AJ27k Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 So I met a girl, we'll call Liz, about a year ago through a friend. We went out on a date, it went well and after talking to her a few days after the date she told me you are a really nice guy, handsome and someone she would want to date but right now she can't commit to a relationship and its not right if we continue to hang out. Obviously I wasn't happy about that, but I didn't press the issue. I was nice about it, and told her she didn't have to explain herself, it was fine and thanked her for the date. I soon forgot about it since I met someone else the following week that I hit it off with, started dating and it turned into an 8 month relationship but that didn't work. I don't know if she knew I was in a relationship or not, but months after our date she randomly texted a few times during that period, asking how I was etc. I responded to her but never really engaged in conversation. So a few weeks ago, she started texting me again. This time I started to really respond to her. She wanted to meet out, I even asked her like a date? She said of course like a date. We met out for lunch and we talked for almost 4 hours. Again it seemed to go really well, I mean in my experience when a date lasts that long, the person is interested. She even said we've really got to do this again soon. I didn't want to come off as clingy, so I waited two days before I texted her after the date. Basically said I had a good time, we'll definitely have to do it again, and threw out a joke she told me during the date, etc. She agreed, claimed she had a great time and started asking me about my day, etc. We were texting alot that day and the following day. She wanted to make plans and mentioned a few places we could go to. I told her when I was free and I'd love to. Then all of a sudden she doesn't seem interested. It takes a few days to respond to me, her texts are real short, and its just overly clear she isn't in the mood to chat with me. Its been 4 days since she last text me. So I'll move on, its clear it fizzled out but I actually really connected with her and like her. So, do I fire off a text saying something to that nature as a last ditch effort? What could be going on? Does she have commitment issues or is gunning for someone else and keeping me as a second option? Its probably one of those two, but I just never have had someone go from hot to cold like that twice now.
CptCodi Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 It sounds like she's dealing with her own demons. I'd say don't do anything at this point, give it some time. If she reaches out to you first, great, if not, you can reach out eventually. It's tough though because, you can either play it cool and not press the issues or you can ask her what's going on to really figure out where she's at. She'll either be responsive and talk to you or it'll push her away. 2
Titanll Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I say keep it going and see if she goes hot and cold on you three times. Why not just date who you want and quit worrying about her. Or, date her to your hearts content.
Author AJ27k Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 I guess I am more inclined to do what you suggest, act cool about it and not press, and then contact her a week or two from now and see where she is at. I just don't get the interest and then her saying she wants to go on another date then like a light switch, the interest is turned off. She probably has her own demons and despite her being my type with looks and clicking with her personality when she's interested in me, it may not be worth it. 2
Miss Peach Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 IME hot and cold is usually a sign of disinterest or emotional unavailability. It's not a pattern that changes in a relationship too so if you go in, you will likely have a lot of drama. 4
smackie9 Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 She probably likes guys that are not too nice, that are a challenge by being distant and aloof. You don't fit that bill. She likes your looks but not so much on the your personality or disposition. She gave you another go to see if things would be different....she wasn't feeling it. 1
Author AJ27k Posted May 19, 2017 Author Posted May 19, 2017 (edited) She probably likes guys that are not too nice, that are a challenge by being distant and aloof. You don't fit that bill. She likes your looks but not so much on the your personality or disposition. She gave you another go to see if things would be different....she wasn't feeling it. That actually makes perfect sense, especially when I look back at both dates. I definitely haven't changed between the 1st and 2nd date. Nor would I, pretty happy with my personality. I am not into being mean or intentionally avoiding someone I am interested in, so if that is the case, its probably for the best. One of my female friends told me today that girls sometimes will do this when they are seeing and talking to multiple guys and you aren't their first choice. She thought that could be it, and the reason why could be exactly what you said. Thank you for your feedback, it really does add up I feel. When it comes to dating, if it doesn't appear to work the best remedy to make a date with someone else. Edited May 19, 2017 by AJ27k 1
Bastile Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 That actually makes perfect sense, especially when I look back at both dates. I definitely haven't changed between the 1st and 2nd date. Nor would I, pretty happy with my personality. I am not into being mean or intentionally avoiding someone I am interested in, so if that is the case, its probably for the best. 2 dates. Did you not look to kiss her? If not, and you got the "you're a nice guy" rejection, then you might not be aggressive enough for her to be adequately turned on. I am fairly aggressive, and I've even had women tell me that I should "insist more"... 2 dates and no kissing makes you friends. Or at the very best, a boyfriend option. Therefore, she keeps you on the backburner. 1
basil67 Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 When she came back to you, did you ask her what led her to changing her mind? I think that someone who's previously ditched you needs to prove themselves before being given another chance. 1
