Would this be a personal deal breaker for you?

[CoolJoe]

Recently met this cool new girl. Text a lot and have met up once. Meeting a second time this weekend. I do have a concern though... and I hate to judge people based on what they do, but money is a legitimate concern in any (long term) relationship.

 

She's in her mid-late 20s and she's a barista. Obviously it's poor tact to ask someone this early in the dating stages how much they make... but I know baristas make on average a measly $10 per hour. This concerns me. I have nothing against baristas. I'm sure they're great people. But dating a barista past the age of 22? That brings up a yellow flag at the very least. My first meeting went off great, but my mind is telling me maybe this is a no go. As for what she wants to do, her dream is something rather ambitious. She wants to open a business, but at her age and having worked the jobs she has worked, I don't think she has a lot in her bank. So she's coming off to me as a bit of a dreamer. I hate to judge people but maybe she doesn't have her stuff together like the average regular adult in their mid-late 20s? I really like her but this is a moderate concern of mine to say the very least. However, I don't want to be that jerk who tells her "Hey, how much money do you have in your savings?"

 

I love my dreamers, but more as friends than lovers and partners. For someone her age, I would want them to work a more stable, professional career. It concerns me that she's a barista at her age. Seems like a job for someone in college. Again, feel free to educate me if I'm wrong here or being (overly) judgmental. But perhaps this is why she is single? She's pretty cute and usually girls like her don't last long on the market. Wondering if she has some "adult issues" (i.e. as I said she comes off to me as something of a dreamer) which has prevented her from sustaining a long term relationship. While I do value someone who is a kid at heart, that doesn't mean I want them to be a womanchild. Still too early to tell with this one, but that's what I'm kind of getting the sense at this early juncture. Hopefully after date #2 I will be able to better feel things out.

 

Part of my other fear is that I'm using this as a cop out if we really are a good match and I just want to stick to my safe single lifestyle and routines.

 

Thoughts? Would you consider seriously dating someone who is a barista in their mid late 20s with no concrete future career plan outside of a pipe-ish dream that they may not even have the funds for?

 

Or is it just "date her if you match well and the rest will end up taking care of itself" ?

 

And how do I dig or bring this topic up delicately and gently as a point of concern while not insulting her or making her feel belittled? Such a tricky situation...

[olasp]

You should give her a chance if you like her. It's so hard to find true love, and I'm afraid you will regret it later in life if you're not interested only because of her job.

 

If you two fall in love, she might have the strength to really achieve her dreams and be more realistic about the future. Love can do amazing things.

[CptCodi]

I'd be more concerned dating you if you're already worried about how much money someone makes.

[SevenCity]

Women will have no issue saying they want someone who is stable / has a career. When a guy says it he seems shallow.

 

Meanwhile, we have a lot more to lose if it goes to marriage and then divorce. You will be on the hook for maintaining the lifestyle you created for her.

 

My biggest issue isn't what a girl does or how much she makes, it's her expectations.

 

Is she ok doing barista cost level activities or is she expecting to do professional career costing fun stuff?

 

What I have found is that women can often expect to do expensive stuff when you are footing the bill. Things they could not afford to do on their own.

 

That said, there are pleanty of rich guys (and guys who don't know the value of a dollar and have nothing but fun) who will taker her in a hot second.

 

I've dated a couple girls who had nothing yet had no issue with me taking them out and dumping $100 a night which is easy to do with dinner and drinks in my area.

 

I would advise to see how she is with money before you pass judgement. Many women don't have to worry about money or security because they know they can land a guy who will take care of it for them.

 

This is not to say all women are like that, but in my life ive been with enough to see it's not an isolated phenomenon.

 

What's more, any woman I took out who didn't offer to contribute to the first date was like the above. It's a great test to see what a girl will be like. I've found it's only about 10% who will offer. I would never take the money, but I appreciate the gesture. Especially because it's so rare.

[d0nnivain]

I was a bartender through my mid 20s. I was also in grad school & that was the best paying job I could get that flexed around my school schedule.

 

 

If somebody is only doing low paying job but not making much effort to support themselves or otherwise further their dreams, I'd be leery. Does the rest of her life / spending reflect the low earnings?

 

 

Before you completely give up on her, ask more about this future business. Does she have a timeframe? A business plan? Is she even so much as reading business books in an effort to move her dream forward. If you have that type of conversation you may get a better sense of how realistic this dream is.

[kendahke]

Does she come from money or have a settlement she can tap? That's right--you wouldn't know that after one date.

 

Just because she's making what she's making doesn't mean her family hasn't set her up and she's working this job because she likes it and is learning from it and it serves to weed out the rapacious jerks who only want her for her money or status.

 

Are you quite certain that she doesn't have the brain capacity to understand how starting a business works and what is involved? Just because she's a "dreamer" doesn't mean she doesn't have good business sense.

 

I think you've judged her unfairly on no information outside of your speculation and most likely in a way that had the same been done to you, you'd be offended.

