girlinNYC Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Hi all, Just a general discussion I hope generates interest! Disclaimer: I am in no way heartbroken or hurting, although I am single. In my 23 years on this planet I'd like to think I have generated a lot of life experience, especially in love. I have been hurt twice, but as hard as both relationships were in terms of the ending, the learning experiences from both were different, but invaluable. The hurt in retrospect was the best thing for me. There is a rainbow behind every cloud. I haven't spoken to a guy/no guy has made contact/been on a date with etc in over a year, but I have recently found somebody I am attracted too (a story for another day.) Not to sound conceited, but I am at a stage in life where I am SO confident in my own skin/in myself in general and what I can offer a guy. I am intelligent and have a great head on my shoulders - so I'm constantly told and I believe it. I don't go around lauding myself, however deep down I do love myself. I am finally ready for a relationship, however nothing is coming to me when I'm finally at a point where I'm ready? Yet I was attracting guys when I was younger where I evidently wasn't ready and didn't have that same life experience I have now? Don't they say love only comes when you're ready? My situation clearly demonstrates the opposite happening. If someone could offer some sound logic on this that would be appreciated. Thanks!
carhill Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 I can't speak for how it is for young ladies but as a young man I had to fight and scrape and claw for every shred of love I managed to gain. Absent that, nada. I tried the ready for love experiment for a decade, holding on lightly, and did some wonderful things in life but nary a relationship happened. It wasn't until mid-30's, getting real aggressive and forgetting about rules and a few morals that I was able to secure a modicum of success in the mating department. Life is very peaceful now, long after divorce, and it's back to the way it was long ago. Nada. Fortunately, I'm comfortable living alone and have longtime friends to share life with. Now, at 23 and being a woman, if you left NYC and came to where I lived for over 5 decades, you'd be single maybe a week at most, if that. It would all depend on you. In my social circle, I know three single ladies, all well over 50, all divorced many years and they're single because they want to be. Guys hit on them all the time. All are grandmothers. It was the same for my mom after dad died. Guys would come around but she was happy living alone and not dealing with men anymore. Apples and trees I guess. Just keep on keeping on and try different things and see what happens. Your fit will come. 1
basil67 Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 My advice? Love comes when it comes. It can come when you're ready and it can come when you're not. It's down to the luck of being in the right place at the right time. Also, at 23 I felt as worldly as you do. I thought I knew so much. And now at 50, I look back on my 23 yo self and realise just how little life experience I'd really had. At 70, I will probably laugh at my worldly 50yo self. Don't get me wrong, it's terrific that you're self confident, but don't kid yourself that you truly have broad life experience. True life experience comes from living through many stages of your life. You've still got so much of life in front of you to experience. Good luck with it all. 3
bluefeather Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Don't they say love only comes when you're ready? I've never heard anyone say that It also comes when you're not ready. 2
Author girlinNYC Posted May 19, 2017 Author Posted May 19, 2017 My advice? Love comes when it comes. It can come when you're ready and it can come when you're not. It's down to the luck of being in the right place at the right time. Also, at 23 I felt as worldly as you do. I thought I knew so much. And now at 50, I look back on my 23 yo self and realise just how little life experience I'd really had. At 70, I will probably laugh at my worldly 50yo self. Don't get me wrong, it's terrific that you're self confident, but don't kid yourself that you truly have broad life experience. True life experience comes from living through many stages of your life. You've still got so much of life in front of you to experience. Good luck with it all. Right place at the right time, like stumbling across someone on the sidewalk? Ha. I know what you're saying though. Yes that's why I specified life experience re love. I know I don't have the same depth of life experience as say my mom and dad, but in terms of love I've definitely been though more at my age than what they have in their whole life as an example and can probably teach them about it! Funny how life works sometimes. Just strange how relationships have always come when in retrospect I really wasn't ready, now that I've learnt such life lessons re love and am wiser and so much more confident for it, it hasn't been knocking on my door at all. One of life's mysteries.
Author girlinNYC Posted May 19, 2017 Author Posted May 19, 2017 I've never heard anyone say that It also comes when you're not ready. Really? That is all I've ever heard. You have to be ready etc etc.
