sanjose Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 I have been divorced for about 3 years. Was married for 22 years. I've dated off and on but never really connected with anyone. About a year ago, I met someone who I really connected with. Never had a connection with anyone like this - not even the ex. We haven't done anything intimate. We have mutual friends so we met through them. We got to know each other really well. She's in an unhappy marriage and it has been like that for a long time - before I entered the picture. She wasn't looking to meet anyone, it just happened (cliche).The husband said he wants a divorce(it was said in marriage counseling). She does too. I don't like the idea of being the "other guy" but we make each other happy. So my questions is - should I ride the relationship out and wait for the separation/ divorce or am I just an idiot for thinking like this and getting involved in the first place? Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 If theyre openly talking divorce, i think you should give it a shot, just try to keep honest communication going with her. She might need a little time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 (edited) I have been divorced for about 3 years. Was married for 22 years. I've dated off and on but never really connected with anyone. About a year ago, I met someone who I really connected with. Never had a connection with anyone like this - not even the ex. We haven't done anything intimate. We have mutual friends so we met through them. We got to know each other really well. She's in an unhappy marriage and it has been like that for a long time - before I entered the picture. She wasn't looking to meet anyone, it just happened (cliche).The husband said he wants a divorce(it was said in marriage counseling). She does too. I don't like the idea of being the "other guy" but we make each other happy. So my questions is - should I ride the relationship out and wait for the separation/ divorce or am I just an idiot for thinking like this and getting involved in the first place? If she is truly getting a D, no, you're not an idiot for wanting to wait. However, be warned, this is cheater script 101. "Everyone" who cheats is getting a D, their H/W has nothing to offer, they have no love in the marriage, they have a sexless relationship. My W said stuff like this to her AP (and he to her). None of it was true. We were having sex most nights. I was deeply in love with her. We spent move evenings planning our future together. She never filed paperwork, or even talked to lawyer. So, be warned, "I'm getting a D" is, in many cases, a complete fabrication used by the married person (or people) in an A to keep their affair partner around and interested. If I were you, I'd ask to see the D papers. Ask to know when her last meeting with the attorney was. Ask what she's going to do about housing arrangements. Try to figure out if "I'm getting a D" actually means "I want you and my H, and this is the easiest way to get it" or if it means she is actually getting a D. Edited May 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~T 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 Wait and see. Keep your distance as much as possible. If you can possibly help it, you don't want to get heavily invested in thinking of her right now. Even if they are on their way to a lawyer right now to draw up papers, there's going to be a lot of complication and stress and she'll be very busy and distracted (and might even change her mind midway through). You do not want to be building a relationship during that kind of storm, it makes it too likely that when the chaos eases your dynamic would be totally altered and probably fall apart. And that's IF they're actually going through with a split, rather than just saying that they have problems which might NEVER lead to anything. I know (god do I know) that it's not always that easy. But if you possibly can, keep your distance and don't get involved, tell her to end her marriage FIRST before you start dating seriously. If it's too late and you're already hopelessly in love, well, welcome to the pain train. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TwiceHurt Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 Someone else said the same thing, that "I'm in an unhappy marriage we are getting divorced" is something that is said a lot in affair situations. While it maybe true, it doesn't mean it's actually going to happen. If she is adamant that her and her husband agreed to divorce, then I think it's only polite and considerate for you to ask the husband's permission to date his wife. If she refuses to let you talk to him or he says no, then it doesn't matter how much you like her...she is still married and you shouldn't cross that boundary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 Even if she divorces she won't be totally ready to jump into a committed relationship. What was your experience divorcing immediately before, during, after? Were you ready for another full blown commitment before the ink on your divorce decree was signed? Sincere question and I'd like your perspective on this. For now, guard your heart. Welcome to LS. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sanjose Posted May 19, 2017 Author Share Posted May 19, 2017 HadMeOverABarrel I understand what you're saying. I was married 22 years but the marriage was over long before that. There was no physical or emotional connection from both of us. She filed for the divorce. I wanted to try a 6 month separation. We went to MC and we each had a IC that we saw. Once the divorce was filed, I felt that it was a sign that it was what we both inevitably wanted. After the divorce, the last thing I was thinking about was a relationship. Worked on getting myself where I needed to be emotionally, financially, and physically. When I met this woman, the last thing on my mind was "hey, I want another long term relationship". We spent a lot of time talking over the year and we both feel that we have a connection. Could it be that that is what we both needed? I don't know. I dated other women after I met her but never had the same connection. I understand what you and the other members have said. If the divorce happens, it may be a **** show and everything will go out the window. I guess I'll have to wait and see. I'm going to set a deadline rather than remain the guy on the side. After the deadline, if nothing has changed, I will, regrettably, move on. Life just has that way of kicking you in the b***s sometimes. Doesn't it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 Yeah it does. Good times. