Maliel Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I need some input here. Basically long story short, I haphazardly came across some evidence that suggested that my boyfriend was looking up/attempting to look up photos of people he knows in real life during some porn searches. The people were 1: his friend's ex-girlfriend, 2: a longtime female 'friend' of his who he claims that he used to be attracted to/want to date but doesn't anymore, and 3: his first girlfriend who he's still friends with. We share a computer sometimes and are logged into our personal google accounts. I had forgotten I was on the browser that was logged into his account. I felt awful after I saw that and realized it was his personal information. I contacted him immediately to let him know what had happened since I felt like it would have been wrong to keep it from him. I can't help but feel weird about his searches now and I need some advice. He basically maintained that "All guys look up women, even ones they know in real life." I need some feedback, is this true? Should I not feel like this is creepy? Do guys really social media creep/jerk off to girls they know in real life? Am I overreacting about the girls being people that he knows?
Author Maliel Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 And if he is doing this to women he knows, he obviously wants to bang them. That was my initial thought but fantasy and real life are only separated by your actions. I know this but it still feels weird that those people are all people that he knows in real life.
Popsicle Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I'm not a guy but I've heard from some guys that they like having a "spank bank" and yes it may consist of real life girls. It's just material to jerk off too. They're always looking for that! 2
Author Maliel Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 I'm not a guy but I've heard from some guys that they like having a "spank bank" and yes it may consist of real life girls. It's just material to jerk off too. They're always looking for that! I know and typically it doesn't bother me, especially in past relationships. In this one though, I feel inadequate and like I'm not enough. Jerking off all the time to models that he finds on Instagram or videos on porn sites is one thing. Jerking off to girls in real life feels too personal for me to be comfortable with. 2
Popsicle Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I know and typically it doesn't bother me, especially in past relationships. In this one though, I feel inadequate and like I'm not enough. Jerking off all the time to models that he finds on Instagram or videos on porn sites is one thing. Jerking off to girls in real life feels too personal for me to be comfortable with. Tell him that then. If he's too stupid to accept that, then just let him go.
Author Maliel Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 Tell him that then. I did tell him and he basically said that it's normal and all guys do it, I probably just 'didn't know about it before.'
amaysngrace Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 If he was all that into you you'd be the one he gets off on, whether you are there or not. No wonder why you feel inadequate.
Author Maliel Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 If he was all that into you you'd be the one he gets off on, whether you are there or not. No wonder why you feel inadequate. I feel like it's normal for guys to masturbate but the excessiveness and the fact that he chooses people in real life is unsettling. I feel like it would be wrong of me to dictate how he jerks off but it feels equally wrong to keep my mouth shut. I've suggested possibly breaking up and he contends that he doesn't want that at all. I just feel weird and have no idea what to do 1
Popsicle Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I did tell him and he basically said that it's normal and all guys do it, I probably just 'didn't know about it before.' Likely (and untrue) story. Just dump him. He's making you feel like **** and who's got time for that? 1
Author Maliel Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 Likely (and untrue) story. Just dump him. He's making you feel like **** and who's got time for that? If relationships were that easy I don't think forums like this would exist. :/
Popsicle Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 If relationships were that easy I don't think forums like this would exist. :/ You're right. This is a purgatory. 1
Author Maliel Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 bumping this thread. I barely slept last night because I have no idea what I should be thinking about this situation. I could really use some more advice
amaysngrace Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I've suggested possibly breaking up and he contends that he doesn't want that at all. Of course he doesn't want that. You're the flesh to fulfill his fantasies. I guess you should weigh out how he treats you otherwise. Is he attentive to you and your needs and warm and wonderful in every other way?
Author Maliel Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 Of course he doesn't want that. You're the flesh to fulfill his fantasies. I guess you should weigh out how he treats you otherwise. Is he attentive to you and your needs and warm and wonderful in every other way? I'm not sure I would say 'wonderful in every other way,' but he's caring.
amaysngrace Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I'm not sure I would say 'wonderful in every other way,' but he's caring. Can you give some examples?
wmacbride Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I cna't speak to what's normal for men, as I am not a man. What I will say is that I don't like how dismissive of your concerns your partner was. Rather than listen to what you had to say, consider it and try and understand where you are coming from and explain his side, he dismissed you and tried to make you feel bad for even asking. 1
CptInsano Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I did tell him and he basically said that it's normal and all guys do it, I probably just 'didn't know about it before.' I'm a guy, and I don't have a spank bank. Do I still have pictures of ex-gfs somewhere, yeah sure. But I don't jerk off to them, as it would feel somewhat creepy. Do I look at porn sometimes? Yes sure, but the mixing that with RL would feel uncomfortable to me. To the OP: The question truly becomes whether you can live with it. He will probably hide his actions better, but will not change in this regard. It's something you cannot effectively control. Does being with him make you feel better or worse overall?
