kortz Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Hi everyone, First time poster but I've been reading the forum for a while during my breakup as a source of support and advice given out to others. Its been a great help and today I just felt the need for a bit of a brain dump and also wanted to hear other people's stories when they've broken no contact. My story: Long story short, my ex gf of 2 years dumped me properly 6 weeks ago. Our breakup has actually been several months in the making, and the reasons for it are genuine. Basically she is significantly older than me (10 years) and after about 20 months it got to the point where she couldn't continue. At the time it was an amicable breakup and we didn't breakup because one of us fell out of love, which caused problems as we immediately remained friends and a bit part of each others lives. This went on for a few months. Anyway fast forward a few months, we were in this weird friend limbo, we still loved each other and slept with each other 3-4 times during this breakup friendship however it was upsetting for both of us. I guess I was trying to work back up to a reconciliation slowly and build her confidence back up after I made some bad decisions over the xmas period. Eventually I saw this wasn't going anywhere and I just came out and said how I felt about her and that despite our reasons for breaking up I felt we could make it work and wanted to be with her. She said no that the reasons still stood for her and that now we need a clean break. I did the begging for a couple of days, it wasn't too bad just a couple of long emails but she remained firm. Then I found out the next day she was seeing someone else and as far as I know shes still with him. This is when I started no contact so as of yesterday it has been 6 weeks of no contact, not a peep from her and nothing from me, and shes been seeing this guy 6 weeks as far as I know. The first 4-5 weeks were incredibly hard but eventually I was feeling a bit better. I was able to focus more on work and getting to the gym and while I still miss her, I don't feel as down as I did. Yesterday I went to the gym and I should clarify, we go to the same gym as we live close to it but since our breakup I've only seen her there once and that was when we were trying to be friends. Shes been going at times she knows I don't go in at. So yesterday I went in and about 15 minutes in I looked up and there she was walking past me, she had come out of a class and was now walking passed me and she looked at me. For a very split second I smiled, I almost felt a very brief joy at seeing her however just as quickly as I felt it reality pulled me back and my smile went and I looked away. I think this is what she did as well, she went to smile but then saw me snap back to reality and so did she and walked off and left. It was quite a surreal blurry moment, and initially felt like a dream, as though it didn't happen. I finished my workout and towards the end it was sinking in what had happened so I was feeling quite anxious and just wanted to get home so I did. Then I got home and through the emotions and endorphins I thought to myself I should text her. She's a very strong and independent woman, and also very stubborn at times and I thought to myself I'm just going to be the bigger person here and text her so I did...I knew in my head I was breaking no contact and that I probably shouldn't but I just thought screw it whats the harm in being civil. There was always a lot of respect between us and things were never ugly or nothing bad was ever said. So I text her saying I wasn't expecting to see her, I should have said hi but I was caught off guard and its been a while but I hope shes's well. She replied within a few minutes saying she wasn't expecting to see me either and that its ok. That shes good and hopes I am too. I didn't reply since her response was quite closed off (although so was my original text). I didn't feel great the rest of the day but I wasn't thrown back into a full on relapse and today I'm feeling better but still playing it over in my head. I know I have to go straight back to no contact and I am doing and that I can't read anything into what happened. I'm not over her and I suppose I felt that by doing this I'd at least show her that despite everything that has happened that I'm still approachable and don't harbor any resentment towards her. I guess I came on here just to let it out a bit and get people's opinions on whether it was the right thing to do. I get most people will say I shouldn't have done it and perhaps I slipped up by doing so. Does anyone else want to share their story of breaking no contact and what was the outcome?
Maldives Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 It's neither here nor there dude. 10 yrs from now ur not gonna be racking ur brain about an sms. Because she broke it u dont have to 2nd guess ur self about wether u shld contact her or not. She knows where u r how to reach u. Don't feel guilty about not speaking wth her. The NC thing is about u and not her. If u dont contact her no matter how hard it shows u have respect for ureself standards and boundaries. It's better than not I think to not contact her.
Author kortz Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 It's neither here nor there dude. 10 yrs from now ur not gonna be racking ur brain about an sms. Because she broke it u dont have to 2nd guess ur self about wether u shld contact her or not. She knows where u r how to reach u. Don't feel guilty about not speaking wth her. The NC thing is about u and not her. If u dont contact her no matter how hard it shows u have respect for ureself standards and boundaries. It's better than not I think to not contact her. Yea you're right and I've actually been feeling ok today as though it didn't even happen because in reality it was barely anything. I guess with no contact it sometimes feels quite harsh especially in this case where the breakup was for a genuine out of our hands type reason but not based on emotions or feelings...so cutting someone out of your life who you hold as such an important person in your life is sad...but I try to remind myself that 1) she's seeing someone else and 2) if i meant something to her she would eventually reach out, she left me in a really bad way and the more time that went by where she didn't the more I thought well screw her. I suppose on some level I like to think our paths will cross again one day, even as friends but I also know there is a chance that might not happen and I feel this way because I'm not over her...but hey it actually makes me a little happy to think one day we can look back on it all over a drink and reminisce. Time will tell I guess.
