Is he stringing me along?

[firestar]

Hi All, this is a great forum! It's always so much easier to analyze other people's relationships than your own! Look forward to doling out some advice as the objective third party!

 

So...this is what is happening in my dating life...

 

I started dating a guy, M, 2 weeks ago. Flirty texts became sexting after a few days (but nothing too graphic). We were texting constantly for about a week. Went out on a couple of dates during that time and fooled around. Originally I thought we'd just hook up and keep things simple, but he started talking about how I was so important to him, that he hasn't dated anyone in a long time, that he keeps getting rejected after the first date, so he didn't want to mess things up with me. He also said he's a "one woman man". Ok....I gave him the benefit of the doubt though this all sounded suspicious because M is pretty attractive. He also has refused to bring me over to his apartment. Over the weekend I went on a couple of hikes (M did not sign up). There's a good-looking guy who was there (though I didn't even flirt with him) and I think M knew he was going to be there. Maybe M was insecure and suspected us because after that weekend his texts got more infrequent. M gave me reasons, like an elderly friend passed away and he had to help attend to her funeral (M is a church volunteer). I said he should take his time and contact me when he's ready. With that M disappeared for a couple of days. On the evening of the second day I teexted him and his replies came about once an hour (previously it was once every 10-15 minutes). And his replies sounded weird--he'd use smilies and expressions I'd never seen him use and he didn't sound sad or grieving at all! He also only texted but made no plans to see me again. I asked if he wanted to see me that week and he said "tomorrow is out and I'm waiting to hear about a friend's birthday party on Friday." That was a big red flag. I heard that if a man doesn't make plans to see you, he's not that interested in you. So, I told M "This isn't working. I can't prioritize someone who won't make me a priority. I think the timing is also bad (I am going through a lot of issues career-wise) and we don't seem to be compatible. Maybe I'll see you on a future ride." After that I got total radio silence. For a week. Then yesterday he suddenly texts "I heard you injured your leg on a hike. Hope you're feeling better and have a speedy recovery." (I got into an accident on a hike last week.) So far I've just ignore him.

 

Does it look like I'm getting played and he's just stringing me along?

[Titanll]

You tell him that it isn't working and then ask us if you are getting played and strung along?

 

Sounds like things are done.

[firestar]

You tell him that it isn't working and then ask us if you are getting played and strung along?

 

Sounds like things are done.

 

Think I'm just fantasizing. He's the "total package" with the one missing ingredient--he's not really into me

[hippychick3]

Doesn't look like either one. He's not stringing you along or playing you. He reached out either to be polite or to feel you out for sex.

 

You made the right decision to end it. It wasn't going anywhere. Just move on.

[firestar]

Yep, my guess is he's just interested in sex. I guess when he wasn't getting it immediately he resorted to lies and deception to try to get me to put out sooner. Gawd, I hate it when men pressure me for sex like this. Nothing kills a woman's libido faster...

[AJ27k]

Out of everything, his reluctance to initiate plans is the warning sign. He should have suggested plans in that stretch before you asked. Then when you did ask, he should have made something definite. When I have been dating and into a girl, even if work and personal stuff is chaotic, I jump at any opportunity I can make plans or really adjust things to find free time.

 

The week of silence after the break it off text also is a warning side. If he really was into you, he would have replied to that pretty fast, or at least thought about it for a day and then had a well structured response apologizing for not being able to see you over that stretch and really wanting to make you a priority. He didn't even acknowledge it.

[firestar]

Out of everything, his reluctance to initiate plans is the warning sign. He should have suggested plans in that stretch before you asked. Then when you did ask, he should have made something definite. When I have been dating and into a girl, even if work and personal stuff is chaotic, I jump at any opportunity I can make plans or really adjust things to find free time.

 

The week of silence after the break it off text also is a warning side. If he really was into you, he would have replied to that pretty fast, or at least thought about it for a day and then had a well structured response apologizing for not being able to see you over that stretch and really wanting to make you a priority. He didn't even acknowledge it.

 

Yep! Thanks for confirming what I had thought all this time. The fact that he's not making plans to see me is a huge indicator that he isn't really into me. We all deserve someone who is excited to be with us!

[stillafool]

Hi All, this is a great forum! It's always so much easier to analyze other people's relationships than your own! Look forward to doling out some advice as the objective third party!

 

So...this is what is happening in my dating life...

