Luhman Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 So a couple of months ago I was away from college to visit my old hometown. While I was there I started to flirt a little with a girl from my old school. Afterwards, we started to chat every day, sending each other flirty messages and sharing whatever was going on. It was a little boring not be able to meet her as I'm studying far away, but I really liked her so I really put an effort into talking with her. Eventually we decided to have a date next time I was in town. The date was decent, we had a pretty good time at the restaurant and were making out at the cinema. Yet there was something that felt strangely off, which I couldn't point my finger on at the time. Later she told me she had a really good time but she had to think about it. I was a little disappointed and went back to college. After two weeks of awkward snaps and some occasional chats she told med that she had met another guy about a week before our date. She said she wasn't really sure about her feelings, but she really likes me and wants to go on another date when I come home for summer to see what happens. At first I got quite turned off and a little offended. Now I just don't know what to answer. I'm really in to her in a way I haven't felt for a long while, but the fact she was still flirting with me and went on a date with me while she was thinking of another dude makes me really hesitant. Any advise?
salparadise Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 (edited) After two weeks of awkward snaps and some occasional chats she told med that she had met another guy about a week before our date. She said she wasn't really sure about her feelings, but she really likes me and wants to go on another date when I come home for summer to see what happens. Sorry man, I know that must feel yucky. Technically she hasn't done anything wrong since there is presumably no exclusivity with either of you, but... I know if I was into someone and believed it was reciprocal, and then she later revealed that she's multi-dating (which I'd likely interpret as schtupping), I'd get a really queasy feeling in my stomach, and the disappointment would be palpable. It would feel extremely incongruent to me, and I need congruency. Only you can decide whether to pursue or not. Since you are away at college most of the time, and the other dude is presumably local, you are at a disadvantage. How could you not be wondering while you're away. It also depends on whether your attraction is mostly sexual or more personal (I'm guessing the latter). If it's sexual, this might be a situation where you'd be justified in a hit and quit, and then let her either come to you or not. Some women are just wired such that they need, and feel entitled to, a lot of male attention... cultivate fan clubs and orbiters. Others are strictly one at a time. Naturally, guys who are relationship oriented want the one at a time variety. So you could compete for her exclusive attention, or if it just doesn't feel right to you, bow out and spare yourself all of the drama, heartbreak and humiliation that's likely to follow. The only advice I'll give is, don't allow her to use you as a backup plan or back door man. Preserve your dignity and don't get invested emotionally until/unless she drops the other guy and gives you her full attention. Edited May 21, 2017 by salparadise 1
victoria88 Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 I learnt from this forum that some women are doing this: dating one man, meeting another, telling the first one she met someone else... Can's she decide who she has feelings for? I am not an expert about all the women but when I am in love with one man I cannot be in love with another one. Usually a woman has only friends (friends she likes) and ONE man she loves. So, she must know who she loves. 1
CptInsano Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 My gut feeling is that it is more or less over at this point. If she wanted you she'd end it with the other guy. If she was at least seriously considering you, she would keep it a secret in order not to blow her chances with you. So yes, you're probably second choice at the moment. I would look for somebody where you study.
Author Luhman Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 Sorry man, I know that must feel yucky. Technically she hasn't done anything wrong since there is presumably no exclusivity with either of you, but... I know if I was into someone and believed it was reciprocal, and then she later revealed that she's multi-dating (which I'd likely interpret as schtupping), I'd get a really queasy feeling in my stomach, and the disappointment would be palpable. It would feel extremely incongruent to me, and I need congruency. Only you can decide whether to pursue or not. Since you are away at college most of the time, and the other dude is presumably local, you are at a disadvantage. How could you not be wondering while you're away. It also depends on whether your attraction is mostly sexual or more personal (I'm guessing the latter). If it's sexual, this might be a situation where you'd be justified in a hit and quit, and then let her either come to you or not. Some women are just wired such that they need, and feel entitled to, a lot of male attention... cultivate fan clubs and orbiters. Others are strictly one at a time. Naturally, guys who are relationship oriented want the one at a time variety. So you could compete for her exclusive attention, or if it just doesn't feel right to you, bow out and spare yourself all of the drama, heartbreak and humiliation that's likely to follow. The only advice I'll give is, don't allow her to use you as a backup plan or back door man. Preserve your dignity and don't get invested emotionally until/unless she drops the other guy and gives you her full attention. Thanks mate. Well the thing here is that he lives even more distant. In fact he's from another country. It kind of leaves me in a position where I feel like a backup. Even if she eventually told me that she chose me, I'd probably wonder if that was because he lived too far away. But thanks for making me think about it. It will be easier to make up my mind now.
