I feel heartbreak coming on...

[Amanda9]

I am a 32 year old woman and I met this amazing 33 year old man online. We texted daily and sometimes long into the night, talking about everything, and the conversation flowed so easily. We have many things in common, including the fact that both of our last relationships was a 10 year marriage and we have a child the same age. There is a mutual physical attraction as well because we've exchanged pictures. He told me how happy I made him and how he can't stop smiling and thinking about me and I feel the same way. He even had flowers delivered to my work. We do live about 1.5 hours apart but it's easy for us to visit.

 

 

We met for lunch last week on my way through his city and it went well. We talked for about 2 hours and at the end he walked me to my car and hugged me. He said he'll still come visit me in a couple weeks (something we had planned before the lunch).

 

 

However, since the lunch, the texts have slowed down considerably. He is now longer flirtatious in nature and keeps the conversation very casual. He was texting me a "goodnight sweetheart" and "good morning sweetheart" on a daily basis but I didn't get one last night or this morning. He says he feels a connection between us but wants to take it slow and "play it by ear" after he comes and sees me.

 

 

I have gone from being incredibly happy for the first time in a long time to this feeling of dread in my stomach and wanting to cry. My feelings for him are very strong - almost like falling in love - and I am afraid I am losing him. I don't know what to do but I want to do what I can to keep him around. I'm afraid if I pour my heart out to him that would scare him away for good since he wants to take it slow. Should I try to play cool until he comes to visit in a couple weeks and try to have a heart to heart then? (let him initiate the texts, keep it casual?) Or should I e-mail him right away before he friend zones me completely? I am having a really tough time and I can't get him off my mind. Even this morning it's taking all my willpower to resist texting him but again, I don't want to drive him away.

[d0nnivain]

This is what is wrong with virtual relationships. The reality is you had 1 date. All this other talking through the computer had made you believe this is more serious & you are more connected then you actually are. You built this up in your mind & now that he's cooled after meeting, you are hurting. I'm sorry you are upset but you have to get a grip on your emotions. Take everything else out of this. It was one lunch with some hugs. Judging on that alone, how invested are you? This guy didn't even kiss you goodbye. To me that screams not interested. Sorry.

I hope I'm wrong & that you are simply overthinking things. See what happens when he comes to your city.

[OatsAndHall]

This is what is wrong with virtual relationships. The reality is you had 1 date. All this other talking through the computer had made you believe this is more serious & you are more connected then you actually are. You built this up in your mind & now that he's cooled after meeting, you are hurting. I'm sorry you are upset but you have to get a grip on your emotions. Take everything else out of this. It was one lunch with some hugs. Judging on that alone, how invested are you? This guy didn't even kiss you goodbye. To me that screams not interested. Sorry.

I hope I'm wrong & that you are simply overthinking things. See what happens when he comes to your city.

 

This is dead-on. Meeting people via technological means is sketchy and it gives you a false sense of security. You add changes in texting/messaging routines and it makes things worse. I have been seeing a woman for about six weeks now and I we don't text much; we talk over the phone. And, we haven't added each other on social media as I know myself... I'd get anxious if I sent her a message, she didn't response and I saw she was very active on social media.

 

So, stop, take a couple deep breathes and recognize that you really don't know this guy very well. And, maybe you don't really want to get to know him if he is backing off on the messages so quickly. This is frustrating for me as I would much rather have a woman tell me that she wasn't interested versus gradually ghosting me.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry OP, it seems it didn't click for him upon meeting in person.

 

It hurts because I know you had higher expectations, but be cautious when online dating. You weren't falling in love with him; you hardly know him. Instead, I would venture to say you were falling in love with the idea that someone was thinking about and wanted you. Most of us have been guilty of the same at some point. The interactions you shared before meeting created a false sense of intimacy - this is why it's so critical not to take them too seriously until you have spent some time together in person.

 

This isn't to say you did something wrong. Sometimes we just don't feel a connection. Maybe he's been talking to someone else he felt a greater spark with. Hard to say. The important thing is not to let this bring you too much.

 

At the risk of sounding very superficial, were the pictures you sent him recent ones? Meaning, do you look more or less the same in person as you would have in the photos?

[BaileyB]

Very true. You have probably both built this up in your mind and gotten a little ahead of yourself...

 

This guy is an acquaintance at this point. Because you have texted with each other and shared some personal information, you feel like you know him and you have a relationship. Perhaps, he had built you up in his mind also and when you got together in real life, it was not what he was expecting. You just don't know right now. The only thing you can do is wait to see if he wants to see you again. But, spending time together every few weeks will not help you to develop this relationship.

 

Online dating is very different than dating in real life and you must set your expectations accordingly. I hope it works out for you though.

[Amanda9]

I'm sorry OP, it seems it didn't click for him upon meeting in person.