 

I started dating a guy, M, 2 weeks ago. Flirty texts became sexting after a few days (but nothing too graphic). We were texting constantly for about a week. Went out on a couple of dates during that time and fooled around. Originally I thought we'd just hook up and keep things simple, but he started talking about how I was so important to him, that he hasn't dated anyone in a long time, that he keeps getting rejected after the first date, so he didn't want to mess things up with me. He also said he's a "one woman man". Ok....I gave him the benefit of the doubt though this all sounded suspicious because M is pretty attractive. He also has refused to bring me over to his apartment. Over the weekend I went on a couple of hikes (M did not sign up). There's a good-looking guy who was there (though I didn't even flirt with him) and I think M knew he was going to be there. Maybe M was insecure and suspected us because after that weekend his texts got more infrequent. M gave me reasons, like an elderly friend passed away and he had to help attend to her funeral (M is a church volunteer). I said he should take his time and contact me when he's ready. With that M disappeared for a couple of days. On the evening of the second day I teexted him and his replies came about once an hour (previously it was once every 10-15 minutes). And his replies sounded weird--he'd use smilies and expressions I'd never seen him use and he didn't sound sad or grieving at all! He also only texted but made no plans to see me again. I asked if he wanted to see me that week and he said "tomorrow is out and I'm waiting to hear about a friend's birthday party on Friday." That was a big red flag. I heard that if a man doesn't make plans to see you, he's not that interested in you. So, I told M "This isn't working. I can't prioritize someone who won't make me a priority. I think the timing is also bad (I am going through a lot of issues career-wise) and we don't seem to be compatible. Maybe I'll see you on a future ride." After that I got total radio silence. For a week. Then yesterday he suddenly texts "I heard you injured your leg on a hike. Hope you're feeling better and have a speedy recovery." (I got into an accident on a hike last week.) So far I've just ignore him.

 

Does it look like I'm getting played and he's just stringing me along?

 

Why say you want to keep it casual and then when he can't see you you say this isn't working? If you want it casual then big deal if he had plans on Fri night. You should have just said ok and not contact him again. Let him chase you if he wants to be bothered. The BIG RED FLAG was he didn't want you to come to his house. I think he is involved with someone else while seeing others like you.

[smackie9]

I think you are messing things up for yourself because you are misinterpreting everything. He seems to be a pretty legit nice guy that listens to YOU literally. YOU told him to take his time, so he did, and not contact you for a couple of days to focus on other things he had to attend to. He forwarded smilies prob because he felt that would be a way that would show interest since contact has been sparse. He didn't plans YET, because he TOLD you he may have other plans which sounds pretty damn normal for someone who has only been lightly dating for 2 bloody weeks. And then you tell him "it's not working" so he backed off....wtf did you expect from a guy that is just being respectful of your wishes?? He contacted you again maybe in hopes you changed your mind or he is just being the nice guy he is. YOU are high maintenance to be expects SO much from someone you dated for 2 weeks. I can see it if it was 2 months sure, but come on here. Quit this passive/aggressive approach to dating, testing those you date...believe it of not not everyone plays into that head game crap.

[Miss Spider]

[...]

The week of silence after the break it off text also is a warning side. If he really was into you, he would have replied to that pretty fast, or at least thought about it for a day and then had a well structured response apologizing for not being able to see you over that stretch and really wanting to make you a priority. He didn't even acknowledge it.

 

I completely agree with this. Several 'red flags' in there, even towards the beginning, but this is the main one. If you were "so important to him" it wouldn't have taken him a week to respond to this. He's got about 0 cares to give. Trust your gut. Interested men make time for you and don't leave you in the dark to possibly wander off

[Titanll]

I think you are messing things up for yourself because you are misinterpreting everything. He seems to be a pretty legit nice guy that listens to YOU literally. YOU told him to take his time, so he did, and not contact you for a couple of days to focus on other things he had to attend to. He forwarded smilies prob because he felt that would be a way that would show interest since contact has been sparse. He didn't plans YET, because he TOLD you he may have other plans which sounds pretty damn normal for someone who has only been lightly dating for 2 bloody weeks. And then you tell him "it's not working" so he backed off....wtf did you expect from a guy that is just being respectful of your wishes?? He contacted you again maybe in hopes you changed your mind or he is just being the nice guy he is. YOU are high maintenance to be expects SO much from someone you dated for 2 weeks. I can see it if it was 2 months sure, but come on here. Quit this passive/aggressive approach to dating, testing those you date...believe it of not not everyone plays into that head game crap.

This.

 

And in what universe did he pressure you for sex?

[kendahke]

I heard that if a man doesn't make plans to see you, he's not that interested in you. So, I told M "This isn't working. I can't prioritize someone who won't make me a priority.

 

Priority? From someone you didn't know 3 weeks ago?

 

I think your expectations aren't in line with the reality of this situation.

 

Dating a couple of times with someone you've only known 2 weeks and doing a bunch of flirty sexting does not mean you're in a relationship.