Author Maliel Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 Can you give some examples? we're long distance for the next couple months. He works all week and drives states away to spend his weekends with me. He tries to compromise in disagreements, he tries to help out when I need to get a bunch of things done. I can't think of much else on the spot :/
amaysngrace Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 we're long distance for the next couple months. He works all week and drives states away to spend his weekends with me. He tries to compromise in disagreements, he tries to help out when I need to get a bunch of things done. I can't think of much else on the spot :/ Those are nice things. Courteous of him although I don't know how caring it is... It's really up to you if you're able to accept this about him and move on or if it is a deal breaker because it's something you just can't get past. You have to do what's right for you but if him disrespecting you is a pattern and not hearing you out when you have genuine concerns is too then maybe you need to reconsider this relationship. 1
Author Maliel Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 I'm a guy, and I don't have a spank bank. Do I still have pictures of ex-gfs somewhere, yeah sure. But I don't jerk off to them, as it would feel somewhat creepy. Do I look at porn sometimes? Yes sure, but the mixing that with RL would feel uncomfortable to me. I agree To the OP: The question truly becomes whether you can live with it. that's what i'm trying to decide. I can't control what he looks at, nor can I/would I want to make sure he doesn't look at stuff like that again. This is an obvious excitement for him and i'm not sure I feel comfortable with it.
CptInsano Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I[...] that's what i'm trying to decide. I can't control what he looks at, nor can I/would I want to make sure he doesn't look at stuff like that again. This is an obvious excitement for him and i'm not sure I feel comfortable with it. It's a very tricky point, because it's something that may be out of reach of your control even with another guy. The only "protection" IMHO is a partner who is very open about it. For example, my last two gfs were into amateur porn, and were more than happy to share. 1
carhill Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 II contacted him immediately to let him know what had happened since I felt like it would have been wrong to keep it from him. Cool, good communication. I can't help but feel weird about his searches now and I need some advice. He basically maintained that "All guys look up women, even ones they know in real life."Was that the length and breadth of his response? Anything else? I need some feedback, is this true? All or none are generally inaccurate, except perhaps related to death. We all die. Our lives prior to that are unique. He's one individual. Should I not feel like this is creepy? You can feel any way you wish/desire/want. If it's creepy to you, it is. That's valid. Do guys really social media creep/jerk off to girls they know in real life? Your boyfriend apparently does and opines that all men do. Am I overreacting about the girls being people that he knows? IDK, do you think you are? Myself, having had girlfriends and being married, I tended to focus on how my partner/spouse treated me and others in the world and placed less to no emphasis on being the thought police. Who they fantasized about, yeah even if/when making love, was their mind, their choice, their process. Personally, when in relationships or married, I didn't fantasize about other women, known or unknown. When alone, which I've been much of my life, sure. Of course I could be lying. Hard to prove, right? That's why I don't worry about it much, or at all. People do what they do and think how they think. Why not surprise him with a visit at his out of state locale? You say he always visits you when located remotely. Turn the tables.
SwordofFlame Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I'll admit that I've done exactly what your boyfriend has done...however only when I was single though. 1
preraph Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 What I think is that he is too focused on porn and photos to be a good partner. It's too big of a deal to him. That's unbalanced. I have no problem with guys masturbating. I think that's fine. But I don't see why they have to have porn to do it. It makes me wonder if they just have no imagination whatever or what's wrong with them.
Miss Peach Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 I get guys like to look and I don't necessarily think anything is wrong with that. My BF laughs at how much I look too. But doing this to women he interacts with IRL would make me nervous too. How does he make you feel? Does he always make you feel the priority? Is he socially monogamous with you? If I didn't feel the priority then I would leave. If I did then I'm not sure what I would do in your shoes with a guy who otherwise seems to be a good guy.
Recommended Posts