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 Someone else said the same thing, that "I'm in an unhappy marriage we are getting divorced" is something that is said a lot in affair situations. While it maybe true, it doesn't mean it's actually going to happen. If she is adamant that her and her husband agreed to divorce, then I think it's only polite and considerate for you to ask the husband's permission to date his wife. If she refuses to let you talk to him or he says no, then it doesn't matter how much you like her...she is still married and you shouldn't cross that boundary. I'd suggest the bolded Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 (edited) HadMeOverABarrel I understand what you're saying. I was married 22 years but the marriage was over long before that. There was no physical or emotional connection from both of us. She filed for the divorce. I wanted to try a 6 month separation. We went to MC and we each had a IC that we saw. Once the divorce was filed, I felt that it was a sign that it was what we both inevitably wanted. After the divorce, the last thing I was thinking about was a relationship. Worked on getting myself where I needed to be emotionally, financially, and physically. When I met this woman, the last thing on my mind was "hey, I want another long term relationship". We spent a lot of time talking over the year and we both feel that we have a connection. Could it be that that is what we both needed? I don't know. I dated other women after I met her but never had the same connection. I understand what you and the other members have said. If the divorce happens, it may be a **** show and everything will go out the window. I guess I'll have to wait and see. I'm going to set a deadline rather than remain the guy on the side. After the deadline, if nothing has changed, I will, regrettably, move on. Life just has that way of kicking you in the b***s sometimes. Doesn't it? Thanks so much for your sincere and candid response. I am on a truth seeking mission and learning much about marriage from LS and two of my closest friends who are now about half way through their divorce after 30 years together. My male friend quickly jumped into a live-in girlfriend situation about a month after he left the marital home, but he confides to me privately that she is way more into it than he...like this is just a layover for him until he can get himself together (girlfriend has helped him through this big time/has deeper feelings and unfortunately I think he will dump her when he is ready to stand on his own two feet). In my case, I'm trying to make sense of my xMM's "situation" as he called it. I've been slow to make a marital commitment for 20 years, but reading and learning on LS has given me insight on what decades long marital commitments look like. Still, it seems some stay for the benefits even when the love has all but dried up, while others pull themselves up by their bootstraps, leave the marriage, and seek happiness elsewhere. What makes the difference? Thanks for your two cents. I still say guard your heart, and thus your balls, until she can be fully available to you Walking away from xMM has been the most heart-wrenching, gut-wrenching experience despite having lived through many deaths and betrayals of loved ones, a decade long court battle, and more. Please also consider the possibility that you could enable her to stay in her marriage longer with you in her life. You temper any of the "bad" stuff in her marriage and make it tolerable. She can escape mentally to you when she is annoyed by H. I began to feel like this with xMM. I made him happy so he could go home and bring his happiness (and enthusiasm, sex, etc) to his wife. Guard your heart and best wishes!. Edited May 20, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel 1 Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 How is it they've both been miserable and unhappy for a long time but yet no one has filed for divorce? I'm afraid she is taking you for a ride here. The longer you stick around the harder it will be for you to quit her, regardless of whatever deadline you give her. Wisest to step back and ask her to get in touch when her divorce is final. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sanjose Posted May 21, 2017 Author Share Posted May 21, 2017 How is it they've both been miserable and unhappy for a long time but yet no one has filed for divorce? I'm afraid she is taking you for a ride here. The longer you stick around the harder it will be for you to quit her, regardless of whatever deadline you give her. Wisest to step back and ask her to get in touch when her divorce is final. You may be right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 The ex mm I was with even gave me a ring with a proposal and planned out how the finances would go with child support and the cost of him moving into an apartment until we would get married, how we would aclimate our kids to each other, if he would move here or I would move there, etc. It was all LIES. Be very careful and maybe work on the friendship and do not talk about a future together until her divorce is final... like no mention of any future life together until post divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 Do the right thing by her and you. Not the easy thing, but the right thing. Tell her the truth about how you feel about her (or repeat it if you have already told her). Tell her that because of how you feel, you want to do right by her. As such you will not see her or otherwise communicate until her divorce is final. This will allow her to deal with one issue at a time Risky? Yes. She could R with her H. Benefit to you? If she does R better to find out now than later after you have more of your heart invested in her If she seeks you out post D, then it's good. As others have pointed out, you have first hand knowledge of the disruption divorce causes. Let her settle those issues. I've never been in the exact same situation. But for years I thought about the one that got away and clearly remember our last sweet kiss before she married someone else. Twenty years later we met again. Both married with older kids. She's still sweet and beautiful. But she's still with him. I cannot imagine the heartbreak if I'd tried harder, been more mature, etc but lost her to him. Moral of lesson: don't rush things. If love exists both ways, things will work out. Link to post Share on other sites
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