 

It hurts because I know you had higher expectations, but be cautious when online dating. You weren't falling in love with him; you hardly know him. Instead, I would venture to say you were falling in love with the idea that someone was thinking about and wanted you. Most of us have been guilty of the same at some point. The interactions you shared before meeting created a false sense of intimacy - this is why it's so critical not to take them too seriously until you have spent some time together in person.

 

This isn't to say you did something wrong. Sometimes we just don't feel a connection. Maybe he's been talking to someone else he felt a greater spark with. Hard to say. The important thing is not to let this bring you too much.

 

At the risk of sounding very superficial, were the pictures you sent him recent ones? Meaning, do you look more or less the same in person as you would have in the photos?

Thank you for your reply. Very well said. The pictures I sent him are all recent. Some were selfies I immediately sent to him. So there shouldn't have been any surprises there.

[Mkn1010]

Can I ask who ended the date? Two hours sounds like a good length of time for a first meet, generally speaking, however if you had been talking so much before, I almost feel like he would have wanted to extend the date longer if he was feeling it, in this particular scenario, ESPECIALLY as you live 1.5 hours away!

 

Did his body language on the date suggest interest? The hug at the end is rather dismissive, unless it was a lingering hug! Particularly because of how well you had gotten to know each other in advance!

 

Also, in the lead up, did you do frequent phone calls or just text messaging?

[mortensorchid]

Unfortunately this is how it is with an OLR. Know how many times I had been chatting with someone for days/weeks and then they go poof or ghost after we actually meet? I've lost count.

 

I think it's because you were excited about it and felt it went well, which I'm sure it did, but ... He's lost interest I'm afraid. Who knows why? Move on.

[Amanda9]

Can I ask who ended the date? Two hours sounds like a good length of time for a first meet, generally speaking, however if you had been talking so much before, I almost feel like he would have wanted to extend the date longer if he was feeling it, in this particular scenario, ESPECIALLY as you live 1.5 hours away!

 

Did his body language on the date suggest interest? The hug at the end is rather dismissive, unless it was a lingering hug! Particularly because of how well you had gotten to know each other in advance!

 

Also, in the lead up, did you do frequent phone calls or just text messaging?

We pretty much ended the date mutually because I was just on my way through and had somewhere I needed to get to. His body language seemed good. He smiled and laughed a lot and didn't take his eyes off mine. (I can't stop thinking about those eyes of his btw). For the hug he held me tight for about 5 seconds. Maybe he didn't kiss me because we were in a crowded parking lot I don't know. Shortly after the date he texted me to tell me to let me know when I got to my destination so he knows I made it safe. I have no complaints about the date. Our conversation leading up to it was only via text. I don't understand why he's ghosting me now. I wish he'd give us a chance. Should I say anything or is that pathetic?

[neowulf]

Our conversation leading up to it was only via text. I don't understand why he's ghosting me now. I wish he'd give us a chance. Should I say anything or is that pathetic?

 

I know rejection can sting, but please, please listen.

 

Do. Not. Chase. Men. Who. Don't. Want. You.

 

A man who wants you won't have to be "convinced", believe me. He'll chase you hard as he has too.

 

It's a huge world with a lot of people in it. Don't sell yourself short.

[GemmaUK]

I would suggest first off not to have too many expectations over OLD.

 

You both went in hard and heavy before even first meeting.

 

Constant texting is also something that most people will not be able to keep up on a consistent basis - much as people say it only takes two seconds - it actually does take more time than that to read, think of a witty/flirty reply and then write and send it.

 

It may be that he either wasn't interested when he met and your communication had been so heavy prior to that that he wanted to slow it and eventually ghost or he may just be telling you the truth - play it by ear, see how it goes.

 

Either way though just because you have communicated a lot prior to the meet it never means that things are a dead cert when you eventually do. Before you meet is only actually just a fantasy version of a real person.

 

Do as he is likely doing, date others, talk to others and take this guy down off the pedestal you have him on.

[Mkn1010]

I totally agree with GemmaUK! I've had this situation happen to me but I was the one not feeling it at the face-to-face meet. We texted for 1-2 weeks before meeting with outstanding 'text chemistry' (whatever that is) and I can honestly that it's absolutely no indication of real life chemistry for one or both parties!

 

Also, if there's going to be a delay in the date happening for whatever reason (long distance etc), now I will have a phone chat with them beforehand as this has honestly saved me a lot of wasted time in meeting with people I wasn't feeling it with. Even hearing how they talk/laugh/communicate on the spot during a call without time to pre-plan answers is a much better option than texting if you can't quickly meet in person.

 

Don't bother initiating contact at this point. If he reaches out to follow through with the next meet, just play it by ear with the knowledge that he appears to be backing out considerably. But if you can't do that and withdraw your own interest level to match his, cut it off for your own sake. Even if it's a pre-emotive strike, he'd be back if he really wants you!

