Possessive Girlfriend?

[kendahke]

She came round last night and we talked. I told her that I won't accept her tantrums or her insane jealousy. We talked for hours and exchanged a lot of home truths. It all ended well on a high and we bid goodnight.

 

However, this morning, she phoned me up and told me she doesn't feel she needs to change and doesn't want me if I don't love her the way she is!

 

Manipulation. It's her go-to device when she can't get her way.

 

I knew she was feeling emotional and off balance and sure enough she phoned a few minutes after to apologise and keep to our arrangement to meet again tonight.

 

I do agree with most opinions here, of what I will accept and not, and coolheadedal has a point too. Yes she is very loving BUT she is also controlling.

 

About her:

She has a past history of abuse and rejection. She is VERY attractive and although was down emotionally and in appearance when I met her, she has become happier, sexier and frankly very exciting (both in the bedroom and to be with generally). She is a very warm and affectionate person but has these low-self esteem issues.

 

I am considering rather than a break-up, maybe a break, to let her think and decide what she really wants.

 

There is no such thing as a break. Nothing flourishes when it's neglected.

 

You already know what she wants: she wants to take over your life and tell you who you can be friends with. No one's sex is that good that you should put up with this.

 

You need to break up with her until she's gotten whole on her own. You cannot be the reason she does this--she's in her 50's--it's time for her to quit messing about and get these issues resolved. She needs to do it because she needs her life to be strong enough to stand on its own two feet so she never gets involved with someone else who will abuse her. Have you ever thought that the reason why she instigates all the time is because she expects and is used to abuse because that's what she equates with love?

 

Frankly, she needs a therapist and not a boyfriend. She needs a professional to help her get to the root of why she feels she needs to control. She also needs a professional to help her resolved her past issues because you aren't capable of doing that for her. You have no training in that area, unless you're a licensed therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist.

 

I had a previous relationship with a probable Borderline Personality Disordered GF who yoyo'ed between intense love one moment then pushing me away in the next, and I decided not to go there again.

 

 

It would seem as if you've gone there again with this woman

[dangerous]

Great feedback thank you.

I agree a break is not useful. We are either on or off.

 

On the subject of compatibility, yes either I accept her all-consuming demands and forfeit my outside interests. Possibly I can do this, BUT and its a big but, if we split in future (which is a distinct possibility) then I would have no friends and be alone and depressed. I don't want to go there again.

 

The alternative, where I sometimes carry out my outside interests, is my choice and frankly the only viable option for me. I will then wait and see whether she mellows or not.

 

As to why I am attracted to women like this.. its primarily appearance/sexual attraction. I have met many women who were balanced but no chemistry for me. And unfortunately my experience over the last 3 years of dating in my 50's is that most single women I meet are emotionally immature/have serious baggage/ hang-ups and although I have avoided some obvious incompatibilities, when I meet a woman who I find attractive and some shared interests then I feel its worth exploring whether compromise might work. I am myself after all far from perfect

 

My feeling currently is that the relationship has taken a dip, and doesn't feel as "sweet" as it did. If anything she is pulling away more, and I am resigned to letting her.

[dangerous]

Manipulation. It's her go-to device when she can't get her way.

 

 

 

There is no such thing as a break. Nothing flourishes when it's neglected.

 

You already know what she wants: she wants to take over your life and tell you who you can be friends with. No one's sex is that good that you should put up with this.

 

You need to break up with her until she's gotten whole on her own. You cannot be the reason she does this--she's in her 50's--it's time for her to quit messing about and get these issues resolved. She needs to do it because she needs her life to be strong enough to stand on its own two feet so she never gets involved with someone else who will abuse her. Have you ever thought that the reason why she instigates all the time is because she expects and is used to abuse because that's what she equates with love?

 

Frankly, she needs a therapist and not a boyfriend. She needs a professional to help her get to the root of why she feels she needs to control. She also needs a professional to help her resolved her past issues because you aren't capable of doing that for her. You have no training in that area, unless you're a licensed therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist.

 

 

 

It would seem as if you've gone there again with this woman

 

Perfectly summarised and I 100% agree!

[kendahke]

On the subject of compatibility, yes either I accept her all-consuming demands and forfeit my outside interests. Possibly I can do this, BUT and its a big but, if we split in future (which is a distinct possibility) then I would have no friends and be alone and depressed. I don't want to go there again.

 

What about those friends you went to have drinks with that set her hair on fire?