OatsAndHall Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 This may sound harsh but I wouldn't continue to talk to her, even if I was the forerunner in the "race". She has every right to see as many men as she wants but I'm not going to feel like I need to compete for her attention. It's not a self-esteem issue for me; it just feels like a waste of time and energy. Her honesty was a good thing but it would feel misguided to me. In your shoes, I would much rather have her tell me that she was seeing someone else before we went out and that she wants to give the other relationship a chance. 6
coolheadal Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Thanks mate. Well the thing here is that he lives even more distant. In fact he's from another country. It kind of leaves me in a position where I feel like a backup. Even if she eventually told me that she chose me, I'd probably wonder if that was because he lived too far away. But thanks for making me think about it. It will be easier to make up my mind now. Well put it this way your not engaged yet. So she can do anything she pleases so can you. LDR is tough on both but got look at this point she has chosen you over him. Just forget the other guy. Does it really matter who she chose, but if t was you then be happy she made the right decision.
Erik30 Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 I think situations like this with another guy in the picture happen a lot, the only difference here is that she actually told you about him. You can expect a girl to be talking to other guys, but like you, I would also be turned off because she said she "has to think about it." After the first date it's still supposed to be about just having fun and getting to know each other. I would stop talking to her so much, and just see what happens when you get back home. In the meantime, date other girls.
smackie9 Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Dude you should be plugging different college girls, not doing a LDR. When you are away again, she will be meeting someone new anyways. Not worth it. But if you can get some action out of her, then take advatage and date her casually. 2
mightycpa Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 So you're at college and she's at home and you want her to what? Fall in love with you and pine over you every day just because she's had a couple dates with you? You want her to turn down dates with guys that live near her, and sit at home waiting instead? Really? Why? I thought you said you like this girl. Shouldn't you want what's best for her? Here's what you do. Tell her you like her. Tell her you'd like to go out with her whenever you go home. Tell her that you understand that sometimes she might have a boyfriend when you come home, and you know that you can't go out on a date with her then, but you'd still like to visit her. Don't promise anything, don't mention some kind of future with her beyond that. Then go date some college girls. You can like this girl and you can be interested in seeing her, but for your sake and hers, don't try to tie her down and don't let her tie you down. Just see her every once in a while and I'll bet you outlast all the boyfriends she'll go through. You said she's from your "old" school. So I guess that means she'll soon be going to college too? Same place as you? I'm thinking probably different, but either way, she's going to meet a lot of interesting boys/men in the next few years, and if you're not around every day of the year while that's happening, you will lose her, that's just about guaranteed. Save yourself the heartache. 2
BaileyB Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Technically, she has done nothing wrong and she's been honest with you. But, I wouldn't invest further in the relationship at is point. I want to date someone who is interested and wants to date me. If she's so unsure that she is having a hard time deciding between me and someone else... I would help her to make that decision - I would be gone. 2
Author Luhman Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 Wow, first time at this forum but I gotta say I'm overwhelmed by the response here. Really appreciate the will to help here. Later today she sent me another message telling me that what she meant was that she had her head full of thoughts at the last date that made her a little absent. However, she was looking forward to see me again next week. So I'm really torn apart atm. Option one would be to tell her that I'm not interested in seeing her as long as I'm competing for her attention. Option two would be to meet her over a cup of coffee or so, talk to her and see what happens. But I'd make it clear that I'm not interested in investing any more energy or emotions if she still needs to think about it. I guess the only thing I have to lose on option2 is my pride, hehe
smackie9 Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Or 3) just relax, enjoy her company and not get too invested. These are dates, not counseling sessions. Just have fun. The more uninterested, the more attractive you will be to her....if you get all up on her about having to choose and all that crap....well that's just a downer. 2
anduina Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Instead of being one of a crowd and getting more invested in someone who's uncertain about you, perhaps wish her the best of luck with the other guy since you're not into multidating and tell her to hit you up if it doesn't work out. This will let her know that you're mature and confident enough to not be upset about multidating but that you won't compete and will gentlemanly step down from the race. 2
