Jump to content

GF has lied about where she lives from day 1, is location sharing too much to ask?

RileyS

By RileyS
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

RileyS Member

RileyS

Posted
Posted

Ok so I recently found out my GF of nearly 2 years (we're both 37) has been hiding where she lives from me, we generally only really see each other at weekends, mostly at mine. I've had a feeling that something's been not quite right for some time now but couldn't figure out what, anyway we've spent more time round hers lately and I couldn't help but notice things weren't right somehow and eventually confronted her about it.

 

Turns out she had been finding it difficult living on her own so had moved back in with her parents well before we met but had kept her flat on. She didn't want me to think bad of her for living with her parents at our age so decided not to tell me and let me believe she lived in the flat. I've visited her parents house in the meantime and the family were all in on the secret and played along so I had no idea she was living there.

 

Now when I eventually found out that she'd been keeping this secret from me I was pretty damn annoyed, not that she was living with her parents, but that she'd told me so many lies to keep it secret. It gave me a huge problem trusting her so after some Internet research about rebuilding trust I asked her to give me access to her phone (she lives on it) and social media accounts, this was probably a bit extreme and she refused and we broke up over it briefly. I backed down and we got back together soon afterwards (about a month ago) and I started to regain trust in her because she was following through with promises she'd made me.

 

Things were going fine until the other day, she texted me she was at home with the family dog sat on her feet, now I've never seen her bedroom at her parents house and like the dog so texted her back 5 mins later and asked her to send me a pic of the dog in her bedroom (I was curious what it looked like). After an hour or so with no reply I sent a bad tempered text about how long it was taking so send a simple pic, she said she was at the supermarket buying dinner.

 

She could very well have been at the supermarket, but it was a stark reminder that I don't really trust that she's where she says she is. So I looked online at how you can share your location with your partner, she has an iPhone and I have an Android and it turns out Google maps have a feature that lets you share your location with specific people so asked her to set this up.

 

She's refused to do this. To me, if the situation were reversed and she'd asked me to do this I'd have absolutely zero problems letting her know exactly where I was at any time day or night, the only reason I can think of that I wouldn't want her to know my location would be if I was somehow trying to hide things from her. I'm due to meet her tomorrow evening to discuss this and the way I'm feeling is that if she doesn't agree to it the relationship is over, I have to be able to trust that my partner and if she wants to keep things secret then I don't see how I can.

 

Am I being stupid?

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

Yes, you're being stupid - but not in the way you probably think.

 

This woman has committed a huge breach of trust and you're right to not trust her anymore. However, demanding access to her social media and tracking her is seriously controlling. If someone breaks your trust in such a significant way that you become not your best self, it's better to end it. The stupid part is staying with her despite having good reason to not trust her.

 

Just wondering: if things were so bad for her, how could she afford to keep an empty flat? Unless there's a damn good financial reason, this is yet another thing which smells bad.

  • Like 6
  • Author
RileyS Member

RileyS

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Yes, you're being stupid - but not in the way you probably think.

 

This woman has committed a huge breach of trust and you're right to not trust her anymore. However, demanding access to her social media and tracking her is seriously controlling. If someone breaks your trust in such a significant way that you become not your best self, it's better to end it. The stupid part is staying with her despite having good reason to not trust her.

 

Just wondering: if things were so bad for her, how could she afford to keep an empty flat? Unless there's a damn good financial reason, this is yet another thing which smells bad.

 

She's had issues with depression and doesn't cope with being on her own so well but still needs an escape so kept the flat.

 

As I suspected I thought I was being controlling wanting to know her location and that's the last thing I want to be. I love her a great deal but the trust issue is giving me a problem.

act00 Established Member

act00

Posted
Posted

I think it's controlling and asinine to demand to track your GF's every move. Sorry. I would be running for the hills with that demand. She is not your child.

 

The answer here is to stop the relationship. She will have to suffer the consequences of her actions of not being honest with you, and her family were all in on it too.

 

You have the choice to stay and do your best to trust her as long as she is taking measures to behave in a trustful manner. This does not mean she has to give up any and all privacy and give you access to her phone and social media so you can spy, and it does not mean she has to allow you to follow her every move. You want to stay? See a therapist together and work on tools to get through it.

 

Personally, she doesn't sound like someone worth keeping. She can't be alone and has to live at home, yet maintains an apartment? She doesn't even rent it out? She is still dependent on her parents emotionally? Something is very "off" and frankly, I'm not sure I would want to build a future with her, and there is significant evasiveness. She doesn't seem adult enough to manage an adult relationship, to be honest.

