Healergirl1 Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 Ok. I know there are precursers to this feeling so weird for me. I am older (56), was married for a long time, and then a short time (big mistake) and now am looking to get back out there. Since I have started online dating to meet men, I have learned the following: Don't show emotions, Don't have a family life that might involve spending time with them, Don't date recovering alcoholics, Don't go for men who fall in love too quickly, Don't -well this was a good thing -allow sex too early in relationship, and I just want to find some "do's". Do any of you have anything that actually works? I just want to find a friend first-is that wrong? I want to do a little texting first-to get to know them before I find myself caring too quickly-which I do. I know myself well. I have a good career path, I have independence, and good health-taking care of myself -so what gives.??? Just wondering and wanting some positive advice and feedback. Thanks.
mikeylo Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 It's difficult because people are complicated. You have to find someone who fits your needs and wants. And that aren't easy. Sometimes people try to make something work that just can't work while sometimes people meet out of the blue and fit like a glove. It's being at the right place , at the right time. 2
avvril3000 Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 Do, write down a list of traits you need from a man, and then also what you want from a man. Write down what your realistic ideal man is. It's amazing the power of writing something down so you can visualize it and manifest it into your life. It makes it clear when the next guy you meet or talk to, doesn't meet what you're looking for. Eventually you will find a man who will match most of what you have written down and you guys will click. It worked for me a few times. Altho my taste in men has changed over time and the man i was looking for when i was 19 is way different from the man i wanted at 30, i wrote it down, i visualized it and eventually i met him. 1
smackie9 Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 Your best bet is to go out on mini dates...like coffee meet ups that last for about an hour. You learn way more about someone in person, rather than from texting. You can tell a lot from what shoes they wear lol You are on the right track with having a check list of expectations/dealbreakers. Just remember to stick with them...don't bend for no one to make something work. **Isn't that what dating is about? getting to know someone, feeling them out to see they have any potential? You have to kick a lot of tires to find the right one. Just be vigilant. 1
salparadise Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 I just want to find a friend first-is that wrong? I want to do a little texting first-to get to know them before I find myself caring too quickly-which I do. No self-respecting man is going to play along with the "friends first" thing. That doesn't mean you have to jump in the sack on the first or second date, but dating is dating and the objective to find someone with whom you have chemistry and attraction to begin a romantic relationship. When you say friends first, what you're really saying is that you want them to woo and pursue while you hold them at arm's length and remain noncommittal, feign demure, however you want to characterize it. It's a one-way deal, and what usually happens is that the woman uses him as a placeholder until she finds someone else she's hot for, or she tells the guy, sorry, I really like you but just don't think of you in that way... can't we just be friends. It's dead end, a fool's game. What I hear you saying the post is that you want to modify the process such that you achieve quick success... meaning no pain, no risk, meet the perfect guy who is automatically enthralled with you, complete with a happily ever after guarantee. It doesn't happen that way. You have to meet a lot of people to find the spark plus compatibility, have the courage to be vulnerable, be willing to love an imperfect person, and still you risk getting your heart broken every damn time. Nothing about it is easy. There are not shortcuts. 5
d0nnivain Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 Do be true to yourself & follow your gut. Do have fun. Do use OLD as a single but not the only tool. Do understand a date is like an interview / audition. It's the process by which you get to know somebody. Avoid saying you want to be friends first. You actually don't. What you want is to get to know somebody before having sex or settling down. Do recognize dating can be expensive so explore creative options that cost less than traditional dinner & drinks 4
act00 Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 I have NO IDEA. I'm not sure what you mean by not showing emotion. It's okay to express you like this person, and it's okay to express you had a lousy day. You may not elaborate and remain vague, but you're human, not a robot, and emotions are just part of being human. Certainly you don't want to plop all your life woes on some stranger's lap, but life has fun things and sh*tty things, and you should be able to talk about it. You mention your family life and spending time with them, and I'm assuming you have a job, so I question if you have time for a man or dating. Do you have availability? Are you so busy, you're sandwiching him in some time in the next two weeks, maybe, if you have the time? If you're ready to date, you also need to be ready to invest the time to date and even prioritize the date. You have to have the time to grow a relationship. You can't expect a guy to sit in the shadows until you find the time to see him...eventually...or text for who knows how long before you're