Instagram and dating is a nightmare

[henrietta777]

Hi all, it's been a while since I posted on here but am looking for advice.

 

I was 'seeing' a guy recently... over about a month with dates lasting all day and evening, with lots of intimate conversation though we only kissed and nothing more. He was very keen and very complimentary.

 

Annoyingly, we met on Tinder and both have our instagram accounts linked. I'd noticed a girl had followed him (and he followed her) at the same time as we'd matched and subsequently followed one another. I'd mentioned to him as he had that I'd been cheated on etc and found the notion of seeing more than one person at a time difficult, and not something I like.

 

Anyway...since we first started seeing each other, I saw on instagram that this particular girl had been liking all his photos, including selfies and ones of him with his top off. So when I clicked on her profile, I saw that he'd liked pretty much every other recent photo she'd posted... and had started commenting too. Nothing dodgy in the comments but things that might mean he felt they had things in common. I raised this with him calmly and he got very angry and defensive, saying I was a 'stalker' and should stop being suspicious. This worried me in itself.i know it sounds silly but as he'd told me that they'd matched and met on tinder, the idea that he was then constantly liking stuff from her profile etc made me think he was a bit of a bad egg. I certainly wouldn't do that...

 

What do people think? I wouldn't care about him liking his friends' pictures, female or male, or even hot models etc... but when it's a tinder match and a local girl, I feel it's pretty disrespectful when you're seeing someone else.

[Lorenza]

Are you even exclusive? If not, he can see and Instagram like as many local girls as he wants. From what you wrote here it doesn't seem like you have the right to make demands yet, as you two are just in the dating phase.

[henrietta777]

No we weren't exclusive.... I just felt it seemed a bit brazen, given it was on instagram. Maybe you're right. Perhaps I'm just not liberal enough. I guess for me I see one person at a time. Perhaps an English state of mind thing.

[d0nnivain]

Don't friend or follow anybody on social media until you are exclusive, simply so you don't have to see this stuff.

[henrietta777]

I agree..: he was the one who was super keen on us following one another for some reason so I just went along with it, as I knew I wouldn't have any 'suspicious' behaviour

[hercules22]

yeah dont worry about that stuff till your exclusive if you get to that stage

[TaintedLuv]

It's really easy to get wrapped up in social media. The fact that some profiles are public makes it even easier to further enable your curiosity. I've personally decided that even if we do link social media, that I will not go around fishing or letting anything like that get to me. You will drive yourself crazy. Even if you're exclusive, nothing ever ends well when it comes to this stuff.

[Andy_K]

At the end of the day if it's very different to how you'd behave in the same situation, there's nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable about it. There's no 'right' answer here, everyone has their own opinions on multi-dating or flirting or whatever else.

 

Just realise that if his boundaries are vastly different to yours you might not be compatible.

 

Also, any kind of angry/defensive reaction from your calm inquiry is a warning sign. Be careful.

[henrietta777]

Thanks Andy, that really helped me hearing your very impartial but fair views. I think that's the thing-maybe some people are more liberal.., but actually, I doubt most people in the same position would feel super cool about it. I'd actually raised it once before and he got angry again. This time I even said 'I'm scared to mention it for fear of your reaction'... I suppose that says it all.

 

If someone raised something with me and I had nothing to hide, I would never fly off the deep end, nor have I ever... but then again, I am completely transparent and honest, because I think it's the only fair way.

[kendahke]

Have you and he had a conversation about exclusivity and commitment?

 

It's not disrespectful as he's not in a relationship with you. He's as free an agent as you are. That you have already bonded to him is on you, not him. He's not obligated at this point to reciprocate until he makes up his mind that being with you is a good idea.

 

If not, he can do what he likes until he does have that conversation with you. I'd be offended if someone I'd just spent time with and nothing more started telling me who I could or could not be friends with. That's not their place until given that place.

 

I think, though, that that conversation won't be forthcoming since you showed him your stalking hand.

Edited May 17, 2017 by kendahke

[henrietta777]

Hi kendahke,

 

We had discussed our thoughts on respect/integrity/honesty/transparency, yes. He had had every opportunity to bring up the fact he might be dating others, but chose not to let me know. I made it pretty clear to him that I was someone who only dated one person at a time, and he agreed.

 

I can see it from both parties points of view if we're talking about dating other people - but it shouldn't be a problem if everyone is clear. It's when things are going on in an underhand, dishonest way that problems arise, and I don't think I'm out of line in saying that.

 

As Andy, the previous poster, had said - if it didn't feel right, then that's the bottom line and it sure as hell didn't feel respectful. Equally, his reaction, more than once was to fly completely off the handle which was a bit of a red flag anyway to be honest. If you've got nothing to hide, why have such a violent reaction? Just reassure the other person (particularly when you know they've had some bad past experiences which they've confided in you and when that person says 'just talk to my openly and honestly if anything comes up again').

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm going to assume you're in your twenties, correct?

 

First, I would agree that unless a couple has had the "talk" and are exclusive, no one has the right to take a piss about anything the other is doing or not doing.

 

Second, his angry response is indeed a red flag. Transparency would never cause such a reaction.