BaileyB Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Or 3) just relax, enjoy her company and not get too invested. These are dates, not counseling sessions. Just have fun. The more uninterested, the more attractive you will be to her....if you get all up on her about having to choose and all that crap....well that's just a downer. You could certainly do this, you just need to manage your expectations. And by saying this, I mean don't get too attached and spend too much time with someone when the relationship may not have much of a future when you could be dating other women who are more available and interested in dating you. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Tell her you will make the decision easy for her and bow out of the competition. If she doesn't know she wants to be with you, you don't need her. When her relationship with that other guy (almost) inevitably fails, she will feel stupid and want to reconnect. If she ends up marrying the guy or something, he was the right choice to begin with. Either way, you don't want her. This... I don't want to be the idiot hanging around for when this flighty girl decides that the other guy just used her, so now she comes back around... She isn't confident enough in her abilities to make a sound decision, so she plays it safe by making you the fallback option.,.. Preserve your dignity and don't be that guy...Its a horrible position to be in, even if you wind up with the "prize".... TFY 2
mortensorchid Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 When I like a man, I want to be with him and no one else should someone present themselves to me. And I reject that other man. She is not doing that to you, she obviously likes that other man as well. And ... You've been put on the back burner I'm sorry to say. But ... It's what it is. Move on. 1
act00 Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 You're not around. She's going to date men who are. You are at a disadvantage there, but you are also at college where there are plenty of women to date. It's unrealistic to think she'll be at home waiting for you. A LDR would be a choice if you had a strong relationship when you left, and even then, you might find that you (or she) finds someone local. The timing is off. Enjoy her friendship. If she's single when you're back home, go out with her. 1
CptInsano Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Instead of being one of a crowd and getting more invested in someone who's uncertain about you, perhaps wish her the best of luck with the other guy since you're not into multidating and tell her to hit you up if it doesn't work out. This will let her know that you're mature and confident enough to not be upset about multidating but that you won't compete and will gentlemanly step down from the race. Exactly that. Why set yourself up for something that causes you grief? The OP is in college after all, it's way too early IMHO to get hung up on sonebody and miss out on chances that he might have. 1
Bastile Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 (edited) The first point is to not consider it any sort of "race" that you must run. That is qualifying yourself, and leads to a bad place in your head and with your energy. Other guys don't exist. Note it (of course), but it goes in one ear and out the other. Do the masculine thing, ignore it and hope it goes away. The fact is that, through my experience, the majority of women do not have sex with most of the men they are dating or seeing anyway. There is usually one, maybe two, guys that are prioritized and having sex whilst others are held in a holding pattern. And, if you upset a woman by doing something like denying her exclusivity, then that is when all of the other options start to come out of the woodwork, or she tries using them to make you jealous. This is why it's a great idea to drag out the non-exclusive stage of a relationship. You learn an awful lot about people by doing that. You'll realize sooner or later that most attractive women have a lot of options, and a lot of guys hovering around them like sharks. Women are also adept at playing this to their advantage. That is something your ego will just have to accept and adapt to. This girl is just being fairly up front with you about it from the off. The point is to not accept being one of them kept in a holding pattern. That's all. The focus should be more on getting your own needs met whilst adapting. And to be fair, from what you've said, it doesn't seem to fit the description of typical back up guy, or guy getting exploited for attention. Go out with her, but don't get silly about it. Take it easy. Have fun, have great sex, and see where it goes from there. Edited May 22, 2017 by Bastile
lolablue17 Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 She's been honest with you. Why not being honest with her? You can tell her that you feel uncomfortable with this situation, so you're gonna set some upcoming dates with other girls, and only after you'll have one of them on your mind, then, you'll contact her for a date. 1
doyathinkso Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 You can tell her that you feel uncomfortable with this situation, so you're gonna set some upcoming dates with other girls, and only after you'll have one of them on your mind, then, you'll contact her for a date. Hmmm. Passive-aggressive much? This usually proves to be an ineffective strategy.
OnlyHonesty Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 If a woman said that to me, I'd make the decision for her. I think any man with even an ounce of self respect would do the same. She just told you that you were her official back up plan and she has shown you who she is. 2
lolablue17 Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Hmmm. Passive-aggressive much? This usually proves to be an ineffective strategy. It was a joke.... 1
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