scv88 Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 When someone tells you they would like to "take things slow", what does that mean to you? From the start, the guy I'm dating has said he wanted to take things slowly and tonight he asked if I was okay with how things are going, because he's happy taking things slowly. At first I said I was fine with it, but now I realize I'm not even sure what he means by "slow". We are hanging out tomorrow and I'll bring it up in person, but I'm just curious what others think slow means. Thanks, S
jjgitties Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Well, i guess it could mean anything from "let's not jump into bed" to "lets not jump head first into a relationship" to "i dont want an exclusive relationship, I just was a casual thing" to "I am not sure I really like you". Usually when someone says that, I would suggest, assume they aren't very into you so don't bother trying to force it. Just sit back and see where it goes. 7
giventheflick Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Commitment phobes, those who have been burned before, those not over their ex and those who aren't sure if they want a relationship usually say that they want to take things slowly. 8
todreaminblue Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 to me taking it slow means sex is off the table and heavy physical intimacy more an intimate getting to know each other first and it isnt about not being into the guy at all..its not wanting to knock boots straight away in fact it really works when they feel similar about taking it slow and will back that choice i really desire, when i weaken.......deb 1
Kamille Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 I'm seeing a guy and we're both happy to "take things slow", which to us means not forcing things along. We are into each other, and agreed last night to see each other exclusively. Neither one of us wants an insta-relationship, for reasons that are our own. We both a relationship, but want to make sure we're a compatible match before we commit. I'm really enjoying it. Ask him what it means on your date - and think about what you want. If the pace works for you, great. Do your best to stay in a good head space before the date. Really, you don't know until you talk to him. 3
basil67 Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Well that's just great to hear... Please don't assume the worst. Ask him what he means. 5
d0nnivain Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 I agree with the definitions offered by jjgitties, but not the conclusion. Slow doesn't mean the other person isn't into you. It could mean the opposite -- they really like you but want this to last so they are trying to build a foundation. In my experience, usually somebody who wants slow is afraid of being hurt or used. When you talk about it, be diplomatic. You don't want to inadvertently back the other person into a corner trying to define the relationship because that is not slow. If you are enjoying what is presently happening, keep doing it. Save the conversations for later, especially if the definition of slow includes waiting for sex. You do need a conversation before becoming intimate. If you must talk about what slow means. Ask. Do not offer your definition. Say something like, I'm still OK with slow but I am a bit confused about what slow means to you. When they explain, confirm that what you are doing fits within their idea of slow. Then return to your regularly scheduled interactions. 3
Redhead14 Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 It means that you need to manage your emotions and expectations and not grab on to each other with both hands just because you've gone out a few times. It means taking each day as it comes and enjoying the time spent with each other and evaluating objectively. Have you two had a conversation about what you each want out of your dating journeys overall? Are you on the same page in terms of dating goals? Is he looking for a long-term partner or is he just dating casually without plans for marriage to anyone? And, even if he says he's looking for marriage, you need to observe whether he dates you that way. Right now, it seems he is dating you that way. If he's consistent with communicating and scheduling dates, isn't pushing for sex, then just continue to observe. Sometimes a guy or a woman will bring up the "let's go slow" thing when they realize that the other party seems to be too attached, too soon or sense they are stressing, etc. They are basically telling the other party to relax . . . This guy asked you if you were satisfied with the way things were going . . . he just wants to know if he's doing a good enough job of dating you and whether it's meeting your early dating needs, etc. 1
Ronnys93 Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 I agree with the definitions offered by jjgitties, but not the conclusion. Slow doesn't mean the other person isn't into you. It could mean the opposite -- they really like you but want this to last so they are trying to build a foundation. In my experience, usually somebody who wants slow is afraid of being hurt or used. When you talk about it, be diplomatic. You don't want to inadvertently back the other person into a corner trying to define the relationship because that is not slow. If you are enjoying what is presently happening, keep doing it. Save the conversations for later, especially if the definition of slow includes waiting for sex. You do need a conversation before becoming intimate. If you must talk about what slow means. Ask. Do not offer your definition. Say something like, I'm still OK with slow but I am a bit confused about what slow means to you. When they explain, confirm that what you are doing fits within their idea of slow. Then return to your regularly scheduled interactions. Oh wow, that's exactly what I personally mean when I want to take things slow. Nice to see that written out by someone else. It's also good that you say to ask and not offer your definition of slow, because slow could mean two totally different things for people.
