notsohappy Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 My quick sob story... Dating a girl, we are both divorced with small children. Relationship was perfect. SHe has a little bit of baggage, abusive marriage...got pregnant and "had" to get married. In fact the night she got pregnant is a little bit of the problem. SHe got drunk, her then-boyfriend and she had sex, she doesn't remember it, got pregnant and then married. Well we dated 4 months, all is great...no intercourse. Good sex life, but no intercourse. We had talked about waiting until marriage. Or at the very least making it a very special evening. We went out one night to a party, both had good amounts of alcohol, and did the deed. She has little or no recognition of the event. I remember some, but also have periods of no recall. I had no idea, nor did others who saw her immediately before we left the party, that she was so out of it. I feel I have basically awakened old memories (unintentionally) and have become her ex-husband. SHe now, because I can remember some, and she can remember basically none, blames me for taking advantage of her, breaking her trust, and exploiting vulnerability. She broke off the relationship, and has insisted on no contact. I am having a tough time dealing more with the fact that she won't listen to my reasoning. I know this relationship can still work. So far I have resisted contacting her. ANy advice? Or questions.
Beachgrl486 Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 It seems that she is taking out her past on you. I am sure physcolgically she is pretty messed up or she is just craving attention. It is one or the other. It seems to me you didnt do anything wrong. She is just as guilty as you are. She should be able to control how drunk she gets and her own actions. She is a grown woman. Do you want someone with that baggage? I would just play it cool. I wouldnt apologize though because you didnt do anything wrong. Let her know they you are sorry if she is upset but she is just as guilty as you. Dont let her take her past experiences out on you. I sounds like you have been a pretty understanding guy with her. My advice would to not let it drag you down and just go about your life.
ReluctantRomeo Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 Did you apologise? Or just argue your point? Bear in mind you agreed not to do the full on. But that you both made the mistake together. If already she knows you are sorry, then continue NC. If you have not apologised, then send her a card just saying you're sorry. Don't justify or blame, just say you're sorry that it happened and understand what a blow this is to her. And that it's a blow to you too. Once she knows you're sorry it happened, then this is a good test. If she can't forgive and trust, then forget her. Forgiveness and trust are crucial for any relationship to function in the long term. Quite apart from the fact that she now has a pattern of getting blind drunk, having sex and blaming her man. Re-examine in this light the stories she has told you about her ex.
Author notsohappy Posted August 2, 2005 Author Posted August 2, 2005 How long should I let the no contact thing go? Should I try and contact her at some point? I appreciate your advice. I knew the baggage was there, but was willing to take it on. I HAVE realized that if we get back together, that we will have a lot to work on.
Author notsohappy Posted August 2, 2005 Author Posted August 2, 2005 Hey reluctant romeo... Yes, I apologized...more than once. It actually took a bit of time for her to break up. At first she took some responsibility, then it shifted to all me.
kellydontwanttasleep Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 she also has a problem taking responsibility for her actions.
Merin Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by kellydontwanttasleep she also has a problem taking responsibility for her actions. Exactly.
New_Wife Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 Does she forget anything else she does when drunk, or just sex? Sounds a little fishy to me. Sorry, but I think there may be a bit of a fib/denial problem here. At the very least, someone ought to knock the drinking off.
Mr.positive Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 Just give it some time You didn't do anything wrong so dont worry about that. Girls don't listen to reasoning.
country gal Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 i think it might help her to talk to someone about these things. the chances of a healthy relationship with a person who carries this much baggage are very slim unless they take responsibility for their actions, and for their life in general. good luck!
Author notsohappy Posted August 2, 2005 Author Posted August 2, 2005 i think it might help her to talk to someone about these things. the chances of a healthy relationship with a person who carries this much baggage are very slim unless they take responsibility for their actions, and for their life in general. good luck! YOu know I have been thinking exactly that. If we get back together, something is going to have to be done.
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