dangerous Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 I have been with my GF for 6 months and while I recognise she has insecurities and low self esteem, her possessiveness has recently become a problem. We are both in our 50's and obviously have our own baggage, friends and family, however a couple of events have happened which I am unsure how to deal with: 1. Next week, I am travelling to my home town to see an old (male) friend. I have the day off work. my girlfriend does not. I won't be able to meet my GF in the evening although we will see eachother on the day before or after. My GF has accused me of being selfish and putting my needs and those of my friends above her. 2. Last night, I met another local friend, who I used to meet with every week and whom haven't seen for around 3 months, largely because I have been busy with work (evening shifts) and dedicating my time to my GF (yes intensive relationship). Even though we spent the day together (she had the day off) and she had an engagement between 4-6pm, she has created hell because I am not free to see her after 6. I offered to cancel my friend but she then accused me of putting her second best - I can't win! Anyway I went to see my friend but my GF is sulking still (last night and today so far). I hope it is all a 'storm in a teacup' but I think its highlighted her insecurities which are manifesting into controlling behaviour and even jealousy. Anyone else had similar experiences?
d0nnivain Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 You need to be gentle but firm. Sit her down & explain that she's acting & reacting like a teenage girl. Do text her something flirty while you are out of town. Perhaps bring her a trinket or a flower the next time you see her after being away but don't put up with these self absorbed temper tantrums. 1
PegNosePete Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 Wow, she sounds like a genuine stage 5 clinger. You can't even go out for one night with your mates? This will only get worse with time. The more you capitulate, the more she will clamp down on you. I would sit her down and tell her that she is not being rational. That it is perfectly normal and healthy for both partners in a relationship to have other friends and to spend time with other people. If she can't understand that then you should RUN. 7
Author dangerous Posted May 18, 2017 Author Posted May 18, 2017 Perhaps I wasn't clear, we live very near and we see each-other almost every day (even if its a quick coffee in the day. I have tried to contact her by phone and invited her round but she's evasive and insists on texting only. She IS behaving like a spoilt teenager and I have frankly run out of attempts to pacify her. She even texted me today from work asking me who one of my FB friends is! She is very insecure. Although my temptation is to continue trying to reassure (co-dependency) I think I ought to tell her to stop this nonsense and give her time to work it our for herself.. Just saw PegnosePete's post and I agree.
Gaeta Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 In your 50s this is the type of woman you want for yourself? I am 51, I was married and went through all types of nightmare relationships in my life. One thing was clear when I ended up single again a few years ago, it's that the next man in my life was going to enhance my life and not be making it more difficult. I have searched for a long time but I found him. No jealousy, no insecurities, no bulls%t, no lies, no disrespect, no inconsideration, no short temper, no control, no manipulation! People with a good head on their shoulder do exist. You need to find yourself one. When we've reached a certain age it's enough to deal with people full of BS. 8
Gillys Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 My ex was like that at times but she was only 25. Honestly, 99% of our disagreements were due to her possessiveness. I had to repeatedly stress to her that its not healthy for 2 adults to spend every second together and that my time, friendships and hobbies were important to. We almost broke up 6 months in because she would get mad at me wanting to do things that didn't involve her (studying, gym, visiting family, etc.) It took a lot of discussion about boundaries and complementing/ encouraging her on her individual hobbies and outside friendships. It was hands down the most stressful and intense relationship I've ever been in because it always felt like I was compromising. Try to talk to her now before it gets out of control. There are plenty of women out there who aren't insecure and can survive without her man around 24/7.