Edited May 17, 2017 by kendahke

[Titanll]

You sound pretty messed up dude, haha!

 

I mean, are you looking to supplement your paltry income? What has her choice of career, regardless of your idea of how meaningless it is, got to do with anything?

 

I would rather she be happy than working in a career that she hates. I get it, being a barista isn't going to get her on the Forbes list but maybe her dreams will one day.

 

Hell, I would marry a door greeter at Walmart if I loved her. I have my own wealth and career.

[Lorenza]

I don't make much money as music teacher and let guys know quite early on, since Scandinavian men are often preoccupied with their status and leading a fancy life of champagne, sea food and sailing on weekends. I let them know I won't be able to keep up with their lifestyle (and neither I'm interested in that kind of life).

 

Damn, I'd take a poor guy with a simple life style anytime, if I truly cared about him. I'd live a life without restaurants and fancy vacations, if it meant being with my true love. And there's always a possibility to make a better living together.

 

So I don't understand why would you be preoccupied with her job and salary. She makes a living, doesnt mooch off anyone, isn't lazy and if you like her as a person, you should give her a try. Unless all you care about is keeping up with a certain standard of living...

[rushed]

Don't date her. She sounds like a cool girl. It appears you'd only be happy with a professional or someone who comes from money already. You're already judging her after just one date. I could only see this getting worse.

[anduina]

Of the few posts that I've read of yours, you appear to enjoy being the one in charge. If you want a woman who's career oriented, you will need to learn to share and compromise.

[GunslingerRoland]

Yeah, I'd say I always find it a little shocking when you find older adults who have careers (not just jobs, but careers) as something like a barista. I saw someone mention bartender, but bartenders and waitresses can make a very good living just off of tips. While barista's can get some tip money to, it usually doesn't add up to a whole lot when added to a near minimum wage salary.

 

Some people say money isn't important, but I'm not sure what world they live in. I wake up every morning and go to work to make money. Before that I worked hard in school to get a good job to make money. Money, and the acquiring of it, is a huge part of our lives as people. So just writing off someone's lack of interest in making a decent amount of it, as a non-issue is hard for me.

[starrynight4321]

I completely disagree with some of these posts. There is nothing wrong with your thought process. There are lots of guys out there with really successful careers, and tons of guys out there who are baristas who will be interested in a mid to late 20s barista. It's just happens that this person isn't you.

 

I'm keeping it real. A person in their mid/late 20s working as a barista (not to put themselves through school, not for any other purpose) is kind of a problem for me too. Sure, if you end up REALLY liking the person you might look past it. However, I don't think there's anything wrong or shallow about wanting someone who is career or education-wise on the same or similar level as you. This type of stuff actually has much larger implications down the line if you end up in a relationship - will you fight about finances a lot? Will you feel like you have to carry the financial burden? Will you ever really look at her as an equal if you feel that her earning potential/education level is too far below yours? I don't think this is shallow - it's real life. And if you're having doubts about it this early on, I don't think it's the right girl for you.

[mightycpa]

There is another consideration beyond the money. There is the level of difficulty of the job, which will give you an indication of intellectual capability, managerial capability, ambition, etc.

 

It would be one thing for her to be the manager or assistant manager of the shop. It would be one thing if she wants to open a COFFEE shop. You never said. It would be one thing if this is part of a plan to understand the finer points of customer service, or to understand what kind of people to hire for such positions.

 

It's quite another if that's what she's best suited for.

 

Imagine that you date, marry, have kids and the person who is raising your children, giving them intellectual stimulation, showing them the world, helping them with their homework, teaching them what they need to know to become the best they can be, that her upper limit is barista. Imagine. I'm sure it's fine for some people. The big question is, is that good enough for you? The answer is important, no matter how judgmental people might get about your answer. They don't have to live with your choices. You do.

 

I don't know if you know any of that stuff about her yet, but you could probe her ambitions on the second date (keep the discussion away from money) and find out a lot about her. You'd do well to probe your own too.

[Gr8fuln2020]

CoolJoe,

 

I am also concerned about finances and considering dating her would be a non-starter. If you are concerned about finances, you should leave her alone. As others have said, it will likely become an experience that SHE would rather forget dating someone so concerned about finances, never-the-less dates her and then later decides, he's had enough.

 

I say leave her alone...

[Titanll]

Some broke ass dudes posting in here now, haha!

 

I mean, I don't rely at all on my SO's income.

 

Hmmm...seems that you guys that want your SO to help bring in the bacon are maybe not doing such a great job of it yourselves. Just keeping it real.

 

I would be willing to bet that if a woman said that she couldn't be with you because you didn't earn enough or your career wasn't up to her standards, you'd be here whining about that fact. She'd be a judgmental, gold digging bitch.

 

And to extrapolate someone's intelligence level based upon their career or earning potential is way beyond my limited comprehension. I've certainly met some damned near genius Privates and some Generals that were morons of the lowest order.

 

OP can use whatever ruler he wants to measure potential mates but I hope he's ready to be measured by the same ruler...