Author girlinNYC Posted May 19, 2017 Author Posted May 19, 2017 I can't speak for how it is for young ladies but as a young man I had to fight and scrape and claw for every shred of love I managed to gain. Absent that, nada. I tried the ready for love experiment for a decade, holding on lightly, and did some wonderful things in life but nary a relationship happened. It wasn't until mid-30's, getting real aggressive and forgetting about rules and a few morals that I was able to secure a modicum of success in the mating department. Life is very peaceful now, long after divorce, and it's back to the way it was long ago. Nada. Fortunately, I'm comfortable living alone and have longtime friends to share life with. Now, at 23 and being a woman, if you left NYC and came to where I lived for over 5 decades, you'd be single maybe a week at most, if that. It would all depend on you. In my social circle, I know three single ladies, all well over 50, all divorced many years and they're single because they want to be. Guys hit on them all the time. All are grandmothers. It was the same for my mom after dad died. Guys would come around but she was happy living alone and not dealing with men anymore. Apples and trees I guess. Just keep on keeping on and try different things and see what happens. Your fit will come. Wow, life's crazy huh? I'm very rigid in my dating approach. Really conservative and don't ever see myself having a wild phase, I've only ever wanted to be with the one guy. Wild phase would probably be counterproductive as you're not seen as 'wife material' if enough people catch wind of the lifestyle, it's not me. I don't put myself out there, I refuse to take guys in bars seriously because they're only out for one thing, so really I'm stagnant and not meeting anyone, apart from the guy I love. Things always work out as they're meant to, but for the first time in a long time I feel stuck.
basil67 Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 (edited) I'm very rigid in my dating approach. Really conservative and don't ever see myself having a wild phase, I've only ever wanted to be with the one guy. Wild phase would probably be counterproductive as you're not seen as 'wife material' if enough people catch wind of the lifestyle, it's not me. I don't put myself out there, I refuse to take guys in bars seriously because they're only out for one thing, so really I'm stagnant and not meeting anyone, apart from the guy I love. Things always work out as they're meant to, but for the first time in a long time I feel stuck. And these comments are a really good example of where your life experience is lacking. There's a huge gap between being Really Conservative and having a Wild Phase. I think most people fall somewhere in the middle. They have fun, date but don't take home a different person each week. It's also terribly unfair and judgmental assume all men in bars just want casual sex. Yes, there are sleazy men in bars. There are also genuine men who would really love to have a great girlfriend. It's probably the same ratio of good and bad that you'd find at work, online or anywhere else. Edited May 19, 2017 by basil67
Author girlinNYC Posted May 19, 2017 Author Posted May 19, 2017 And these comments are a really good example of where your life experience is lacking. There's a huge gap between being Really Conservative and having a Wild Phase. I think most people fall somewhere in the middle. They have fun, date but don't take home a different person each week. It's also terribly unfair and judgmental assume all men in bars just want casual sex. Yes, there are sleazy men in bars. There are also genuine men who would really love to have a great girlfriend. It's probably the same ratio of good and bad that you'd find at work, online or anywhere else. You're speaking as a man, I can tell you there isn't a huge gap between being wild and conservative. There is a fine line for woman in that it doesn't take much to tarnish our reputation. We don't all have the luxury you have of being as carefree as you like with no repurcussions to your reputation. I'm yet to meet someone in any bar with good intentions. I'm not labelling all men to be that way, I'm labelling bars, in comfortably saying a bar is somewhere I or a majority of girls won't find their future husband. There are sleazy girls which go to bars, hence it not being gender based. Bars incentivise both genders to have one night stands.
mikeylo Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Never heard of that. What goes around is that you find love when you aren't looking. Most times in unexpected people and situations. Not a personal experience but that's what I've heard 1
todreaminblue Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 i hv eheard love somes when you arent lookign for it ...so not expecting it...seems more to me to be the case.....i never expect to fall in love ....the opposite .....it surprises me....takes me on a roller coaster....makes me sea sick....happy...excited adrenal overload....and anxiety rolled into one...love happens.....when ever...deb 2
basil67 Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 (edited) You're speaking as a man, I can tell you there isn't a huge gap between being wild and conservative. There is a fine line for woman in that it doesn't take much to tarnish our reputation. We don't all have the luxury you have of being as carefree as you like with no repurcussions to your reputation. I'm yet to meet someone in any bar with good intentions. I'm not labelling all men to be that way, I'm labelling bars, in comfortably saying a bar is somewhere I or a majority of girls won't find their future husband. There are sleazy girls which go to bars, hence it not being gender based. Bars incentivise both genders to have one night stands. I'm a woman. I don't know who you hang out with who is so judgemental, but I suggest you shake them. Or is it you who is judgmental and you're projecting? And no, you're not labelling bars, you are labelling the men in bars. And women in bars for that matter. Bars are not the root of all evil - unless you are choosing the sleaziest bars around. There are many different types of bars. Are you from a very conservative upbringing by any chance? Edited May 19, 2017 by basil67
Jj66 Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Different bars have different clientele. Different age groups and demographics. I've been to bars where it was just a neighborhood social spot and to others where the everyone had a goal to find someone to go home with that night. There are gay bars. Sports bars. Music joints. There is even one where I live that specializes as a place for younger men to find older women. The guys call it "grab a granny's" lol. At a bar that would have a lot of 20 somethings there is going to be a ton of hookups going on. If what I saw in the news is right, that's what 20 somethings like to do. Love has always come unexpectedly to me. 2
somanymistakes Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 The only difference being 'ready' makes is being better able to evaluate the options in front of you. If your head's in a mess and you're in no place for a relationship, you will miss chances even if they walk right by you. If you're not mature enough to know what you really want, you're more likely to get swept off your feet by the nearest sexy disaster rather than a good catch. But it won't magically make the right opportunity come your way. You still have to put yourself out there and get into positions where you meet people. I don't blame you for not looking in bars, I am the furthest thing from conservative and I would still expect most people in bars looking for dates are looking for a night's fun time, not a serious relationship. Just try not to call other people sleazy if they're looking for something you're not, lol. Nothing wrong with a night's fun if that's what everyone involved wants and nobody's cheating or anything, it just isn't what YOU want. 2
Redhead14 Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Real love usually comes when you're not watching for the 'pot to boil' . . . 3
bluefeather Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Really? That is all I've ever heard. You have to be ready etc etc. Well maybe you have been listening to people who don't know what they're talking about. I guess that could make you think, "that's what they say." But no, that's not what I say. Though "love comes when you're ready" is not the same thing as "you have to be ready." That second statement can make sense if you attach it to what I said, as in, love comes whether you're ready or not, so be ready.