firestar Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 She has something else going on. She might be involved with another man where things are not going well but she is emotionally attached to him so can't cut the umbilical cord and move on. She could also have intimacy issues and lose interest when the guy is geninuinely open for a relationship. You could ask her point blank if she is currently involved with someone (she may or may not tell you). But my impression is that she is not emotionally available for whatever reason (reasons that I think have nothing to do with you). You might like her but unless you want to deal with this constantly flakiness I'd say it's best to cut ties and move on to someone else who is ready and available for a relationship. You aren't her therapist and it's not your job to figure out what's wrong with her and why she is not responding appropriately to the invitation of a man she had professed romantic interest in. Just ignore her and date other people. If she tries to contact you again, ask why she disappeared last time and let her know you're not comfortable dating someone who is not physically and emotionally available. I feel like you're walking into a minefield. Some people are just not worth pursuing... 2
Author AJ27k Posted May 19, 2017 Author Posted May 19, 2017 2 dates. Did you not look to kiss her? If not, and you got the "you're a nice guy" rejection, then you might not be aggressive enough for her to be adequately turned on. I am fairly aggressive, and I've even had women tell me that I should "insist more"... 2 dates and no kissing makes you friends. Or at the very best, a boyfriend option. Therefore, she keeps you on the backburner. I wouldn't say I passive when date, I'll make move if the interest seems to be mutual. No kiss but I also treated this as a first date, as it had practically been a year since the last one. Who knows if I am even a boyfriend option, after 3 days of a lot of back and forth texting, it just went cold for no apparent reason. In this is after some really strong texts from her, saying "I'm really attracted to you", "Can't wait to see you again" etc.
Author AJ27k Posted May 19, 2017 Author Posted May 19, 2017 She has something else going on. She might be involved with another man where things are not going well but she is emotionally attached to him so can't cut the umbilical cord and move on. She could also have intimacy issues and lose interest when the guy is geninuinely open for a relationship. You could ask her point blank if she is currently involved with someone (she may or may not tell you). But my impression is that she is not emotionally available for whatever reason (reasons that I think have nothing to do with you). You might like her but unless you want to deal with this constantly flakiness I'd say it's best to cut ties and move on to someone else who is ready and available for a relationship. You aren't her therapist and it's not your job to figure out what's wrong with her and why she is not responding appropriately to the invitation of a man she had professed romantic interest in. Just ignore her and date other people. If she tries to contact you again, ask why she disappeared last time and let her know you're not comfortable dating someone who is not physically and emotionally available. I feel like you're walking into a minefield. Some people are just not worth pursuing... I'd agree with you, she is emotionally unavailable to me. There has to be a reason for it, but its probably not even worth pursuing. We have a mutual friend that I'll see this weekend, I am going to tell her what happened, and see is she knows if anything is going on. Maybe I've been fortunate, I really haven't dealt with someone turning it on and off like this with dating. I am 28 now, so maybe I have just been extremely lucky avoiding people like this or its a rare thing to happen when dating. I don't even feel I have the options to pursue her if I wanted, but I think its probably not worth it, its going to be a minefield from this point on! 1
Miss Peach Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Maybe I've been fortunate, I really haven't dealt with someone turning it on and off like this with dating. I am 28 now, so maybe I have just been extremely lucky avoiding people like this or its a rare thing to happen when dating. FWIW when I got divorced in my late 20s, I started running into a lot of people like this. I think at that point a lot people have baggage and not everyone has realized it yet about themselves and/or done anything about it. I also agree it could be the multi-dating thing but usually that is to disappear over weeks; not a year. The only scenario I can think of in that case is that she took the front runner as her BF and then came back to you when they broke up. 1
Author AJ27k Posted May 19, 2017 Author Posted May 19, 2017 FWIW when I got divorced in my late 20s, I started running into a lot of people like this. I think at that point a lot people have baggage and not everyone has realized it yet about themselves and/or done anything about it. I also agree it could be the multi-dating thing but usually that is to disappear over weeks; not a year. The only scenario I can think of in that case is that she took the front runner as her BF and then came back to you when they broke up. That is interesting, while I didn't get divorced, I was in a 5 year relationship, it didn't work and I would say I only have been dating for 2 years, and in that period I had a relationship that almost took half that time. You are right, there is more baggage with people, definitely have noticed that out on dates the past 2 months. I probably will meet more people like this! Well if twice now I am not the front runner in her eyes, its time to move on! 1
Bastile Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 Maybe I've been fortunate, I really haven't dealt with someone turning it on and off like this with dating. I am 28 now, so maybe I have just been extremely lucky avoiding people like this or its a rare thing to happen when dating. That is interesting, while I didn't get divorced, I was in a 5 year relationship, it didn't work and I would say I only have been dating for 2 years, and in that period I had a relationship that almost took half that time. You have been fortunate. It's not the norm. I was sort of the same. Went through a period through my mid 20's where I sleepwalked through one relationship after the other. It's a shock to the system when people rock you out of that steady routine with a different kind of behaviour than what you become used to. It's a matter of having expectations that aren't being met by experience. Which leads to cognitive dissonance. I would suggest that if you are dating in any sort of high-energy way, such as meeting people online, in the clubs/pubs, on the streets, etc, (dealing with high volume, and the people essentially being strangers) then you change your expectations slightly and learn to adapt to behaviours such as these. If you are a steady relationship guy, the need becomes to filter out people like this, rather than allow them to waltz in and out of your life.