  • Like 3
CoolJoe Established Member

CoolJoe

Posted
Posted
Things were going fine until the other day, she texted me she was at home with the family dog sat on her feet, now I've never seen her bedroom at her parents house and like the dog so texted her back 5 mins later and asked her to send me a pic of the dog in her bedroom (I was curious what it looked like). After an hour or so with no reply I sent a bad tempered text about how long it was taking so send a simple pic, she said she was at the supermarket buying dinner.

 

 

Wow, this made my head hurt. You might want to chill out. You sound very controlling (see also demanding access of her social media accounts -- what sort of research was this that advocated doing all this? Terrible advice IMHO).

 

It sounds like both parties are at fault here.

 

Her for lying (and getting her family in on the lie, which is bizarre as hell) and you for being so demanding and breaking boundaries.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted (edited)

hey riley,

 

i thinkk location shaing is a smart and safe practice if something were to happen and you were in trouble it gives a whereabouts.....i feel every partner should do it......not for an honesty thing for a safety thing.....and for me ...especially women.....girls.....the world is changing and it isnt safe..... features like location sharing can help really a secure way of living...but then i have dreams/nightmares of me being hot with a crowbar and thrown into a boot of a car from the side of a road.....its a recurring dream......theres some really sick puppies out there in the world.........

 

....i dont see a problem with location sharing at all especially since you have had breaches of trust.....

 

i believe in transpaerncy in relationships and sharing my social media passwords with a partner.....not a problem....i dont really get asked when in a relationshop because i am not a hider.......i just give....same with my phone when i am with someone i let my partner use my phone so yeah dont really hide anything i have no desire to......obviously your gf however isnt like me....and you have to respect her privacy requirements...but....

 

if her privacy is linked in to the fact she likes to lie to you and to deceive you and not say truthful things...that is a real problem......and another problem is she can could relieve some of the distrust you feel by allowing things like location and password sharing...but doesnt want to....i feel you need to be honest with her that you dont trust her and you are concerned that you feel you might not be able to in the future....

 

i feel she hides unneccessary things strangely and thats a worry.....because if she hides unneceesary things that can and shoudl be shared...how is it going to be when things get a little uncomfortable with truth...where it gets hard to be honest ......and open...for em it shows the investment in arelationship...if you can notbe truthful transparent and open...you arent invested in long term...i wish you well op..deb

Edited by todreaminblue
  • Like 1
mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

Posted
Posted

What else is she lying about? Better yet, what did/does she ever tell the truth to you about?

  • Like 2
Bastile Established Member

Bastile

Posted
Posted
You might want to chill out.

 

I was thinking the same thing.

 

Personally, I don't care about such daft and stupid lies.

 

But, we are all entitled to our own boundaries. In which case, you ditch her.

 

I think you'll find yourself getting all kinds of angry, and ragequitting a lot of different relationships with your current attitude, though.

 

Let things be more like water off a duck's back.

jjgitties Established Member

jjgitties

Posted
Posted

#1 -- you are a control freak. what person demands that the GF turns on geolocation so he knows her where abouts 24/7?

 

#2 -- weird story bro. so she has a flat that she pays for but she lives with her parents and her entire family decides to get in on the lie. very weird.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
She's had issues with depression and doesn't cope with being on her own so well but still needs an escape so kept the flat.

 

My bad. I thought the issues were financial rather than emotional.

 

If you want to stay with her, why not make seeking mental health care a proviso of you continuing the relationship?

firestar Member

firestar

Posted
Posted (edited)

No, you're not being stupid AT ALL. Because she had lied to you in the past you have the right to find it difficult to trust her. Personally, I have trust issues with just about every man I date! So, I suggest you do this. If you want to save your relationship and not have trust issues eat away and destroy your relationship, I think there is a big issue to resolve. Your girlfriend lied to you because she felt ashamed of her living situation and scared that you will leave her if you found out. I am guessing that you come from a more affluent family or background? If you can truly accept your girlfriend--warts and all--and she doesn't have to be scared of losing you or feel ashamed about being poor or less successful, she is much less likely to lie to you in the future. It seems that while you recently lost trust in her she hasn't trusted you from day one. She believes your love for her is conditional and is based on how perfect, successful, or rich she is. This trust thing is a two-way street. She will have to trust that you love her unconditionally (or at least love her even if she isn't successful, rich, perfect, etc.) And your girlfriend must convince you that she can be trusted to be honest to you, not hide who she really is, and to be faithful to you because now it seems like you're wondering that with all the hiding is she hiding anything else--like a lover. Both of you must assure each other and do whatever it takes to regain each other's trust if you want to have a happy relationship!

