DMVeep Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 (edited) I recently went on three dates with a woman. We have a lot in common and it seems like we could definitely be good friends. However, things just seem kind of flat, despite having very similar personalities. I'll be honest, she isn't the most attractive woman I've dated. However, I don't think it's just physical attraction. In a way, I feel like our personalities are so similar that it's just not exciting. There seems to just be a lack of energy and humor to the conversations. Conversely, I've dated women in the past with very little in common but I felt more energy/synergy. Given that we seem compatible, is it better to keep trying to see if chemistry develops or just tell her I'd rather just be friends? Edited May 17, 2017 by DMVeep
Titanll Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Flip a coin, OP. To answer your question. I think three dates is sufficient. I think one date is sufficient. Maybe there needs to be a rule that if you continue to date someone that you aren't really into and end up hurting them because you can't figure out your own feelings that you get flogged or something. May cut down on the amount of people that get their feelings hurt rather needlessly. 3
Author DMVeep Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 Flip a coin, OP. To answer your question. I think three dates is sufficient. I think one date is sufficient. Maybe there needs to be a rule that if you continue to date someone that you aren't really into and end up hurting them because you can't figure out your own feelings that you get flogged or something. May cut down on the amount of people that get their feelings hurt rather needlessly. I always feel very flustered in these scenarios. How do you tell someone sincerely, "You're really cool but I'm not interested romantically." 1
d0nnivain Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 My experience has always been that the chemistry was there in the 1st 3 minutes, never mind dates. Love develops over time not chemistry. 9
RecentChange Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Yeah I would say for me, I feel chemistry (if it's there) in the first conversations. And I am with you OP, it's hard when you like the person, but just not in that way. When I was younger I would taken the cowards way out and just drifted away. Later in life, I remember telling a guy "you seem like a really fun / cool dude, but I am sorry, I am just not feeling attracted to you". I went on to say that attraction is a really fickle thing for me, I wish I could control it, but I can't" He said he appreciated the honesty. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Flip a coin, OP. To answer your question. I think three dates is sufficient. I think one date is sufficient. Maybe there needs to be a rule that if you continue to date someone that you aren't really into and end up hurting them because you can't figure out your own feelings that you get flogged or something. May cut down on the amount of people that get their feelings hurt rather needlessly. Agreed. There is no time-table for chemistry. It could the first or 5th date. It is something you begin to recognize as soon as you meet. 1
olasp Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I am someone who take time to develop feelings. It takes time to open up to relax with someone. Dating makes you nervous. More couples would find each other if they had patience. Many people are friends for a long time before they realize they like each other. So I would say that you should give it one more time.
NTV Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 If you are that much like her then chances are you'd get along really well with one of her female friends.
todreaminblue Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 (edited) theres this song from the eighties called chemistry......heres some lyrics You sit and wait You stay at home You hesitate you end up alone But once in a long while if something comes your way You can wash it down the drain or make it your own Well don't waste it Don't throw it away If the chemistry is right If the chemistry is there If the chemistry is right If the chemistry is there i think chemistry is a rare thing soemthing that just feels familiar a sort of tell..a emotive rightness.....a wondering..curiousity....a knowing an actual familiarity and its felt pretty quickly if its in a natural state....you can ignore it....but i reckon if you feel chmeistry its something worth exploring its meant to be explored..... if you dont feel chemistry or that sense of rightness,curiosuity of knowing or familiarity...then i believe that chemistry can be created ...like a fusion collusion...yep poet at heart..... in my opinion chemistry is a state of the heart that is recognised by another heart...and itis actually...rare...most chemistry is created.....and doesnt exist naturally....so one date two dates or seventeen dates......its different for everyone....it can be naturally occurring(rarer) or created if you are into making an effort to create it.......deb Edited May 17, 2017 by todreaminblue 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I am someone who take time to develop feelings. It takes time to open up to relax with someone. Dating makes you nervous. More couples would find each other if they had patience. Many people are friends for a long time before they realize they like each other. So I would say that you should give it one more time. I don't know very many human beings who have control over HOW and WHAT they feel. How you express those feeling outwardly, of course, we can control that, but you can turn on/off your emotions? Taking time doesn't mean what and how you feel, rather, your actions in response to those emotions. I have found myself infatuated after the first date, but kept my actions at bay by factoring in objectivity. I think most people feel the chemistry early on whether they want to or choose how to act on them. 2