ready to take the plunge. Personally, I'd rather meet sooner over later. Rip off the Band-Aid. I've done the perpetual texting. If they're not interested in meeting as soon as feasible, I have no desire to continue the conversation. I'm a girl, 47. However, you have a life, and if a man is putting pressure on you to drop your life and priorities, so he gets 100% of your time? Sorry, no. Everything applies to the man as well. If he's unavailable, move on. If he demands more than you can give? Move on. Just be realistic. You will run into many, many frogs. There are no rules, really, just finding someone you mesh with. I met someone and I'm really happy, but it's hard, as his time and availability are less than mine. I'm the one waiting. He's a keeper, but his children are a bit younger than mine and require more care and involvement. It's hard, as I don't want to be a burden on his free time and an obligation, so I don't push and am being patient, but at the same time, I'm expecting more, but this takes time...your man has to be willing to accept your restrictions, but you have to be willing to make the time, and not a lot at first, but as you know him, you will express your feelings (those dreaded emotions) and incorporate him more with your family and friend life, so you can see him more, and you know your family will love him, and he them...some of this is just time and patience. Is he worth it? Yes or no? 3
OatsAndHall Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 You will have a difficult time dating if you tell a man that you are "looking for friends first". There is nothing wrong with this but many of us are looking for a relationship (EMPHASIS: relationship, not sex) so dating someone who may just end up "friend zoning" us isn't a pleasant thought. It sounds like you have your ducks in a row when it comes to deal-breakers and red-flags. But, I would suggest that you use OLD as a tool for making first contact with someone. Message them, chat for a day or two and then plan a date. Meet them for coffee and see where it goes. 3
Kamille Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 My dos: Do show emotions. I don't understand why you think you shouldn't. Could it be because you get attached too quickly? My experience has been that my dates love knowing I'm into them. Do have fun on dates, especially the first date. Keep serious "relationship" conversation (or interview or audition) for after the first date ). The first date is about figuring out if you click, share a sense of humour, etc. Ideally, you let him lead the "relationship" conversations. Do mirror their level of interest. (Don't get ahead of yourself). As others have said, do consider OLD as only a way to meet more singles, nothing more, nothing less. While on the OLD site: Do chat only a few men at a time. I've figured out 3 men is the most I can chat with at one time. Do chat more than one man at a time, however, until such a time when you both agree to be exclusive. Do end things the minute you know the guy isn't right for you. Recruit another. Do have a life outside of dating. See friends and family. Take time for yourself. 2
greymatter Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 Ok. I know there are precursers to this feeling so weird for me. I am older (56), was married for a long time, and then a short time (big mistake) and now am looking to get back out there. Since I have started online dating to meet men, I have learned the following: Don't show emotions, Don't have a family life that might involve spending time with them, Don't date recovering alcoholics, Don't go for men who fall in love too quickly, Don't -well this was a good thing -allow sex too early in relationship, and I just want to find some "do's". Do any of you have anything that actually works? I just want to find a friend first-is that wrong? I want to do a little texting first-to get to know them before I find myself caring too quickly-which I do. I know myself well. I have a good career path, I have independence, and good health-taking care of myself -so what gives.??? Just wondering and wanting some positive advice and feedback. Thanks. I know what you are saying, however, I think you don't have to operate under all of the "don'ts." Be true to you/yourself, and make the rules fit your needs. If dates don't work out, it's because a relationship would not be right with that person, as hard as that is sometimes. I show emotion (with moderation). I try to be direct. If I like someone, I will gradually let them know in a way that feels natural, and not pretend that I don't. They may like me back (or not). If someone likes me, I'm happy if they show it and I don't have to wonder. It is best when this happens naturally but sometimes it needs to be communicated, something I'm learning being recently back to being single and dating. I've also found reading everyone's stories really helpful in terms of dialing back my expectations, being aware that my pace and others' may be very different, and trying to roll with things more. As the poster above said, some of it is timing (a lot of it) and keeping an open heart, if you can. I have broken some of the "don't" rules and am not sorry. I was recently really disappointed by someone who I really liked, and he didn't want to continue dating me (after two dates). He had come on very strongly and then did a 180. I'm learning here on this board that it happens a LOT. But you know what? I had two dates this weekend and had a wonderful time with both men...and am almost glad the other thing didn't work out because with perspective I can see either of these other two men are a better fit for me in many ways. I guess what I'm saying is to keep trying, if you are up for it, and try to think of it as time to be out and about, and have fun getting to know new men.