[ExpatInItaly]

We pretty much ended the date mutually because I was just on my way through and had somewhere I needed to get to. His body language seemed good. He smiled and laughed a lot and didn't take his eyes off mine. (I can't stop thinking about those eyes of his btw). For the hug he held me tight for about 5 seconds. Maybe he didn't kiss me because we were in a crowded parking lot I don't know. Shortly after the date he texted me to tell me to let me know when I got to my destination so he knows I made it safe. I have no complaints about the date. Our conversation leading up to it was only via text. I don't understand why he's ghosting me now. I wish he'd give us a chance. Should I say anything or is that pathetic?

 

OP, have you considered the fact that maybe this guy is not right for you? For all you know he could be juggling multiple women, or be a weirdo who howls at the moon at night, or have a secret child out there somewhere. Perhaps it's not a horrible thing that he's fading.

 

I think you have an idea built up in your mind of who he is, but the reality is that you hardly know him at all. Let him show you who he is. You've become too attached to what you believe to be true, and he might be a good man, but the point is that you have no idea at this point if he is who he presents himself to be.

 

And no, don't bother asking him what happened yet. You met once. Let him come to you. If he doesn't, then you'll know it's not a match and you're better off not wasting your time with someone who's not feeling it.

[d0nnivain]

I though you were just communicating at a slower pace with less flirtation. Then in a later post you say he ghosted you? Which is it -- slower or not at all?

 

 

If it's only slower, do very little. I get you are disappointed that the initial full court press isn't continuing but if you mention it, he may think you are whiney or clingy.

 

 

If he is completely gone silent, not responsive you can try one last time but that's ONE TIME -- no bombarding him text after text like some needy person who has no boundaries.

[Chilli]

lf it was me that would all be because although sure l liked you and respected you but l just didn't quite feel it in person at the 2 hours lunch. And so from a relationship point of view l'm having doubts.

It's probably still worth meeting up again though just to be sure , could be different next time so if he does want to l'd give it a go but try not tp get your hopes up.

Good luck.

[Amanda9]

I would suggest first off not to have too many expectations over OLD.

 

You both went in hard and heavy before even first meeting.

 

Constant texting is also something that most people will not be able to keep up on a consistent basis - much as people say it only takes two seconds - it actually does take more time than that to read, think of a witty/flirty reply and then write and send it.

 

It may be that he either wasn't interested when he met and your communication had been so heavy prior to that that he wanted to slow it and eventually ghost or he may just be telling you the truth - play it by ear, see how it goes.

 

Either way though just because you have communicated a lot prior to the meet it never means that things are a dead cert when you eventually do. Before you meet is only actually just a fantasy version of a real person.

 

Do as he is likely doing, date others, talk to others and take this guy down off the pedestal you have him on.

 

 

Thanks for your response. You are right that we both went in hard and heavy before meeting. One night we texted for 5 hours and I've never experienced something like that before - talking so long and opening up and sharing things like that. The constant smiling. The feeling of a powerful and intimate connection. Maybe it was mostly fantasy but he is still a real person so there had to have been some truth to it. I wish I knew how to just forget him and take him off the pedestal but I am having a hard time letting go of the happiness he made me feel. All I feel is sad now.

[Amanda9]

I totally agree with GemmaUK! I've had this situation happen to me but I was the one not feeling it at the face-to-face meet. We texted for 1-2 weeks before meeting with outstanding 'text chemistry' (whatever that is) and I can honestly that it's absolutely no indication of real life chemistry for one or both parties!

 

Also, if there's going to be a delay in the date happening for whatever reason (long distance etc), now I will have a phone chat with them beforehand as this has honestly saved me a lot of wasted time in meeting with people I wasn't feeling it with. Even hearing how they talk/laugh/communicate on the spot during a call without time to pre-plan answers is a much better option than texting if you can't quickly meet in person.

 

Don't bother initiating contact at this point. If he reaches out to follow through with the next meet, just play it by ear with the knowledge that he appears to be backing out considerably. But if you can't do that and withdraw your own interest level to match his, cut it off for your own sake. Even if it's a pre-emotive strike, he'd be back if he really wants you!

 

So do you think it's best not to contact him at all then? Not even a text to say "hi"? I can try to do that and like you said if he really still want to visit me like originally planned, he can bring it up. If he does, then maybe that means I have a chance still.

[Amanda9]

I though you were just communicating at a slower pace with less flirtation. Then in a later post you say he ghosted you? Which is it -- slower or not at all?

 

 

If it's only slower, do very little. I get you are disappointed that the initial full court press isn't continuing but if you mention it, he may think you are whiney or clingy.

 

 

If he is completely gone silent, not responsive you can try one last time but that's ONE TIME -- no bombarding him text after text like some needy person who has no boundaries.