Titanll Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 I always feel very flustered in these scenarios. How do you tell someone sincerely, "You're really cool but I'm not interested romantically." Just like that. You sound like a nice guy. Just be honest and she will understand. 2
Titanll Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 I am someone who take time to develop feelings. It takes time to open up to relax with someone. Dating makes you nervous. More couples would find each other if they had patience. Many people are friends for a long time before they realize they like each other. So I would say that you should give it one more time. Possibly, but it sounds like a recipe for settling to me. 3
cominghome Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 Chemistry takes time for me. Never immediate. I need to feel an emotional connection before I feel the chemistry. It doesn't matter how perfect of a physical specimen or how intellectually stimulating they are. That's just all part of the fun. It's not the same as feeling that pull, being drawn towards a person. Having said that, I would never lead a guy on past three dates. Usually, by date two, I know the likelihood of feeling chemistry down the line with them. I write a nice message about what I genuinely think of them, and highlight the lack of natural chemistry present. Honestly, I often wonder how much my looks have to do with this chemistry equation. I have almost always been pursued past the first date.
joseb Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 I don't know if everyone is talking about the same thing here when they mention chemistry. For me it's just a very simple attraction that's either there or not pretty much immediately. Now, getting to like someone, click with them and all the rest. Sure, that can take more time. But that's not chemistry as I see it. The chemistry needs to be there before any of the rest will happen. And for me I know if it is in 3 minutes. 3
smackie9 Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 Everyone is different. I know within the first few mins if a second date was going to happen....most didn't make it that far. I don't settle for "waiting to see" if chemistry will take. To me that's a waste of time. 1
todreaminblue Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 I don't know if everyone is talking about the same thing here when they mention chemistry. For me it's just a very simple attraction that's either there or not pretty much immediately. Now, getting to like someone, click with them and all the rest. Sure, that can take more time. But that's not chemistry as I see it. The chemistry needs to be there before any of the rest will happen. And for me I know if it is in 3 minutes. for me chemistry feels like a click..... a fusion....deb
SevenCity Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 I don't know if everyone is talking about the same thing here when they mention chemistry. For me it's just a very simple attraction that's either there or not pretty much immediately. Now, getting to like someone, click with them and all the rest. Sure, that can take more time. But that's not chemistry as I see it. The chemistry needs to be there before any of the rest will happen. And for me I know if it is in 3 minutes. I agree. Chemistry to me is not sexual attraction or feelings. It's whether or not I feel comfortable with the woman, how the conversation flows, do I lose track of time, is the date fun or a chore. Feelings for me happen much later - usually after sex. Compatibility usually happens after even longer. My simple rule is if I'm excited to see them again I will. I know pretty quickly like 10 min if there is chemistry (or even less if there isn't). I've found women very attractive yet did not feel chemistry. I think if you have to ask it's not there. 1
Miss Peach Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 For a man, I have found most sense the chemistry pretty quickly and know if they are sexually attracted. I find women can warm up a bit more over time getting to know someone. 1
Bastile Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 I don't know if everyone is talking about the same thing here when they mention chemistry. For me it's just a very simple attraction that's either there or not pretty much immediately. Now, getting to like someone, click with them and all the rest. Sure, that can take more time. But that's not chemistry as I see it. The chemistry needs to be there before any of the rest will happen. And for me I know if it is in 3 minutes. Attraction for me is pretty much an on/off switch. I either am, or I'm just not. That doesn't take any time at all. Chemistry is the energy that a couple share. Which is actually somewhat unique to each woman that I've went out with. For example, I find that I can have good attraction/bad chemistry. And bad attraction/good chemistry. Hence, why I see the two things differently.
Recommended Posts