Staying with a manipulative person who wants to run all your friends away isn't the alternative, either. You won't be alone and depressed unless you carry yourself in that direction. Your interests have no friendly people that go along with them?

 

As to why I am attracted to women like this.. its primarily appearance/sexual attraction. I have met many women who were balanced but no chemistry for me. And unfortunately my experience over the last 3 years of dating in my 50's is that most single women I meet are emotionally immature/have serious baggage/ hang-ups and although I have avoided some obvious incompatibilities, when I meet a woman who I find attractive and some shared interests then I feel its worth exploring whether compromise might work. I am myself after all far from perfect

 

You said in your above post:

I had a previous relationship with a probable Borderline Personality Disordered GF who yoyo'ed between intense love one moment then pushing me away in the next, and I decided not to go there again.

 

Being with this woman isn't the price to pay. If she doesn't want to compromise--and she tipped her hand in this respect when she told you she wasn't going to change, then it's clear that you have huge incompatibilities with her. She only walked that back as a means to lull you back into a stupor, a.k.a. manipulation. She has no intention on following through with her walk back... she's manipulating you into staying right where you are and keeping things right where they are.

 

You being far from perfect isn't the issue: the issue is that you have a right to autonomy, to be social with your friends without having a manipulative girlfriend turn into your mother because she hasn't dealt with her past psychological issues. All of us are far from perfect; it still doesn't give us a right to control other people.

 

 

My feeling currently is that the relationship has taken a dip, and doesn't feel as "sweet" as it did. If anything she is pulling away more, and I am resigned to letting her.

 

No, your girlfriend showed her true hand to you and expects you to get rid of anyone else you know or else there will be continual hell to pay. That's not a dip--that's a tactical manipulation and threat.

 

Being with her and living out your life of quiet desperation, constantly walking on egg shells in order not to set her off isn't the answer.

[dangerous]

Today we met for a lunch coffee and we talked. I told her that I did not want us to have these arguments about our own friends and interests, that I would sometimes go out still but I still tried to reassure her that I was invested in our relationship and not trying to move away. I can't say she was especially easy to talk to but we got through it.

 

An hour later, while she was at work, I got this text:

"Hello sweetheart and thank you for being so considerate! Hopefully we can put it all behind us. I feel I need lots of time at weekends when I'm not rushing about so much, I'm sure you will understand this. I wont put any more pressure on you re our quality time together, ie feel free to see whatever friends you want to and I'll do the same. See you tonight x"

 

She later cancelled our evening meet as she had too much to do in the evening and also wanted an early night. I am due to see her tomorrow however due to a prearranged family gathering she wants me to attend.

 

hmmm. what to make of it? Will see..

[Zahara]

Today we met for a lunch coffee and we talked. I told her that I did not want us to have these arguments about our own friends and interests, that I would sometimes go out still but I still tried to reassure her that I was invested in our relationship and not trying to move away. I can't say she was especially easy to talk to but we got through it.

 

An hour later, while she was at work, I got this text:

"Hello sweetheart and thank you for being so considerate! Hopefully we can put it all behind us. I feel I need lots of time at weekends when I'm not rushing about so much, I'm sure you will understand this. I wont put any more pressure on you re our quality time together, ie feel free to see whatever friends you want to and I'll do the same. See you tonight x"

 

She later cancelled our evening meet as she had too much to do in the evening and also wanted an early night. I am due to see her tomorrow however due to a prearranged family gathering she wants me to attend.

 

hmmm. what to make of it? Will see..

 

She's just playing passive aggressive now. It's a pretty straightforward reaction from someone like her. It's her covert way of punishing you. Her way of gaining control over you and calling the shots.

 

You dealt with someone of similar patterns. It was an experience to learn from and avoid in the future. Unfortunately, it has not been a learning lesson for you.

 

If you tend to attract these types and chose to stay in these situations -- the onus is on you to figure out your own dysfunction.

Edited May 19, 2017 by Zahara

[preraph]

If you're still interested in getting together with women you find attractive, you have no business being in a committed relationship. Now I know it's not her because her fears are justified. You are cultivating these women for the future.

[dangerous]

If you're still interested in getting together with women you find attractive, you have no business being in a committed relationship. Now I know it's not her because her fears are justified. You are cultivating these women for the future.

 

Sorry I do not understand this comment?!

[whatnot]

My ex's ex was a serial cheater. Talk about jealous. I'm talkin' paranoia...

