as dishonest because they haven't come to a conclusive decision. The best thing you can do for yourself at this time, IMO, is change your thinking about relationships. They are FLUID not fixed. Therefore, your actions have bearing on the outcome and where a person "stands" in their opinion of the relationship changes from time to time. I'm not saying this girl is in the right only that what you can do to change and optimize YOUR results in the dating world. Good luck

 

I understand and get your point. However, how does one, after countless intimate sessions, family intros (her's not mine), and over two months of dating does one now state I do not feel chemistry. When, just three weeks ago she states I enjoy kissing and being with you so much.. If it was the first couple or few days, hey, I get it.. It's before any feelings develop. Usually, by two months or so, the chemistry thing is in tact.

 

In terms dealing with this in the dating world, I guess it's different from when I was dating years ago in my 20's. Women who didn't find chemistry or liked me told me on the first or second date. Hey, no problem. This is just mind boggling to keep someone hanging around for 2 + months. She did tell me she broke up with a guy after six months because she didn't fee the chemistry. I guess I should had taken that as a hint. Perhaps, she cannot feel chemistry? Or she has a list of requirements that are just unobtainable? Not sure. But it wasn't cool to play with my heart nor any other man's like that. I've not felt it with women I've dated.. I've told them flat out, then they just don't reply. This one states she's said because of the no chemistry and she'll miss me. It's like Pandora's box here. Next, she'll text me in a few days saying she made a mistake. I'm no one's second option or safety, so I'd pass. I expected more from a woman who's 33 years old.

 

If I am over reacting, I apologize. I do not think I am, but I am also venting.

[kendahke]

Guess I am not as cold as others. I confront issues address them and where ever the chips fall, that is where they land. This ghosting stuff is weak and not me. If I date someone and it doesn't work out or my feeling change, then I will inform them. All I ask is the same.

 

Well, you can ask til times get better, but it doesn't mean the person you're dealing with approaches life the exact same way you do. If they don't, there isn't much you can do. You certainly can't make them do things to your satisfaction.

[DoubleJeopardy]

Well, you can ask til times get better, but it doesn't mean the person you're dealing with approaches life the exact same way you do. If they don't, there isn't much you can do. You certainly can't make them do things to your satisfaction.

 

Agreed, not trying to control anyone. Just want to be upfront. Don't invite me to family get togethers, meet parents, be intimate, say you will be there for me, then drop off the face of the Earth and say there's no chemistry. Who does that? It's pretty cruel to play on one's emotions. My ex-wife did that.. I didn't put up with that either.

[Versacehottie]

I understand and get your point. However, how does one, after countless intimate sessions, family intros (her's not mine), and over two months of dating does one now state I do not feel chemistry. When, just three weeks ago she states I enjoy kissing and being with you so much.. If it was the first couple or few days, hey, I get it.. It's before any feelings develop. Usually, by two months or so, the chemistry thing is in tact.

 

In terms dealing with this in the dating world, I guess it's different from when I was dating years ago in my 20's. Women who didn't find chemistry or liked me told me on the first or second date. Hey, no problem. This is just mind boggling to keep someone hanging around for 2 + months. She did tell me she broke up with a guy after six months because she didn't fee the chemistry. I guess I should had taken that as a hint. Perhaps, she cannot feel chemistry? Or she has a list of requirements that are just unobtainable? Not sure. But it wasn't cool to play with my heart nor any other man's like that. I've not felt it with women I've dated.. I've told them flat out, then they just don't reply. This one states she's said because of the no chemistry and she'll miss me. It's like Pandora's box here. Next, she'll text me in a few days saying she made a mistake. I'm no one's second option or safety, so I'd pass. I expected more from a woman who's 33 years old.

 

If I am over reacting, I apologize. I do not think I am, but I am also venting.

 

Hmmm, I don't necessarily think you are overreacting and it's fine to vent. I don't think you are wrong about your complaints about her--however, I just think it won't serve you to be "right". You are right. She's perhaps fickle, maybe even cruel. Her loss, not yours. Good thing you found out. What I am saying is you can be right about her but wrong about how you let it affect you and how you carry what things you learned here with her into your life going forward. Don't be in danger of becoming bitter or applying generalizations to relationships or potential going forward.