amaysngrace Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 I totally believe that yes. it. does. But I'm a little whack....
Author girlinNYC Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 I'm a woman. I don't know who you hang out with who is so judgemental, but I suggest you shake them. Or is it you who is judgmental and you're projecting? And no, you're not labelling bars, you are labelling the men in bars. And women in bars for that matter. Bars are not the root of all evil - unless you are choosing the sleaziest bars around. There are many different types of bars. Are you from a very conservative upbringing by any chance? Assumed by your name you were male. I have had countless males tell me to be carefree, and I've politely shrugged it off because in my head I know it's easy for them to say when in general, females are judged more harshly than men. I'd love to go out and kiss random boys every weekend (for example) but my ideals prevent me from that. So I'm not complaining given it's my choice to hold myself back from that, but I think I'm succumbing to societies rules and would like to ideally be able to meet people without having to act loose to get it. I did have a conservative upbringing, attended a strict private catholic school, catholic family. Parents were never hugely strict, they're very trusting so they've never had to be. Whether that's made me judgemental I'm unsure.
Author girlinNYC Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 I totally believe that yes. it. does. But I'm a little whack.... It's all I've ever heard and been told. So I guess that makes me whack too.
Author girlinNYC Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 Well maybe you have been listening to people who don't know what they're talking about. I guess that could make you think, "that's what they say." But no, that's not what I say. Though "love comes when you're ready" is not the same thing as "you have to be ready." That second statement can make sense if you attach it to what I said, as in, love comes whether you're ready or not, so be ready. Yes, that is my original point and why I am so confused. In retrospect, people entered my life when I really wasn't ready. So I am more than ready because I have learnt the lessons assosocoated with being hurt and have used said lessons to make myself truly ready, yet love hasn't come. I harbour no insecurities. I'm not a jealous person. Yet people around me (no judgements to them) are insecure as they have told me and have relationships. Hence the confusion.
Author girlinNYC Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 Never heard of that. What goes around is that you find love when you aren't looking. Most times in unexpected people and situations. Not a personal experience but that's what I've heard I recently found someone when I wasn't looking, although things are a little stagnant at the moment. It's causing confusion in the sense that a) I've found someone when I wasn't looking b) I'm finally ready and yet my love life hasn't been so boring. Ha. Ironic as anything.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 FYI, majority of my friends met their husbands/wives at bars or night clubs. My longest and healthiest relationship also came out of meeting someone at a bar.
bluefeather Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 I went back and read your OP, and these two quotes stood out the most: I haven't spoken to a guy/no guy has made contact/been on a date with etc in over a year... nothing is coming to me when I'm finally at a point where I'm ready? Are you actively seeking men? Maybe that is where the issue is.
Author girlinNYC Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 I went back and read your OP, and these two quotes stood out the most: Are you actively seeking men? Maybe that is where the issue is. True, no I'm not. And I have considered that to be the source of the issue. 99% of my friends have settled down so I'm not exactly in a position to go out and meet guys in bars etc as we all don't really go out to those places as much since they've entered relationships. Which is fine, it is what it is. There is someone I like who I see multiple times a week (we work near each other) but things are fairly stagnant although I've become friends with his sister. Feeling slightly stuck as a result of all of the above.
Author girlinNYC Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 FYI, majority of my friends met their husbands/wives at bars or night clubs. My longest and healthiest relationship also came out of meeting someone at a bar. That's nice. Maybe bars are more 'authentic' where you live.
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