Blanco Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 I suppose on some level I like to think our paths will cross again one day, even as friends but I also know there is a chance that might not happen and I feel this way because I'm not over her...but hey it actually makes me a little happy to think one day we can look back on it all over a drink and reminisce. Time will tell I guess. You may find that a comforting thought now, but retained over time, that thought will surely keep you from truly moving on. 1
Author kortz Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 You may find that a comforting thought now, but retained over time, that thought will surely keep you from truly moving on. Yeh you're right. I guess I thought trying to put a positive spin on it would help make things less painful but at the end of the day its holding onto something that may never happen. Its hard not to let your imagination run away sometimes. 1
Altair0770 Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 I broke NC after about 2 months. Saw how devastated and upset she was by her postings on social media. I had a smirk on my face but eventually got tired of seeing someone I still loved in so much misery, and thought it was my best opportunity to win her back. I broke NC, and it was the response I really wanted. Thought it was the steps to reconciliation. We chatted it up for about a month before she seemed to get tired of the high of me being back. I noticed she also started posting different things on social media that seemed like she was trying to attract someone. She was. When I learned of this new person (didn't find out who), i started getting flashbacks of how terrible she treated me (she's a narcissist). I got really upset and sent a txt telling her that I'm not a "**** boy" and that I'm either plan A or I don't exist anymore. She told me the door is closed and she wants me to move on, and "if you need to go away for awhile that's FINE". That right there turned any sadness into anger, so I told her to block me on all social media. She cried and begged not to have to, but I just reminded her that this is her choice. I then left and started NC again, but this time proper NC to heal. It's nearing 4 months now of no contact. No breadcrumbs, nothing. She's a fearful lad, so I doubt I'll receive anything soon if she even wants me back. Thing is, she's made indirect contact. Tried posting slooty pictures where I'd see them (I have many social media accounts I rarely use, but she was added to all of them), and has been stalking my social media the entire time. No matter what you do, some social media platforms are always open to the public. You could go private, but that defeats the point of some social media platforms like Twitter. Moral of the story - Don't break contact EVER. LET THEM COME TO YOU. Even as a dumpee, you're going to feel guilty at times. This is why spying on them or anything like that is never a good idea. Ideally as a dumpee you want to see your dumper suffer from their decision. But, once you actually see that, it messes with your mind and you feel guilty for leaving. NC is all about you. Not them. It's just enjoyable making them suffer, but out of sight out of mind. 1
penelopeanne Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 i broke nc for myself yesterday. my ex has kept up with social media "likes" (seems so juvenile) since the break up about 3 months ago but i haven't really. and we haven't talked or seen each other (only once in passing through a window) since a week before the break up. i wrote him a short private message yesterday after i got a few notifications on facebook that he liked some of my old pics of he and i together. i mean, why?? i didn't say much in the message and i don't expect a response, i just want him to know how something like that can make someone feel. he really is so detached. i feel indifferent about writing him. part of me wishes i continued the silence. i just couldn't help myself.
Bromeo Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Every time I broke nc during my breakup which brought me here, it sucked and was a terrible idea. I mean every single time. The time was the most painful and confusion in recent memory, and I'll never repeat those actions again. She would reach out, I would respond, and she would back off and distance. A quite terrible cycle. The counsel here usually is a revolving door of: 1. Go no contact and heal! 2. No worries, we all break no contact, don't do it again and heal! 3. You did what?!? Don't ever do that again, she/he dumped you and doesn't care. 4. Breadcrumbs mean Shiite! Social media means nothing! Your breakup isn't special, and they are all pretty much the same. 5. Yes, she/he does think about you, no you shouldn't reach out, and glad to see progress. 6. Glad to see you are doing so well after 6/9/12/18 months. Still don't contact her. And sadly: 7. Welcome back, see #1. What part of any of that is a breaking no contact success story? 1 out of about 75? All breaking no contact does is wreck you emotionally. I've spent a fair amount of time on this and other boards educating myself to understand my situation through the lenses of others. The less mature the dumper is, the more we chat with the dumpee here. Hence my thread of 100 posts, and countless others. Rarely do I read, "we kissed, said goodbye and remain friends". These folks don't need LS. the rest of us dealing with ambiguous, immature, and uncommunicative ex partners sadly do. 3
Redhead14 Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Breaking no contact, is kinda like being an addict. You know the stuff is bad for you but you're jonesin for a fix. And, when you get it, it's a fleeting high to calm the anxiety. But in your head you know the crash is coming and it's usually bad. The only way to leave it behind is to throw away all the needles (avenues for contact, observing -- phone, social media, etc), surround yourself with people who are "clean" -- out of the environment -- and get super busy with finding new ways to enhance your life. Easier said than done, but it's about mindset and resolve which supports a position of strength. And, think of it as a "civic duty" -- being down and negative affects the people you know and love. They want and need their friend/son/brother back and you need yourself back 2
Author kortz Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 Breaking no contact, is kinda like being an addict. You know the stuff is bad for you but you're jonesin for a fix. And, when you get it, it's a fleeting high to calm the anxiety. But in your head you know the crash is coming and it's usually bad. The only way to leave it behind is to throw away all the needles (avenues for contact, observing -- phone, social media, etc), surround yourself with people who are "clean" -- out of the environment -- and get super busy with finding new ways to enhance your life. Easier said than done, but it's about mindset and resolve which supports a position of strength. And, think of it as a "civic duty" -- being down and negative affects the people you know and love. They want and need their friend/son/brother back and you need yourself back Yea this is true. For a brief moment I felt good about it, like I was being civil and the mature person by acknowledging her existence and demonstrating that she may have hurt me by leaving but I'm still alive and kicking...but in reality now that it's done in hindsight it feels like it wouldn't have made any difference either way. Luckily I don't feel as though it has set me back either, I don't feel any worse for it so I suppose the 6 weeks of no contact prior to the text have at least done something to help me heal. I've gone straight back to no contact following the text 2 days ago and feel fine about it, as though its the norm now.
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