 

There was no filling that void....couldn't be done

 

Your mileage may vary..

 

What I learned from her is...jealousy is a lack of trust. A lack of trust, you do not want.

 

One man's life lesson

[whatnot]

It sounds like we could have some things in common. It's exciting, challenging, an ego boost, etc.....having the prettiest diamond in the store. And when you ask, "hmmm...I wonder what this is about...we shall see..." that's when you know you're good and "in"

 

Let the games begin my friend!

 

You already know it's fool's gold but the challenge of the puzzle may prove to alluring to resist.

Edited May 20, 2017 by whatnot

[elaine567]

2. Last night, I met another local friend, who I used to meet with every week and whom haven't seen for around 3 months, largely because I have been busy with work (evening shifts) and dedicating my time to my GF (yes intensive relationship).

 

Is this friend male or female?

[smackie9]

Dude she is just telling you what you want to hear. There is no way she's got a handle on it. It's abuse....they say they will behave, put on a mask to hide their emotions, and in time that mask falls off.

[smackie9]

 

 

And unfortunately my experience over the last 3 years of dating in my 50's is that most single women I meet are emotionally immature/have serious baggage/ hang-ups ............

 

There are plenty of age 40/50 something women who post the same thing about the men they have met.

[anduina]

She's just playing passive aggressive now. It's a pretty straightforward reaction from someone like her. It's her covert way of punishing you. Her way of gaining control over you and calling the shots.

 

You dealt with someone of similar patterns. It was an experience to learn from and avoid in the future. Unfortunately, it has not been a learning lesson for you.

 

If you tend to attract these types and chose to stay in these situations -- the onus is on you to figure out your own dysfunction.

Yes, you can't accuse her of subtlety, lol.

 

Are you drawn to women who play emotional games?

[kendahke]

Sorry I do not understand this comment?!

 

You're being accused of putting other women before this woman.

[elaine567]

Today we met for a lunch coffee and we talked. I told her that I did not want us to have these arguments about our own friends and interests, that I would sometimes go out still but I still tried to reassure her that I was invested in our relationship and not trying to move away. I can't say she was especially easy to talk to but we got through it.

 

An hour later, while she was at work, I got this text:

"Hello sweetheart and thank you for being so considerate! Hopefully we can put it all behind us. I feel I need lots of time at weekends when I'm not rushing about so much, I'm sure you will understand this. I wont put any more pressure on you re our quality time together, ie feel free to see whatever friends you want to and I'll do the same. See you tonight x"

 

She later cancelled our evening meet as she had too much to do in the evening and also wanted an early night. I am due to see her tomorrow however due to a prearranged family gathering she wants me to attend.

 

hmmm. what to make of it? Will see..

 

She has put her case, you are not open to her way of thinking, so she is stepping back.

She is entitled to her opinion, just as you are.

I guess she doesn't want to make a fuss, so is bowing out gracefully.

 

As you have not answered my question, I guess your friend #2 was a female. If that is true, I think you may find it difficult to find many 50 yo woman looking for something serious who will put up with that.

[healing light]

She's just playing passive aggressive now. It's a pretty straightforward reaction from someone like her. It's her covert way of punishing you. Her way of gaining control over you and calling the shots.

 

This 100%. Super transparent manipulation tactics. Dump this woman, it will only get worse. There is nothing to reason in a conversation, nothing to rationalize--because her behavior is abusive and irrational. You give her antics legitimacy when you address them as if they're normal. It's not.

 

I have a sister who got involved with one of these types of men. Guess what? He eventually made her cut off both my mother and me because he was jealous that we were close. It's been 8 years since I've had a conversation with her. From the few people who have been permitted to talk to her, she spends most of her time alone as a recluse in a house in a secluded area.

[healing light]

Given that you're in your 50s, do you really want to shave off years of your life from managing the stress this woman brings?

[dangerous]

Is this friend male or female?

 

Male.

 

She has put her case, you are not open to her way of thinking, so she is stepping back.

She is entitled to her opinion, just as you are.

I guess she doesn't want to make a fuss, so is bowing out gracefully.

 

As you have not answered my question, I guess your friend #2 was a female. If that is true, I think you may find it difficult to find many 50 yo woman looking for something serious who will put up with that.

 

She has indeed stepped back. However I do not feel that I have been unreasonable.

 

You're being accused of putting other women before this woman.

 

Thanks for the clarification. I can't see how some people automatically assumed I was seeing other women.