mortensorchid Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Commitment phobic? Yes, some are. I for one am not afraid of commitment but past experiences have taught me a lot about things with an LTR. They are as such (yes, another posting of rules as many have pointed out. But if you are bent out of shape about it, go ahead and don't listen to me): 1) The first 3 Months - During the first 3 months you are not in a relationship, you are dating and getting to know each other. During this period, keep it to yourself as to what you are and are not doing - don't post on social media that you are with this person doing this or that, don't talk about them to others. This is the crush phase when you are very excited about it and want to share it with others, but you are creating problems by annoying people with it. 2) Introductions - Don't go public with it until at least 3 months into it. That is, don't update your relationship status on Facebook or introduce them to friends/family. If you do that, something happens. If you do something happens - the friends/family do not like that person or vice versa, the friends/family react badly or the person in question breaks it off. Don't believe me? Try it. I brought a bf to meet friends many years ago to a party, they HATED HIM. One wrote a scathing hot email to me with every filthy word in the book in it, ending it with "If this is you now, I liked you better before (name)!" The other was a follower and did what she was told by the dominant force and followed suit. Needless to say, I stopped speaking to both of them. But that's another story... 3) Bio rhythms - You will reach certain peaks and plateaus. After 6 months is when the crush / infatuation period is over, you are no longer dating you are in a relationship when the newness of the situation has worn off. Then at 1 year, then at the 1 1/2 year / 2 year point is when someone bails because they realize they are in this for the long haul. And then chances are the man breaks it off (after being emotionally and verbally abusive), rebounds and marries a trashy ho who takes him to the cleaners. 1
coolheadal Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Well that's just great to hear... A word of Caution! The guy you are with has the final say so. We all here can't answer for him. But take it slow can be so many things. What really brought on that comment to you from him. What happen prior to this. I don't recall you mentioning in you first post there. That can determined what he was trying to think about. The you come on to strong to him (wants, needs, etc) Usually worded in a way of confused on purpose to a backdoor exit mode. 1
smackie9 Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 If some guy I really liked/dating said that to me.....exit stage right. Not my kind of pace, and I have a sense that there is some baggage lurking, he's damaged, or just weighing his options. Not going to wait around and find out. My suggestion is have open honest communication with this guy. Don't let him give you vague answers or excuses....find out why specifically he needs this from you. Then broach the subject regularly and take note on the progress. If he is dragging his feet way too much for your liking, dump him. 1
Author scv88 Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 We weren't really discussing anything when he brought it up. I was travelling and he asked me to text him when I got home, so I did. The conversation went like this: Me: Hey! I made it home..FINALLY. Him:Great, glad you're safe. What are you up to? Going to be up for awhile? Me: Folding laundry and watching tv.. I'll be up for a little. What's up? Him: Great... can I ask you something? Me: --panic-- Of course, shoot Him: Are you ok with the way we have been going? Like taking it slow and stuff? Of course I'd like to see you more, and I know you want to see me more, and hopefully summer schedules will let us. But other than that are you ok? Me: I'm okay with it for the most part, yes. I would like to see you more often, but I knew from the start that things would be hectic right now, so I totally understand. What about you? Him: Ok. I definitely want to see you more. And I think with the additional free time we will have soon, it'll be a lot easier. I just wanted to make sure, I really just don't want to rush into anything and make a mistake. It died from there, but I couldn't stop thinking about it so I asked for clarification this morning when he texted me. It went like this: Me: Can I ask you something about what we briefly discussed last night? Him: Yes Me: What does 'taking it slow' mean to you? I feel like it can be different for everyone, so I'd like us to elaborate on that a little to see if we are on the same page. Him: I guess just doing what we are doing. Going on dates and getting to know one another. Right now I have so much going on in my life, I don't want to rush into a commitment and make a mistake. I hope soon everything with be sorted out and things in my life will be simpler for me. But basically to do what we have been doing and getting to know each other and become even better friends. I definitely want to keep seeing you. Me:I'm fine with taking things slow and building a solid foundation, but I feel like I'm doing with the idea that you are a potential partner - not just a friend. I also think that if things are too drawn out things can fizzle and fade, even though there is a connection. So for me, it's just trying to find a balance. Him: I agree. I guess my wording wasn't the best. I'm sorry. I really think we are on the same page, I just wanted to make sure. I feel like we are saying the same thing. Friends wasn't the right word for me to use and I do see you as a potential partner. Have you two had a conversation about what you each want out of your dating journeys overall? Are you on the same page in terms of dating goals? Is he looking for a long-term partner or is he just dating casually without plans for marriage to anyone? . Yes, we have had that discussion before. We are both looking for a serious relationship that will hopefully lead to marriage. I do want to know if he brought it up because he thought I was "falling too hard" or something, but I really don't think I did anything that was too intense. I do like the idea of keeping things casual for the first 3 months. We will see how things go I guess. 1