victoria88 Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 (edited) I hope it is all a 'storm in a teacup' but I think its highlighted her insecurities which are manifesting into controlling behaviour and even jealousy. Anyone else had similar experiences? When she feels this way, remind her that you love her (and only her)!!! This is what makes women unsecure -they wonder if there is someone else in your life (for the romantic people I add : also in your heart)... Jealousy (from a romantic point of view): I can write a book. I am glad no one has seen my face when I look at the man I am in love with to talk to another woman... So, listen to my advice: remind her every day or often how much she means to you (she must mean everything). This would calm down everyone who is unsecure (or jealous)!!!! Good luck! Edited May 18, 2017 by victoria88
Zahara Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 It's only been 6 months and you have to deal with this kind of behavior. Huge red flag. This level of neediness and control will only tear you down in the long run. She sounds like the kind that constantly needs to be reassured due to her own insecurities. Draining. Talk to her, enforce boundaries and give yourself a timeline. If her irrationality remains, it would be time to leave. In my late 40s -- I would not want to waste my years in a relationship that has me walking on eggshells. Too old for that kind of drama. 2
smackie9 Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 She's in her 50's, if she hasn't grown out of this kind of behavior by now, she will always be this way. I agree this is mental illness that she herself needs to address on her own. I doubt very highly she will ever listen you you or anyone that she has a problem. You can try and broach the subject...if she wigs out, that's will be your answer. This is why we date....to find out what the are truly like as a partner....she fails. Time to cut the cord. 4
stillafool Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 I couldn't put up with that level of neediness and jealousy from an 15 year old much less someone who is 50. If you are going thru this after 6 mos I can only imagine how much worse it's going to get. You can't constantly reassure her of how you feel to combat her jealousy. That's draining, not fair to you and in no time you will be sick of her. She's the one who needs therapy to address her issues. I would not handle her with kit gloves but let her know with no uncertainty that you will not put up with this type of abuse. 2
kendahke Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 (edited) I have been with my GF for 6 months and while I recognise she has insecurities and low self esteem, her possessiveness has recently become a problem. We are both in our 50's and obviously have our own baggage, friends and family, however a couple of events have happened which I am unsure how to deal with: 1. Next week, I am travelling to my home town to see an old (male) friend. I have the day off work. my girlfriend does not. I won't be able to meet my GF in the evening although we will see eachother on the day before or after. My GF has accused me of being selfish and putting my needs and those of my friends above her. 2. Last night, I met another local friend, who I used to meet with every week and whom haven't seen for around 3 months, largely because I have been busy with work (evening shifts) and dedicating my time to my GF (yes intensive relationship). Even though we spent the day together (she had the day off) and she had an engagement between 4-6pm, she has created hell because I am not free to see her after 6. I offered to cancel my friend but she then accused me of putting her second best - I can't win! Anyway I went to see my friend but my GF is sulking still (last night and today so far). I hope it is all a 'storm in a teacup' but I think its highlighted her insecurities which are manifesting into controlling behaviour and even jealousy. Anyone else had similar experiences? No because I nip this mess in the bud and do not bother with clearly disturbed people. Her insecurities and low self esteem are her heavy lift, not yours. She needs a therapist more than she needs a boyfriend... and she can buy a device to take care of what the therapist can't. Seriously... life is too short for BS. This isn't "love and passion". This is bald faced manipulation, pure and simple. Edited May 18, 2017 by kendahke 3
preraph Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 If these are truly just friends and not female friends or exes, she is so insecure that she is only comfortable with having you all to herself and isolated, and that is abuse. If any of these are women you are seeing alone or exes, then she has reason to not like it. Otherwise, you should not let her isolate you and control you and run off all your friends. That's massive insecurity beyond your control that would take some years of therapy for her to fix. Don't sentence yourself to a lifetime of this. 2
Miss Peach Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 I wouldn't be able to put up with that either but my BF and I have gone through some similar discussions. I have been hurt on the following occasions. If you're doing stuff like this I could understand her side. If not, then it may be she's too clingy and intense for you. 1. When something big was going on and he put other things above my big event (i.e., family coming to town) or he had something big and didn't think to invite me. 2. When he changed plans or cancelled plans on me last minute to do other things. It started becoming a pattern I almost left him over. Finally he got the message before it was too late. Then, yes, it felt like he was putting other things above me. I personally don't have an issue with BF having a separate life but it wasn't cool to cancel on me last minute to hang out with a friend who lives in town and can see any time. If it hadn't been a pattern and it was a friend he hadn't seen in 20 years who was going to be in town for one night only then it would have been "Go have fun".
selinaluv Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 I have been with my GF for 6 months and while I recognise she has insecurities and low self esteem, her possessiveness has recently become a problem. We are both in our 50's and obviously have our own baggage, friends and family, however a couple of events have happened which I am unsure how to deal with What is her story? Where is this coming from? Was she hurt by a previous relationship/ex/someone who cheated, etc? Or is this just who she is? The first could be worked through, the second probably not so much. I have been in the first camp and didn't even get to that point. I prefer my independence and expect him to feel the same. That is what people do in a healthy relationship. Sounds like she can't make that happen in this case and it may become even more of an issue down the road. Imagine if this was your friend. What would you tell him?