coolheadal Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 Ok. I know there are precursers to this feeling so weird for me. I am older (56), was married for a long time, and then a short time (big mistake) and now am looking to get back out there. Since I have started online dating to meet men, I have learned the following: Don't show emotions, Don't have a family life that might involve spending time with them, Don't date recovering alcoholics, Don't go for men who fall in love too quickly, Don't -well this was a good thing -allow sex too early in relationship, and I just want to find some "do's". Do any of you have anything that actually works? I just want to find a friend first-is that wrong? I want to do a little texting first-to get to know them before I find myself caring too quickly-which I do. I know myself well. I have a good career path, I have independence, and good health-taking care of myself -so what gives.??? Just wondering and wanting some positive advice and feedback. Thanks. See what I run into on online dating from woman with all sorts of mental issues. You have that with the men you are coming in contact with and those are the worst ones. I am best one out there but woman want the worst one out there or none at all. I had spent most of mother's day trying to convince women on one of the dating sites to chit chat with me. I got two women to stop reading and text to me. I see my profile questions were broken that's why I seem to get the wrong type of women. But now fix and remove the account and to restart from scratch. My point is that both men and women online are going to be a lot different, they want things they're not going to find. They play games of love and roulette. You want to start off as friends, but no one wants that you see everything is now or never. Relationship (casual sex, short or long term.) That's the game play today. Most of these men are looking for hook-ups or just to be with you. Your independent got a career but you don't have a relationship. Now you see it's not that easy to get a date. Just give it time weed out all the bad one and look for the right guy. Takes time and don't rush it. That's my advice. I have notice that a lot are now lying about their ages. So your 56 you can say your 46, some have gone to say they're 36. They tell me why because they do not want men in their 70s contacting them. I bet it has more to do with they don't feel they're true age. Trying to get something else. You have to deal with what's out there at a certain age most have kids which should be grown some had kids in their 40's so they have 5 year old running around at age 50. Dating them with kids you'll feel unwanted to learn that the kid comes first you and you come third place. Get's really messy too. Some men like women are still married (they want they cake and pie) Swingers too those that are with someone and yet want to be with you. Just have to watch it today..