Author AJ27k Posted May 20, 2017 Author Posted May 20, 2017 You have been fortunate. It's not the norm. I was sort of the same. Went through a period through my mid 20's where I sleepwalked through one relationship after the other. It's a shock to the system when people rock you out of that steady routine with a different kind of behaviour than what you become used to. It's a matter of having expectations that aren't being met by experience. Which leads to cognitive dissonance. I would suggest that if you are dating in any sort of high-energy way, such as meeting people online, in the clubs/pubs, on the streets, etc, (dealing with high volume, and the people essentially being strangers) then you change your expectations slightly and learn to adapt to behaviours such as these. If you are a steady relationship guy, the need becomes to filter out people like this, rather than allow them to waltz in and out of your life. You know, maybe its because I have sort of had a filter on, basically I gauge interest pretty good before asking someone out on a date. Now, granted I understand in doing so that I probably have missed out on some dates that could have been good and worked. I probably need to change my expectations and learn to adapt, you are right. Tough to gauge a person that is just going to cut off contact after 3 days of signals that I like you and want to see you more, than nothing for a week. I probably just need to ignore and move on faster when that happens next time. This one is just weird and it just got weirder today. I got this quick text from this girl this morning, saying nothing other than do you want to get coffee at noon? I actually ignored the text. I just got another one 10 minutes ago saying "its on me we haven't talked this week or gone out on plans. I need to see you this weekend please! I haven't responded to that either. Obviously from a guy sense, she's attractive and we clicked, so I want to see her again. But, 7 days no contact and then today she wants to hang out and "needs" to see me this weekend. That makes me want to just move on and ignore. 1
firestar Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 I'd agree with you, she is emotionally unavailable to me. There has to be a reason for it, but its probably not even worth pursuing. We have a mutual friend that I'll see this weekend, I am going to tell her what happened, and see is she knows if anything is going on. Maybe I've been fortunate, I really haven't dealt with someone turning it on and off like this with dating. I am 28 now, so maybe I have just been extremely lucky avoiding people like this or its a rare thing to happen when dating. I don't even feel I have the options to pursue her if I wanted, but I think its probably not worth it, its going to be a minefield from this point on! There are a lot of people in the world with many issues. If you're gifted with Freudian intuition and can see what's wrong you can maybe fix it. Otherwise, you'll need to accept her flakey behavior and constantly come back to Loveshack forums to ask what is wrong with her now! I wish there were a crystal ball to explain everything, but all you can do is accept the person--frustrating behavior and all--or pack up your heart and look for someone else. I recommend the latter just because you have so many options right now. But I'd still ask her about the flakey behavior. Whatever she says is more knowledge and experience for you and you'll be able to handle this better if and when you face a similar situation in the future! 1
Author AJ27k Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 (edited) There are a lot of people in the world with many issues. If you're gifted with Freudian intuition and can see what's wrong you can maybe fix it. Otherwise, you'll need to accept her flakey behavior and constantly come back to Loveshack forums to ask what is wrong with her now! I wish there were a crystal ball to explain everything, but all you can do is accept the person--frustrating behavior and all--or pack up your heart and look for someone else. I recommend the latter just because you have so many options right now. But I'd still ask her about the flakey behavior. Whatever she says is more knowledge and experience for you and you'll be able to handle this better if and when you face a similar situation in the future! After our brief conversation yesterday, I asked her what here plans were tonight or tomorrow. Basically knowing that in doing so I was opening up the opportunity to make plans.. That was yesterday around 11 AM, and she has yet to respond and its one day later. So she'd either respond where we could make plans, respond that she had a bunch of plans or not respond at all. She apparently choose the latter, likely because she didn't want me to ask her to hang out. I really don't like that, and while there could be a logical reason, its just another example of the flaky behavior. So I am closing this book and moving on. Like I posted on your thread, if she really was interested, she'd have made intent to hang out of keep communication open. Let's hope I don't have this same situation again, but chances it will happen again. Regardless of whenever she responds and what she says when she responds, I am just going to be nice and tell her I am not interested. Edited May 21, 2017 by AJ27k 1
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