 

Yes, you can't accuse her of subtlety, lol.

 

Are you drawn to women who play emotional games?

 

Lol, the short answer is I didn't think so. However, the 3 significant relationships I had were all common themes in that the women were VERY loving and intense, but then switched to cold after a time. I feel I go in with an open mind and give people a chance. Maybe I need to be more careful

 

Dude she is just telling you what you want to hear. There is no way she's got a handle on it. It's abuse....they say they will behave, put on a mask to hide their emotions, and in time that mask falls off.

 

Given that you're in your 50s, do you really want to shave off years of your life from managing the stress this woman brings?

 

This is going through my mind too. I want my relationship to be fun and supportive (for both parties) and it has been up until recently but its not now so I am indeed questioning it. I notice also that when a relationship gets to this stage, i.e. when we tell eachother we are making eachother unhappy and she doesn't seem to be prepared to compromise/let the issues go, then its doomed? I had hoped that we could work it out, I am the kind of guy who doesn't hold on to the negative and tries to move on to positive asap, which is what I've done here but she won't let it go.

 

When I've seen her this weekend, even though I've done things important for her (eg. I went with her to meet her grandchildren) she has since rejected my invitation to sleep over at mine, or meet me for dinner the night before my day away. Her words now are much less affectionate too. It definitely feels like she is pulling away (to protect herself) even though she has said recently to me "don't ever leave me" and "I love you so much". It doesn't feel good right now, and although I yearn for the sweet times again with her, I am thinking her personality (disorder) is real and too great for her/us to overcome. I would prefer to talk to her about it, but from recent experience she just gets hurt/clams up/ gets hostile etc.

 

Is there any hope?

[elaine567]

This is going through my mind too. I want my relationship to be fun and supportive (for both parties) and it has been up until recently but its not now so I am indeed questioning it. I notice also that when a relationship gets to this stage, i.e. when we tell eachother we are making eachother unhappy and she doesn't seem to be prepared to compromise/let the issues go, then its doomed? I had hoped that we could work it out, I am the kind of guy who doesn't hold on to the negative and tries to move on to positive asap, which is what I've done here but she won't let it go.

 

When I've seen her this weekend, even though I've done things important for her (eg. I went with her to meet her grandchildren) she has since rejected my invitation to sleep over at mine, or meet me for dinner the night before my day away. Her words now are much less affectionate too. It definitely feels like she is pulling away (to protect herself) even though she has said recently to me "don't ever leave me" and "I love you so much". It doesn't feel good right now, and although I yearn for the sweet times again with her, I am thinking her personality (disorder) is real and too great for her/us to overcome. I would prefer to talk to her about it, but from recent experience she just gets hurt/clams up/ gets hostile etc.

 

Is there any hope?

 

You having friends and doing stuff on your own is a deal breaker for her.

I guess she was in one of those coupley coupley relationships previously where everything is done as a couple and they spend all their time together and she wants to recreate that.

OR she ended up alone and lonely at home whilst her previous partner spent all his time with his friends and she just doesn't want to go there again.

She wants someone to prioritise her this time and you are not obviously the man to do that so she is disentangling herself from you.

She will be your friend, but not your lover.

 

I am not sure where you are getting "personality disorder" from?

[coolheadal]

Today we met for a lunch coffee and we talked. I told her that I did not want us to have these arguments about our own friends and interests, that I would sometimes go out still but I still tried to reassure her that I was invested in our relationship and not trying to move away. I can't say she was especially easy to talk to but we got through it.

 

An hour later, while she was at work, I got this text:

"Hello sweetheart and thank you for being so considerate! Hopefully we can put it all behind us. I feel I need lots of time at weekends when I'm not rushing about so much, I'm sure you will understand this. I wont put any more pressure on you re our quality time together, ie feel free to see whatever friends you want to and I'll do the same. See you tonight x"

 

She later cancelled our evening meet as she had too much to do in the evening and also wanted an early night. I am due to see her tomorrow however due to a prearranged family gathering she wants me to attend.

 

hmmm. what to make of it? Will see..

 

I am in one of these myself where the woman won't talk to me when I call she'll quickly rush me off the phone okay goodbye she doesn't want to talk. So later for her I having a life without her dysfunctional personalities and massive behavior issues. We men don't need this nonsense in our life. She told you she'll do the same wow what a comeback to get you jealous. But stand your ground. You attract women like this too like me. I wonder why I try everything else but these always connect with me. I done with these type, and when they do come along I exit out quick.