Edited by firestar
phineas Established Member

phineas

Posted
Posted

If she isn't in the CIA that is some messed up stuff on many levels.

because her family is in on it.

WTF?

 

That's dysfunction feeding dysfunction.

 

it's messed up. your brain has basically short circuited.

This is some maury povich "you are the father" type of shock and you have gone off the deep end a little bit here.

 

so you read some stuff on the internet. just cause it's on the internet....

 

you NEED to take a step back and collect yourself.

Hell i'm on the internet and i've been drinking tonight so think about what i'm saying before you act.

 

Also, forget all those people calling you "controlling" it's love shack.

you will get that here.

reading comprehension is not mandatory. they miss the fact you are at a loss and doing what the internet told you to do because you don't know what to do because your reality just broke

 

Because the fact is, this is not normal.

not one bit.

 

This is "little billy likes to torture neighborhood pets but we look the other way and pretend it doesn't happen" level type of stuff.

Except no animals were harmed during this messed up deception.

 

You are the very definition of a guy who needs "space" I suggest you take it.

and while you aren't the one who was renting an apartment to pretend you were NOT living with your parents still, i suggest you talk to a therapist.

  • Like 2
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

Yikes, you need to break up with her.

 

You're supposed to be her partner and yet she and her whole family participated in active deception to play make-believe with you. They all have issues with honesty, it seems. Now you feel compelled to be her warden and track her.

 

I think you two need to go your separate ways. The trust is too severely compromised.

CC12 Established Member

CC12

Posted
Posted

I think asking to have access to her phone, social media, and location at all times is weird and controlling, but if I were her, I would be doing everything I could to regain your trust. You said she's followed through on promises she's made - are those promises directly related to building your trust? What has she done, specifically, to rebuild trust?

 

It was a really weird lie for her to keep up for so long. It seems like it would have been a massive effort to keep it a secret. It would have been much easier to say, "I actually stay at my parents' place most of the time because I prefer to be around them." Like, that's not a big deal. Her reasoning of, "I didn't want you to think badly of me" doesn't really make sense at all. Maybe that's why you're having trouble moving past it?

 

Have there been other things she's done that seem a little off, or shady?

coolheadal Established Member

coolheadal

Posted
Posted
Ok so I recently found out my GF of nearly 2 years (we're both 37) has been hiding where she lives from me, we generally only really see each other at weekends, mostly at mine. I've had a feeling that something's been not quite right for some time now but couldn't figure out what, anyway we've spent more time round hers lately and I couldn't help but notice things weren't right somehow and eventually confronted her about it.

 

Turns out she had been finding it difficult living on her own so had moved back in with her parents well before we met but had kept her flat on. She didn't want me to think bad of her for living with her parents at our age so decided not to tell me and let me believe she lived in the flat. I've visited her parents house in the meantime and the family were all in on the secret and played along so I had no idea she was living there.

 

Now when I eventually found out that she'd been keeping this secret from me I was pretty damn annoyed, not that she was living with her parents, but that she'd told me so many lies to keep it secret. It gave me a huge problem trusting her so after some Internet research about rebuilding trust I asked her to give me access to her phone (she lives on it) and social media accounts, this was probably a bit extreme and she refused and we broke up over it briefly. I backed down and we got back together soon afterwards (about a month ago) and I started to regain trust in her because she was following through with promises she'd made me.

 

Things were going fine until the other day, she texted me she was at home with the family dog sat on her feet, now I've never seen her bedroom at her parents house and like the dog so texted her back 5 mins later and asked her to send me a pic of the dog in her bedroom (I was curious what it looked like). After an hour or so with no reply I sent a bad tempered text about how long it was taking so send a simple pic, she said she was at the supermarket buying dinner.

 

She could very well have been at the supermarket, but it was a stark reminder that I don't really trust that she's where she says she is. So I looked online at how you can share your location with your partner, she has an iPhone and I have an Android and it turns out Google maps have a feature that lets you share your location with specific people so asked her to set this up.

 

She's refused to do this. To me, if the situation were reversed and she'd asked me to do this I'd have absolutely zero problems letting her know exactly where I was at any time day or night, the only reason I can think of that I wouldn't want her to know my location would be if I was somehow trying to hide things from her. I'm due to meet her tomorrow evening to discuss this and the way I'm feeling is that if she doesn't agree to it the relationship is over, I have to be able to trust that my partner and if she wants to keep things secret then I don't see how I can.

 

Am I being stupid?