OatsAndHall Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 I would suggest having a firm discussion with her about the situation. I wouldn't sugar-coat it either as this kind of behavior is not mature and it is not conducive to a healthy relationship. I don't handle neediness well, at all. It is a serious turn-off for me and it will become a deal breaker for me if it isn't resolved. 3
coolheadal Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 (edited) I have been with my GF for 6 months and while I recognise she has insecurities and low self esteem, her possessiveness has recently become a problem. We are both in our 50's and obviously have our own baggage, friends and family, however a couple of events have happened which I am unsure how to deal with: 1. Next week, I am travelling to my home town to see an old (male) friend. I have the day off work. my girlfriend does not. I won't be able to meet my GF in the evening although we will see eachother on the day before or after. My GF has accused me of being selfish and putting my needs and those of my friends above her. 2. Last night, I met another local friend, who I used to meet with every week and whom haven't seen for around 3 months, largely because I have been busy with work (evening shifts) and dedicating my time to my GF (yes intensive relationship). Even though we spent the day together (she had the day off) and she had an engagement between 4-6pm, she has created hell because I am not free to see her after 6. I offered to cancel my friend but she then accused me of putting her second best - I can't win! Anyway I went to see my friend but my GF is sulking still (last night and today so far). I hope it is all a 'storm in a teacup' but I think its highlighted her insecurities which are manifesting into controlling behaviour and even jealousy. Anyone else had similar experiences? I am her as a man I am sorry to say.. But you tolerate this my friend so what your going to do? I see you still go and met your friends because you want too. Yet she's either crying or very upset with you because you gone behind her back and didn't give in to her wants and needs. She's needy, clingy, and wants you badly. Now is that a bad thing no, but most here will say yes. It depends on her behavior. No one wants to be on their own for several hours. she's hooked on you 100%. You do not like that. So you either deal with that or just let it go. Can't have your time away from her she needs to be with you 100%. There are people out there would wants that 100% and it sounds like your not one of them. Does she have any pets, friends, ,kids, someone she can talk or hangout with when your not around? Are you the only source she has for company? I live on my own, not by choice but family is passed on, friends are married and have their own wives to deal with who are clingy and needy as well. They can't get away. I have to go and meet them at their job to hangout with when I can do that. I rather be on my own for now. I am okay with it. Doesn't really bother me. The women I date have all sorts of mental issues. So until I weed them out I am on my own. But you have someone that loves you and you love her. You have to decide on this one because we here can only suggest what you should do or not. But the final answer is yours. If it was me I would be so overwhelm and welcome her attention to be with me always. I wouldn't complain about it and make the effort to give it back to her. You know if anything happens to her what would you do, how would you feel. Think about that my friend. It goes both ways. Are those friends you have more important to you than her. Just maybe you should think about that. I say you are not ready for a woman like her in your life. You want a woman that is independent and carefree instead of intense not independent woman. Edited May 19, 2017 by coolheadal
Author dangerous Posted May 19, 2017 Author Posted May 19, 2017 (edited) She came round last night and we talked. I told her that I won't accept her tantrums or her insane jealousy. We talked for hours and exchanged a lot of home truths. It all ended well on a high and we bid goodnight. However, this morning, she phoned me up and told me she doesn't feel she needs to change and doesn't want me if I don't love her the way she is! I knew she was feeling emotional and off balance and sure enough she phoned a few minutes after to apologise and keep to our arrangement to meet again tonight. I do agree with most opinions here, of what I will accept and not, and coolheadedal has a point too. Yes she is very loving BUT she is also controlling. About her: She has a past history of abuse and rejection. She is VERY attractive and although was down emotionally and in appearance when I met her, she has become happier, sexier and frankly very exciting (both in the bedroom and to be with generally). She is a very warm and affectionate person but has these low-self esteem issues. I am considering rather than a break-up, maybe a break, to let her think and decide what she really wants. I had a previous relationship with a probable Borderline Personality Disordered GF who yoyo'ed between intense love one moment then pushing me away in the next, and I decided not to go there again. We'll see how this plays out over the weekend.. Edited May 19, 2017 by dangerous 1
PegNosePete Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 I am considering rather than a break-up, maybe a break, to let her think and decide what she really wants. She has already decided exactly what she wants. She wants to carry on acting just as she is, like someone 1/3 of her age, and she wants you to capitulate to her every whim. Like I said originally, if you do, this will only get worse. If you allow, she will isolate you from all your friends and hobbies and you will have nothing in your life except for her. That is not healthy. I had a previous relationship with a probable Borderline Personality Disordered GF who yoyo'ed between intense love one moment then pushing me away in the next, and I decided not to go there again. And yet, here you are, with another emotionally unstable woman, making unreasonable demands, and you're considering continuing the relationship -- because she's hot. smh... 7
act00 Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 You describe two incidences, but I'm guessing there are several, smaller instances of this neediness and jealousy that are smaller, and possibly harder to describe. You stated that for a good three months you didn't go out with your friend(s) due to work and investing free time with her. It's natural for a relationship to shift back to a more normal routine after about three months when the honeymoon phase drops and reality picks up. I can imagine a level of insecurity when you'd like to get back to going out with the guys again without her, but this is normal and she should be okay with it, as long as you aren't blowing her off repeatedly. You see each other so often, it's a little troublesome that she can't give you one night alone. Again, I wonder what other types of controlling behavior she exhibits but you do not share. It's more than these two instances. Isolation is a major thing, after having gone through an abusive relationship, and at some point, you realize you have dropped everything. It happens slowly, and the level of contention is just so easily avoided if you don't do it, and then you realize, you never do anything anymore, and your friends are gone. If you go out with a buddy and she pouts and gets angry, you stop going out to avoid the backlash. If you bring her along with your friends or family, she behaves annoyed or there's more contention because she doesn't like so-and-so or she doesn't like the activity, so you avoid taking her with you...but you can't go out without her due to the consequences. Where does that leave you? This is worrisome for me. I think you really need to pay attention here and be cautious.
