Jump to content
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

Here is what I have seen through my observation at age 46.

 

Couple A. Meet/Date/No Sex/No Cohab. Get Married in year 3 to 5.

 

Couple B. Meet/Date/Have SexNo Bio Kids/No No Cohab. Marry In year 3 to 5.

 

Couple C Meet/Date/Have Sex/Have Bio Kids/No Cohab by year 3.

 

Couple D Same as above but get married by year 3.

 

In my view. Couple A/B are the strongest match. They won't break up. With Couple A being the stronger match of the two.

 

Couple C/D are destnined to break up. So if all are morphing into LTR. Why does the Sex/Cohab factor make or break a couple. What is its about not having sex/cohabing that increases a couples longevity.

 

Every Cohab couple except for one. They are the ones that have problems. Even if the marry after. To the point where they will break up or get separated.

 

Please chime in if you can. For me right now. If I want to have a super stable relationship. I have to meet my Lady/Not have sex with her. Not Cohab with her and get married in yr 3 to have a LTR with Longevity. Or Do the same thing, but make sure when we have sex. There is no pregnancy/bio kids between usNo Cohabing before we get married by yr 3.

 

 

Whats your take.

Posted

IMO, difficult to generalize, as we all have unique psychologies.

 

Historically, IME it was neigh impossible to progress a relationship with a woman without sex. I tried for many years back as a virgin and a month or two was about the best I could do. Sex was very important to them, meaning naked PIV sex and nothing else would substitute if they were interested sexually. Since there were plenty of other guys to supply it, I was dismissed.

 

However, had I run into a lady with a similar style, it might have worked, all else being equal.

 

One irony relative to the list, in my anecdotal social circle experience, is the only two couples I know who are firsts and forevers were both married as teens, shotgun weddings, meaning the girl was pregnant, and have been married between 30 and 40 years now. One has grandchildren, though their kids did not have kids nor get married until well into their 20's. The other's kids have yet to marry or have children.

 

IMO, do what you do and leave expectations of results at the door. We make plans and then life happens.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

I still think its good to have a game plan. Everyone I know that winged it. Still has unwanted turbulence in their lives because of this problem.

 

I have a friend that I have mentioned before on these boards. His GF is till leagally married to her ex. They are on year 4 of their relationship with two bio kids. How does that bode well for them, in the long run when they rushed everything in their lives. he seems stressed when I see him. She also has two bio kids with her ex.

 

The fact that she can't get divorced, but looked my buddy up in Dec of 2012. They became a couple in Feb 2013. She intorduced him to the kids in March of 2013. I actually found out that I met them the same day as well. They became pregnant in Dec 2014 and they had a son in Aug 2015 and a duaghter in Feb 2017. At anytime. My buddy can walk away from her. She has yet to get her divorce from her ex and the ex has a new GF.

 

How does this bode well for longevity. I say they don't make it. Her older daughter sort of called her out on it the other day. Whats the rush to have bio kids with your new BF when your not Divorced from your ex. The Separation has been since 2010 from my understanding.

 

I just think that we all have to really be aware of our situation. If you want longevity. There is a way to go about it. Take your time and be diligent on not having kids right away or Cohabing.

 

If having sex and getting pregnant right away and cohabing increased the longevity of a relationship sign me up. There are always patterns of success and un ideal situations. I want the ideal situation.

 

For me thats Couple B. Meet/Date/Sex/No Bio kids/No Cohabing. If we are still together by yr 3. Marriage could be in the cards. I am 46 and I don't see myself doing the cohab thing for life. If I am going to have a kid I want to be under 55 So that I can at least make it to 85/95 and watch my kid grow up. I am also fine with not having a bio kid as well.

Posted

You actually know that many couples who have gone 3-5 years without having sex before marriage?

 

Anyway, I'm a strong believer that waiting to get engaged (and I mean actually planning a wedding in the near future) at minimum before moving in together is for the best.

Posted
H

Couple C/D are destnined to break up. So if all are morphing into LTR. Why does the Sex/Cohab factor make or break a couple. What is its about not having sex/cohabing that increases a couples longevity.

 

Nothing, because it's all totally your vague opinion of what you think might happen based on a small sample... Are you asking us why WE think YOU think that they're destined to break up?

Posted
What is its about not having sex/cohabing that increases a couples longevity.

 

Perhaps they don't know any better! No basis for comparison with others, so they can feel that they've got it good even if they don't really.

 

 

Anyway, the evidence based on research shows that cohabiting couples who have sex have just as good relationship outcomes as those who don't - and perhaps better (older, poorly conducted research to the contrary, that still gets cited despite it being wrong).

 

 

The strongest, longest lasting relationships happen when the couple is a little older (late 20s, early 30s) when they first marry, have good educations, and no kids. They also tend to cohabit first, and have sex. Obviously, if they split up while cohabiting, they dodged a bullet, and if they had married, they'd have likely split over incompatibility.

Posted

There's a lot of flaws in your ways of thinking why certain couples last and others don't. Small sample size, religion/culture differences, individual sexual needs of each person, financial status, etc.

  • Like 1
Posted

Sure it's viable if you are 17 years old and never had sex before and meet someone who never had sex either.

 

In the real world after people had sex once they don't go date someone 3 years with no sex.

 

In your first example couples are young and clueless. Often they are religious and submit to the will of their Church or culture. They seem happy to you but if you look at them 20 years down the road they often stay together for the kids and for apperances. I know I married my first boyfriend. I met him at 17, by the time I reached 30 I had grown into a woman and that woman wasn't compatible with him. We remained married 15 years, which most of those years were miserable.

 

The couples That I see the most happy are the couples that have waited later in life to get married. They went around the block, they enjoyed their youth, they partied and had a few relationships. When these people settle down they know what they want, they know about life, and they won't spend the rest of their life wondering what sex would be like with someone else because they had plenty of someon else before marriage.

 

Couples splitting is never about taking the easy way out. No one wants to seperate, when they do it's because all avenues have been explored and there is no hope of them being happy together. Splitting is an adult decision. Remaining married because of social pressure isn't. Don't look down on people that have seperated or divorced.

  • Like 2
Posted

I rushed into everything with my now 25 year partner.

 

I was still officially married to my ex. Sex on the day we met. Cohab and combined bank accounts within 9 months. I was lazy to get divorced but did it after about two years with my current partner. Started trying for a family after about 4 years together.

 

The thing you want with a woman not having sex with you for three years...do you really think that many women would be up for the idea? You wouldn't get a chance with anyone I know.

Posted

Your sample set it way too small. You can't draw population trends out of just a handful of couples. All you can do is look at the sample points and ponder. From a stats perspective, its meaningless.

 

I know one couple who met and slept together on their first meet. 25 years later they are still in love and have 2 bio kids. Their story, that they openly tell everyone is that they met, she went to his place ... and she never went 'home' again.

 

Another single data point is me - I married my first wife late, post 30, I had a life plan and she was a big part of that. We didn't abstain from sex, but the whole marriage got planned out (mostly by me) and progressed naturally from gf, through a year of engagement then through a traditional style marriage, etc. 10 years later we divorced.

 

I learned my lesson well.

 

I don't plan things now, let the universe have its way with me. I feel that mostly, life and love have a large random element embedded.

×
×
  • Create New...