smackie9 Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 I do want to know if he brought it up because he thought I was "falling too hard" or something, but I really don't think I did anything that was too intense. I do like the idea of keeping things casual for the first 3 months. We will see how things go I guess. You still need further discussion, you need to be asking the right questions like "What do you mean by making a mistake?" "What specifically?" and yes by all means ask him why he felt he needed to discuss it. IMO he's being vague, but not on purpose....just the way he communicates. Some people feel their message is clear, but we all know you are no mind reader nor is he. 2
preraph Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 No way of knowing what he's angling for, really. it could mean anything. But what I would do is just not let him put you into a casual FWB situation where you're having sex while he's still "moving slow" on the commitment end. Just in case. He's not ready to plunge into a relationship, so no reason you should be ready to plunge into sex with him. 2
Kamille Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Well... His question is valid. Are you happy with how the relationship is progressing so far? I think you did the right thing telling him what you want. And I would him answering that he regrets the wording and thinks you're on the same page as a positive. If you can, let this go and continue to enjoy getting to know him. 1
Author scv88 Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 No way of knowing what he's angling for, really. it could mean anything. But what I would do is just not let him put you into a casual FWB situation where you're having sex while he's still "moving slow" on the commitment end. Just in case. He's not ready to plunge into a relationship, so no reason you should be ready to plunge into sex with him. We haven't had sex and I won't without being official. I've done the FWB before and it doesn't work for me. I've always gotten hurt because I wanted and expected more. Never again. Good advice, thanks! 2
Author scv88 Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 You still need further discussion, you need to be asking the right questions like "What do you mean by making a mistake?" "What specifically?" and yes by all means ask him why he felt he needed to discuss it. IMO he's being vague, but not on purpose....just the way he communicates. Some people feel their message is clear, but we all know you are no mind reader nor is he. I agree. I didn't want to text about it. We are meeting for dinner tonight so I will feel him out in person and ask. Thanks. 1
Author scv88 Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 Well... His question is valid. Are you happy with how the relationship is progressing so far? I think you did the right thing telling him what you want. And I would him answering that he regrets the wording and thinks you're on the same page as a positive. If you can, let this go and continue to enjoy getting to know him. I'm very happy with how things are so far. It's only been a month and a half. He's not dating anyone else or getting to know anyone else and neither am I. That's good enough for right now and let's me know that he's serious about getting to know me. So hard to let it go.... I probably should though. I just want to know what he's afraid of. 2
Kamille Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 I'm very happy with how things are so far. It's only been a month and a half. He's not dating anyone else or getting to know anyone else and neither am I. That's good enough for right now and let's me know that he's serious about getting to know me. So hard to let it go.... I probably should though. I just want to know what he's afraid of. I would totally tell him the first paragraph you just wrote. To me it sounds like the only thing he's afraid of relationship-wise is messing up, rushing into something that's not right. I also read you as being on the same page at him: you like him but you want to make sure that if this relationship is right for you, one where you feel safe. It's a good place to be at this point, right? Focus on the positive. I read the whole convo as him caring about how you feel about the relationship, and that's a great thing. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 I agree. I didn't want to text about it. We are meeting for dinner tonight so I will feel him out in person and ask. Thanks. So how did the conversation go?
Gaeta Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 You and him keep on saying you are both happy with the way things are BUT then you both go on saying you'd like to see each other more. Then you are both saying you want to take things slow but it sounds like the pace of the relationship is imposed on you by your schedule, not by your will and if you didn't have this schedule in the way you'd see each other more and therefore NOT take things as slow. I don't know, it's like none of you speak up the truth here. 3
smackie9 Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 I think you should have been more honest with him...you are accepting the way things are going, BUT it's not making you happy...in fact you have a lot of questions, and you are uncertain about what is going on. Never hold back because you feel it will make him run away...if he is that afraid to talk about things, then he was never worth your time.
Author scv88 Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 You and him keep on saying you are both happy with the way things are BUT then you both go on saying you'd like to see each other more. Then you are both saying you want to take things slow but it sounds like the pace of the relationship is imposed on you by your schedule, not by your will and if you didn't have this schedule in the way you'd see each other more and therefore NOT take things as slow. I don't know, it's like none of you speak up the truth here. We may want to see each other more often than once a week, but I don't think that's rushing anything. Im not askinf for him to meet my friends and family, I'm not ready to jump into bed with him, and I'm not asking for a title. To me, that is slow.. we all have different ideas of slow, which is why I started the thread.
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