Redhead14 Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 You should end it for the simple reason that you two are not compatible in terms of needs and neither of you should have to change so significantly for one another. Either the "way" each of you are works for the other or it doesn't. She needs a man who will pour all of himself into the relationship at his own expense, in which case, she will have the co-dependent relationship she apparently needs . . . Tell her that, even though you do love her, you can't give her whats she wants and needs and that if you did do exactly what she wants all the time, you won't be happy. Tell her that relationships need to "breathe" and you are feeling smothered. 1
stillafool Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 And yet, here you are, with another emotionally unstable woman, making unreasonable demands, and you're considering continuing the relationship -- because she's hot. smh... This is the case with a lot of men unfortunately, looks over ride bad behavior. Everyone feels they have had some type of abuse and rejection in life from someone but it is never an excuse for bad behavior. Especially when you're 50.
Gaeta Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 About her: She has a past history of abuse and rejection. She is VERY attractive and although was down emotionally and in appearance when I met her, she has become happier, sexier and frankly very exciting (both in the bedroom and to be with generally). She is a very warm and affectionate person but has these low-self esteem issues. I am considering rather than a break-up, maybe a break, to let her think and decide what she really wants. I had a previous relationship with a probable Borderline Personality Disordered GF who yoyo'ed between intense love one moment then pushing me away in the next, and I decided not to go there again. We'll see how this plays out over the weekend.. Until you understand that attractive, sexy and exciting isn't a base to built a fulfilling relationship on you will keep on going from sexy dysfunctional women to another. You probably have never been in a relationship with an emotionally mature woman so you think all this crap is normal. It's not. Before trying to fix her I think you need to fix yourself and the reason why you are attracted toward those women. There is no such a thing as a 'break' in a relationship, You are together or you're not. A break will accomplish what? She'll suddenly realize what she's losing and change? Nah! She'll come back and start the same old cycle after a while. 2
Redhead14 Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 She has a past history of abuse and rejection. She is VERY attractive and although was down emotionally and in appearance when I met her, she has become happier, sexier and frankly very exciting (both in the bedroom and to be with generally). She is a very warm and affectionate person but has these low-self esteem issues. she has become happier, sexier and frankly very exciting (both in the bedroom and to be with generally) If she is struggling with such significant issues as you describe, she is not happier, sexier, etc. Women like this one are "chameleons" -- "sure enough she phoned a few minutes after to apologise and keep to our arrangement to meet again tonight." They will change themselves to try to accommodate/keep a man and sex is usually the one thing they think will keep a man around . . . especially if they are sensing that the man is losing interest or unhappy, etc. 2
elaine567 Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 To some people a relationship that excludes all others apart from maybe close family is what they want and I guess your gf is one of those. She has made that clear, she sees no need to change. You were "perfect" when you were working and not seeing others. Now you want some "freedom", she is unhappy and causing friction, as that is not the future she envisaged with you. Some see having close friends past adolescence is a sign of immaturity and insecurity, not the other way round. They see friends as "trouble" and do not want them complicating their relationships This is not going to be solved by a little reassuring talk. I guess this is NOT about cheating or insecurity, this is a basic clash of opinions about what a relationship is, and due to her age, I see no possibility of a compromise here. She wants you all to herself, and you want to be able to see your friends. This cannot work. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 And, if you do decide to ask for a break, you do it with specifics -- "I think we should take a break so that we both can reflect and consider whether we can continue a relationship with each other. I'd like to meet again on Xday -- two weeks from today -- at Xplace and Xtime to discuss this and make a decision or at least make a compromise if possible. During this time we will not communicate in any way and we will not see other people". And, when you do meet, she needs to say something a long the lines of "you know, Xname, I do realize that I haven't been behaving like a mature, independent secure woman and the time apart has made me realize. I'd like to move forward, if you feel you can, and I'll make the effort to respect your need for space and "me time" once in a while. I'll need that too sometimes". I suspect, though, that she will "lose her mind" and not respect the boundary or intent of the break. In other words, I think it would be a waste of time and create a ton of additional drama that will sure kill every possibility for a relationship.
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