 

If you and he haven't had a talk about making this exclusive, then he was going on with plans he had in his life before you showed up. I would say differently if this had been 6 weeks and you two had a talk, but all you had with him was a minor involvement that hadn't even developed its legs to carry your expectations. That is the red flag here.

[joseb]

 

The week of silence after the break it off text also is a warning side. If he really was into you, he would have replied to that pretty fast, or at least thought about it for a day and then had a well structured response apologizing for not being able to see you over that stretch and really wanting to make you a priority. He didn't even acknowledge it.

 

Putting myself in this situation, if I got a big "it's not working, you are not prioritising me" dump message from someone I'd been on a couple if dates with, then no way I'd be grovelling and apologising. I'd move on.

[smackie9]

Finding out if he has a GF....easily done. Just Google search his name.

[firestar]

Finding out if he has a GF....easily done. Just Google search his name.

 

He has a pretty common first and last name and I know his middle initial. When I googled it the people check websites came up with just his parents and brother's name (verified this on his Twitter account). So, I'm pretty sure he is not married. But how do you find out if he has a girlfriend on Google?

 

He told me he doesn't use Facebook, so I can't find him there. His Twitter and Instagram accounts don't show anyone that resembles a girlfriend. There was one photo on Instagram of his apartment where he has one of those window treatments with 2 layers of curtains. A solid color on top and a sheer layer below with floral patterns. I hate to stereotype but how many single men use sheer floral curtains as a second layer beneath the first? I've seen how he dresses and art is not his strong suit. But I'm probably grasping at straws here...

Edited May 20, 2017 by firestar

[AJ27k]

Putting myself in this situation, if I got a big "it's not working, you are not prioritising me" dump message from someone I'd been on a couple if dates with, then no way I'd be grovelling and apologising. I'd move on.

 

I guess it really depends on if I was not prioritizing her for a reason or if I really was trying to give it my all and it wasn't enough to her.

 

If it was just me not really being into her or I had another girl I was more interested in, I'd take that as a, if you want to date me, you better change or I am not bothering with you anymore. The latter, I probably would be less inclined to respond in a groveling way. I mean if I am trying and its not enough, its not going to work.

 

When I really like and am interested in someone, I'll be really trying to keep her involved in my life, even if I am busy. I want to see them alot and if I can't, I want to talk to them still. I always say, you really don't have time to send a quick text on busy days? And I have actually been in that situation and I still talk to her everyday and fit in plans on a busy days. So I seem more inclined to feel if a guy is not treating a girl like that early on in dating, he isn't in to her or is playing the scene.

[Miss Spider]

No groveling, but at least like "what?" I think OP message was a little extreme to say the least, but you'd think he'd be like" WTF we just started dating" if she had some interest in keeping her . Before a week. instead he just hits her up like nothing happened? ? Umm. Yeah he knows what he was doing.

Edited May 20, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[firestar]

No groveling, but at least like "what?" I think OP message was a little extreme to say the least, but you'd think he'd be like" WTF we just started dating" if she had some interest in keeping her . Before a week. instead he just hits her up like nothing happened? ? Umm. Yeah he knows what he was doing.

 

I have to agree. Even my ex-boyfriend of many years ago, who I had eventually dumped for cheating on me, was a lot more eager to see me. In the first couple of months he wanted to get together at least once or twice a week. Going to his apartment was no issue. We didn't talk every day but almost every day. I tried to break up with him after a few weeks of dating because he was very flirtatious with a coworker (we worked in the same office). Compared to him M acts like it doesn't really matter if I stay or go...a week is a long time to respond to a "I don't want to date you anymore" text and it's even more bizarre that he didn't even protest or at least call me out on being unfair or what have you. I guess I do expect a man who claimed that I am very important to him and that he didn't want to "mess things up" with me to try a little harder than that!

Edited May 20, 2017 by firestar

[coolheadal]

Think I'm just fantasizing. He's the "total package" with the one missing ingredient--he's not really into me

 

Then why are you bothering to push this through? You already know the answer but too uncertain about what's going to happen next. He's all over the place. Sure if they're really into you they want to be with you 100% instead well there is this party I want to go too that's more important to hang out with you. That's pretty much the thought process with him and you. You can do better than him really come on girl wake-up and move on. Get your act together and get a real man who can text you quick, call you and set up dates on regular bases. Never go through this nonsense with any guy okay.

[firestar]

Then why are you bothering to push this through? You already know the answer but too uncertain about what's going to happen next. He's all over the place. Sure if they're really into you they want to be with you 100% instead well there is this party I want to go too that's more important to hang out with you. That's pretty much the thought process with him and you. You can do better than him really come on girl wake-up and move on. Get your act together and get a real man who can text you quick, call you and set up dates on regular bases. Never go through this nonsense with any guy okay.