 

Third, social media is the DEVIL. Period. There, I said it. At least as far as relationships go they are. Having navigated online in various chat rooms, apps, websites, forums from naughty to nice over the last 7 years or so, I can tell you that debauchery in all shades runs rampant (sweet Jesus does it ever!). Where most men (and women), even the most well intentioned are not immune to it's powers of persuasion.

 

Men in particularly, have a way of separating love from sex. Where liking pics, making comments on pics, sharing/exchanging pics, texting/sexting, even phone and video aren't on the same level as swapping bodily fluids with another woman. Many don't view it as technically cheating. And that comes right from the mouths of babes.

 

Of course, there are exceptions where men (and women) who have social media accounts also choose to walk a straight line. God bless 'em.

 

 

I understand that this idea of not being connected or finding people who aren't connected is nearly impossible these days and maybe even a tad frightening to some but I have rarely seen it NOT cause some kind of problems in a relationship no matter the age.

 

I think it's refreshing that you're one of the rare breeds that can walk the line and who respect transparency. Expecting a partner to do the same isn't a ridiculous notion. Don't ever apologize for it.

 

Good luck.

Edited May 17, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[henrietta777]

Thanks Michelle for your response, really helpful and in depth!

 

I'm 32 actually! Now I feel embarrassed...!!

 

I think maybe also I'm not quite explaining very well the situation - if someone said straight up to me that they would be potentially dating others at the same time as me, I'd at least be able to decide if that was something I could handle (I probably couldn't - it's just not my bag. I wouldn't do it, so it's clearly a principle of mine, whether others agree or not).

 

The issue for me was that this guy was being pretty full on about how much he liked me, how much he loved our time together etc etc... he was keen to 'follow' me on instagram for some reason, and that was where the issue lay. Not in him dating others, because he didn't say he was, but in his activity there, which was pretty clear for all to see. It didn't take much to go 'oh, here's a girl who's liking all his pictures' and lo and behold, he's constantly liking hers back and commenting etc. That, to me, is a bit sleazy and underhand, particularly when you're starting to get a bit serious with someone else. I'm not the fun police, and I wouldn't have batted an eyelid if he was liking random's pictures or friends or whatever, but this was a girl he'd matched with on tinder and who lived locally.... therein lies the issue, for me.

 

Since we were hanging out and kissing etc, I wasn't going on instagram and giving other people the 'green light', and I don't expect it from the person I'm seeing either.

[CptCodi]

I'd be more concerned once you actually start dating, until then, relax.

[henrietta777]

Hi CpdCodi,

 

We were dating - we had been for three weeks. Long dates that lasted all day and into the evening; he'd stayed over as well though nothing physical happened apart from kissing. So yeah, I'd say that's dating....

[CptCodi]

Hi CpdCodi,

 

We were dating - we had been for three weeks. Long dates that lasted all day and into the evening; he'd stayed over as well though nothing physical happened apart from kissing. So yeah, I'd say that's dating....

Nope.

 

Unless you both verbally committed to each other and agreed to be mutually exclusive calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend, you aren't together.

[henrietta777]

There is such thing as integrity and decency. Not everyone would agree with your very black and white opinion and it's helpful to hear from people who have an open mind and try to give both sides of the argument. I respect that that's your opinion, but it hasn't really helped. I'm pretty sure I'm not the *only* person in the world who would find what I've described to be a bit disrespectful. Also - it was a question about someone's reaction, too. If you raise something carefully (which I did), flying off the handle is a worrying sign as far as I'm concerned. The point is clearly we're all different and our expectations vary vastly. Hence why I mentioned transparency.

[Titanll]

No we weren't exclusive.... I just felt it seemed a bit brazen, given it was on instagram. Maybe you're right. Perhaps I'm just not liberal enough. I guess for me I see one person at a time. Perhaps an English state of mind thing.

 

Where did you post about him seeing her as well as you?

 

If meeting someone on Tinder is annoying, why did you do it? Is that an English state of mind thing as well...stiff upper lip and all?

 

Personally, I can't stand all of that social media garbage.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I completely agree with you henrietta777 about integrity and decency.

 

I am very much the same way and do demand the same of the men I date. It is a deal breaker for me no matter how long or short I've known them or dated them. I have a zero tolerance for bullsh*t and games making dating someone who is very active on social media nearly impossible. And I like it that way.

 

The sad truth is, as I've already mention, many men don't necessarily subscribe to the same definition of integrity and decency, or cheating for that matter! And if they do, some feel they're somehow exempt or justified in doing what they're doing and behaving the way they're behaving which allows them to sleep well at night.

 

P*ssy is hard to resist when it's available and accessible 24/7 without ever leaving your bed.

 

A sad reality no thanks to the digital age.

 

 

As far as your situation, it's pretty clear you may not be on the same page about what dating should look like. I'm not sure that chat is worth having given how he reacted to your enquiry regarding his social media activity but that's your call. Typically someone who is this active and interactive rarely will go silent easily.

 

Good luck.

Edited May 17, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[mortensorchid]

You know, we didn't have a problem like this 20 years ago. Think about it. Ha ha ha ...