 

You're putting up with it for a reason. She'll never change into what you want her to be, because of her past relationship has damaged her. Mine her ext husband #2 did her in badly. He was a lousy husband and now i have lousy girl friend or maybe I should call her a friend only.

 

For you just have to decide to keep going like this or stick it out with her talking to her will never change your mind. She'll say anything you want to hear. Don't fall for it. Day-by-day things will be great and things will be sad to worst. Does she take anything for her mood swings. In the end she might drive you away. If you weak man you keep this up and if your a strong man you'll get out of this relationship for good.

 

I stay not because I am week but I feel sorry for her but since I don't live with her I live on my own, I doing whatever pleases me. We men waste too much time over women who act like this. Why should just waste it. No move on find a other one that not so aggressive or possessive. But to me they are all the same. The good women are the ones that already married still have many kids and with the same guy living the perfect life. What's out there are the damage goods the women who were abused emotionally, mentally and sometimes psychically. I feel sorry for these types but I can't deal with it again.

 

Right now I re-thinking what to do next.. But I doing other things where I don't have to think about this. You are going ahead to see your friends, work and etc. That's really all you can do with her now. See where it goes, but don't give in so much think what she does or doesn't do. If you not happy to the point to where you see it's not going to change, then decide to pull out!

[caitlinf33]

I am 51, I was married and went through all types of nightmare relationships in my life. One thing was clear when I ended up single again a few years ago, it's that the next man in my life was going to enhance my life and not be making it more difficult.

 

Not to hijack this thread but being back on the dating scene after a long and unhappy marriage, just had to say this is the best piece of advice I've heard so far! Thanks, Gaeta, for this nugget of wisdom!!!

[kendahke]

 

Thanks for the clarification. I can't see how some people automatically assumed I was seeing other women.

 

No problem.

 

With some people, projection and speculation are just as good as the truth.

[smackie9]

 

 

 

she has said recently to me "don't ever leave me" and "I love you so much". It doesn't feel good right now, and although I yearn for the sweet times again with her, I am thinking her personality (disorder) is real and too great for her/us to overcome. I would prefer to talk to her about it, but from recent experience she just gets hurt/clams up/ gets hostile etc.

 

Is there any hope?

Don't ever leave me and I love you so much is no different than them threatening to kill themselves if you leave them.....that is the manipulation. That isn't showing that she is caring/affectionate. It's how they control you. Dude I have been there. I too had a possessive BF. I mistaken possessiveness as an act of true love....not. Of course things were amazing at first....it reared it's ugly head when he knew I was locked in emotionally. I tried to make it work for 2 years....it got worse and worse. The only answer was to walk away.

[dangerous]

Not to hijack this thread but being back on the dating scene after a long and unhappy marriage, just had to say this is the best piece of advice I've heard so far! Thanks, Gaeta, for this nugget of wisdom!!!

 

Right now I re-thinking what to do next.. But I doing other things where I don't have to think about this. You are going ahead to see your friends, work and etc. That's really all you can do with her now. See where it goes, but don't give in so much think what she does or doesn't do. If you not happy to the point to where you see it's not going to change, then decide to pull out!

 

We spent a lot of time together on Monday eve/Tuesday morning and lots was said: She is saying she wants to cool things down , as she knows she gets possessive when she gets close and 'vulnerable'. Whilst she adheres to her position that I was inconsiderate in going out instead of being with her "without checking first", she accepts that its reasonable for me to see my friends and she wants to do the same sometimes (and which I have no issue with).

 

She says that our idea of living together is too early - and I agree with her. I've said that ultimately it is my aim, but we both have to feel ready for this. She admits that she is in a very challenging place at the moment emotionally, and that she needs to take things slower. I'm happy enough with that as I have a business to try to focus on too.

 

I guess for me it feels a bit strange, in that we have been very close for these first 6 months and now we are standing back a bit. It makes sense and is the sensible thing but it feels a bit weird right now as its a difficult balancing act as we ae both such emotional people.

 

Anyway, I went away for the day as planned the next day to see my (male) friend and it did me a load of good = rest, change of scene, support of an ld friend, and space to strategise for my business. My GF managed to organise a 'girls' night out' which she thoroughly enjoyed too. Everything seems calm and friendly right now and we are meeting for a lunchtime coffee later as I am working the next two evenings so we won't spend any lengthy time together until the weekend.

 

Does this all sound more balanced? Or is it sliding away I wonder?