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 1. Do your best to enjoy the company w/o compromising yourself. 2. Do remember to keep your emotions in check so that it doesn't get the better of you, but also please don't shut it off. 3. Do you remember that you have to be at your best as finding the next best thing is SO much easier now days (I think this is one of the primary, if not the primary reason why dating is so much more difficult today) 4. Do be ready to have a relationship. It's not fair to the other person if there is something that keeps you from investing 5. If you're truly interested in someone, show it, don't play games 6. Don't think there's anything wrong with you, provided you've cleared 1-5, it's the other person 1
Popsicle Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 The only rule I follow is to follow my feelings. I don't follow any arbitrary rules, or do's or don't's, I just do what I feel compelled to do. It's fun that way, even if it's temporary, and a fun experience is better than nothing. 1
todreaminblue Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 i normally tell a guy i want to get to know you better by that i mean as mroe than a friend but friendship is a place to start...where sex is out.....thats basically what i mean by friendship..not a sexual relationship i do try to have fun on dates make them light hearted and easy for the guy but the drving force behind me dating is a view to permanancy.....and it is an interview process.....i am getting to know them better..... i do expect respect and i give it..... i do not have high expectations and i do not put pressure on me or them....and my dates are nromally what i want them to be ...fun and easy enough.....deb
salparadise Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 i normally tell a guy i want to get to know you better by that i mean as mroe than a friend but friendship is a place to start...where sex is out.....thats basically what i mean by friendship..not a sexual relationship Wondering how that's working for ya, Deb? Do you find that most men are willing to remain celibate while dating for some unspecified length of time until you're ready? And how long do you typically expect them to wait? I'm sure it's been said a few hundred times in other threads, but as an mature adult man, it just isn't rational for me to spend a lot of time, emotion and resources to date someone with the "maybe someday" mentality. Sex is a fundamental need, and a primary reason to be dating at all... assuaging loneliness and supplementing someone's diet with haute cuisine comprises perhaps only twenty percent of the motivation. I want to know pretty soon whether or not we're going to be compatible and if there's likely to be parity in terms of desire for an active, fulfilling sex life. I'm trying to imagine the kind of sparkling personality and endearing, fibonacci facial features it would take to make me set all of that aside and be all in with the celibacy thing for however many months... I don't know that such a person even exists. Now I get that it's smart for women not to have sex too soon, as in before getting to know a guy at all, but realistically it takes a lot longer to substantially know someone than the time that most men (or women, for that matter) are going to be willing to wait, esp. for mature people past a certain age. On OKC, there is a question "Say you've started seeing someone you really like. As far as you're concerned, how long will it take before you have sex?" The choices are a) 1-2 dates, b) 3-5 dates, and c) 6 or more. I jokingly commented that anyone who answered six or more, should be a really good cook. For women who expect to be friends first, "until you get to know someone," what does that actually mean, how long does it take for you to get to know a person, and do you really believe that a man should be so "into you" that he's willing to do the celibacy thing as long as it takes? I'd just like to hear it fully explained. 1
mortensorchid Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 It's hard because people are complicated things. Everyone makes good and bad choices in their lives and in this arena they can and will make a lot of them. It's what it is. I feel like I am just treading water in life now. I never meet anyone in work or personal settings. At least, no one who would be interested in anything other than a superficial "hi how are you" chit chat session. I hope against hope that someday, somehow it can and will happen when it's happened to so many others around me (and seen so many crash and burn). Just keep moving forward ...
Author Healergirl1 Posted May 28, 2017 Author Posted May 28, 2017 Thank you all for responding. As for the sex thing. 90 days. Is my standard. I think for the friends argument., at least for me at this stage of the game, I want to take the time to get to know someone's personality before I just jump in-Maybe I am retarded at this or slow, but I don't know what I should have known about someone before it's too late. I am a feeler, and I can't help but care for someone very early in the relationship, but I see that as a good thing. So thank you for your good solid strong advice. I will keep it in consideration.
greymatter Posted May 28, 2017 Posted May 28, 2017 Personally I can't imagine waiting 90 days. The way I feel currently is I absolutely need to be exclusive with someone before having sex, but it could happen really soon if things seemed right.
Juha Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 My dear Healergirl. I know dating is very hard but when adults start dating and may get involved and be exclusive. I see no adult male who is going to wait 90+ days to be intimate. You want to get to know someone, that's what dating is about. It sounds like you may be afraid to get close to someone. Seem very rigid when it comes to dating, trusting men. I believe how you want to date is not realistic. I apologize if I hurt your feelings, just being very honest. You may find yourself very disappointed with the rules you have for dating. I wish you the best of luck
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