[henrietta777]

Thanks for your response Michelle, I think you and I are on the same page, or at least similar and I fully appreciate that someone else is! I totally agree, it can make dating harder when you have high expectations...but the word 'deal breaker' is the one that sums it up best; when I was mulling over whether or not to raise my feelings/concerns with the guy, I knew that nothing he could say would change the fact it had broken the deal for me, in terms of him. So in a sense, it was foolish of me to even bother, knowing that he wasn't the type of guy I could trust....

 

My brother, who is a real catch (according to all my female friends), and my closest male friend are fine examples of the old-skool approach; neither of them are even on facebook!! The idea of instagram would seem positively confusing to my brother. I guess it's about finding the right kind of guy who is on the same page in terms of the etiquette of dating. Given that I'd already laid my cards on the table with this particular guy, it was a blatant middle finger that he carried on regardless....

 

It'll probably take me longer than others to find the right bloke, but hell, I'm prepared to wait. It's just frustrating to have these mini upsetting situations along the way.

 

Re Tinder - I have no problem meeting people from it, hence why I do. I've met lots of really interesting people, I think it's a totally acceptable way of dating. It's the social media I take issue with.

 

On that note, I deleted my instagram account yesterday and feel liberated! At least this way, even if someone is behaving in a slightly dickish manner, I don't have to know. Maybe sometimes ignorance is bliss......

[Michelle ma Belle]

Thanks for your response Michelle, I think you and I are on the same page, or at least similar and I fully appreciate that someone else is! I totally agree, it can make dating harder when you have high expectations...but the word 'deal breaker' is the one that sums it up best; when I was mulling over whether or not to raise my feelings/concerns with the guy, I knew that nothing he could say would change the fact it had broken the deal for me, in terms of him. So in a sense, it was foolish of me to even bother, knowing that he wasn't the type of guy I could trust....

 

My brother, who is a real catch (according to all my female friends), and my closest male friend are fine examples of the old-skool approach; neither of them are even on facebook!! The idea of instagram would seem positively confusing to my brother. I guess it's about finding the right kind of guy who is on the same page in terms of the etiquette of dating. Given that I'd already laid my cards on the table with this particular guy, it was a blatant middle finger that he carried on regardless....

 

It'll probably take me longer than others to find the right bloke, but hell, I'm prepared to wait. It's just frustrating to have these mini upsetting situations along the way.

 

Re Tinder - I have no problem meeting people from it, hence why I do. I've met lots of really interesting people, I think it's a totally acceptable way of dating. It's the social media I take issue with.

 

On that note, I deleted my instagram account yesterday and feel liberated! At least this way, even if someone is behaving in a slightly dickish manner, I don't have to know. Maybe sometimes ignorance is bliss......

 

Excellent and good for you!

 

And yes, there are indeed plenty of men who practice old-school values even if they are on social media, they are just a little harder to find and often require some vetting on your part to weed them out.

 

Other than Facebook (which is locked up tight unsearchable), I am not on any other social media by choice and I love it that way.

 

Good luck to you henrietta777!

[andie1969]

Ugh, I was SO happy to find out my BF doesn't have Instagram (he hadn't even heard of it when I met him 2 years ago lol). I've mentioned this in other posts, but my ex-h of 12 years "met" some woman who was following him & liking all his posts. Long story short, he divorced me and moved to her state & married her. He was always a social media wh*re, still is, thinks everyone is interested in everything he eats, drinks, etc. Current BF has a FB account that he posts on maybe twice a year, I love it! When we are together he is with me, in the moment, not wondering how many "likes" his artsy photo of a beer will get.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Ugh, I was SO happy to find out my BF doesn't have Instagram (he hadn't even heard of it when I met him 2 years ago lol). I've mentioned this in other posts, but my ex-h of 12 years "met" some woman who was following him & liking all his posts. Long story short, he divorced me and moved to her state & married her. He was always a social media wh*re, still is, thinks everyone is interested in everything he eats, drinks, etc. Current BF has a FB account that he posts on maybe twice a year, I love it! When we are together he is with me, in the moment, not wondering how many "likes" his artsy photo of a beer will get.

 

LOL right?!?!

 

I haven't been able to wrap my head around this need people have to share so much of themselves online and more importantly, this need to be 'liked' by...strangers!

 

I might have some understanding why teenagers and maybe people in their very early twenties get so caught up in it since it's part of their generation as sad as it is but when you have grown a** adults doing this it's just pathetic if you ask me.

 

Talk about narcissistic.

 

And I'm not talking about business related accounts or photographers sharing their snaps of unique and interesting perspectives. I see great value in this versus Joe Blow from Hoboken parading his last meal or the fancy car he's been lusting after that gave him a wet dream the night before. Ugh.

 

Sadly, I've heard and witness too many people turning mutual likes into something more in real life. Fine if you're single but so often that is not the case.

[andie1969]

Especially men in their 40's! He was going through a mid-life crisis when all this was going down and I guess the validation from strangers made him feel better. I wonder how often his food gets cold as he poses it just so to take pics before eating.