[mightycpa]

Oh, and for the record, I think it's hardly fair to call barista a "career". It might be a calling, but not a career.

 

And to extrapolate someone's intelligence level based upon their career or earning potential is way beyond my limited comprehension. I've certainly met some damned near genius Privates and some Generals that were morons of the lowest order.

maybe SOME, but not a lot. It's unnatural for a keen mind to be satisfied with tedium. Edited May 17, 2017 by mightycpa

[Shining One]

Some broke ass dudes posting in here now, haha!

 

I mean, I don't rely at all on my SO's income.

 

Hmmm...seems that you guys that want your SO to help bring in the bacon are maybe not doing such a great job of it yourselves. Just keeping it real.

Speaking for myself, I don't expect my significant other to supplement my income. I expect my significant other to not screw me over financially if our relationship ends. That's why I care about a potential wife's income.

 

With that being said, I'll casually date a woman of significantly lower income. We might even develop a long term relationship. However, I won't financially entangle myself by any legal means with her.

[basil67]

She's only 22. I wouldn't judge her at this stage.

 

I've known a number of young men and women who left school and didn't know what they wanted to do. So they worked for a few years in basic jobs while they matured in outlook, direction and with life experience. By the time they were in their mid-20s their ideas were more concrete and they then got it together.

 

All that said, if you want someone who matches you in life stage, then she'd be a poor choice.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Some broke ass dudes posting in here now, haha!

 

I mean, I don't rely at all on my SO's income.

 

Hmmm...seems that you guys that want your SO to help bring in the bacon are maybe not doing such a great job of it yourselves. Just keeping it real.

 

I would be willing to bet that if a woman said that she couldn't be with you because you didn't earn enough or your career wasn't up to her standards, you'd be here whining about that fact. She'd be a judgmental, gold digging bitch.

 

And to extrapolate someone's intelligence level based upon their career or earning potential is way beyond my limited comprehension. I've certainly met some damned near genius Privates and some Generals that were morons of the lowest order.

 

OP can use whatever ruler he wants to measure potential mates but I hope he's ready to be measured by the same ruler...

 

He likely will be. We don't know what HIS finances are like, but I wouldn't date the OP either if I were of the opposite sex.

 

I don't blame the OP for being concerned about a woman's financial situation, it is absolutely relevant and directly affects relationships. My issue with the OP is why he's even considering dating her if he doesn't feel she makes enough for him.

[No_Go]

Hey it was ONE date and you're already concerned for LTR and finances???

 

At very least you don't have enough information.

 

Back in the day a grad student from my lab decided to become a barista after graduating to unwind a bit. She had Harvard & MIT degrees and was coming from apparently very wealthy family.

 

I doubt that money has ever been / will be concern for her - she was also wicked smart and very marketable with her education. But she decided to step off and be a barista for a while for her own reasons. She was in her late 20s as well.

 

Just an example that your current job doesn't exactly define your potential & financial status.

 

You can worry about her money once you start thinking about marrying her, now is just... extremely premature.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hey it was ONE date and you're already concerned for LTR and finances???

 

At very least you don't have enough information.

 

Back in the day a grad student from my lab decided to become a barista after graduating to unwind a bit. She had Harvard & MIT degrees and was coming from apparently very wealthy family.

 

I doubt that money has ever been / will be concern for her - she was also wicked smart and very marketable with her education. But she decided to step off and be a barista for a while for her own reasons. She was in her late 20s as well.

 

Just an example that your current job doesn't exactly define your potential & financial status.

 

You can worry about her money once you start thinking about marrying her, now is just... extremely premature.

 

Bad advice. You don't wait until you are deeply invested in a relationship before worrying about finances.

[viatori patuit]

Well, I would be most worried about intellectual capacity. I was married to a non intellectual girl for a while. Drove me nuts.

 

If she is just having fun fine, but a girl who doesn't have the same career goals or outlook on money as I do? Screw that. That ends bad places.

 

You probably need a few dates to figure it out, but it it should be evident fairly quickly.

[No_Go]

Ha, I suffered from this myself so I know what you mean but seriously, he is soooo far from being invested. They don't have a relationship at all, they met ONCE.

 

Bad advice. You don't wait until you are deeply invested in a relationship before worrying about finances.

[Titanll]

Since the discussion has broadened a bit, anyone that's worried about their SOs earnings want to chime in about a stay at home parent? Is that grounds for divorce? Finances are irrelevant in my relationship. And to the guy that married a non intellectual, was it a shotgun wedding?

And someone said that they didn't want to get screwed financially if the relationship ends, is this something that comes up conversations with your potential SOs?

[basil67]

Bad advice. You don't wait until you are deeply invested in a relationship before worrying about finances.

 

What?? No sane person leaps from one date straight to being deeply invested.

 

What about all the in between time when you get to know a person and figure out IF you want to be deeply invested? There's nothing wrong with the OP wanting to know a bit more about her before making a decision.