 

You know already that she's lying to you and keeping you our of certain things in her life. So sounds like she has other men and you in her life. Her family did a number on you. I had that happen to one of the women I know for year now. She kept a her secret from me as well the family kept it as well. But when I found out I was like you.

 

Now you know how it feels to be lied too.. Not fun isn't it.. You have to watch it with her, if I was you either you talk to her but you can't changed her mind set she doesn't whatever she wants, but wants you too. Social media, dating sites all sorts of things she's into.

 

How did you meet her? Online or Outside?

 

I sense she's dating others at the same time. What you can try to do is this and say it this way"

 

What ever you call her would go here) Please listen to me I want you to move in with me 100% and leave your parents. I am ready for you"

 

Now if she answers yes then she's really wants to be with you. If the answer is no and she go upset then you know she's seeing someone else or many guys. Watch her eyes and behavior.

 

You left her before you taken her back and sure enough the same crap is going on again. Stop taking her back! Move on...

  • Author
RileyS Member

RileyS

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the advice everyone, I've read through all your replies a few times now and have pretty much decided the best thing for both of us is to break up. I'm very laid back and being controlling goes totally against my character, the fact that I'm feeling like I have be that way makes me very uncomfortable and isn't how I want to spend my life.

  • Like 3
GunslingerRoland Established Member

GunslingerRoland

Posted
Posted

I think you are making the right choice, there can't be anything healthy about a relationship where she has this little trust for you, and now you have this little trust for her.

AJ27k Member

AJ27k

Posted
Posted

I actually dated a girl for 3 months that lied about her job. She was unemployed but claimed she worked for an insurance company in the area. I honestly didn't even think anything of it since I worked weekdays and she claimed she did too. We were always free the same times. But she went to great lengths to cover up that she was unemployed, even have a few of her friends lie to me.

 

When she came clean over it, I was upset. I could care less if she was employed or not, it was the fact that she lied to me constantly over this. I actually didn't break it off at first, but it became clear that I just couldn't trust her ever and things ended a few weeks after the fact.

 

Is your behavior controlling? It definitively crosses the line a little, but its an understandable reaction to this well kept lie that even her family were in on that went on for way too long.

 

In my opinion, at some point you are going to have to really have a conversation over this trust issue. It can be regained over time, but she has to understand you aren't trying to be controlling and you are trying to gain trust back in the relationship.

mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

Posted
Posted

good work. you can't trust her, or her family, so in the end, the most you can expect is a purely physical relationship with her. anything else is putting your trust in people who have demonstrated that they can't be trusted, aka foolishness

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted

People treat you the way they feel about you.

 

People also choose to lie. Her arm wasn't being twisted and no gun was to her head. She willingly and willfully chose to lie.

 

In the 2 years you've known her, she's chosen at every turn to look you in your face and lie to you. Let that sink in for a few minutes as you recall instances during the last 24 months that suddenly stopped adding up.

 

If she doesn't like being alone, why then didn't she have you over to the flat way more often? Why was she always going to your place or to her parent's place? That doesn't add up.

 

The fact that her family was in on this scam speaks volumes. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, apparently.

 

While I wouldn't have gone as far as to demand anything out of her, I certainly would have told her that since she's lies as naturally as drawing breath that I do not deal with liars and that our relationship is over. Then I'd block her every which way and get on with my life.

 

Let her lies hold her close and keep her warm at night from now on.

  • Author
RileyS Member

RileyS

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Ok so I met her tonight and couldn't go through with breaking up with her, I love her too much so have asked her to organise some couples counselling because I'm all out of ideas of how else to build trust in her, she's going to arrange that so we'll see how it goes.

 

If she doesn't like being alone, why then didn't she have you over to the flat way more often? Why was she always going to your place or to her parent's place? That doesn't add up.

 

She's been living with her parents since before we met, her younger sister and sister's boyfriend live there too, I visited them with her a couple of times but have never stayed there, we stayed in her flat whenever I visited. She mostly came round to mine at weekends because my flat's got broadband, wifi, comfortable reclining chairs, cable tv with all the channels and loads of movies to watch. Hers doesn't have broadband, only basic freeview tv channels, the most uncomfortable sofa in the world and no TV in the bedroom so it's not a great place to spend the weekend. I would have gone there more often but she always said she didn't mind the drive up to mine so it seemed to work out best for us both.

 

The fact that her family was in on this scam speaks volumes. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, apparently.

 

Exactly, I don't feel like I can ever trust them either, it's not really their fault as they were just trying to protect her, but for me, if they wanted to protect her they'd have been persuading her to come clean instead of carrying on with the charade.