 

 

Well it we were still texting a couple times throughout the day but now I haven't heard from him since Friday. I know he had plans this weekend so I told myself it's because he's busy but now I'm not so sure. Either way, I'll wait for him to text me first so I don't seem clingy.

[OatsAndHall]

Unfortunately this is how it is with an OLR. Know how many times I had been chatting with someone for days/weeks and then they go poof or ghost after we actually meet? I've lost count.

 

I think it's because you were excited about it and felt it went well, which I'm sure it did, but ... He's lost interest I'm afraid. Who knows why? Move on.

 

I chatted with a woman that lived an hour away from me for several weeks. We met via OLD, added each other on FB, chatted some more, and then agreed to have a phone conversation and establish a date.

 

That night, she doesn't call me. I wait a little bit and decide to text her and ask if she's alright. I don't get a response. So, I hop on FB to check her page and see if something happened to her as I was concerned. She blocked me. I then got on the OLD app and she had me blocked there too.

 

My final message before this crap was "I'm looking forward to chatting tonight, have a good day!".

 

So, this is why I don't do internet pen pals.

[Mkn1010]

Honestly, you can accept the situation as it is OR if you need something more clear cut/an answer of some sort, you could try giving him a ring (NOT TEXT). But expect full well that he likely won't answer the call.

 

 

But, I personally, am no good at just accepting the fade out so I would try calling because I'd want to know straight away so I can start moving on. I also appreciate open communication and so I try to give it myself and just put myself out there and confidently ask someone for their honesty. There's no shame in that. Cut the games, we're adults. But please do not do this by text.

[Chilli]

I chatted with a woman that lived an hour away from me for several weeks. We met via OLD, added each other on FB, chatted some more, and then agreed to have a phone conversation and establish a date.

 

That night, she doesn't call me. I wait a little bit and decide to text her and ask if she's alright. I don't get a response. So, I hop on FB to check her page and see if something happened to her as I was concerned. She blocked me. I then got on the OLD app and she had me blocked there too.

 

My final message before this crap was "I'm looking forward to chatting tonight, have a good day!".

 

So, this is why I don't do internet pen pals.

 

 

Bloody hell , so weird all this sh@t that happens isn't it.

l sort of accidentally wound up talking with somebody after splitting with my gf and coincidentally was very attracted to her. Even though it actually started off about my gf , she was actually helping me out about the gf stuff.

Lovely lady and we eventually started admitting we were attracted and talked about calling, she said she was exited and asked a few times as l did and was too while we were trying to find a good time for us both.

Suddenly - like the very next day, poofff,, gone in a puff of smoke, l even think she's blocked me.

 

l'm suspecting reality struck and she was worried l was just rebounding . Or maybe in trying to be good to me about the gf sitch, it maybe went a little bit into territory she didn't intend.

Wish she would have just explained though, or not gone with wanting to call and being exited and stuff.

[Mkn1010]

Oh and who gives a hoot about not seeming 'clingy'..... He didn't mind your 'clinginess' or the constant texting dynamic pre the date!

 

 

Playing it cool in this sitch is not going to make you anymore or less likely to turn this situation around. So do what feels right FOR YOU and what YOU need to feel comfortable (because you're clearly an anxious mess right now) and you need to take some decisive action in my opinion.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, let's say you do text him to say hi, and he responds like normal and as though he hadn't gone silent the past several days.

 

Then what?

[Amanda9]

OP, let's say you do text him to say hi, and he responds like normal and as though he hadn't gone silent the past several days.

 

Then what?

He texted me last night finally. We kept it casual talking about our weekends. Then we got to talking more about our "relationship". He said he likes me and has nothing against me but the distance bothers him. (An excuse, I dunno). So I somewhat wore my heart on my sleeve and told him how much I feel about him. I asked him to give me one more proper date and if he's still not feeling it after we can part ways. He agreed to that and said if it doesn't work out he wants to remain friends. (Ouch..I think I've already been mostly friend zoned). But maybe the date will go well so I better plan something amazing lol. He sent me a good morning text this morning too, by the way. But no "sweetheart".

[ExpatInItaly]

He texted me last night finally. We kept it casual talking about our weekends. Then we got to talking more about our "relationship". He said he likes me and has nothing against me but the distance bothers him. (An excuse, I dunno). So I somewhat wore my heart on my sleeve and told him how much I feel about him. I asked him to give me one more proper date and if he's still not feeling it after we can part ways. He agreed to that and said if it doesn't work out he wants to remain friends. (Ouch..I think I've already been mostly friend zoned). But maybe the date will go well so I better plan something amazing lol. He sent me a good morning text this morning too, by the way. But no "sweetheart".

 

Girl, no.

 

If he's not asking you out on his own accord, it's not worth it. You should never need to ask a guy to take you out.