Help Please!

[ww]

Ok here we go.

for those who don`t know my story very short: I`ve been with MM, we broke up,(he did ) than we played yo-yo yes and no for a while. Than I`ve told him to f*** off and got married and so on.

 

Ok so here goes my problem.

I am over him. I don`t miss him and I don`t want him back no way.

But from time to time i think of him and I get really MAD. Want to deal with this anger within me. How do I get over this anger? why is this happening if I got over him long ago and I don`t love him anymore.

It is a sort of very big anger it makes me want to go there and spit in his face, kick him, kill him ...whatever.

Hell

thx

[EnigmaXOXO]

You know, WW. As long as your anger isn't consuming your life, occupying every waking moment, and interfering with your new relationship…then holding on to some memory of those more painful situations isn't all that bad. After all, if we'd ever completely forget those hard lessons from our past we might be more apt to repeat them over and over again.

 

I don't think relationship 'amnesia' is very beneficial in helping us socially and emotionally evolve as individuals. It's more how you process and handle the anger and pain.

 

I don't know about you…but I don't ever want to be "stuck" in one place for the rest of my life unless it's a happy one! That's why I always say: you "file it" and move on.

 

I suppose in those quiet moments of reflection we all have a tendency to recycle painful moments without really understanding why. But in doing that, it sometimes helps to use it as a means to take inventory of what you have now and how far you've come. My partner says that 'reflection' helps him to better appreciate what he has achieved rather than taking those positive aspects of his life for granted. It keeps him from getting lazy and ambivalent towards those who have earned his love, trust and respect.

 

I think his philosophy makes perfect sense (especially for a GUY) and I can't help but to agree. There are times when I would like to strangle all those gals who stomped on his heart and left him emotionally scared. But the other part of me wants to "thank" them for being jerkettes and making this ordinary gal seem a whole lot better in comparison!

 

So…instead of fantasizing about that b*tch-slap to the face…thank his memory for the hard, but painful kick-in-the-ayas that crushed your rose-colored glasses and shocked you out of your naivety. After all, only a healthy dose of jerks like this could make you better appreciate the relationship you have now. And I'm willing to bet you're wise enough now to never get "stuck" with a loser like that again.

[izzybelle]

ww,

 

i don't know that i have any great answers to that, but i've been experiencing some of the same things from time to time. it's been about a year since things ended and my thoughts don't turn to hiim that often, and sometimes i just wonder how he's doing and other times i'd like to smack him so hard he'd be breathing out of his butt.....

 

for me, part of that is my misplacing of my own anger at my stupidity for getting involved with him, blaming him somehow for "convincing" me to get involved. and i know i was willing, but he was really good at pulling me in. sometimes i blame him for what he's done to me emotionally ... the fact that the pain that was created from the relationship did a significant amount of damage that i'm still dealing with from time to time. and other times, i find myself being angry with him because the guy i'm sort of seeing is soooo nice! i'm sure that doesn't make much sense ... i guess the best way to explain it is that this SG is really genuine and honest and it's made me realize that MM was just a real a$$ and it pi$$es me off that there are guys out there who are willing to do what they do and not give a rat's a$$ who gets hurt in the process.

 

but most of the time, i just end up laughing at myself for wanting to smack him because what he does and who he does it with is not my problem. i may have lost a lot of respect for myself throughout the ordeal, but i lost all of my respect for him.

[newbby]

i think it's true that it is part comparison with the new guy.

i lived in a place for a long time where i was treated really badly by alot of people to the point that i broke down, when i moved away, i found myself surrounded by nice people and it was then that i got really mad at how i was treated before, because it made me realise how uncalled for the whole thing was.

it is also possibly a case of, when we are actually in a bad situation we kind of mentally and emotionally shut down, it is only once you can relax that all the symptoms from that begin coming out. like having a breakdown, when you are actually having one, you dont feel it, but afterwards you are depressed and in pain.

it is the same if you have prolonged stress and only once you come out of it you realise that you have heart palpitations etc...

it is good because it is a part of the process of dealing with it and working through it, and it means that you feel safe enough and strong enough to deal with it now.

[ww]

any advice how can I handle this anger ?

and overcome it?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Forgive yourself.

 

Even though you don't realize it yet...that's what it really all boils down to, WW.

[izzybelle]

Enigma's right, you do need to forgive yourself. even though we may accept our part in the whole thing and blame ourselves, forgiving ourselves is a difficult part. whether it's forgiving ourselves for being involved in a situation that potentially, or did, hurt someone else, or it's forgiving ourselves for our part in causing ourselves intense pain, i've found that i've needed to come to terms with all of that.

 

i have written many venting letters, that i never sent, blasting him for being an a'hole. for using me, for leading me on, for the lies, etc. in those letters, i've placed all the blame on him. not that i think that's the case, but it helped me to get all of it out. i know i still have a ways to go with it all, but i know i'm healing and that the anger is part of it all.

 

it will in time, for all of us, go away, i have faith in that. i think the challenge for me, and i hope not for you, is how it had the potential for impacting current relationships. i was so hung up on not getting hurt again, and pushing for an honest relationship that i felt myself questioning everything... every motive, every word, every action .... and pushing people away.

 

even last night i had a momentary break down with the SG i've been seeing. we are both subscribers to a dating service even though neither of us are active in it any more ... and last night when i went in to delete some messages i noticed that it indicated that he'd been logged in. i think it was just a glitch in the system and/or something that wasn't a big deal, but for about 15 min. i totally lost it ... the anger all came back, the fear, the feelings of betrayal, the whole thing. luckily i couldn't get in touch with him and by the time i talked to him last night i had become a whole lot more rational and could have a controlled and not emotional conversation with him about the whole thing. so i know that the anger from the betrayal, and my stupidity, is still very much there, not as much as it was, but this was a definite sign to me that i still have that crap to deal with. SGs wife cheated on him and i know he's dealing with similar stuff and it helps to know that he understands, on some level, where my insecurities in all of that come from.

 

you have someone who obviously loves you very much. cherish that, nurture that, and let that help to heal you. to help you realize that there are men out there who will love us for ourselves and not just for the thrill, the ego boost, or the sex. realize that you respect yourself enough to know and accept that love as something you deserve. to know that you can give yourself and all of your love to someone who freely (in every sense of the word) can return that love to you. hold onto that, look in his eyes and realize that what you've been through has helped to make you who you are now ... and that he's accepted that and that that person with all the faults and baggage is the person he loves.

 

izzy