TheFinalWord Established Member

TheFinalWord

Posted
Posted
Ok so I recently found out my GF of nearly 2 years (we're both 37) has been hiding where she lives from me, we generally only really see each other at weekends, mostly at mine. I've had a feeling that something's been not quite right for some time now but couldn't figure out what, anyway we've spent more time round hers lately and I couldn't help but notice things weren't right somehow and eventually confronted her about it.

 

Turns out she had been finding it difficult living on her own so had moved back in with her parents well before we met but had kept her flat on. She didn't want me to think bad of her for living with her parents at our age so decided not to tell me and let me believe she lived in the flat. I've visited her parents house in the meantime and the family were all in on the secret and played along so I had no idea she was living there.

 

Now when I eventually found out that she'd been keeping this secret from me I was pretty damn annoyed, not that she was living with her parents, but that she'd told me so many lies to keep it secret. It gave me a huge problem trusting her so after some Internet research about rebuilding trust I asked her to give me access to her phone (she lives on it) and social media accounts, this was probably a bit extreme and she refused and we broke up over it briefly. I backed down and we got back together soon afterwards (about a month ago) and I started to regain trust in her because she was following through with promises she'd made me.

 

Things were going fine until the other day, she texted me she was at home with the family dog sat on her feet, now I've never seen her bedroom at her parents house and like the dog so texted her back 5 mins later and asked her to send me a pic of the dog in her bedroom (I was curious what it looked like). After an hour or so with no reply I sent a bad tempered text about how long it was taking so send a simple pic, she said she was at the supermarket buying dinner.

 

She could very well have been at the supermarket, but it was a stark reminder that I don't really trust that she's where she says she is. So I looked online at how you can share your location with your partner, she has an iPhone and I have an Android and it turns out Google maps have a feature that lets you share your location with specific people so asked her to set this up.

 

She's refused to do this. To me, if the situation were reversed and she'd asked me to do this I'd have absolutely zero problems letting her know exactly where I was at any time day or night, the only reason I can think of that I wouldn't want her to know my location would be if I was somehow trying to hide things from her. I'm due to meet her tomorrow evening to discuss this and the way I'm feeling is that if she doesn't agree to it the relationship is over, I have to be able to trust that my partner and if she wants to keep things secret then I don't see how I can.

 

Am I being stupid?

 

A few red flags for me:

 

--Two years to keep that is a long time. I can understand being cautious about someone you just met, but this is a long-term relationship.

 

--Her family was in on it, which means this was a topic of conversation and for whatever reason, they went along with it. That was a lot of cover up for something that is not really a big deal.

 

--There is something about you that made her not want to share her situation. Either you made her feel uncomfortable or she feared you would react negatively. That feeling was not out of nowhere. Your need to have all of her social media information may indicate you also have some things to work on for the next relationship. However, if she felt this need, she should have broken up with you a long time ago. Trust has been broken, not really because of the living situation, but the length of time and means she and her family went to, to hide it.

 

Sorry to hear about the break up.

  • Author
RileyS Member

RileyS

Posted
  • Author
Posted
A few red flags for me:

 

--Two years to keep that is a long time. I can understand being cautious about someone you just met, but this is a long-term relationship.

 

--Her family was in on it, which means this was a topic of conversation and for whatever reason, they went along with it. That was a lot of cover up for something that is not really a big deal.

 

--There is something about you that made her not want to share her situation. Either you made her feel uncomfortable or she feared you would react negatively. That feeling was not out of nowhere. Your need to have all of her social media information may indicate you also have some things to work on for the next relationship. However, if she felt this need, she should have broken up with you a long time ago. Trust has been broken, not really because of the living situation, but the length of time and means she and her family went to, to hide it.

 

Sorry to hear about the break up.

 

We've not actually broken up yet, we're going to give counselling a try first. I've confided in a friend who knows us both and he thinks I'm blowing things out of proportion

 

She told me that the main reason for not telling me was because I've made derogatory comments in the past about her sister and a few of her friends still living with their parents in their mid thirties. Now I wasn't being super critical of them and never said anything more than I found it a bit odd but this was obviously a sensitive issue for her and she decided to keep it hidden from me.

 

You're also right about there being something I'm doing that's contributed to it because she has said in the past that I've made her feel like whatever she does for me (like cooking meals for example) isn't good enough. That's not the case at all, I'm always polite and say how much I like or appreciate whatever she's done for me at the time but probably don't put enough feeling or enthusiasm in my praise for her, that's something I need to work on.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...