 

Thanks coolheadal, you're absolutely right! I know what an enthusiastic guy looks like and this guy definitely isn't it! But what do you do when you're a middle-aged woman in her 40s who, while fit and attractive for her age, is not the hottie she was 10 years ago (when I first met my ex-bf)? Can an older woman still meet a man who is around her age, "in her league", and still pursue her consistently with the same enthusiasm that men pursued her when she was younger? I hear about this but rarely see it.

 

It seems like men all just want youth and beauty (regardless of their age, physical shape, employment status, etc.) A lot of guys seem to have unrealistic expectations, like "I think that blond tanned 21 year old surfer girl with the Victoria Secret body really wants me") As you get older as a woman your options become more limited and your standards for how well you're treated starts to drop....that leads to a downward spiral of self-esteem problems

Edited May 21, 2017 by firestar

[Miss Spider]

I see it all the time, firestar. People tend to pair up with people in their league(not just physically), regardless of age. The couples with big difference in 'league" are the outliers. Please don't allow your standards for how you are to be treated EVER drop. )But don't have unrealistic expectations from guys either. Don't make them jump through too many hoops.) Blonde surfer chicks put up will bull crap from some men too if they allow it. This guy just wasn't the right man for for you. There are many who want' girls', but many who want 'women'! The looks, the maturity, the experience - they're all about it and they respect it. If they don't, kick 'em to the curb because there are plenty who do

Edited May 21, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[firestar]

I see it all the time, firestar. People tend to pair up with people in their league(not just physically), regardless of age. The couples with big difference in 'league" are the outliers. Please don't allow your standards for how you are to be treated EVER drop. )But don't have unrealistic expectations from guys either. Don't make them jump through too many hoops.) Blonde surfer chicks put up will bull crap from some men too if they allow it. This guy just wasn't the right man for for you. There are many who want' girls', but many who want 'women'! The looks, the maturity, the experience - they're all about it and they respect it. If they don't, kick 'em to the curb because there are plenty who do

 

Thanks, Cookiesanddough! I think you're right and I believe there are plenty of fish in my (middle-aged) league in the sea lol!

[firestar]

Priority? From someone you didn't know 3 weeks ago?

 

I think your expectations aren't in line with the reality of this situation.

 

Dating a couple of times with someone you've only known 2 weeks and doing a bunch of flirty sexting does not mean you're in a relationship.

 

If you and he haven't had a talk about making this exclusive, then he was going on with plans he had in his life before you showed up. I would say differently if this had been 6 weeks and you two had a talk, but all you had with him was a minor involvement that hadn't even developed its legs to carry your expectations. That is the red flag here.

 

We actually met in the first week of April and emailed back and forth for a while. We started texting around the last week of April. But yes, we've gone out only twice...

 

Maybe I'm asking too much from him, but don't you think it's a bad sign when he texted but didn't make any plans to see me again? (This was before I sent him the "breaking up" text.)

[Arieswoman]

firestar,

He made his intentions very clear from the start

 

Flirty texts became sexting after a few days (but nothing too graphic).

 

and you went along with it. Bad move IMO

 

Then when you didn't oblige him sexually he lost interest.

 

I would suggest you look for a guy that will actually phone you and set up dates, not one who just wants some kind of a kick out of sexting.

 

Good luck

[coolheadal]

Thanks coolheadal, you're absolutely right! I know what an enthusiastic guy looks like and this guy definitely isn't it! But what do you do when you're a middle-aged woman in her 40s who, while fit and attractive for her age, is not the hottie she was 10 years ago (when I first met my ex-bf)? Can an older woman still meet a man who is around her age, "in her league", and still pursue her consistently with the same enthusiasm that men pursued her when she was younger? I hear about this but rarely see it.

 

It seems like men all just want youth and beauty (regardless of their age, physical shape, employment status, etc.) A lot of guys seem to have unrealistic expectations, like "I think that blond tanned 21 year old surfer girl with the Victoria Secret body really wants me") As you get older as a woman your options become more limited and your standards for how well you're treated starts to drop....that leads to a downward spiral of self-esteem problems

 

You should never put yourself so low. You should think your the best one out there like I do. I don't look or act my age because I know better to be happy show off a huge smile and be so confident when I am home or out. Even at my work and help out the other team makes I say Good morning with a smile encouragement. I found one female team mate looking so sad. I know there are problems with everyone but I've made her smile again. Thus her work performance is 100% better. I need her help so making her happy works. We all can do the same everyday there is no need to stand or tolerate anything anymore. I will not! I want to have fun but I want to be notice for who I am inside than outside. I hear what your saying but forget about that I am sure your hot attractive woman you got to feel that inside girl you got too. That guy loss you it's his loss not yours. Go find one that can give you what you need and most of all be there for you. Appreciate and Respects you for who you are!