 

Also as K said, you can experience relationships one way but it doesn't mean everyone does in your same way. Her info gathering process is different, both in time, things that influence the way she feels & wants to progress etc. That's kind of my point--as soon as you realize that all people will not go about things the same, it may make things both a bit scarier but a bit more freeing for you and you will probably make better decisions for yourself. Basically also you need to characterize what happened with this situation as something that will work in your favor not hurt you in the future. Learn from it & characterize it as something that is positive for you, such as "good thing i only spent 2 months with someone that would not be able to meet my standards" and "i learned xyz about some people and some things to look for in the future". Chemistry for many people btw can be the sum of many things not just the physical, for example, how much she can see a future with you. Again, she sounds like an idiot for other reasons but I think it would serve you not to expect others to process things just as you do---and remember at any given time, people may change their minds about you. It will be less devastating. Good luck

[DoubleJeopardy]

No doubt. I am just processing it through my system. It's just a shame as, while she was very attractive, we also connected (I thought) on many levels. She did text me today and said she just wants a break, but we can talk at any time. So basically, I was placed on the back burner. I said that is not fair to me, so I wish you well in your future endeavors.

 

It still steams me that I was placed on a back burner... Shows little respect. I do not understand how people could do that to another human being. I turned my profile back on and there are several women who've contacted me since yesterday. Going to move on, but it still stings.. How people can think they are better than others is just beyond me.

[Versacehottie]

No doubt. I am just processing it through my system. It's just a shame as, while she was very attractive, we also connected (I thought) on many levels. She did text me today and said she just wants a break, but we can talk at any time. So basically, I was placed on the back burner. I said that is not fair to me, so I wish you well in your future endeavors.

 

It still steams me that I was placed on a back burner... Shows little respect. I do not understand how people could do that to another human being. I turned my profile back on and there are several women who've contacted me since yesterday. Going to move on, but it still stings.. How people can think they are better than others is just beyond me.

 

honestly---you are still being a bit rigid with how you view this. She could be an idiot, user, etc. But more than likely, this is just about her. If a person is not ready to move forward, it's not a diss on you necessarily or her thinking she is better than you. I'm guessing her saying that it has to do with "chemistry" makes you feel like it is a personal attack to your ego. Make peace with fact that you will not be everyone's cup of tea HOWEVER you are still whole and a perfect fit for someone (probably multiple someones) even if you haven't met that person yet.

 

*ps she does sound fickle like she is trying to preserve her "chance" with you for the future. So she is either in a bad place currently OR that is her character. If you believe it is her character, than good riddance. If you have reason to believe she is in a bad place currently and that there could be any truth to that, no reason to be as rigid as you have been with your thinking and your response. I'm leaning toward the fact that it's a little of both for this girl but don't be bitter about it. Makes you less attractive. And what a shame that would be.

[Maggie4]

Hey! so how come a woman tells you she's on two anti-anxiety meds and can't climax, you pick her? And, how come you chose the difficult case then expect it to work out? and when it doesn't, expect to be able to make sense of it?

[DoubleJeopardy]

honestly---you are still being a bit rigid with how you view this. She could be an idiot, user, etc. But more than likely, this is just about her. If a person is not ready to move forward, it's not a diss on you necessarily or her thinking she is better than you. I'm guessing her saying that it has to do with "chemistry" makes you feel like it is a personal attack to your ego. Make peace with fact that you will not be everyone's cup of tea HOWEVER you are still whole and a perfect fit for someone (probably multiple someones) even if you haven't met that person yet.

 

*ps she does sound fickle like she is trying to preserve her "chance" with you for the future. So she is either in a bad place currently OR that is her character. If you believe it is her character, than good riddance. If you have reason to believe she is in a bad place currently and that there could be any truth to that, no reason to be as rigid as you have been with your thinking and your response. I'm leaning toward the fact that it's a little of both for this girl but don't be bitter about it. Makes you less attractive. And what a shame that would be.

 

I guess, at least in my mind, one doesn't say to the other there's no chemistry, when that was the complete opposite stated to me previously. While I agree, I think there is something being left out and not being told to me, it still is bothersome by going from one end of chemistry to the other end of no chemistry. Just very strange. I also found it strange, when she came over to sleep over, her sister and brother in law, called no less than eight times to check on her. We were watching some DVDs we didn't complete, and she said we'd finish them up next time, but packed everything up and took them back with her. I found that kind of odd. Lastly, when her younger sister moved out of the parent's house several years ago and she's still there also should had said something to me. First, it was to take care of her parents (mid 60's). Then, because of anxiety. Now, all of a sudden she wants to move out. It's clear that something was up.

 

I just feel played and used. That is what is/was bothering me.

[DoubleJeopardy]

Hey! so how come a woman tells you she's on two anti-anxiety meds and can't climax, you pick her? And, how come you chose the difficult case then expect it to work out? and when it doesn't, expect to be able to make sense of it?

