Jalor Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 I guess this post could be applicable in several sub sections but hopefully I will get the most advice here. Background:- The girl involved is my cousin's best friend, 7 years younger (I'm 29, she's 22), and has had a crush on me for a little while. She lives in Paris, I live in London. She had a bf for 5 years and broke up with him 3 years ago, She dated 1 other guy for a few months but aside from that has stayed single and doesn't really date at all. She is a girl who gets a lot of male attention but doesn't seek it, she's family oriented, self assured (not a giggly young girl who seeks attention/texts all the time etc etc). She is a student at university. Interaction up until now:- Saw her 1 year ago at an event where she was with my cousin, flirted a little. Saw her in Paris when I was seeing my cousin (she came along knowing I would be there). 6 months ago, I invited my cousin to London and she came along and stayed at my place for 5 days. During this time, I realised i was interested in her but nothing happened (as my cousin was there). 3 months ago, went to Paris and went clubbing with her and my cousin and some of my friends. Ended up getting quite drunk and kissed her for 10/15 mins. Earlier in the night, I'd asked when she was coming to visit me in London, she replied "whenever you want". This got me thinking and I invited her to London. She came to London for 4 days and it was perfect. We slept together and had a great time. We then organised for me to go and see her 3 weeks later. During the time apart, we texted and sent snapchats every 2 or 3 days. Even though everything had gone perfectly up until now, my natural anxiety made me reluctant to believe this was the case. When I arrived at hers a few weeks later, we also had a great 4 days. By this point I was really starting to feel attached. We planned to see each other 3 weeks later when I had already organised to go to Paris for work. Again, contact during this 3 weeks was a few texts and snapchats every 2/3 days. Fast forward 3 weeks and we spent the best 3 days yet together, she seemed very attached saying she had missed me (she is usually very reserved about letting her emotions out) and that she didn't want me to leave, she had started taking the pill a couple of weeks before in preparation for my arrival and during the whole time we were together everything else seemed to fall into insignificance, it was the perfect 3 days. She asked whether I was seeing anyone else and seemed a little apprehensive about interest from other girls. I reassured her that I wasn't interested in anyone else. She confided in me that I am only the 2nd person that she has slept with after her long term boyfriend and that she trusts me. We planned to go away together in 5 weeks time after her exams (her exams start in 3 days and go on until 8th June). To my surprise she said that she didn't want to wait that long and that there were 10 days during the exam period without an exam so she could come over for a couple of days at the start of that period (next Friday) so we booked that in in addition to the holiday. I then came back to London and contact slightly grew to a few texts every day/2 days. Where we are now:- For some reason, even though there has been pretty much no reason to feel insecure about the relationship, my natural personality leads me to always have that point of view. My reasons for insecurity are as follows:- 1) Last week, she was sending little photos every other day until Sunday where we texted a few times on snapchat around 11pm/midnight. My last text I sent to her around midnight and she didn't open it until 02:15am (I only saw this the next day when I went to send her a msg and saw that the last msg hadn't been opened until that time. I wasn't expecting a reply to that message but I did find it weird that we were having a conversation and that she didn't open the last message until 2 hours after I had sent it). I know this sounds a little crazy but my anxiety and overly analytical nature doesn't see a logical process as to why she wouldn't b able or interested to open my message until 2 hours later, what was she doing at this time? 2) On wednesday, I was told that I needed a tonsillectomy and that the only date they had available was the 25th May (the day before she was supposed to come). I sent her a message telling her that I was going to be in significant pain and would be bed ridden when she arrives. I said I know it's a long shot seeing as her exams start on tuesday and she is revising but that I could get her a ticket for this weekend (today until tomorrow). Her reply was as follows:- "Ah great that you can get this operation done so early, you can finally get rid of your throat issues!! (she knows about my recurrent throat problems), I won't be able to come this weekend as I have way too much revision to do. It doesn't bother me at all to come next weekend even if we won't be able to do anything. But it's up to you, if you don't want anyone around because of the pain and especially because you will need rest, I understand. We'll be seeing each other 10 days after anyway!" Again, I know this sounds like a perfectly reasonable and thoughtful response but all i can focus on is the last 2 lines making me think she doesn't mind not seeing me. I will be going home to stay with my parents during this time and apparently won't be able to talk for a few days so I said to her it's not worth her coming when I'm in that state. 3) She sent me a message last night saying "are you sure it isn't risky to take the plane 2 weeks after your operation? I know there are operations where they advise you to wait a certain length of time" Again, this is probably her just being caring but all I think is that she may be trying to get out of going somewhere with me and I my brain links it to her possibly seeing another guy on the Monday where she didn't open my text for 2 hours. Even writing this, I am aware that it sounds pretty crazy and I have at no point let on to her that I feel any of this but it does play on my mind throughout the day. Every little thing that isn't perfect makes me worried and insecure. I have never really felt this way. It also bothers me that I'm now not going to see her for another 2.5/3 weeks and that I will probably be in weak condition when I finally do see her. Basically, I would like to know what you guys think of my worries and if you think i'm being ridiculous, how to snap out of this way of thinking and over analysing.
Author Jalor Posted May 20, 2017 Author Posted May 20, 2017 I know it's a long post but any advice would be much appreciated
ExpatInItaly Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 I think you're really over-analyzing and getting worked up for no reason. So what if she doesn't open a message until 2? Maybe she was studying, maybe she'd fallen alseep and got up to get some water and checked her phone, maybe she was watching some late-night TV and checked her messages before going to bed. You would be best to figure out why you're alreadylooking for signs that something is wrong. Have you had bad past experiences? Has your cousin hinted that maybe she's not the right girl for you? Do you feel you're not interesting or attractive enough to maintain her interest? Try to identify what's causing this insecure feeling. Sit back, chill and observe. This is the phase when you're still getting to know each other. You will slowly learn more about her and how she approaches dating, and you'll also need to evaluate if you're cut out for LDR.
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