 

You are right. I am looking for a logical reason to an problem that I do not have all the peaces to. I really didn't think anxiety issues were that big of a deal. I guess, 33, full time job, no debt and still living with the parents is a red flag that I shouldn't overlook. For some reason I thought this one was different. I guess my naivety was pretty bad on this one. Why did I pick her? It seemed, on the surface, our personalities matched. I misread the situation. My fault. I try not to judge people for their negatives and only their positives.

[DoubleJeopardy]

All in all, the fact that she then peddled back and said, we're on a break, really was pretty hurtful. Shows, like others had said, I was just an option. It also shows that she lied to me when I stated I wanted to move forward exclusively with her. She seemed to happily agree. I asked if she was still on dating sites, she said no. More upset with how I misread the situation and how I can not repeat the same mistakes.

[Cali1978]

You are right. I am looking for a logical reason to an problem that I do not have all the peaces to. I really didn't think anxiety issues were that big of a deal. I guess, 33, full time job, no debt and still living with the parents is a red flag that I shouldn't overlook. For some reason I thought this one was different. I guess my naivety was pretty bad on this one. Why did I pick her? It seemed, on the surface, our personalities matched. I misread the situation. My fault. I try not to judge people for their negatives and only their positives.

 

I don't think you are naive op. I don't think these are major red flags and I think it's great you don't judge someone on their negatives. I've been guilty of staying with someone maybe too long because I believed like you, that our personalities matched. That's hard to find so you want to give it every chance. For me it can take a while to finally believe the chemistry isn't there. Probably not a good trait of mine but I look at it as giving every potential partner a chance as we are all a bit awkward in the first date to two. I could be talking through my hat though as I can't seem to find anyone I'm compatible with!!

[mightycpa]

I understand and get your point. However, how does one, after countless intimate sessions, family intros (her's not mine), and over two months of dating does one now state I do not feel chemistry. When, just three weeks ago she states I enjoy kissing and being with you so much.. If it was the first couple or few days, hey, I get it.. It's before any feelings develop. Usually, by two months or so, the chemistry thing is in tact.

If, as you say, you have had 20+ years of relationship experience, then the fact that this routinely occurs should be no surprise to you.

 

In terms dealing with this in the dating world, I guess it's different from when I was dating years ago in my 20's. Women who didn't find chemistry or liked me told me on the first or second date. Hey, no problem. This is just mind boggling to keep someone hanging around for 2 + months. She did tell me she broke up with a guy after six months because she didn't fee the chemistry. I guess I should had taken that as a hint. Perhaps, she cannot feel chemistry? Or she has a list of requirements that are just unobtainable? Not sure. But it wasn't cool to play with my heart nor any other man's like that. I've not felt it with women I've dated.. I've told them flat out, then they just don't reply. This one states she's said because of the no chemistry and she'll miss me. It's like Pandora's box here. Next, she'll text me in a few days saying she made a mistake. I'm no one's second option or safety, so I'd pass. I expected more from a woman who's 33 years old.

 

If I am over reacting, I apologize. I do not think I am, but I am also venting.

You can vent, that's fine, and I think that people should be fairly straightforward about their intentions, whether the relationship is going north or south. If you've been even the slightest bit intimate, like "more than friends", then it's both common courtesy and a practical interest to let somebody know when the temperature is changing, as in

 

I'm not really feeling it any more

So really, I see you have a valid complaint about her communication but not really about the state of her feelings. They are what they are. The only thing you can really do is subject yourself to them, or not. Those are your choices. If the risk/difficulty is compounded by an inability/unwillingness to be forthcoming, then the smart answer is NOT.

 

That's it.

[DoubleJeopardy]

I don't think you are naive op. I don't think these are major red flags and I think it's great you don't judge someone on their negatives. I've been guilty of staying with someone maybe too long because I believed like you, that our personalities matched. That's hard to find so you want to give it every chance. For me it can take a while to finally believe the chemistry isn't there. Probably not a good trait of mine but I look at it as giving every potential partner a chance as we are all a bit awkward in the first date to two. I could be talking through my hat though as I can't seem to find anyone I'm compatible with!!

 

I try, but it seems being a good guy (not the nice guy) backfires too. I just like to know why? I know I will never know. Just tried of continuing to give olive branches to "good" women and just to learn later on that I was played or taken advantage of. Previously, since my divorce, I took I IDGAF attitude to protect myself from hurt like from my ex-wife. Worked wonders. I allowed myself to fall for this one, and I got crapped on. My friends just say women are just different these days. They are not looking for the future, even though they said they are. They are looking for Mr. Right Now and how can he help me in life.

 

Boy, dating has changed.. I put my profile back up on the dating sites and several women have reached out to go meet up. It's appreciated, but I need to protect my heart and not allow emotions to take control again. I also find it hard to juggle more than one woman. I swear it's like playing chess. It shouldn't be this hard.